So ive really been in a slump tonight... i was all ready to get dressed up, and i just kind of... stopped halfway through doing my makeup. I just kind of looked at myself... ugly face, beard shadow, and all, and just thought "why do i even bother?" I really want to be able to get to the point where i might even be able to go out in public as Kayla, but im just too afraid that i dont look different enough from my boy mode that i would wind up being outed, or even recognized, by someone. I just dont think i would be able to cope with it if that happened. I just dont feel like ill ever be able look good enough that when people look at me theyll actually see a girl, rather than just a guy in makeup. Its a very discouraging thought, to think that this is such a big part of my life and who i am, but i may never be good enough to reach my goal of being able to go out as a girl and actually be seen and treated as one. I know that there will always be some people that will be able to tell, and i know that i shouldnt worry about it so much and just do what i want... but still... i cant help but feel that if i cant get to the point where i can do it without fear of being outed, then theres not really much point in doing it at all. I really dont want to just give up on it, but a lot of the time i feel like i should, because i just cant look good enough. I hate it, and i wish i could be more comfortable with myself and the way i look when im dressed up, but im just not... any advice? i dont want to just seem like im fishing for compliments here, because im really not. Im just asking for tips on what i could maybe do better with my looks, or on ways to be more comfortable with the way i look now.
