I need input from other cross dressers...

[mbeth426]

@devida - her relationship issue has everything to do with gender. Her spouse is likely to get a libido back after starting HRT, or getting SRS, if that's what she chooses to do. Some don't and end up asexual, but most of us eventually get a libido back.

Her problem is whether or not her spouse will transition, and what she'll do about it.

Pretty much. I mean this all started with the loss of interest in sex issue, but everything else unraveled from there. Even if it was just the lack of sex issue, I still wouldn't skip town immediately. He has a problem, he was/is addressing it. And it's not so much him just thinking sex with me is disgusting, but all sex as disgusting. So, it's not like I'm the problem (though as I've already admitted, my self esteem and confidence has been affected by it). So, even if he goes through therapy and decides not to transition, the issue of his feelings toward sex and the communication problems are still there, but I told him I'd still be willing to stick around and try to work through them, while still knowing ultimately in the end it could still not work out. I hate giving up and I'm a fighter. Living with type 1 diabetes, Bipolar II, Hashimoto's thyroiditis and PCOS, I just have to be. So I have taken that quality into my relationships. But he also knows I feel like sometimes he's not fighting as hard for us as I am, even though we used to fight as a team. But I think part of it is he doesn't want to hurt me and he feels so much guilt over the hurt and confusion I am feeling now, that he is afraid to fight and still not have it work out. He told me today in therapy they talked a lot about his feelings of guilt and trying to be okay with it.

Though I will say this, as much as you keep saying how depressed and suicidal and miserable you felt, I still do not see this in him. I think that's why he even thinks about not going through with it, because he doesn't feel miserable and depressed. He just needs to sort it all out. And all I can do is wait.

Is it possible he's been dabbling in hormones (herbal or otherwise)? I know hormones can have exactly this effect on libido and attitudes on sex. I think some of us try hormones hoping to find a magic boob-growing pill and find out it only stopped erections and caused a loss of libido.

Not something I really considered, but I'm fairly certain he hasn't/isn't. I could ask him to be absolutely sure, but regardless of the answer it doesn't really change his current thoughts/feelings so I don't think the answer really means anything.

[PaulaQ]

Not everyone experiences the same depression and anxiety that I did. I waited too long to start transition. By the time someone is as miserable as I was, it's sometimes too late for them. I was surprised I made it through the last year. Some of us just realize we'll never really feel right or be happy unless we transition. I bet he's been more miserable than you realize. Gender dysphoria is nasty - I wouldn't wish what I went through on terrorists.

To some extent, transition has to be worth it before it makes sense to do it. It's a tough process, and what you gain needs to be better than what you lose.

It's possible he won't fully transition - some of us are able to get significant improvement from only HRT. This is way less radical than a full transition.

Do keep in mind though that what he's going through is essentially the same kind of thing that gives you diabetes. Your body doesn't produce enough insulin. His doesn't produce enough estrogen, and it affects his mind. I hope you are able to see it that way if it comes to that.

Research suggests that transgender people undergo some type of hormonal anomaly in utero. This causes portions of our brains to develop as the wrong gender. For reasons we don't understand yet, people finally reach a point they can't stand their gender dysphoria at different times of their lives.

If he does transition - and I hope he doesn't need to - try not to see it as his failure to fight for your marriage. If he needs medical treatment, he just needs it.

Like I said, what you describe sounds pretty trans to me.

edit:

I forgot to mention that I really sympathize with the agony of your waiting for a decision about whether or not to transition from your spouse. My wife went through that with me, and it was horrible for her. Our relationship during the four months between my coming out, and then our separation, was a roller coaster ride, and really miserable for the both of us. The waiting for my decision was one of the worst parts for her. I told her that I didn't want to transition, but I knew that I couldn't rule it out. I was sick enough that I'd just do whatever I had to do to find relief, regardless of the cost. I'd hoped that just crossdressing would be enough - unfortunately she couldn't bear to see me dressed. Seeing me for the first time greatly accelerated our separation. Once I knew I needed HRT, I told her I'd transition, and we ultimately split up. I started my transition the day I moved out of our home.

From the perspective of a wife, the transition of her husband can feel a lot like his death. It's a grief process. I hope you are spared this, but understand that this could really happen, I'm very sorry to say.

