The same reason anyone, straight/gay/bi/fluid/undecided, needs a life partner... love, companionship, affection, commitment, caring, support, sexy-times... children?!Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG
Just because I like to play dress-up doesn't change or cancel-out these most fundamental of human needs.
Last edited by Paula_Femme; 06-27-2014 at 08:09 AM. Reason: Clarity.
Black is ALWAYS the, "New Black!"
"I really hate it when people accuse me of wearing Womens clothes... these aren't Womens clothes... I f*****g bought them!!!" Eddie Izzard.
ALL relationships are complicated Tink, whether or not with a Cder.
Being in a marriage is about loving the person you have chosen to commit yourself to. The WHOLE person, not PART of the person or some IDEA of the person -- the whole and ACTUAL person. “For better or worse,” that's what that means.
My SO and I have been together for 11 years now, and I love her for all her craziness and quirks, just as she loves me for mine – femme side included. We meet each other halfway on ALL things and work together towards making each other happy as individuals as well as within the life we're building together by keeping an active, open line of communication (full disclosure). We talk about everything and are thoughtful towards each others feelings, needs and yes – desires, and that just brings us closer together.
That honest closeness is “why,” BTW.
"I'm a work in progress..."
OMG...My wife is my life. We just celebrated 41 years together, the last 9 years with Tina as a part of the mix. My wife is not jealous of Tina, except for Tina's legs. Then again, Tina has much to be jealous about so it balances out :-).
My wife was instrumental in identifying Tina and then taught her 'how to be a girl'. Tina IS a separate personality and that's a part of what fascinates both of us about Tina. Literally, there would have never been Tina withoutthe insight and love of my wife.
The idea that Tina could in any way take the place of my wonderful wife is, well, absurd, in my perspective. My wife says Tina is 'sweet' and they enjoy their time together. My wife us constantly talking to Tina about her ideas and feelings because she (and me too) is fascinated about this part of me.
Tina is a part of my self, but my wife is my companion, my friend, my confidant, and my love. We are sitting next to each other as I write this. I'll end as it's my turn to get us both fresh cups of coffee.
Once again I am faced with how fortunate I am. My wife of 30 years had no problem at all accepting this in me once it came out. In many ways it has drastically improved our relationship. I understand things today that totally eluded me just a year ago. It has not harmed our relationship even slightly. Fortunately she is as broken as I am and able to love me as I am.
Just because I need to cross dress doesn't mean I don't need to feel love and intimacy. Do you truly believe because we embrace/have this softer side we should be happy going through life alone? Do we not need love or not deserve love? I understand not everyone can just accept what's going on but even if you hate this part of us how could you possibly believe we don't still want/need the most basic of human needs; to be loved.
This is who I am. It's part of me. I spent most of my life hiding from that fact. If my wife suddenly came forward and told me she tried to accept this but can't, I would do whatever it took to keep my marriage including purging and returning to my closet and denial. As time goes by the depression will set in. Eventually leaving me so depressed I start feeling suicidal.
Yes we need you! We also need this. Given a choice most of us would gladly just give it up and live a normal life if that were possible. Is it really better to live with a man who is sad and repressing his true self for your happiness than one who accepts and embraces the weird parts of himself?
Hug
Rita
A person should wear what he likes to. And not just what other folks say. A person should be who she likes to. A person's a person that way!
~Marlo Thomas~
Tink,
We are NOT a wife. We are NOT a woman. We are straight men who, like almost all straight men, have a need to partner with a woman. While cross dressing is both weird and unique, it has no bearing on the need for human relationships.
Every marriage has compromises. Some married people hate each other but are "married" for kids, social status, habit, who knows. People are married under far worse circumstances than cross dressing.
Rita I hope your third paragraph is only suggesting possible scenarios, but please don't jest about it I've been there and it's not where you want to be !!
This is why I'm saying things need to change, I don't want to go down that road again !!
I don't want it to look like blackmail but please accept me as I am or accept I may not be here at all !!
I can only speak for myself, but keep in mind that a man does not marry his wife in order to fulfill a "side" of him. My wife compliments me, we are a team. I can exist without her but my quality of life is so much more terrible. My "femme side" isn't so much a side of me, it's a part of me regardless of expression. It would be like saying "my husband knows how to cook so why should I ever cook for him?"
This is a misconception to think that how one feels or expresses them self is a replacement for other people. Daisy is not a ready made wife, she isn't even a separate person - she is me and I am her and thus I cannot fulfill the role of a wife of myself.Yes, many will wonder this and many will fret about the answer. Why do you need us when you have a ready made wife inside you??
