Question - All Replies Encouraged

[sammiecd]

All these different responses. Wow. My wife and i just recently discussed my cd, and we're still coming to terms with it. So far i don't feel that it has effected us very negatively. I have a hard time not being embarassed around her now, but i'm sure that will fade. She mentioned taking her mother and neice out to get pedicures (after we had talked the other night about when i took her and I to get one, and confessed to her, that yes, I wanted my toes painted but could not imagine really going through with it.) When she mentioned that we both recognized a bit of embarassment on my part because she knew what I was thinking, but didn't say anything about it.

She has been warm and considerate toward me since our talk, and has been taking her time adjusting. Yesterday (the day after the talk), I sat down in her lap (we're already kind of weird like that), and she hugged me and with smile and chuckle said "there's no chance that what we talked about last night was a dream, was it?" I told her it wasn't. For right now, I'm just happy she knows. It's been quite a weekend

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I'm in the minority here (as always, lol) and don't really understand how it wouldn't change how I see you. I mean, let's be real - it's not just clothing, is it. It's the entire presentation of a woman and regardless of whether my H is still just behaving like himself, he looks disturbingly different and the completely wrong gender to what I married. So yes, it has literally affected how see him. When he crossdresses he doesn't look like a man I'm attracted to and I'd have to be blind not to be affected by this, surely?!

Do I still respect him? Yes. I don't feel the two are linked. I am not as attracted to him after seeing the femme version, but I still respect him as my H and best friend. Given the job you do Isha, I would find it easy to respect a man like you, too. You are the epitome of courage and selflessness, no matter what you're wearing. I wouldn't be attracted to you as Isha though, and I'd struggle not to have this permeate all areas of the relationship.

I do have to ask though, if no one here wants be seen as a woman, why do you crossdress? It seems like an awful lot of effort to still be seen as a man. Am I missing something?

[VickiTheGamer]

My SO does not see me as a women. She accepts Vicki, but she sees me as the Guy she is with but in women's clothing. We kiss, hug and interact like we do when I am not in feminine clothing. Outside, she prefers we are just best friends. She has let me know, "I am NOT a lesbian" and prefers the intimate behavior stay in the house when Vicki is around. Oddly enough though, now that I have finally gone out in the day time, she is all anxious to go out with me now as Vicki to shop and do stuff. She wants Vicki to go out with her now instead of the Male me. So, I am now in the process of trying to figure that out. Perhaps this is the next step to her accepting me as a women.

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Firstly thanks much to all for your kind wishes . . . not the first time down this road and most likely not the last but I always seem to make out okay (relatively that is).

I thought I would reply now as I will get busy over the next few days preparing and may not have time to get back on the forum. It is interesting to see that so many here feel much as I do in that it is not so much "being seen as a woman" but doing something that makes us feel complete. I guess when it comes down to it we (CDers) don't truly loose sight of the fact that we are still guys even though on occasions (given the situation) it is easier to present and act as a woman. I also want to thank all the GGs who responded and provided insight from that perspective as I was truly curious.

I'm in the minority here (as always, lol) ... I do have to ask though, if no one here wants be seen as a woman, why do you crossdress? It seems like an awful lot of effort to still be seen as a man. Am I missing something?

Hey Tink. Nothing wrong with being the minority and honesty is always appreciated in my quest to better understand and grow. As to your question, it is not so much I don't want to be seen as a woman but it is situation dependent. When I am out and about "blending" allows me to move through venues without attracting too much attention. When I interact if people choose to treat me as a woman (gender appropriate pronouns, compliments on clothing, make-up etc.) I won't stand up and say "Hey, I'm a dude so lets talk about dude things (if there is such things). Conversely if someone calls me sir or goes out of their way to treat me like a man . . . I won't be incensed or make a fuss. All I truly want is to be seen as a person who has made a choice to dress and present in a manner which I prefer (boy or girl). Hope that makes sense.

Thanks again all . . . we'll see you all later.

Hugs

Isha

[Martha G]

I'm a guy. Want to stay a guy.

But also likes to dress as a woman.

