Finally some time to myself ... and it's confusing.

[Helena Gwyn]

Hi everyone

After two months of absence due to school, I finally have some time for myself but it's confusing, and I would just like to write about it hoping it will clear things up a bi.

School was hard last year. We had a lot of problems with discipline and a schoolboard not willing to see they're actually causing it themselves by letting it happen. I've been fighting a burn-out for a few months, I made it, but have a long way ahead to get as good as I was a year ago, hoping things will be better next year. Anyway, things at school forced me to take stand, to voice my opinion, which was hard because for the last six months, I don't really know who I am anymore.

Since accepting my desire to CD 6 months ago, a lot has changed in the inside. I came to realise it's not about the clothes, it's about expressing who I feel I am. I desire to be pretty, elegant, beautiful, tender, ... and behave like it as well .
Life used to be fairly easy. Somehow I always knew I was different, but I managed to fit in more or less, not questioning myself, ignoring this desire in me. And although it's nice being able to CD at home now, life is a lot harder when I step out of the door. I feel like I don't belong, I don't fit in. I've never questioned myself being born as a male, or at least I never dared to. But from what has come to surface in the last few months, I'm doubting myself more and more.
When looking at woman, I used to think I was just attracted to them. Now I realise it's like I want to be them, have the same haircut or haircolor, the same makeup, the same outfit, ... . I feel jealous, I don't look like them, and I can't leave my house (yet) trying to be like them.
When I look at pictures of myself or when I look in the mirror, I don't see me. It's hard to explain. I used to love my beard, my short hair, my rather athletic build, the entire image used to work for me being a male, but somehow I can't find a way to like me like that anymore. I thought it would come back to me, but it's gone. Sometimes I wish I'd never accepted this, or that it would disappear, life would be easier, but then again, living a lie is not really living at all.

Two months ago I talked about my journey with a friend at a wedding. I didn't plan this, but I just had to talk about it to someone I knew and knows me. She recognised a lot of her own struggle when she realised she wanted to spend her life with another woman. Honestly she wasn't shocked, it actually 'explained' some things I do or say or how I do or say them, the puzzle suddenly fit. It felt liberating to finally say out loud that I might be transgender. She was happy that I was able to confide this to her and will see her again soon for another talk.

At the end of this month I will see my therapist again. I hope to get some confirmation or some guidance on this. I would love to accept myself for who I really am and live like I feel I want to, but it's frightening, it's stepping in the unknown with possibly a lot confrontation ahead.
Next friday I'll be attending a monthly meeting. Being there seeing others I strongly feel I wish to be like them, living their lives freely as they feel to. It's like coming home.

Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading. I know I'm not alone, which is encouraging.

Love to all!

[Roxie]

Take your time, sounds like your starting to find your way. 6mths is not a long time to get your head on completely straight ,its a start and it sounds to me like realize this is a struggle and have been seeking help.Good. Keep on talking with your friend as she seems to be on the same page. I know that Ive been going through some changes myself in the CDing dept. and have received a lot of support on this site.
Be yourself ,because that's the only person you can be.
Roxie

[bimini1]

Don't move too fast. Make sure you are not making it into something it's not. Just be cautious not to "put ALL your eggs" into the TG/CD bucket. Especially if you had no problems being male earlier. Good luck at finding who you are.

[Katey888]

No, you're not alone Helena...

Sounds like you're doing the right thing with therapy or counselling - if you can get referred to someone with specific gender issue experience I believe that would be a plus, but anywhere is a good start!

I get the feeling (just a feeling, mind...) that a lot of folk here who go through some of the discovery you have, can get a bit carried away with the euphoria of feeling that this isn't a bad or wrong thing that we do, and that it's good to be able to express who we feel like inside... like a release of pent up feelings... Which isn't bad, but you might just be feeling that 'high'. Counselling is a good way to explore that with someone experienced at helping others navigate those feelings... it might just be euphoria, or it might be something different... you need to take your time in delving into what's behind that a bit more before coming to any conclusions...

Do come back here and let us know how things progress and you know you can always vent or seek a soft shoulder here...

Good luck!

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

Helena
Reading through your post I realise you are taking the right steps to discover yourself.
I do hope it goes well and you do establish where you are in the spectrum of life.

[Helena Gwyn]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my confusions . The day after the monthly meeting I told my brother about my journey so far. I was feeling down, waking up in reality and had to talk about it to someone close to me. I've always had a very good relationship (despite the many fights when we were young ) with him and he reacted surprised but understanding. It feels liberating knowing that someone in my family knows what I'm going through, and is doing everything to be as open and understanding as possible.

Recently I also discovered and came to terms with myself being a Highly Sensitive Person, something only 20% of the population have (you can read more about it on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person). Actually I've been in therapy for this the past 8 years, not knowing what it was exactly, but reading a recommended book about it recently on holiday opened my eyes. My entire life is being questioned right now, I' m seeing so many things, events, assumptions, ... in another light, so my confusions, as some of you stated as well, go broader and deeper then just the CD-part. I don't want to go to fast, but don't want to stall either.

Monday morning I have my planned therapy session. I'm looking forward to it, hoping to get a clear view on what I feel and why I feel it. I'll keep you posted. You're all so lovely, helping and supporting all of us.

[Helena Gwyn]

Well, the therapy session was great. Amongst other things I was able to talk freely about the things I've done so far in the CD-department. It actually was fun to talk about all this. There were even some laughs from me and my therapist. The answer was reassuring as well. Despite being 'abnormal' in the eyes of society, it's normal for me and she encouraged me to experience more of it, even dare to go shopping in actual stores. Time will tell who's the real me, but Helena is definitely part of it and she's going to come out more often. I'm really starting to like her .

I also reassured my brother that he won't be losing his brother anytime soon, but that he might get a new sister. I had recently done me toe-nails and asked him if he wanted to see them. He smiled, a little bit uneasy, but he smiled nonetheless and thanked me for being so open.

Other news is that I'm not going to start teaching again in september. I'm obviously suffering from a burn-out and need a time-out. The schoolboard won't be pleased with this, but I hope to get until november to rest up and get back on my feet. Anyhow, more time for Helena .

[scarlett]

I missed something. What does this have to do with school?

[Helena Gwyn]

I missed something. What does this have to do with school?

Hi Scarlett, as I told in my first post, I've had a difficult year in my job resulting in this burn-out. Things that went wrong forced me to take stand and form an opinion going against my schoolboard, and that's not easy when you're doubting or questioning yourself on personality level, at least it wasn't for me.