[Nikki Love]

Hi Beth,
Thank you for such a heartfelt letter. You are a very special person. I am sorry to read about your difficulties in your marriage. I have no great advice for you. Life can be difficult. Relationships can be hell. If I were in similar circumstances, I would select the top needs you need from a partner to feel fulfilled, clearly spell them out. Offer support, perhaps as a friend or perhaps as a wife. Determine a time line to develop stability in you own life. Reach out to friends who can support your core. And act accordingly.
Wishing you the best,
Nikki

[mbeth426]

Seeing me for the first time greatly accelerated our separation. Once I knew I needed HRT, I told her I'd transition, and we ultimately split up. I started my transition the day I moved out of our home.

From the perspective of a wife, the transition of her husband can feel a lot like his death. It's a grief process. I hope you are spared this, but understand that this could really happen, I'm very sorry to say.

The small difference between me and your ex-wife is that I've already seen him dressed. Well, dressed as a woman in a man's body. The difference is, eventually the clothes, wig and makeup eventually come off and he's back to being male. I still feel attracted to him when he's just in a skirt/dress. Though we've never tried having sex when he's fully dressed because I said earlier, he doesn't like to be around me when he's fully dressed up because he feels embarrassed to be around a "real" girl. I can't say that even if he didn't get a full sex change and just did HRT that I'd be okay with that. I consider HRT to be pretty much transitioning too because he'd still be living his life as a woman 24/7, but still have a penis. I've already thought about this reversed, what if I had met a trans man but he didn't get surgery to have a penis. I think I could actually become okay with it because he lives his life as male. Even I know there is more to gender than just genitalia. So while you say it will be easier if he decides just to do HRT, it will not be easier for me. Even if he still has a penis, he will no longer be male to me and I will still feel like I'm watching my husband disappear. And yes, I agree comparing this to his death is a very good analogy.

He's leaving for his business trip today, so maybe a couple days apart will be good for us.

[PaulaQ]

There are big differences between you and my wife - you are much more tolerant of your husband's CDing. My wife had very rigid views on gender and sex roles. She wanted John Wayne - somehow she ended up with me. She couldn't touch me for two weeks after I had my chest hair waxed off. You are able to accept and support a lot more than she could. You probably have a fighting chance of making it through this keeping your marriage if that's what you choose to do. My wife couldn't even stand the idea of me CDed.

I can appreciate your feelings about not staying with a transitioning spouse. I've been in your husband's position, and I certainly wouldn't judge you - and neither should anyone else, regardless of your decision.

I would suggest getting some counseling yourself. You'll need it.

If he transitions, and you can't follow him in that path, try to respond with love and understanding rather than anger and resentment. He didn't choose to be this way - none of us did. It's tragic for you both if that's the way it goes. He may well lose his entire family.

Sorry I'm spinning the worst case scenario for you. I know I'm not much fun to hear, and I grieve about what I'm telling you. I watched my wife fall apart trying to deal with my gender issues.

Paula

[BeckyW]

Though I will say this, as much as you keep saying how depressed and suicidal and miserable you felt, I still do not see this in him. I think that's why he even thinks about not going through with it, because he doesn't feel miserable and depressed. He just needs to sort it all out. And all I can do is wait.

For what it's worth (and it might not be much)...

Not everyone experiences depression the same way. Some people who are clinically depressed don't feel sad at all. Sometimes, they just feel nothing.

I lost both of my parents in the same year, when I was in my mid-40's. I have always had some cross-gender feelings, but they were pretty tame most of my life. When my parents passed though, the combination of grief, guilt, depression, and just the general sense of life whizzing by while not feeling like I can express myself for who I really am, just about knocked me out.

I had a very sudden, very strong gender crisis. I started cross dressing, and seriously thinking about transitioning. Although my wife would love me no matter what, I think me becoming a woman would wreck my marriage. I honestly could not see any way to make my life work. (To make things extra fun, I tend to be obsessive about things, so any bad thoughts I have, I really chew on... for *months* in some cases.)

Anyway... Long story short, I went on anti-depressants, and I feel much better. The meds don't take away my gender dysphoria, but they reduce the obsessing, which makes having GD more of a manageable annoyance than a major continual life crisis.