But when I am dressed as such, like a method actor, I want to become that person. That's why it is so important to me to be able to handle my walk, voice and mannerisms as well as dress to really look passable.

When the makeup and clothing is off then I am back to being me. However, I did enjoy that female experience very much.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Thanks Isha

And thanks for not minding that I'm not a fully accepting GG. Sure, there are other forums out there I could visit with angry wives who hate crossdressing and likely their H's, too. I tried one once and felt even worse as the women made me feel a freak for staying married! (I'm lucky I found a small yahoo group of wives to chat to, who are in the semi-tolerant range like me). But I think there's a balance too, and I don't believe I have to love everything about my H in order to stay with him. I feel better than I did before joining here, but the members here with wives who fully accept probably don't get how important this forum can also be for those of us who struggle. They don't get why women like me struggle, and I'm sure the accepting GG's here don't get why either. Why is this so hard for me and not them? I'd love it not to be, but I don't think I'm a bad person for feeling this way either. Talking to you all here has been the best therapy. I like to over indulge a problem until I'm literally so educated and bored with it, it's not a problem any more. Given all I've learned here, any day now I'll be very bored with my H's crossdressing, lol.

So thanks for asking the big questions that help me think things through, and for putting up with mine x

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Isha, Not knowing exactly how my SO would react to knowing I CD, makes this a bit difficult.
In my my mind, if she was accepting, I would be the guy she has always known. I am today, it's who I am.
I'm sure I would be just as uncomfortable as she for a while. After it played out a while, things would probably progress. They seem to progress without her knowing, why would it stop after her knowing?
I wouldn't force the girlfriend on her if it wasn't something she wanted.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Lidea]

Hi Isha
Good luck with your trip.

As in previous threads, I can surely agree with Tinkerbell.
I just tokd my H tge other night if it was only about the clothes, it wouldnt be such an issue. Then he woukdve looked like my husband in a dress.... and still the same person undrrneath... but now add the wig, makeup, forms etc... and whallah... youve got a whole new person. And to add to that... a fairly goodlooking lady too...

And that is what makes it difficult for me. I do not know how to react, because I know it is my husband sitting next to me... or is it?
I love him so so much, but when en femme, I almost feel dead inside, ie no emotional thoughts towards who is sitting next to me. And it takes some time for me to recover, even after he turned into guy mode again.

I really try to be understanding and respectful though. But as Tink said... I did marry a man, and having a 'wanna look and feel like a woman'-man in the house occasionally, is still difficult.

I do hope that Jenny would also reply to this thread. She can make some insightful remarks...

Thanx for an interesting thread.
Lidea

Sorry for my spelling.... keyboard frustrations

[Jenny Elwood]

Jenny has only visited home a couple of times, and Lidea and I are still trying to find each other regarding this.

To put this into context: We put the kids to bed by 8:00 behind a locked passage door and Jenny dresses (and undresses afterward) in the spare room. Jenny does not, and by mutual agreement, will never get to go down the hallway to the bedroom. This is something we both feel strongly about, so all traces of Jenny is removed before bedtime and intimacy is reserved for the night before or after, since the presence of Jenny may still be latent on "Jenny night" (too late anyway!).

Back to the point. I find Lidea to be very stiff at first, but as the evening progresses she seems to warm a bit to Jenny's presence. I am by nature a very phlegmatic person so it doesn't really phase me whilst Jenny is present. We do talk about things afterwards to try see how we can accommodate each other. My wife, to her credit, has grown as a person incredibly as well. Before, I could not talk to her, I could not express how I felt because she took away my initiative to do so by getting emotional. To all you GG's out there, no matter how much you hate your husbands crossdressing, please, please I beg you afford him the freedom to talk to you about his feelings, his thoughts, his emotions. If you get upset ie. shout, cry, slam the door, chase him away, make threats, you cut the communication channels because, if he is like me, he values peace in the home and will revert to silence otherwise. Crossdressing is however something you need to talk about in a frank and open conversation, where both parties need to have the opportunity to state their case, openly and honestly. So thank you my lovely wife for allowing me the freedom to express myself, not just in the dressing. In many ways crossdressing and the resultant fallout has seen us grow in our relationship outside of it as well.

