Question - All Replies Encouraged

[suchacutie]

From Tina's earlies moments my wife has not wanted any ambiguity about who is whom. Therefore, Tina is officially a girlfriend, and a platonic one. That decision has been extremelyhhelpful in clarifying our relationship and has also minimized the Tina contributions to what we tthought was my male self but was really a composite. She likes the fact that we more and more know which of my characteristics belong to which gendered self. I asked about this and she indicated that my masculine self was more masculine, which she likes, but also could call upon Tina's characteristics when useful...best if both worlds.

[Badwolf]

So far me and my SO are figuring out what we want but here's the situation.

We started dating kind of casually without any real commitments. Before I knew what was happening she was essentially living with me without ever discussing it. She just kept staying over without concern for my personal space. She had seem some clothes around the house, and I had made excuses, but in the end I came out with it after a few months. She asked quite a few standard questions, and in the end told me she accepted me fully. I had asked her ONLY to let me decide who knew. Now here is where it gets even more complex.

I told her how much I really hope to share this with my partner, and for support, and that lead to a retinue of questions about what I want which I told her. These do include to some extent taking female roles in certain things.

She was passive aggressive about the whole ordeal for over a year, while pretending to accept it. Taking it as far as pushing beyond anything I ever even said I wanted on some stuff, and withholding other parts on purpose. It drove me nuts. She continued to focus on my limitations on her talking to people as if I wasn't allowing her to talk to anyone...when she didn't really ask me to tell anyone other than my own family. She tried to skirt the subject when she met my dad, and kept making her side bigger than mine only because she felt like her side wasn't truly being heard so what she said had to be blown way out proportion.

In the end she broke the issue to my mom after a fight without asking me (who is behaving as best as could be expected, which honestly is pretty supportive when she's not dealing with her own issues which makes he really unpredictable). After that she finally started understanding my side of the story. It's taking another whole year and a half or more to really start progressing to see if she really does feel comfortable.

Finally in the end there is one line in the sand she's drawn that I accept. She wants a husband, and kids. I do enjoy the male part of myself as well as the female part of myself and I want children as well, so so far none of the lines seem to really be drawing a crosshairs on the relationship. So while in bed I do like to sometimes have a girl be in control and do some other things, I don't want to be viewed as a separate person, and so far she seems to be willing to explore that type of relationship.

[Amanda M]

For me, you can take Jennifer's reply and sign my name to it! Isha, don't let the bad guys get you, and come back safe.

[Donnagirl]

Isha,

Stay safe my friend, don't worry about the weight, double up on the plates!!!

This really resonated with the SO and I, in fact she could have written it her self..

"In the past year since you have started dressing I have finally got the man I married back as you have become happier, fun loving, attentive and nurturing. "

Self acceptance and that release of inhibitions, the honesty and the crumbling of those walls of deceit.... Totally liberating.

Hugs,

Donna

[Katey888]

Isha,
I read your question yesterday and intended to think on it a while rather than answer right away... I suspect many others in my circumstance may also be doing the same, but I can't leave a sister (Gretchen) alone carrying the 'Doesn't know' flag..

So to address your question framed as:

Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Unlike Gretchen - alas - I don't believe my lovely, conservative wife would be 100% accepting - so that certainly scores a few negatives to start. When I try to imagine what I want should I ever come out to her, I find I have real difficulty to solidify any expectation... other than perhaps the narcissistic side of me that wants her to say "Hey - I'm surprised but you actually make a half decent looking female..." And even that worries me... I think it's because when closeted we only do this for ourselves - by definition, really. And when I think further on the nature of your question, I suspect it has a self fulfilling element to it - so I did a quick bit of analysis and made a pie chart(pic below - I thought it was about time...)

Predictably, the bulk of respondents are those who have an SO that knows and accepts to some degree (I've included the other categories for the sake of keeping the tally correct and excluded some replies as they can't be completely categorised). I'm beginning to understand something about the nature of this forum and why it has that nature... that's probably for another discussion... my observations here...

• The lucky folk (like yourself) who have an SO that knows and accepts are more than happy to talk about these issues because they have context and relevance - for me to answer this question: it's imaginary - a fantasy... I can only hypothesise - which is why I don't think you'll get many 'Doesn't know' responses.. (happy to be proven wrong)
• You haven't added the category: "For CDers (whose SOs know and have kicked them to the curb)" For obvious reasons, whatever they may have wanted their SO to feel, it has become moot in their rejection... and therein lies the biggest fear for the closeted CDer...
• GGs here are - almost by definition - accepting. The non-accepting ones go elsewhere (cdwives.com springs unfailingly to mind)
• DADTs are also quiet - again, virtually by definition...