I still cross-dress occasionally, and will continue to do so, because the feminine part of me still needs to be expressed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living on borrowed time though, because who knows? At some point the anti-depressants may not be enough, and I may not be able to control my thoughts any longer. I know on some level that the GD isn't under my control. But... for today, and for the foreseeable future, I'm ok with being a guy.

So... my point... I think your husband is going through a crisis on more than one front (considering he lost his father), and may need to be evaluated and possibly treated for depression even though he doesn't seem to have classic symptoms of depression. The gender issues are certainly a problem, but it might be good to try to take care of other things first.

For you though, please get some local support. Don't go through this on your own.

[DonnaT]

Last year I had to wait for him to make a decision, he was either going to go through with the marriage or our relationship was going to be over.

From all that has been said, and the indication that his testosterone level is normal, it seems very much that he is living in denial. The question is, is it a denial of being transsexual or a denial of being asexual, or both.

For example, his hesitation regarding marriage. Seems as though his inner woman was causing this hesitation, and his denial won out in the argument going on in his mind. Or he had issues with being asexual and worried about committing to a relationship that normally involves sexually satisfying one's wife.

Another example is his need to wear a skirt and panties before having sex. Seems he is not comfortable with having sex, as a man, and the clothes he wore let his mind, as much as possible, take "the him" out of the equation. Or it took him out of the equation altogether, mentally, and he made believe he was someone else.

His religion (same as mine) was quite possibly a crutch to avoid sex, as a man. Or an excuse to avoid sex because of his asexuality.

You mention porn. Was this an aid, a need, to him getting aroused? The mind is a powerful tool at times, but sometimes it needs help to get past an inner issue, whether it is being (apparently) transsexual or asexual, or both.

Hopefully his therapist is considering all the above possibilities.

If I were a therapist, and knew what the heck I was going on about, I'd lean more to the possibility that, gender-wise, he's a CD, and sexality-wise, he's asexual.

[sometimes_miss]

O.K., I'm not TS, though I did have some long periods in my life where I thought I was. So consider that while reading all these thoughts, which may or may not reflect either your husband's or any other TS life.

The wig and makeup was saved for his own time when he was alone in his room (we have separate rooms because I'm a VERY light sleeper) and talking to his cross dressing friends online. He later told me this was because he was embarrassed to be around me because I'm a real girl? I'm still confused by that.

It's hard for some of us to be around GG's when we're crossdressed. A lot of us feel silly and embarrassed about it, because it's something drilled into our minds from the moment of being self aware, that it's something that is never acceptable in a man.

Then, the sex slowly stopped. I noticed he stopped initiating, it was always me going to him.

Being the 'active' rather than the 're-active' person during sex is what men learn is our only acceptable role. And for those of us who don't actually feel that way? It makes us 'act' the role of a 'normal' guy every single time we have sex. And that can be exhausting. Years of doing that and at some point, sometimes we just can't keep up the act. Perhaps this is why he gradually 'let' you become the 'pursuer', and eventually stopped initiating sex altogether. Consider how you'd feel if you had to initiate every single time (as you've learned what it's like for a short time, imagine a whole lifetime of that).

I asked him if he felt miserable in his male body and he said no.

To say otherwise is also something that very few men could ever do. The social conditioning that to feel or behave feminine is so terrible that it's very hard to admit it.

this didn't make sense because I always thought they had this feeling of being born in the wrong body and feeling miserable in that body and he has never shown any signs of this and told me he does not feel this way.

Despite you've heard or read, not EVERY transsexual knows it from birth. Most do, but not all.

I've always had this impression based on things he's said over the years that he idolizes females, puts them on a pedestal. I don't think that's normally the same feelings those who want to transition have?

We often see a female life as better than our own, but it's mostly because we're experiencing the bad parts of being men and not enjoying the good parts. So we see all the good parts of being a girl, but as not having experienced the bad, we don't really know how annoying those bad parts can be.

However, as I tried to absorb all of this, I realized deep down I do not want a romantic relationship with a woman.

