Why are women so quick to kick us to the curb like garbage?

[Stephanie47]

I did not want to hijack Tinkerbell's thread, "Why do you need us?" Yes, this site is not a reflection of how women feel about cross dressing men. Not at all. In my personal life all I've ever heard or seen is the marriage is quickly ended. Of course, there are probably many marriages, such as mine, where the "secret" is shared. Years ago I listened in on a conversation my wife and her cousin were having concerning her cousin's co worker who lived several houses away from us. The coworker discovered hubby was a cross dresser. Oh, my! How terrible. How disgusting. How can she stay married to him? Well, the women kicked her man to the curb like Wednesday's garbage pickup day. My wife asked many years later why I did not express myself more concerning my cross dressing. I asked if she remembered the conversation she and her cousin were having/ No, she did not remember. But, that conversation was ingrained in my mind and still is. My wife told me she probably would have divorced me when she realized I was a cross dresser, except for the fact she had disclosed to me her life prior to she and I meeting. It was not pretty.

She would have kicked me to the curb, ignoring all the great positive attributes I had and still have.

So, Tinkerbell, why are women so quick to kick their man to the curb like Wednesday garbage???

PS: In our neighborhood trash is picked up on Wednesday.

[mikiSJ]

Some, only some women are ready to kick us to the curb.

My sample size is small, but I think when the marriage disintegrates so rapidly, it is not because of the CDing, but something else that can remain hidden now that the CDing is at the fore and becomes a great reason to split.

[NicoleScott]

Oh, the irony of the trash analogy. My first wife found out about my crossdressing when she picked up trash after a windstorm blew over our garbage can. In it was a pantyhose package which was not her size. Confronted, confessed, busted. Counseling at her insistence did no good, as her objective was to cure me and mine was to get her acceptance. Doomed for failure. So we divorced. I think it was her "it just isn't right" upbringing that rendered her unable to be married to a crossdressing husband.
To my current wife, it's no big deal, just something I like to do, and it doesn't threaten her at all. I'm just a typical normal guy who likes to dress up occasionally.

[Sc0rp10N]

Cross dressing had nothing to do with my first marriage ending, but sex certainly did. My second, current and final wife is the only person that has ever seen me dressed and she isn't about to "kick me to the curb."

[PaulaQ]

A great many women, as well as society overall, find the idea of crossdressing to be repulsive. Our wives often feel entitled to a future they'd imagined with their spouses, and having a TG spouse ends all chances of that future, in their minds. Anger and grief ensue over the loss. We are simply not viewed as being the same person, in many cases. This is much more pronounced for those of us who transition, but it is definitely alive and well in the "just a CD" world.

[Ressie]

Put yourself in a woman's shoes! Now how would you feel if your man turned out to be a woman? (BTW, how do you like those shoes? lol)

[Lorileah]

Put yourself in a woman's shoes! Now how would you feel if your man turned out to be a woman? (BTW, how do you like those shoes? lol)

Not buying this argument. Most CDs don't turn out to be women. Now if you say that about TSs I get it. This isn't an "I am woman" thing. It is a "I like to look like a woman" or "I like the look of the clothes". Rephrasing the response above: How would you feel if your wife crossdressed?


I was avoiding the answer that I have given for over 5 years on this type of OP. They are kicking you to the curb for MORE than the clothes. Usually (once you get past the social mores) it is a matter of losing trust. I was hoping a GG would address this.

[TessaGirl]

Also, women may quite often be more conservative than men. Perhaps even for some younger
ones (not all!) nowadays, it goes against their idea of what society should be like. That's just
speculating, I don't know.

[Marcelle]

His Stephanie . . . interesting question . I personally think that not all women are ready to "kick us to the curb" but many will definitely have a "what the " moment when they find out. You have to admit that this is going to be a hard pill to swallow especially when you find out the life you expected to lead with your partner has just taken a tangential dive off a cliff. This is not like telling your wife you have been "sneak smoking" for the past five or so years.

I truly believe if the relationship is strong, the SO can see beyond the clothing and the CDer is willing to work toward a mutual compromise then then you may not find yourself out with the garbage. However, it is plausible that this is just a road some women cannot travel. You cannot fault them for it as it is a difficult thing to accept. When I told my wife I was prepared to let her go if she could not live with this, not because I did not love her but because I knew this was not going away and if I tried to supress it I would have been miserable and would make her life miserable in the process. Fortunately she stayed and fully supports.

