Ultimatum or Fair Deal?

[Angie G]

I can go all out dressing as long as I don't go out. Makeup is a go but not everyday. I have forms that she orderdfor me.The only thing I can't do is shave the mustache.And I gave her a very big "THANK YOU"
Angie

[Chardonnay Merlot]

What if your SO came to you out of the blue and proclaimed, "I know how much you enjoy dressing, so at home you can wear any clothing or shoes you want. But NO makeup, wigs or padding or shapewear".

1] You immediately reply with ____________________________________?

I'd immediately reply with okay, you want to change the terms of our agreement, please explain why you wish to change the terms?

I understand this goes beyond the basic question, but this raises a lot of points.

1. When I engage in any relationship, I state it point blank up front. "I'm a crossdresser. I enjoy it. I go out dressed from time to time and I have other friends who do...and I belong to a support group."

At that point my potential significant other can "deal" or "no deal"...It's her choice.

If she chooses "deal"...At that point I am more than willing to negotiate. And I usually start with the Tri-Ess "Rights" template...Tri-Ess.org Bill of Rights It's not 100% perfect, there may be some points of contention, but it is a good starting point.

2. My personal policy going forward.

-- 1. Discuss everything -- If there is a concern on other side, we talk it out like two adults and we make a compromise together. I believe that 99.99% of any problem within a relationship can be solved with two people having a real conversation coming from a position of love and understanding. More "we", less "me".
-- 2. No Presentation With Request -- This is the policy I have mainly with my parents, and that goes for questions as well. If they want to know, they can ask. If they want to see me in something, they can ask. I have found that more often than not when you give the option and not force the option, its possible. But I do have a corollary to that. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Educate yourself in the issues involved! At the beginning, I would point a potential partner to a lot of information. I'd invite them to my support group meetings etc. A little knowledge goes a long way.
-- 3. DADT=DEALBREAKER -- In the past, I've dealt with a few people who say, "I don't wanna know, and don't wanna see it!", and I've had others say, "I can understand, but I need some time to digest it before I see "femme you".
The latter case is NOT DADT on it's face, it can get that way if its used as a "hedge" to avoid the issue. Again, see the corollary, a little knowledge goes a long way. At the beginning at least, that second case is a fair compromise. My response is "That's fair. When you are ready, let me know. But realize for us to make it, at some point you have to be ready.


A note about something:

"I know how much you enjoy dressing, so at home you can wear any clothing or shoes you want. But NO makeup, wigs or padding or shapewear".

My response would be: "Why would you want me to do anything half-assed?"

[Wildaboutheels]

So it would appear that many of you sleep with forms, wigs and makeup? And maybe padding too? Wouldn't that make it awfully hard to sleep or be bad for some of it?

[Zylia]

Nope, just boxers for me. The whole 'sleeping en femme' thing is just silly in my opinion.