First of all, I'm not a cross dresser, my husband is. He may even frequent this forum, I'm not sure. I know he belongs to cross dresser communities online, I'm just not sure how many or where they are, etc. But even if he is part of this community, it doesn't matter if he sees this because everything I write here I have talked with him about anyway. I'm sorry, but this is going to be long because there is just so much back story to the current situation.
I'm 30 and he's 26. I've known since the very beginning of our relationship that he enjoyed cross dressing and I am totally okay with it. Maybe for many of you it's different and your SOs are not okay with it and I'm sure it's very painful for you. From what he's told me, I'm rare. But he was also honest with me from the beginning, so if he never told me until after we got married, I think I would be more upset at him lying/hiding it from me but would get over it with time. I actually helped and encouraged him to cross dress in the beginning of our relationship. We've been together for over 7 years, lived together for 3 and September will be one year of marriage. Before we lived together he would only cross dress when he visited me on the weekends. I knew he uses a female name when in his female persona online, but I have never once called him that or referred to him as she, not even when he was in skirts or dresses - he never voiced any problems with this. I used to buy him skirts, dresses and necklaces too. It seemed like it was a sexual thing for him at first because when we did see each other, he would change into panties and a skirt (or some sort of lingerie) and we would have sex.
But after he moved in, he started buying his own clothes and bought a wig and makeup too. He seemed to take it a step further. I was still okay with that. But over time, I noticed he separated the two. He never wore his wig or wore makeup when we had sex - he would just put on a skirt and panties like he always did. The wig and makeup was saved for his own time when he was alone in his room (we have separate rooms because I'm a VERY light sleeper) and talking to his cross dressing friends online. He later told me this was because he was embarrassed to be around me because I'm a real girl? I'm still confused by that.
Then, the sex slowly stopped. I noticed he stopped initiating, it was always me going to him. The last time we had sex was in March I think. The last time we attempted to have sex was in May. This was when he expressed he lost interest in sex and porn completely and he wanted to see a therapist. Okay, I accepted this, he recognizes there's an issue and he wants to do something about it, good. This was definitely surprising because he was always very into sex and porn and had almost every fetish in the book. I was always very vanilla compared to him, but he always reassured me he was not and would not get bored with me. But weeks went by and I heard nothing about the therapist. I was having a hard time coping because I was feeling rejected and my self esteem and confidence were shot. He kept insisting it wasn't me (because he wasn't interested in anyone or anything), but it's really hard not to feel like it's me somewhat, because I am part of that "anyone". Plus, for me sex is the most intimate act and how I feel very close to him. He would not even kiss me more than a peck on the lips because deep kissing always lead to sex in the past. So I just felt us becoming more and more disconnected. I talked with him over and over, telling him how I was feeling, what I wanted, what I needed and he acknowledged it but nothing ever changed.
We went to one therapy session together (which I initiated, he still hadn't contacted a therapist by then). He made appointments with her after that, but he told me very little about what was discussed there. It wasn't until after our initial therapy session that he said he was not just uninterested in sex and porn, but actually disgusted by it. He felt grossed out even just watching plain vanilla sex. He also said when I went to him a couple times asking about if he called a therapist yet, he felt pressured and wanted to do it even less (I only approached him twice within the 2+ weeks since the initial discussion). Of course he never said this to me, the first time he mentioned it was in our first therapy session, so I was frustrated about that. All he kept saying was "I'll handle it" over and over, so I felt completely in the dark, had no idea if there was more going on than what he was telling me, etc. I even remember asking him if he wanted a divorce because I thought maybe he was hoping I would just divorce him over it. So there are definitely communication problems in our relationship.