Hugs

Isha

[ReluctantDebutant]

How many cross-dressers would like to be in her shoes? The wife comes home and says she needs to unload a secret, she like to dress as a man and wants to express herself in more masculine ways. it not that she just wants to wear slacks and a golf shirt from time to time. She wants to cut her hair short or wear a bald cap, she wants to have facial hair and bind her breasts, she wants to let her body hair grow and wear an anatomically correct prosthetic in her boxer-briefs. She wants to talk and act more like a guy, or at least how she perceives typical male behavior. She may want to adopt a more manly role in the bedroom. She may fear what friends and family might think so you have to help keep her secret at the same time she seems to be dressing more and more now that she outed herself to you.

Would you still be attracted to her? Would she still ignite that spark? How would you feel being married to a wife who wants to be more "manly" (stereotypically)?

I know there's a subtype of cross-dresser that this would be a dream true. But I would say from experience that CDing is a deep attraction towards the feminine and seeing a woman reject femininity might cause more discomfort in a CDing husband.

I myself would understand and be nice about it. But any attraction would be gone. That extra something that made the relationship husband and wife would be gone. The relationship might turn to just friendship. I would say a marriage needs more. It may be that my own cross-dressing is giving me more empathy to her situation. It may be if I never felt the need to cross-dress myself I may feel more harsh feelings of betrayal in this situation.

We are only human we may talk here of a gender spectrum but in the end there is only two sexes. And in those two sexes have a hardwiring of traits to look for in the other. I would say nature is hard to overcome.

[Emi_]

First of all, I have been married for 12 years now. My wife discovered my cross-dressing in our 2nd year of marriage. She knows, accepts, and even encourages me to cross-dress. She knows that I love her and put her first and that there is nothing wrong with wearing these clothes. She also readily admits that what hurt wasn't that I do this but that I lied to her about it.

I firmly believe that marriages that fail because of cross-dressing have other issues, particularly in areas of trust and compromise. All marriages face challenges and there are always going to be difficult times so it's not like cross-dressing is the only kind of stress that can test a marriage and a lot of marriages survive all kinds of pains and struggles. Marriages that fail will usually have histories of problems that were dealt with poorly - that includes refusing to deal with a problem either by ignoring it or lying about it.

Furthermore, when we do not communicate openly, honestly, and intimately with our spouses about our cross-dressing, we are perpetuating a lie. When the truth is found out, the sense of betrayal had got to be overwhelming - the basis of trust is shattered and the reality that one had accepted is now gone and all of it has happened by force against the spouse's will. It is not at all unfathomable that that kind of hurt can lead to immediate and violent rejection - we aren't who we said we were and now nothing we have said or done can be trusted by them.

In short, I believe that we cross-dressers can be very short-sighted and selfish. Many cross-dressers would rather have their way and have their cross-dressing than to be a full participant in the joint venture that is a real and healthy relationship. The actions of many cross-dressers have already effectively kicked the wife to the curb so it is little surprise that we would get kicked to the curb when she finds out.

[Kate Simmons]

I see a storm a brewin' with this one.

[LaurenS]

I never thought so thoroughly about it before. Hmm.

[Marcelle]

Right you are Kate . . . got my umbrella and rain jacket.

Hugs

Isha

[Eryn]

There are a wide range of marriages, and the level of commitment varies from the traditional "Until death do us part" to the more modern "Until my spouse does something I don't like." There are exceptions, but it also seems that the age at marriage also has an effect on how motivated the partners are to compromise with each other and keep their relationship intact.

I think that we hear more of the marriages that self-destruct simply because they are more interesting to discuss and the partners are more apt to vent their frustrations to others. People who are happy in their relationships don't tend to talk about it so much.

[Melissa_59]

Right you are Kate . . . got my umbrella and rain jacket.

Phffft! I'm getting my rocking chair and popcorn!

~Mel

[Tinkerbell-GG]

It is hugely about lost trust for many GG's, especially after years of knowing one thing and then discovering another. The sheer weight of that shock can literally shatter a wife's love, perhaps forever.