Initially (my first visit) we kind of pretended Jenny was a totally different person. Though fun at first, it become taxing after a while and now I would say Jenny really is just a different aspect of me. I don't think I become a different person any more, I just spend some time in this extension of my personality. Last time I had a difficult time shutting Jenny down for the rest of the weekend, this time I was fine to be J... again after I removed the last trace of nail polish. I'm not so confused about who Jenny is any more, she has her place, but then I can shelve her away again afterward (for the time being anyway) and be happy in my male role. I'll go out on a limb here as well and admit being intimate with my wife more frequently also helps me shelving Jenny easier. I know a lot of folk here profess that crossdressing is not sexual, and is all about being feminine, but why then do I find it so much easier to put Jenny away when my libido is low?

So to my wife I would like to say this: I know just allowing Jenny in the house without sticking a knife in her back is a big step and if you never move past this it's ok too. I don't have any expectations really, just showing me the courtesies you would afford a stranger in your home is good enough. I will try impact Jenny as little as I can on your life, and yes it is good to be afforded some niceties.

And thanks for the compliments my dear, I know how difficult it must be to afford them to me.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Jenny, thanks for sharing this. My H is the same - I get emotional and antagonistic during a conversation about crossdressing, or anything really, and he can shut down for days. I'd never thought of this as wanting 'peace in the home'. I just thought he was being a typical man in his cave! I try these days to fight a lot less as I've learned it doesn't work anyway. Still, it's nice to have it explained so clearly. My H has always been the guy who prefers calm over drama. Shame he married this hot bloodied girl, isn't it?!

And my H needs his alter ego a lot less when sex is frequent. But then, he freely admits crossdressing is about sexuality for him, and whether gender is included in there somewhere (by default?) he never thinks he's a woman. He just fantasises he looks like the woman he gets off on.

Hard for a wife to acknowledge? Yes! There are two fantasy girls and three people in my marriage. Thankfully, one thing I don't worry about is that he's the hotter one. Not in a frozen hell chance...lol!!

Sorry Isha, if we've gone off on a tangent. You just write such thought provoking threads!

[Claire Cook]

Hi Isha,

What a thoughtful thread. I think much of the responses here depend on the two involved, especially the wife / SO. In my case, Sue would never have been attracted to a macho type, and it was in part my gentler and hopefully understanding side that attracted her to me in the first place. She would call me "sweet one" even before I came out to her. Does she see me as GF? No -- I'm her husband / partner / lover, even though I'm likely to be wearing my comfy clothes around the house (and I find I talk more when dressed...). Sure we go out together as two women -- she appreciates my input on choice of clothes, and if we're buying stuff for the house, Claire's point of view is useful. Much as we like to have GNO's with other girlfriends, if it is the two us, I'd rather it be a husband and wife date (but sometimes it isn't!).

You take lots of care and come home safely!

Hugs,

Claire

[Amanda M]

Isha - just a request. When you get back, can you put it on your to do list to let us all know?

[Zylia]

I do have to ask though, if no one here wants be seen as a woman, why do you crossdress? It seems like an awful lot of effort to still be seen as a man. Am I missing something?

Great observation! Yes, the whole point for me is trying to be seen as a woman when I'm cross-dressed. However, regardless of my presentation, I still feel like a guy (or rather like myself, but I've never been anything else but myself so I can only assume that this is how most guys feel).

People who know me and my hobby (like hypothetical SOs) are free to interact with me the way they see fit (if gender is an issue at all). If they feel the need to interact with me in a way that matches the (suggested) gender of my presentation I'm fine with that. If complete strangers misgender me it can be a bit rude (assuming my presentation isn't too ambiguous), because they obviously can't know for sure what my gender identity is.

[chanie]

Isha, firstly wishing you hatzlocha on your trip and may you return safely.
When I dress I feel female and feel more creative and usually do things that I would never do in guy mode. Such as crafts, rearranging things, and sometime cleaning up the house. My wife even realises that I have been dressed because she says I leave the rooms that much neater when I am.
I always present and act as a guy when not dressed but usually only get dressed when I am at home by myself.