I know I am a rarity, my relationship worked out well. Crossdressing has not made anything worse. It's just another thing. I didn't change as a person and my wife knows that expecting me to keep in hidden won't kill it, it just makes me unhappy and why would she ever expect that of me? By the same token, I communicated very openly to her and I set out a vision when I first came out to her. The vision was where I would like to see the relationship end up as regarding the crossdressing. The vision was to see my presentation as male or female to be something that wasn't a big deal but at the same time as something that wouldn't cause hardships nor affect us negatively. We set boundaries - if I did it so much that it was causing issues I'd pull back. I listened to what she had to say and we took it slowly. However, I will say, we communicate a lot and rarely every have issue with each other as it is anyways, regardless of crossdressing, so maybe this is why we worked out so well.Given how complicated the relationship with a GG is for you all, it doesn't seem like GG/CD relationships fare very well. They can, but there's an awful lot of compromising involved. Often, the compromising means putting aside something important and innate to accommodate the spouse. Do other marriages compromise this much?
I am so glad you came here seeking answers and other view points. I hold firm that crossdressing for a man (or woman) in a relationship can work out, but it takes work from both sides and to compromise in the marriage. From what I've seen, 99% of the time when crossdressing causes issues in a marriage, they're usually stacked on an already weak or rocky foundation or there's other troubles revolving crossdressing (stealing the wife's clothes, being secretive about it, leading a double life, all things that would cause problems out side of gender deviance).So, as the annoying girl that I'm amI have to ask....
WHY do you need us??
So to answer the root question, why do I need my wife? I needed my wife before I put on a skirt, changing my presentation doesn't change that. Just because my wife can change a tire or mow the lawn wouldn't mean she doesn't need me either. We compliment each other, we are a team, even if our uniforms change.
This is a really good question considering my most recent situation, so why do I need my wife and why am I willing to make it work without me having a second wardrobe. I need her because it was her I chose a long time ago not the clothes she was wearing I wanted her for my life long companion and friend.
We had similar interest. While emotionally its hard for me to slow down if not stop dressing I still need my wife because being alone would be awful.
As lifelong single, from a family of singles, who have no relationships, i feel very CURSED. I yearn for a lady friend and mate, all my adult years. Dated in my 30;s a fair amount, but have always been too low income to attract a mate. Then, the dressing really took off at age 56. I have sought many GG's before and after , but have faced my whole life alone. My lady dressed side has kind of become by better half, out of necessity, or desperation, but, it cannot replace a real GG friend. I need a real GG, and Alice is not replacement. I am the same lonely, but accepting of my singleness man i was before i started full dressup. i have found, once i tell a GG about the dressing, they cannot live with it. Life is cruel.
Tinkerbell, I wanted to address this point although it is not in direct reply to your original post. I CAN imagine what they say. "Get out and get out fast," probably being the kindest. But these women, in all likelihood, do not have cross dressing husbands! They are imagining the stereotype. If they have cross dressing husbands, I suspect the guidance would be much softer and compassionate.
Would you take advice from a women's group on raising children if none of them had children?
Thank you, everyone
I know I ask the annoying questions - the ones your wife is thinking but doesn't dare verbalise. I must be crazy putting them out here - I know that. This forum is for crossdressers to have fun and enjoy their favourite topic and I'm ruining it with all this serious stuff!But...read back...see how kind and thoughtful your posts are in this thread. The anonymous GG's who read here (and yes, there are many) will read this and feel as I do - that you're a really nice bunch of men!
That's worth the dislike for asking the hard questions.
Last edited by Tinkerbell-GG; 06-27-2014 at 09:54 AM.
I'm glad you ask the tough questions. It's stuff that needs to be asked and it needs to be addressed, especially if we ever expect to have a more accepting world. Thank YOU for being open and looking for other views and answers!
Last edited by Sandra; 06-28-2014 at 03:49 AM. Reason: no need to quote the whole post, please read the rules regarding quoting post
[QUOTE=Teresa;3543200]Rita I hope your third paragraph is only suggesting possible scenarios, but please don't jest about it I've been there and it's not where you want to be !!
This is why I'm saying things need to change, I don't want to go down that road again !!
I don't want it to look like blackmail but please accept me as I am or accept I may not be here at all !
Almost two years ago I decided to quit CDing and this was one of the many reasons. For as thrilling and pleasure inducing CDing was to me it never made me truly happy. I realized that to make me truly happy I needed another person in my life, a woman, to share life with. Someone to care for and be cared by. The "woman" inside cannot do that.