Interesting developments... here's my simple chart - have a great weekend, and when you do go away, keep your head down!
Katey x

[Aprilrain]

At first I didn't want to see my boyfriend dressed, I'd seen pictures and that was enough. I never thought less of him but I'd always known, there was no "big reveal". I just didn't want to be put on the spot if he were to ask me how he looked (he looked like a man wearing a bad wig and a dress that didn't fit) After awhile I got over myself and didn't care as much but he would never dress around me, in fact he claimed to never dress though I know that wasn't true because I'd find clothes laying around. I believe he had deeper issues than just wanting to CD, after we broke up he took hormones for awhile. He has since quit and now has some sexual dysfunction from taking them. I think he wants to transition but has too much fear about it. I was his proxy.

[Michelle (Oz)]

DADTs are also quiet - again, virtually by definition...

Katey, you made the point that DADTs are quiet. The way Isha framed her questions, DADT is not included.

DADT works really well for me and my wife who knows I dress but never wants to discuss my dressing let alone see me.

From reading some of the responses I am fortunate to be free of the emotional rollercoaster that many SOs experience.

[Katey888]

Michelle - I didn't see that in Isha's definition - it might be a misinterpretation but for me, DADT SOs are 'SOs that know' - Isha made no distinction about them having to be accepting SOs, so DADT should be included. I agree the question is less relevant, but no more so than for 'SO doesn't know' - DADT folk do still often have hopes that their SO's perspective will change.

In any case, I believe Isha generally makes these questions all-inclusive, like any good vacation destination should be (as it's a holiday weekend for our US cousins )

Katey x

PS: And yes, I'd agree it seems you are fortunate...

[noeleena]

Hi.

For myself is about acceptance, not what clothes are worn or even trying to look like a female its about being born female and growing into a woman , so a bit different ,

Jos accepted after I told her I was different, took a few years, Plus our family of 18, and of cause our many friends and those I interact with, Jos has remarried and to a..... Nice guy..... so that's good, and we get on well.

How was I perceived, yes as like a male that's part of being intersexed. some of both being male and female , As for now , Just a woman who's well accepted and involved in many groups and with in socity,

To sum up people who get to know my self as a person accept my difference and remain my friends and I them .

...noeleena...

[adrienner99]

Carla really nailed that answer!

[Jenniferathome]

... I just didn't want to be put on the spot if he were to ask me how he looked (he looked like a man wearing a bad wig and a dress that didn't fit) ...

April, this very comment/concern came from another GG here and I offered up a thread that basically said, "tell him." Information is gold. You don't have to coddle a cross dresser by offering false praise. Many of us are challenged with fashion choice. Women develop a style over years yet we cross dressers jump in the deep end, often with disastrous results. Women can help men go from a sl*tty look to a more rational look. IF a wig is bad, tell us! In the end, we are still dudes in dresses, but removing screaming errors is only helping.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Isha, there is no enlightenment that I can add to this thread. My first and only concern is for your safe return. Much peace to you & your wife, Mel

[Cheryl T]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed?

Around the house I may be dressed and carrying myself in a feminine manner, but our interactions are still husband and wife.
My only request is that when we go out that I be treated as a woman. I carry myself that way, I dress myself that way and I feel that I am that inside. It would bother me greatly to be treated as a male when I most certainly do not appear to be that nor do I feel that I am in that circumstance. Of course I still watch over her and protect her in every way, but I need to be her friend (girl friend) in those moments.

[KatieGG]

No, I do not see my husband as less of a man for being a cross dresser. He supports me, he protects me and never lets me forget how much he loves me whether he is wearing jeans or a dress. Maybe it is because I was never really into the whole "macho" kind of guys. It is more important to me for my man to be confidant, open and honest about who he is.

[Di]

Of course ours is a bit different/ as I met Sherlyn and dated Sher first ...met the guys side later. So none of the less of a man thing applys. Simple answer kind,attentive, loving person I fell in love with.

BE SAFE HON....WE WILL BE WORRYING ABOUT YOU!

[Ginger Jameson]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

I'm my wife's friend, not GF or BF, and vice versa. Or maybe its better to say I'm both, and vice versa. She's also both to me. We love clothes shopping together and remodeling the house, ogling boobs and talking about cute guys, painting our nails and walking the dogs. I open doors for her whether I'm dressed or not.

In our daily lives she fulfills most of the "feminine" roles: cookies, gardening, most of the cleaning. That's more because I work outside the home than because of gender.

I don't think she sees me as less of a man. The bills are paid, mouths are fed, and the family's needs are met.

In bed we take turns being "the lady." I take more turns at it and that would be true without crossdressing.

[CarlaWestin]

Carla really nailed that answer!

Thanks. I thought I did, too. Like anything else, once you peel off the layers of drama and nonsense, you wind up with what was being covered. The Truth.
Of all of the relationships I've been in, they all seem to boil down to, "This is how I expect you to be if you want to stay with me, The Prize."
Of course, I've been tempered by age and educated by experience. Somewhere I heard, "It's unfortunate that the most valuable lessons we learn in life, we learn through pain."
Well, I've graduated and gotten my degree from Pain U. Now it's all about enjoying my life.

I hope I haven't bored anyone.

[Christen]

Isha,

If I were ever to appear dressed in front of my wife, I'd just love it if she was able to treat me .. actually, I don't know, I really don't.
Maybe if she just humoured my ridiculous obsession, that would good.
Stay safe Isha.