That said, when I joined a few spouse support groups some years back, I was surprised with how many women DO choose to fight for their marriage. I would actually guess most give it a go. There was even a questionnaire we all filled out at one, and the result was less than 10%. actually divorced their crossdressing H. That shocked everyone - even we had assumed at the way everyone talked of their marriages that divorce was common and imminent. Turns out, we're all talk, lol.

I do think though, that finding a woman who is actively looking for a crossdresser will be a bit like a needle in a haystack. I think once we're with you, and have feelings for you, it's easier to feel the loss of the relationship even with this difficulty thrown in (doesn't exactly help the 'telling up front' issue, does it?) As I wrote in my other thread, our self esteem and general world views are challenged by a crossdressing partner. As many here mentioned, imagine if we did the same? I think many men would be very put off, but I also think (hope?) that some here would stay and try and understand? Women might talk in horror and hushed tones about the neighbours dreadful crossdressing husband, but were it their own, I know most wouldn't just run out the door. People are always scathing about something they don't understand...until it happens to them. After all, they married him because he completed her in some way...how can anyone so easily walk away from that? Did they ever truly love him? Even the worst cases will usually try counselling etc, as Nicole mentioned of her ex wife. Sometimes though, it's just not meant to be and that's the same of half the marriages out there.

It's not all bleak, Stephanie. We GG's can struggle with this - a lot. Yes, many will decide that life is easier without crossdressing - often because their H is a selfish, obsessive git who puts dressing before everything else. But I am endlessly uplifted whenever I hear how many women do stay and figure things out. There's way more than you realise.

[Mimi]

I fall into the "didn't kick my husband to the curb" category. I love my spouse and I understand that it is not a choice to be transgendered. Our marriage was strong to start with, and Eryn has been honest with me and responsible with finances, as well as striving to be a better partner. I believe that the marriages that don't survive CDing fail due to other issues on the part of one or both members of the marriage--the CDing merely provided the catalyst.

[Kristina_nolagirl]

I just love it when people who think they are scientists take the worlds smallest sample size (just their life) and assume that is the way it is. NOT! It's so freaking ridiculous.

For lack of a better saying, I'll say people are like snowflakes, no 2 are exactly the same. Each person is shaped by their genetic disposition and their life experiences. On one end, there are women who will never accept a crossdressing husband and in the opposite end are women who try to turn their husband into a crossdresser because they like it. 98% of us fall somewhere in the middle of these 2 extremes.

I just got off the phone 20 mins ago with my wife who was crying about the blog post I made on my blog about crossdressing. Not sad tears, but happy ones. She said and I quote "I love Chris and Kristina so much! If either of you ever leave me, I'm coming with you." We talk about how my crossdresding has created some unique issues to deal with but overall has brought us closer together than we ever imagined. I can say without a doubt in my mind that it truly has.

That being said, I do put her needs and desires over mine and I don't over do the crossdressing. In turn, she put me over her. So many people get an inch of acceptance and take a mile. If you over do it with crossdrsssing, alcohol, stamp collecting or anything else your going to run into problems - that's relationships 101.

I'm sure I'll get the typical response from some of the baby boomers here. "You were born in a different time, our generation is different. Women of our generation are not accepting." That more bull. Get out of your little tunnel and read here or many other places online and you will see many happy marriages with crossdressing husbands - of all ages. I read both ends and usually come to the conclusion that a good majority of the "woe-was-me my wife won't love the crossdressing me" people don't realize that they in fact are the problem - not their wife!

There's my rant...hope everyone has an amazing 4th of July!

[Ressie]

LOL Kristina, you just posted what I was thinking.

Though there are similarities, every CD is unique. Every women's reaction to her spouse CDing is also a little different. It's good that we can relate our own experiences with these matters, but it ain't scientific data. It's pretty much opinion based on experience or what one has read on the internet. There are some women that would freak at their man just wearing panties for example. And do most CDs really assume that women know anything about crossdressing? I find that they don't hardly know the difference between a CD and TS because it has nothing to do with their world. So for those CDs that assume women in general have in depth knowledge of CDing please raise your hand.