Hey Tinkerbell, you know you're right.. after I thought about it a while. We ARE a really nice bunch of men! With a bit of a twist of course. But when I read the posts, many of them seems so heavy and all caught up in feelings and psyche and such. Shoot, let's not make this more than it is. We just like to play a little "dress-up" once and a while. Now the transgender thing is a different animal with a lot more to it I would say. Cross dressing is well just cross dressing., a little sexual perhaps at times, but just cross dressing.
I'm not really qualified to answer this question but this is how I see it, I think crossdressing is something quite special because it's a connection to feeling real appreciation and respect for a better understanding of the ladies and how everything works and in doing that we enter into your world and be a part of it, See the thing is we can only get a slight "demo" of your amazing world through cding, we are still guys at the end of it, we could never bring to life the feel of the real woman you can never clone full fem through Cding, male and female minds are so different, men need woman and it's no good saying men don't because they do lol regardless of what some men might say, even though I'm gay i still have to have the closeness of my Mum and best mate JoJo, JoJo is essentially a girl friend to me and my Mum is the one who made me and brought me on to who I am today, I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for them, the female mind is a beautiful thing!
Last edited by CrossJess; 06-27-2014 at 10:06 AM.
This forum is also a place for education and reinforcement. :-)Thank you, everyone
I know I ask the annoying questions - the ones your wife is thinking but doesn't dare verbalise. I must be crazy putting them out here - I know that. This forum is for crossdressers to have fun and enjoy their favourite topic and I'm ruining it with all this serious stuff!
That's worth the dislike for asking the hard questions.
You crossdresers who have agreeable, loving wives, don't know how lucky you are. Being alond , single for life has some nice things, but isolation, and no one to talk to, share with, feeling flawed, "that loner guy" , and the added "negative" of being a dresser, is no fun. While all around are couples,and families.
The fact that you think we are a nice bunch of men makes my day my friend.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
Tinks - I know you're probably still saving the tougher question for the weekend, this one is straightforward for me...
As much as this thing we do is self-centred, narcissistic and inexplicable in the strength of how it drives us, it is as nothing compared to the love, sharing, joy and companionship that comes with any even partially successful, man-woman relationship.
All good points made here before mine, just a small emphasis - I am no 'ready-made wife'... I am not even an alternate 'woman'... I gain some peace and contentment from creating a facsimile image of how a female me might look... nothing more.
Katey x
"Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear" Stefani Germanotta
Katey 88, With great legs like yours, one wonders!! LOL
Tink, you have not asked an annoying question and are not ruining anyone's fun. I can see why you feel the way that you do, its hard to see inside someone's mind and heart. It is easy to fall into doubt and for your self image to suffer.
The good news is all of the posts to this thread, these are serious answers to your very important question. I had to think about this to be sure in my oun mind that your original premise is not true in my case. I think that Isha put about as well as any although others have been very articulate as well.
Your question ranks right up there with many of the very introspective questions that Isha has posted in the past.
Thanks for bringing up this important thread!!
Hugs Bria
Tinkerbell, when I first lurked on this site it was for the exchange of ideas on clothing. I enjoyed the pictures, and, I still do. But, now my attention is directed to the sub categories such as "Loved One." Sure, many of the posts may seem to be "immature" or "self centered" or just plain enveloped in the "pink fog." But, where else can we express ourselves. Even an accepting or participating wife will say "Enough already!"
I come to this site to assure myself that I am not alone in this universe.
Wow huge leap there. Why do you assume that the person inside us is "the wife inside"? It is hard to explain to someone looking in, but when you assume we are making a woman in some image, you are wrong for the majority here.
Let me take this is another direction, even IF we were making a wife inside, why would we not want a companion, a partner to be with us. In a way you are subscribing again to the binary. Where one has to be a husband (with specific husband jobs like killing spiders and changing oil) and one has to be a wife (who is afraid or spiders and can't even find the oil plug). This is the kind of fallacy that gays have to contend with, who is the wife, who is the husband (and usually it is a blend not a delineation). I am working right now on not needing anyone although I would like to have someone in my life. But I don't want a stereotypical husband (or wife) I want a friend, a companion and maybe a lover. As they say someone to stand BESIDE me, not follow or lead.
So you believe that TGs need their spouses for being a "wife"? I disagree, we need you because we like to be with you and we love you and we want to spend our lives with you. On an equal and loving playing field. Again, it is hard to explain it from our view, just as hard as to why some SO's find it so abhorrent. Why is the assumption we want to replace the SO? If that was the case we would not hide or sneak, we would just tell you "bye bye". Disassociate the dressing for a minute. Why do we "need" you in any walk of life. SOs seem to think sometimes that we do this just to goad or prod them. We don't.
Why do we need you (SOs)? How about because we love you and want to be with you, even if we cannot be exactly what you expect.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
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