Remember, he is the same person that he always has been. His behavior may have changed (perhaps temporarily if the whole exhaustion concept is accurate in his case) but he's still the same guy he's always been. As he recovers from plunge into TS mode, he may be able to resume some of his previously normal male behavior, while learning to compromise his lifestyle just as you have done for him. But remember, he's been living an entire life like this, feeling forced to be something he was not. It will take some time to recover from that. If you love him, it's worth waiting to see how every thing works out. Don't forget how difficult it is to find someone we're truly compatible with.

If he fully transitioned, I feel like I would watch my husband slowly disappear.

Yet if he doesn't go through with SRS, your husband may 'reappear' again, but perhaps not entirely as 'all man, all the time' as you would find ideal. Just as many men over the years have to learn to accept a wife who gradually grows out of the mommy/wife predominant role and later embraces a career that keeps her busy so you might have to deal with a husband who is learning to enjoy spending a good percentage of his time as a girl. No, it's 'not the same thing', as so many women have pointed out to me, but in a way, it is. Relationships and roles change. But who the person is, inside, usually does not.

Also, once he found out you would tolerate his desire to express his feminine feelings, over time he just let more and more of it come out, all the things he has felt over the years, never being able to say or do much about it, and now he has his chance. It happens to lots of us. Most of us never transition, even though we have the urge to do it, upon further examination, the end result of being a MTF TS is not what we really want. The desire to be a real girl can never be realized, and so all we have are the idealized dreams of what we see as a completely different life from what we have experienced, very unsatisfyingly, as a man.

Don't rush into feeling the need to do something. Give it time. See how it all plays out.

[mbeth426]

For example, his hesitation regarding marriage. Seems as though his inner woman was causing this hesitation, and his denial won out in the argument going on in his mind.

No, his gender issues and/or cross dressing had absolutely nothing to do with him questioning to marry me. It was all about his family and the thought of losing his parents (his father was still alive at that time), siblings and nieces/nephews. He feels very close to them and it caused a huge rift because he wasn't obeying his parents and continued seeing me. Yes, he was an adult at that time, but as I've said previously, age does not matter in their culture - you always listen to your parents/elders. Filial piety and family harmony is extremely valued in their culture. It's a very difficult concept for Westerners because we are such an individualistic society.

Another example is his need to wear a skirt and panties before having sex. Seems he is not comfortable with having sex, as a man, and the clothes he wore let his mind, as much as possible, take "the him" out of the equation. Or it took him out of the equation altogether, mentally, and he made believe he was someone else.

Not necessarily, there were times where he did not change.

His religion (same as mine) was quite possibly a crutch to avoid sex, as a man. Or an excuse to avoid sex because of his asexuality.

No, again it came down to his belief of not having sex with someone unless you were married or going to get married. And as I said, he eventually made up his mind that he knew he wanted to marry me (and I him) and we did have pre-marital sex.

You mention porn. Was this an aid, a need, to him getting aroused? The mind is a powerful tool at times, but sometimes it needs help to get past an inner issue, whether it is being (apparently) transsexual or asexual, or both.

No, it was not a need to get aroused. He enjoyed porn a lot, but we never really watched it together. For the longest time, I could just touch him or kiss him or even sometimes just cuddling and he would get aroused. He would not even be dressed at that time.

Being the 'active' rather than the 're-active' person during sex is what men learn is our only acceptable role. And for those of us who don't actually feel that way? It makes us 'act' the role of a 'normal' guy every single time we have sex. And that can be exhausting. Years of doing that and at some point, sometimes we just can't keep up the act. Perhaps this is why he gradually 'let' you become the 'pursuer', and eventually stopped initiating sex altogether. Consider how you'd feel if you had to initiate every single time (as you've learned what it's like for a short time, imagine a whole lifetime of that).

I think you may have misunderstood. It was a lot more equal previously. I would initiate too, it was definitely not all him. But before he stopped having interest all together, it was definitely all me.

Remember, he is the same person that he always has been. His behavior may have changed (perhaps temporarily if the whole exhaustion concept is accurate in his case) but he's still the same guy he's always been. As he recovers from plunge into TS mode, he may be able to resume some of his previously normal male behavior, while learning to compromise his lifestyle just as you have done for him. But remember, he's been living an entire life like this, feeling forced to be something he was not. It will take some time to recover from that. If you love him, it's worth waiting to see how every thing works out. Don't forget how difficult it is to find someone we're truly compatible with.

