A wife who would allow us to fully transition

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

This post is mainly for those of us who are married and have a fully understanding wife who would allow us to fully transition and still remain married.

My wife and I have known a couple for many years where "he" finally transitioned and celebrated her new birthday of 7 years as "Donna" after surgery They still remain married and love life to the fullest. We talk often. We are all around the same age. I'm 61 and my wife is 55. My wife has said on several occasions that I could transition even though I have no plans to. She would also allow me to make any other changes and could live with it. Our sex life is nil and we're still just as happy enjoying life in many other ways. We also express our affection often.

My wife even once told me that were I to fully transition she'd like to see me happy even if I dated men or got married. But she would always want to be a part of my life. I have no plans of that.

So who else here might share similar experiences? Mostly I'm just curious and feel very lucky to do as I please to express myself. And it's okay!

Cheryl

[Suzanne F]

I appreciate this thread so much! I am in the process of coming out as TG. My wife and I are working hard to be honest and stay together. I will be living my life more and more as a woman. We are discussing hormones and how we could adjust to my changes. I am not sure how far I will go in my transformation. One difference for us is that we have a very active sex life. She does treat me as a woman much of the time but we still enjoy intercourse. It is a complicated situation. I am so lucky that she loves me! We are hoping that we will settle on a solution that gives both of us what we need. Cheryl I am very happy that you and your SO are able to maintain your love for one another.
Suzanne

[Daisy41]

My wife is accepting and said she would stick through a transition, but I've chosen to forego transitioning. The value gained for me isn't worth the hardships that it would bring to her and my daughter. To me they take priority over my own happiness.

So instead I present female from time to time. She sees the happiness it brings me and my happiness is important to her. We pretty much put each other before ourselves. It's a wonderful way to live a relationship

[Nigella]

Been there, done that, got the T Shirt

This post is mainly for those of us who are married and have a fully understanding wife who would allow us to fully transitionand still remain married

I do take exception to the final part of this statement that I have highlighted. A person who is in need of transition would not wait for permission to transition. For some transsexuals it is a case of do or die, permission does not even come into it.

It takes a very strong SO, either male or female, to accept that their SO is not the gender they thought they were, and then to stay with the TG person after transition. My SO has been told, on many occasion, that she is admired for staying with me through transition. Her strength shows when she responds, but the person has not changed, she is still the same person I fell in love with and married.

Our relationship has been built with love and trust. Each step of the journey was travelled as a family, sharing the highs and lows together.

Our marriage is strong and loving, just like any normal marriage. Most of you will know my SO, Sandra

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Maybe I need to clarify. If I absolutely needed to transition, I would not wait for permission from anyone to allow me to do so. The fact is that my wife and I truly love and accept each other. In that, we can accept each other's needs and differences. In transition, I believe there are many shades of gray. While I know I wouldn't fully transition and re-socialize my entire life, my wife realizes that I have a certain sense of dysphoria. And she is willing to allow me to take any steps that would bring me a moderate sense of happiness. I want her to be happy just as she wants me to be happy. Happy partners can have an escalating sense of happiness together.

Just as my friend who transitioned and remains married, she lives totally as a woman. Her wife enjoys her partners happiness and together they continue to make each other happy. "His" wife certainly enjoys her new female partner over the old miserable "Sam" she was married to. Their intimacy has grown to great levels.

As I stated, there are many shades of gray. My wife would still enjoy being with me no matter how far along I made any changes. Right now we're still discussing breast implants if it'll make me feel better.

Cheryl

[Jennifer in CO]

I had written a long discussion but will edit down to say this. When some people transition, true they "need" to. The "need" for these people is sufficient that they are going to hurt themselves if they don’t. So true, they can't wait for "permission" (ok...all the Dr/etc stuff aside). But when its your wife/partner/SO/etc encouraging you, the "need" is different.
I "needed" to, but it was to make my presentation match what my body looked like. Right when I quit hormones, I was 34-27-30 (ish) and while tall at 6' was only around 125 pounds. I had a very average figure for a woman my height. As such, presenting as a woman was much simpler than trying to hide things to look like a man (which I no longer did even if I tried). My wife was enjoying it because I was enjoying it. I was enjoying it because she was enjoying it (a vicious circle!). Sex had never been better, and that was what the "need" to transition was based on...improving our sex life.
Things changed 3 years later and I transitioned back at her request. Its a long story, so it doesn't belong here. But to answer the OP, not only did she allow but encouraged it.