Christen x

[Greenie]

Isha:

I am not quite sure how to answer this question I am pulling inside myself to discover that still I have a difficult time being intimate with luca after I see him dressed. I do not know why. I dont know if I would use the term less of a man luca is luca. I dont really look at him as man/ tg/cd. Just as mine. I strive in my life to look past the gender binary and not allow those misconceptions to cloud my judgment. To be fair, luca has never been overtly masculine. He has however always just been him. And he is a man. Prefers me using the masculine even when dressed.

I dont ever see him as a different person. but the attraction factor changes based on dressing. His demeanor also changes slightly when dressed. And I do not like that. But I dont think its him trying to act feminine or anything. He is quieter, and more shy, less confident. But that also couod be because he is afraid stilp of my reaction, and because he knows I am not attracted to that appearance.

Does that answer your question at all? You can always pm me for more.

[Alice Torn]

Isha, I wish for your safety and return alive and well. If the vanilla world and media, would here of a noble, upright man and cd like you, maybe opinions would change a bit. i did hear of a U.S. Navy Seal, that was highly decorated, and the top of his field, come out, and even wrote a book about his life. Too often, we hear of cd's considered wierdos, pervs, deviants, yada yada. You are a noble, fine human being, in guy or gal mode!

[Ressie]

I've only been in one relationship where I dressed freely in front of my SO, and it was only during sex. I guess I never expected any of my exes to accept me as a woman, or even accept CDing. I also believe it's not a good idea to expect anything from anyone. Expecting something and not getting it ends in disappointment.

That said, I'm expecting Isha to return safely.

[Felicia Dee]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Hey Isha, first off, I wannna say that I am sending all the positive vibes, love and best wishes for your safe and speedy return. You're a wonderful person and the world is a better place with you in it. <3 <3

Now, onto your question...

Do I EXPECT my wife to accept me in all I am and do while en femme? No. Do I HOPE she will better understand me as a PERSON? Yes. For that matter, it is my hope that as I explore this side of me, I will better understand MYSELF.

What I have said to her since the beginning, is that I defer to her comfort level... That is, I don't want to do anything that could potentially upset her or make her unhappy. As far as the marital bed goes, let's just say that some new avenues have presented themselves and we have been exploring them openly and honestly.

Together.

[Keri L]

Be safe, Isha! Sending positive, lucky thoughts your way.

Best,

Caitlyn

[Eryn]

For CDers (whose SOs know): Do you expect your SO to accept you as a woman in all things you do when dressed? Specifically, do you want to be her GF vice her husband even though that may make her uncomfortable. I always remember that I am a guy and even when dressed around the house. My wife and I interact as if I am a guy. I may change my mannerisms to fit the femme presentation but our interaction is "boy/girl". As far as the marital bed goes . . . only one lady there . . . my lovely wife.

Mimi and I treat each other as women friends whenever I am fully dressed which is usually only when we go out. She's my BFF, so to speak.

Around the house I'll dress "andro" but I am her husband.

Internally, I don't feel like there are two personalities. I'm always "me" but the way that I interact with the world, including my spouse, changes when I'm dressed. It just doesn't feel natural to interact with her as a husband figure when I'm dressed.

[LouderThanWords]

First of all, best of luck with your work! I hope all goes well

For GGs only: Do you see your SO as a less of a man after seeing him dressed? I am not trying to be argumentative but I am curious as to why you should see someone differently due to physical presentation. If your SO is a kind and good man, an attentive husband/father who does all the things you need him to do, then how does the physical presentation change that? They are the same person. I understand if your SO is selfish and wants you to accept them as a woman in all aspects of life (be your GF vice your husband or introduce the gal into the marital bed if that is not your wish) but if they just want to dress , what changes your perception?

I am cognizant that some here have SOs who are on this site so if you wish not respond I understand. However, if you are willing a PM would be nice as I am trying to understand this from your perspective as much as mine.

Here are my GG two cents

I don't see my SO as less of a man before, during, or after seeing him dressed. My BF is no different in terms of who he is when he's wearing a dress and forms. I've never been attracted to super-manly men, and my BF certainly isn't one of them. We'd openly discussed our perception of gender roles before he even told me about CDing (I grew up without a father-figure so I do a lot of traditionally masculine things myself).

The only time my perception of him changes based on his physical presentation is when he's wearing makeup (he doesn't wear wigs). Natural-looking makeup or a well-done smokey eye doesn't bother me, but when he's wearing brightly colored makeup he just doesn't quite look like my BF and I'm slightly less attracted to him. He has no interest in going out dressed, so our relationship when he's dressed is just like when he's "en boy." In fact, I'd say we're a bit more intimate when he's dressed because he's more relaxed. His CDing currently is more fetish-based, but we know there's always a chance that could change in the future.

As long as my BF stays who he is on the inside, stays open and honest with me about his CDing, and is open to compromise (if possible) when something bothers one of us, then I've got no issue with it and it doesn't change my perception of him.