He may have the same core values, but he will not be the same person as he always has been. Do not even try to tell me that. Otherwise none of us would have any issues with our SOs transitioning! As I've said, if he was always just a friend, I could support him, but as a romantic partner I cannot. And I cannot just switch off the feelings for him to suddenly become just his friend. Even in the past when he was questioning staying with me because of his fear of losing his family, he asked if we could still be friends if we broke up and I told him no. Sorry, you can't have your cake and eat it too. That is not to say that after time it's possible (but not guaranteed) that we could become friends, but I will need the separation to move on and get over the pain. He can so easily shut it off and "save face", but I cannot. I am much more of an emotional person. I always say I cry enough for the both of us.

Sorry, but this comes across like you are trying to guilt trip me over this. I do not feel guilty for how I feel. We had discussed this possibility in the past, he had plenty of opportunities to go in further detail about how much he pursued it, what his feelings were back then, but he gave me the impression that it was a brief feeling and it wasn't important to him and that he just enjoyed cross dressing, that was it. Now all of a sudden, I'm getting more details about what he felt like back then and what his fears were and what stopped him. He had the time back then to tell me those things, but he didn't. I have shared a lot of my personal emotional feelings, past and present, with him. If he didn't have the tendency to brush everything under the rug and avoid problems/issues (not just regarding gender issues) things would not always blow up as they do. It wouldn't have blown up last year and it wouldn't have blown up as bad as it is now. And he kept saying he had NO CLUE what was going on, but then it finally came out weeks later that he was thinking about this for a couple months. Don't sit there and tell me time after time that you have no idea what's going on when you have been thinking about something this drastic for MONTHS. I thought after everything that happened last year and he said he understood how bad it got and that he would never let that happen again, I trusted him and he did the same damn thing. So even if he doesn't transition and we stay together, he/we are going to stay in long term therapy to work through this. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. I have tried to compromise several times, but he always has the attitude of "well, this is how I've always done and dealt with things". Well, that's nice for when you're on your own, but you're married now. Your problem is my problem and vice versa.

And I'm not going to feel bad that it's going to be hard for him to find a compatible partner. It's hard for everyone, some have it harder than others. I have my own issues and insecurities, there aren't that many men out there who like overweight girls either (and I don't want to date someone who specifically looks for fat girls because it's their fetish or whatever). I have chronic health issues and my weight has always been a struggle for me and I battle with it and my energy levels (I have sleeping problems and did a sleep study, but they didn't find anything). But unfortunately, for most people first impressions are "Oh, you're fat? You must overeat and eat fast food and junk food all day." So, yeah, I'm not exactly looking forward to entering the dating field again either if/when I do move on from him.

And today talking with my therapist, even she was taken back how he's now all of sudden ready to lose his family over this. It was like I was some stepping stone for him to get over that hurdle of confronting his family and getting over the guilt of disappointing/losing them. So, in a way, I feel very used. Do I think he did all of this on purpose? No, of course not. But I do feel some anger and resentment too, and I feel they are very valid feelings. But I do try to hold back because yelling at him and telling him how angry I am does not help. So I generally let it out in therapy. Though once a week is not seeming to be enough lately.

[PaulaQ]

He may have the same core values, but he will not be the same person as he always has been. Do not even try to tell me that. Otherwise none of us would have any issues with our SOs transitioning! As I've said, if he was always just a friend, I could support him, but as a romantic partner I cannot. And I cannot just switch off the feelings for him to suddenly become just his friend.

I think you are right about this. Some of us don't change very radically, some of us change a lot. I'm very different myself. There are many things about me that are the same - my sense of humor and intelligence. My desire to help others is greater than it used to be. My sexual preferences aren't really even recognizable from before. My self-confidence, decisiveness and aggressiveness are MUCH better than they used to be - ironically these are traits my wife always wished I had more of. She always wanted someone who'd slap her when she was out of line, and then kiss her. As a man, I could never do that - NEVER. I hated raising even my voice to my wife. As a woman? I'm in a relationship where that's pretty much what happens. I'm still trying to integrate this all together and understand what really makes me tick. Some of these changes have been pretty large from my perspective, and I'm not entirely comfortable with all of them yet. But I'm getting there.