[Sara Jessica]

I do take exception to the final part of this statement that I have highlighted. A person who is in need of transition would not wait for permission to transition. For some transsexuals it is a case of do or die, permission does not even come into it.

Maybe a better way to frame the question would have been "would your SO stick with you through transition?"

Mine has made it clear, she's gone if I go there. And I respect that which is why some of us have...

...chosen to forego transitioning. The value gained for me isn't worth the hardships that it would bring to her and my daughter. To me they take priority over my own happiness.

Not all of us are of the transition-or-die, thank goodness.

[Rogina B]

I agree with Sara Jessica and will add that living under the same roof may often be as good as it gets...and that is in the case of keeping the same occupation and earnings. This is an area which few dreamers think about...

[Sc0rp10N]

I'm with the "no need to transition" group. Don't get me wrong, I think it would be AWESOME to experience actually and completely BEING female for multiple very short bursts of time, but I would never want it permanently. My wife expressed a very quick, short-lived, almost unnoticeable worry that I might want to in one of our very first talks, but I quickly assured her and its never been discussed again. What's funny is, she's just unenthusiastic about everything. Our sex life, our home life, our work life, etc. If I don't DRIVE everything, we would just sit around watching tv ALL the time. Same goes with the cross dressing. If I want to do something CD related, she's cool with it, but she NEVER takes the reigns.

[Beverley Sims]

I may have years ago but I have grown more comfortable with my situation as it is.

Life is good.

[I Am Paula]

My wife and I have stayed together during my transition. The very definition of 'marriage' has changed drastically in this time. We are still very good friends, we go to dinner and movies, shop, even vacation together, and kiss each other good night, before retiring to separate bedrooms.
We have had our share of fights, two big ones being hormones, and recently, my upcoming BA. We somehow get thru it.
Two things that she cannot tolerate- Anyone referring to ours as a same sex marriage, or her being lesbian. Look out!
Does my marriage count as a failure, or a success? Is there such a thing as platonic marriage? Does the world snicker behind our backs, and call us gay?
Don't know...don't care...We are what we ares.

[Eryn]

After we account for the hard core "transition or die" group, there are also many whose gender dysphoria is no less real but who have developed coping strategies that allow them to continue living without transition. That doesn't mean that their lives would not be fuller or more pleasant if their outer selves were better aligned with their inner selves but for the present they do what is best to address both their own needs and those of the people who depend on them.

No situation is static and further down the road transition might become a viable option for them. Or it may not.

[PaulaQ]

@Eryn - I think that many who fall into the latter group, those with less severe GD, would likely transition if society were more accepting, and if transition weren't so incredibly difficult. Right now, it really has to be worth it to you to do it. We can only hope that the world will view us with more compassion in the future.

[Rogina B]

I think that many dreamers tend to forget that their male privilege has gotten them to this point.If they suddenly lost it,I doubt they would still be as happy..

[Jennifer in CO]

Rogina, so true so true. In my 4+ years total living as a woman, I experenced the glass ceiling once when an "underling" was promoted past me. I'm pretty sure it was because I wore a dress and not a suit and tie (full management position that opened up). Way too many times I got the "your a woman, what do you know" look from guys in parts stores, etc.

[mbeth426]

Maybe a better way to frame the question would have been "would your SO stick with you through transition?"

Mine has made it clear, she's gone if I go there. And I respect that which is why some of us have...



Not all of us are of the transition-or-die, thank goodness.

This is what I'm hoping the outcome will be for me and my husband. I want to find some sort of middle ground. I havealways supported his cross dressing from the very beginning. But if he were to fully transition into a woman, I know I can't stay because I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. The dynamic of the relationship would change way too much. But it's even frustrating because I WANT to support him while he's dressed up, I want him to spend time with me, but he's so resistant to it because he feels embarrassed and ashamed. It's like, if he just puts on a skirt or dress it's okay, but once the makeup and wig go on, then he hides in his room! He says he feels like life would just be more "fun" as a girl. How can he consider transitioning if he can't even be dressed up in front of me? It boggles my mind. I don't know how we can find a middle ground or even attempt to compromise if he's so resistant to even being around me while fully dressed. I'd be open to other things that could be done other than a full transition, but things are too confusing now I guess. He just started therapy.