[Marcelle]

. . . We talk about how my crossdresding has created some unique issues to deal with but overall has brought us closer together than we ever imagined. I can say without a doubt in my mind that it truly has. . . . I'm sure I'll get the typical response from some of the baby boomers here.

Kristina . . . baby boomers (my wife and I) here (albeit tail end) and I echo your sentiment. Since coming out to my wife she went through the "Huh?" phase to the "Really?" phase and finally the "Understanding/Acceptance" phase. Definitely some unique issues cropped up during my journey this past year but we have met them and our relationship is much stronger. I asked her recently about how she was feeling about my CDing and our relationship. Her reply (roughly quoted) "I have to admit it was a bit odd at first and given hind sight I would not have imagined this 24 years ago when we married. However in the past year I feel as though I got the man I married back, fun loving and happy" For some background for those who do not know my story, the five years before I came out to my wife (last year) were dark times indeed and while supressed CDing tendencies may have been floating around in there, the dark angry days were attributable to life and my occupation and we were drifting apart. CDing has rekindled a bond between us and we have both embraced it in our lives.

So I am one whose wife has not kicked me to the curb.

Hugs

Isha

[Badwolf]

I agree with everyone who doesn't see the competition argument.

While the "guy in a dress" argument has it's weaknesses. Some that present well, some GG's might not even know it. In the end this just comes off as a derogatory comment.

But in the end CDers are a drop in the bucket, plus in terms of a relationship, you two are in theory a partnership. Especially if your interested in her exclusively there is no one you could steal, and you'd hope there wasn't any potential candidates anyways.

[sometimes_miss]

You've gone off the deep end. I can't even quote the nonsense you wrote. You failed to include that they also become Nazis! Come one. Any extreme, ridiculous, and nonsensical examples are just a waste of electrons. You are in denial. You WANT cross dressing to be the source of your issues but it is your narcissism, not the cross dressing. OUT!

I understand that as someone with a supportive spouse, you find it hard to believe that there are any women out there that would find crossdressing to be completely unacceptable in a husband, but I assure you, a huge percentage of them do. Otherwise many of us here would still be married, or gotten married again. While you may think me a narcissistic ass, most women do not. I've never had any problem attracting women, I simply cannot find one who likes and is sexually attracted to crossdressers. And I don't think my experience is at all unusual for other crossdressers.

[PaulaQ]

I understand that as someone with a supportive spouse, you find it hard to believe that there are any women out there that would find crossdressing to be completely unacceptable in a husband, but I assure you, a huge percentage of them do. Otherwise many of us here would still be married, or gotten married again.

That's one of the astounding things to me - there is a big disconnect between the perceptions of those with accepting spouses, and those with non-accepting (ex)spouses. I haven't seen any research on this that I believe in terms of statistical evidence, but peruse any dating site that allows searches for TG folks and you'll find very few women who actively seek a transgender partner. (Be they CD / TS / whatever.) You can find plenty of lesbian women who seek other women. (And some of them are OK with TS women.) But given how few straight girls seem to be interested in us, I'm inclined to believe that non-acceptance is the more common reaction.

[MatildaJ.]

sometimes_miss wrote (roughly)

I assure you, a huge percentage of women find crossdressing to be completely unacceptable in a husband.

I think there are plenty of women who can handle their husband wearing panties. I think there are plenty who can handle a husband who dresses for a sexual thrill when he's by himself, a couple of times a month. But when people jump in with comments like:

very few women actively seek a transgender partner

and

Zero women looking for TG in my area.

That's not really the same thing. I don't think we would keep having this debate if people would stick to reasonable positions.

A reasonable position is: most women can put up with a small amount of CDing in an otherwise attractive husband. But for most of those accommodating women, the CDing is still a negative (so they don't post ads looking for it!) and the more time the guy wants to spend dressed as a woman, or involving her, or potentially getting caught out in public, the more likely the woman is to walk away.

An unreasonable position is: No women are actively seeking CD/TV, therefore only a tiny minority of women will put up with a man wearing panties.

Most straight men will put up with their wives doing a small amount of decorating & redecorating the house. And some will even get excited and participate with her, strengthening the marriage. But most men don't go looking for wives who redecorate, and most men have a breaking point, when too much time & money is being spent redecorating and the man can't handle it and leaves.