Bottom line - I'm not the person I used to be.

You may find, over time, that you are able to be your spouse's friend, even if you can't stay married to her. That happens fairly often in my experience, although it can take a while before it does.

We had discussed this possibility in the past, he had plenty of opportunities to go in further detail about how much he pursued it, what his feelings were back then, but he gave me the impression that it was a brief feeling and it wasn't important to him and that he just enjoyed cross dressing, that was it. Now all of a sudden, I'm getting more details about what he felt like back then and what his fears were and what stopped him.

And he kept saying he had NO CLUE what was going on, but then it finally came out weeks later that he was thinking about this for a couple months. Don't sit there and tell me time after time that you have no idea what's going on when you have been thinking about something this drastic for MONTHS. I thought after everything that happened last year and he said he understood how bad it got and that he would never let that happen again, I trusted him and he did the same damn thing.

And today talking with my therapist, even she was taken back how he's now all of sudden ready to lose his family over this.

A couple of things here - I'm not trying to defend him or rationalize his actions. It does sound like he wasn't really totally forthcoming with you. A lot of us try to deny this stuff. We do dumbass things like marry hapless genetic women or join the military to try to prove we're really men. We fight against these feelings, tell ourselves "I'll beat it this time!" He probably really wanted what he told you to be true, and may have been in denial about the fact that it was in retrospect a load of bullshit.

I got married twice - I'm a real hazard to genetic women, obviously. I desperately wanted to fight down the stuff inside me. Everyone told me it was wrong, perverted, evil, sick. It's just easy to lie to yourself when your whole life is based around a lie. May as well lie to yourself - you end up lying to everyone else anyway. What's one more? Of course the person you love most is a casualty in all of that lying and deception.

I suspect there's a fair measure of all of that going on with your husband. Most of us fight the need to transition. Coming out to yourself, actually understanding "yes, I'm a woman" is the hardest person a transgender person will come out to. Most of us go through just ridiculous mental and emotional gymnastics to try to avoid the truth about ourselves.

Once the walls in our mind start to break down, and we begin to accept who we really are, it can be like a tsunami - this just unstoppable force that impels us on. It can happen very, very quickly.

And I'm not going to feel bad that it's going to be hard for him to find a compatible partner. It's hard for everyone, some have it harder than others. I have my own issues and insecurities, there aren't that many men out there who like overweight girls either (and I don't want to date someone who specifically looks for fat girls because it's their fetish or whatever).

I'm very sorry to hear about your health issues, and I sympathize with you - big girls are beautiful in my opinion, but so many stigmatize you. It's very unfair, and really cruel.

One question though - why wouldn't you date the type of person who is attracted to your body type? I mean, sure, I can understand not wanting to date some creep who wants to sleep with as many larger women as he can. There are guys like that who are attracted to pre-op trans women, too. But there's bound to be at least a few genuinely nice guys who'll love who you are, both physically, intellectually, and emotionally.

As for your spouse, her future, should she transition will likely be something like the following:
- unless she has amazing insurance, she's likely to stay pre-op for a while, maybe forever.
- She'll likely end up with another trans woman, many of us do.
- Being pre-op, it'll be tough to find a genetic woman as a partner. Not impossible, but harder. Easier if she ends up being very passable and pretty. (Pretty counts for a lot, just like in every other situation in life.)

I can appreciate and sympathize with your anger, frustration, resentment, and your feelings of being used. I watched my wife go through all of that with me. I never wanted to hurt her, but I surely did.

[Beverley Sims]

Beth,
Transitioning is not on my agenda, maybe more time will tell and his thoughts will stabilize a little.
Loss of libido is a surprise and I would say that look as to what is interesting him more than you.

I think a therapist in this case is a good tool, do what you can to keep him seeing one.