Is there such a thing as platonic marriage?

Yes, I absolutely think there are. I don't think everyone can have one though, I know I can't.

[PaulaQ]

He says he feels like life would just be more "fun" as a girl. How can he consider transitioning if he can't even be dressed up in front of me? It boggles my mind. I don't know how we can find a middle ground or even attempt to compromise if he's so resistant to even being around me while fully dressed. I'd be open to other things that could be done other than a full transition, but things are too confusing now I guess.

He has a pretty unrealistic view of life as a woman. I'm a lot happier as a woman - there's no comparison really. I don't look at myself in the mirror and want to die because of what I see looking back at me any more. That alone is a huge relief. My sex life is a whole lot better and more interesting than it ever was before when I lived as a man. I'd rather die than live as a man again.

Still, transition is not "fun". It's the hardest thing I've ever done. And yeah, if he can't present as a woman in front of you, he has a ways to go before he's ready to transition. If he's embarrassed around you, he's just not ready for the outside world, which is often pretty hostile to us. He could easily lose his entire family, his career, his marriage - just about everything, really. That happens to a lot of us.

This is, of course, over and above the problems women face. Actually, if you are only dealing with the issues women face, you are pretty lucky. If you are read as trans, many people don't really view you as fully human. (Minor example: How many times do strangers ask you about your vagina? I get asked about this all the time.) We face additional discrimination, violence, all sorts of other problems.

Given what you've talked about in other threads, he may really transition. To what extent, who knows? But if he thinks the primary reason for it is "fun", he's really in for a rude awakening.

[kimdl93]

For me one take away is that there are degrees of transition and married transitioners are faced with the complex dynamics of needs and choices, both for us and our partners. There's no single end state. What's right is what works for you and, if possible, for your relationship.

Another take away is hope. Yes, there are plenty of unhappy endings, but it seems there are some good outcomes as well.

[mbeth426]

Given what you've talked about in other threads, he may really transition. To what extent, who knows? But if he thinks the primary reason for it is "fun", he's really in for a rude awakening.

And this is what I fear. That he's going to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know cross dressing is a stress relief and makes you feel good, but I just wonder how much of this is affected by his dad's death. Like maybe, he feels good and less stressed/upset while cross dressing, so sure after he changes, he doesn't feel as good anymore. So I'm feeling what...what if he's taking those feelings too far? Or not even just about his dad dying, but any other problems in life. He is not one to tackle problems head on, if he feels bad or there are problems, he brushes them under the rug and just hopes they got away. The way he has talked about females has always come across more of putting them on a pedestal and idolizing them. Like especially after he said "I think life would be more fun as a girl", it seemed to emphasize that. It just doesn't seem to feel like he wants to do this because he feels like he has the "wrong" body, but just because he thinks being female is "better". Most of the women's clothes he wears at home are not every-day clothes or for public wear. He wears a lot of revealing things or even lingerie so casually. I find that a bit strange, not that it looks bad, but I can't really understand why someone would want to wear such clothing alone shut in their room? He says he was thinking about buying more normal clothing, but hasn't because he thinks I hate when he buys clothes. And this is not true. I don't mind him buying clothes, but for a while it was like he was buying a new outfit every week! That's not healthy for anyone, cross dresser or not. He has way more dresses/skirts than I have now. I get sometimes wearing the same thing can be boring, but you need to set limitations. And he does have some normal clothing now, including women's skinny jeans, but he just doesn't wear them very often.

He has a lot of self identity issues. He told me recently that he forgets he's Asian a lot. Like he just forgets, thinks he's white, and then realizes later "Oh, right, I'm Asian." I'm not really understanding that whole concept, but it furthers his self identity issue. He has told me that he pretends a lot. Just constantly pretending to be other things or be other places while growing up and even now. He said he's very good at pretending and trying to be the person other people want him to be. So this is scary to me too, because how much has he been pretending with me? How much of the person I married is real? I asked him if he was unhappy as a male and he said he "I don't feel unhappy, I feel unhappy when I have to stop being a girl I think". So I asked if he feels unhappy when he's always a guy with me and he said "No but I'm happy I'm with you". The thing is for me, I have never really viewed him as a girl when dressed up. He has always just been my husband in female clothing. His male mannerisms and personality does not change, he's just my husband dressed up. I know he has a female name and presents himself as female online all the time, but if he presents himself differently online while he's dressed up, I certainly have never seen it. So he pretends in his mind, but I don't see it crossing over into reality I guess?