[donnalee]

Hi Mbeth, and welcome.
You have my sympathy; I know it seems like an unendurable situation for you with no good way left to proceed, but please don't worry and imagine problems that don't yet exist. I don't think your husband knows what or has a clear idea why this has happened and obviously he can't communicate the answer to you if he doesn't know himself.
The religious rigid upbringing and "mommy dearest" behavior are reminiscent of "Stockholm Syndrome" or child abuse where the abused will do anything to please their abuser in hopes of placating them. Since his father's loss is likely place to examine, perhaps that may be where to begin; ask him if he wants to talk about it. It might be helpful to have a neutral 3rd party with experience in couples and transgender therapy, but it would be best to avoid those who are restricted by dogma, i.e. those with another goal than just trying to help their patients; pretty much anyone can call themselves a "therapist" these days.
Don't panic or get ahead of yourself; I know you're trying to figure this out and there are a lot of fears as you don't know what the future holds, but rushing the solution is not going to solve any problems.
You must love him very much to go this far to support him; he's a lucky girl.
The best for the future,
Donna

[mbeth426]

Don't panic or get ahead of yourself

Funny, I just had to chuckle at reading that and then reading this in your signature:

ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!

[Wildaboutheels]

Congrats on reaching 10 posts! I recommend going to the P&V gallery now and wandering around a bit. I feel sure it will help answer some questions you might have and possibly help clear at least some of the confusion.

[docrobbysherry]

Mbeth, first, I'm sorry your having these issues. Here's my 2 cents on your mishmash of issues:

1. Trying to read his mind is beyond anyone's ability here.

2. 26 and not interested in sex? Sounds like either there's something crucial he's NOT telling u, or he doesn't know himself yet.

3. 26 is way too young for men to get married. They should wait until 30+, when they r more likely to be mature, before thinking about that. Women should wait until 27+ when they tend to mature. My daughter got married at 24. Now, at 27 she can't live with her SO any more!

[donnalee]

Funny, I just had to chuckle at reading that and then reading this in your signature:

"Acting" and "preparing" are far different from each other, although they may concern the same issues. However, I am glad to hear that I provided some amusement for you in difficult times.

[sometimes_miss]

3. 26 is way too young for men to get married. They should wait until 30+, when they r more likely to be mature, before thinking about that. Women should wait until 27+ when they tend to mature. My daughter got married at 24. Now, at 27 she can't live with her SO any more!

Just had to chime in on this; it's not usually the age, but the length of time of the relationship that makes the biggest difference. It takes an average of about 30 months before people can even begin to really 'see' their partner for who they really are. Some longer, some shorter of course; but a huge percentage of people make the decision to get married way too early, while they are still in the relationship with their head in the clouds, thinking everything's just wonderful, unable to see their partner's potential incompatibilities clearly. Now I can hear everyone say out loud, 'Not me, I'm absolutely sure she/he's the right one for me'. Well, history says otherwise. So does modern psychology. Turns out we're hard wired to be attracted, get pregnant, and stay together just long enough for that kid to get up on it's feet. Then the gradual downslide of interest, attraction, as you approach what has been known as the seven year itch to find someone new. Again, the period of time varies. But it happens with so much regularity it's hard to ignore.

[mbeth426]

I think most people say at least 1-2 years for a relationship before considering marriage. Hell, so many people get married before living together or even having sex, so then their marriage fails because they can't deal living with their spouse and their habits, or they're just not compatible sexually (if sex is important to at least one of them). But see, we went through all of this. We lived together for 2 years, dated for 4 before that. We had been together sexually for several years, it was important to both of us. I mean, from an outsider's view, if I had brought up any of these issues and said "we never talked about any of this before getting married..." I would get the whole "you NEED to talk about these things before considering marriage!" speech. That just doesn't apply here. The fact is, we talked about it, a lot. We matched up, or views and needs aligned. We looked down the road together. Now it's him who is pretty much changing and not wanting any of it anymore. I'm not experiencing any "seven year itch" to find someone knew. I married the person I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Except, that person is most likely disappearing.

He has talked a lot about lately how he's really good at pretending about so many different things. He's almost like a child, constantly playing "pretend". He is good at pretending to be the person people want him to be. So now I think in the back of my mind, how much was he pretending with me? Maybe the guy I fell in love with never existed to begin with?

The worst part is, I went through something similar in my late teens, except with a long distance relationship. I got hurt really hard because the guy lied to me, he had a whole different persona for me than who he really was. It was like he was living double lives. I found the other one. I told my husband about all of that too. So to find out it's sort of happening again, it f'in hurts.