And not sure if I said this before, but he said he feels life is just so much easier when he doesn't think about himself or what he needs/wants. Life was certainly not easy for him (or me) when he struggled with trying to figure out what he wanted and knew he would end up disappointing/hurting me or his parents if he didn't or did marry me. But he made his choice in the end and it was lucky that they didn't disown him or cut him off for marrying me. So maybe he will be lucky again, who knows. I have a feeling it won't be though because his decision to transition would also put stress on his siblings because they'd have to figure out how to explain to their kids what's happening to their uncle. And his mom is sooooooooo judgmental and closed minded and she's alone right now, and his siblings are all feeling that guilt because she's alone, she will manipulate the hell out of them. And of course he knows I'd leave too. I told him I'd go with him to tell his family, because we'd tell them we're separating at the same time, but after that I can't stay.

So, he knows he has to sort everything out within himself to figure out if this is something he can live with, if there are other options to help him cope, or if he is going to be less miserable transitioning while still losing his family, spouse and possibly even more.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

mbeth, After reading your posts here and in your other thread I really feel that SO many other issues need to resolved first before him to even consider transition. Transitioning needs to be done with a clear head and a determined purpose. It is well known that some who wish to live as a woman do so because they believe this would solve many problems. It WON'T. Those who transition do so because it is their core identity. He seems to have many issues including what you describe as finding his identity, grief over the loss of his father, strict family issues, and probably a lot more especially if he feels somehow embarassed with you seeing him dressed. He cannot continue to stuff his feelings and problems and sliding them under the rug. At least you are here expressing your feelings and getting feedback that hopefully helps you to deal with a very tough situation. Your love for him is evident because you are trying to do something about this to either preserve your marriage and your sanity.

Do you know if there are any support groups or clubs in your area where he and even you could attend meetings? If he's willing to even sit and listen? My friend who transitioned and I went to some meetings. I dressed for one. It was a reality check for sure. We've met many who were all along the spectrum. My friend and his wife went to such meetings before they married. He CD'd for a long time with an accepting wife and finally it all boiled over. They loved each other enough where the wife supported "her" all along. "She" got to a suicidal point before everything changed. Today they are very happily married. Of course every wife will react differently.

I probably had a chance to transition in my 30's. But I had a lot to think about. I did make a two-column list to list the advantages and the disadvantages. When I realized how great the disadvantages were, I decided to make the best of everything and find ways of living the best of both worlds. My wife and I are twice your ages and the older we get, the more content we are to enjoy other great areas of our lives. We are financially secure because my career continued and we built up a lot of comfort.

I tend to overcompensate in gratitude for the liberties I have with my wife. i've helped her to be happy in many ways and she has done that in return. We do what we find comfortable for each other. We mostly almost act like sisters!

But all of this came after a long time of settling into the ways of our lives and establishing all of our values. My GID is part of it. I'm happy with the levels and liberties I can have. She knows I don't want to throw away all of the other good things we've established. And she knows that we live without any tension or strain in our relationship. I tend to ramble but what I'm trying to say is you both need time -- LOTS OF IT -- to resolve issues including communication which is a major key.

Cheryl

[Kevyn53]

I've decided that I'm who I am, as I am. My wife the other day asked if I was fed up with living in a really small town and would want to move someplace warmer. She suggested that I could live dressed full time and just adopt the Kevyn identity in our new place. I've done so much to make our house our home that I would hate to leave all that we've put into our hobbit hole. If we ever get fed up with -20 winters, it's a thought!

[mbeth426]

I tend to ramble but what I'm trying to say is you both need time -- LOTS OF IT -- to resolve issues including communication which is a major key.

Oh, totally. I know. It's going to take time. I'm just yearning for the physical affection and the closeness, I miss it. I miss us. So it's more like, how long can I go on without any physical affection from my spouse other than the occasional hug? Not sure when I'll reach my breaking point with that.

[Nigella]

This thread has gone totally off topic and is now done