The big thing behind all of this was that he said a switch was flipped and he has no clue what caused his sudden change of feelings about sex. He said it over and over and I kept trying to talk to him, to get more information from him. I was trying to understand it and wrap my head around it. I also wanted him to show me more affection and I wanted him to desire me again. I have been an emotional wreck because everything I suggested or tried to compromise on he shot down or said he wouldn't want to do it. I even asked once if he would just lay with me while I masturbated, with no pressure for him to do anything, because I didn't want to feel the emptiness of being alone while doing it. But he shot that down too, said he didn't want to see it. At our therapy session he said he was actually fine with never having sex again. This is when the severity of the situation really hit me hard. We were always on the same page about sex and now we are in completely different books. Not once did I ever think this would become an issue for us. I don't even consider myself to have a high libido, we were having sex once a week to once every other week and I was okay with that. But I cannot be happy in a completely sexless marriage and he knows this.
Then last week, after another one of our talks (which is mostly me talking about how I'm feeling), it finally came out. He told me he has been seriously thinking about completely transitioning. This blew me away. We had talked about this earlier in our relationship and he said he thought about it briefly when he was younger, but never really pursued it. He was just fine with cross dressing and never wanted to transition because he liked his penis and enjoyed using it. But now he told me, since he's not using his penis he feels like he might as well just transition completely. I asked him if he felt miserable in his male body and he said no. I asked him if he hated it and he said no. So from what I do know about those who are transgender and want to transition (I do have one friend that is FTM), this didn't make sense because I always thought they had this feeling of being born in the wrong body and feeling miserable in that body and he has never shown any signs of this and told me he does not feel this way. He saw a sex therapist once (he has another appointment next week) and he said he brought it up, but the focus was more on his issues with sex because he said he was there because it was affecting our marriage. So when he said he was thinking about transitioning, it was more in passing and not much was discussed about it. Obviously now he is going to be talking more about it. I'm still not sure if he his feelings are real though. I've always had this impression based on things he's said over the years that he idolizes females, puts them on a pedestal. I don't think that's normally the same feelings those who want to transition have? But it may just be me trying to find ways to make this not real.
However, as I tried to absorb all of this, I realized deep down I do not want a romantic relationship with a woman. If he fully transitioned, I feel like I would watch my husband slowly disappear. Transitioning is not just about changing the physical appearance and the clothes you wear daily. I know that, he knows that. So I have this feeling of if I stay with him, I lose him but if I leave I lose him. And at the same time I hate myself for not being able to fully support him through this. If he goes through with this, I know I cannot stay because I will not be happy. I know the entire dynamic of our relationship would change. But then I feel bad because he most likely won't have anyone to support him while he goes through this. He knows he can't deal with his emotions, so I worry for him because if he can't deal with his emotions now, it's going to be even worse if he starts HRT. He most likely will lose his mom and his oldest brother, which would mean he would lose his nieces as well. I'm not too sure about his other siblings (he is the youngest btw). You see, he is Vietnamese American and his parents gave him a lot of trouble for dating a white girl who also has a chronic illness (I have type 1 diabetes, but it is controlled and after nearly 18 years, still no complications). He was almost disowned over it. He struggled greatly with that over the course of our relationship and we almost didn't get married last year when his oldest brother said he would never approve of our relationship and would not go to the wedding. He actually went to therapy over it a few months before our wedding date (the same therapist he's seeing now - he sees her and a sex therapist right now). He made the final choice to go through it, no matter what happens with his family. Fortunately, his oldest brother did come to the wedding and we've had no issues with his family since then. I guess it was their final attempt to break us up.
Unfortunately though, his father passed away suddenly this past November. His mom seems to tolerate me now because I went to the funeral and cried. Apparently that makes me somewhat of a good person in her eyes. She never gave me a chance before, I had only met his parents twice before the funeral because she wanted nothing to do with me (I still don't really know how his father truly felt - he always just went along with whatever his mom said). So because of how closed minded his mom is, he and I both know she will not accept this. And because she doesn't, his oldest brother will not (doesn't matter how old you are, in his culture you always obey your elders). I know there were even arguments between his oldest brother and his wife because his wife felt they should support us and he felt more obligation to his mother. I am pretty sure his oldest brother lied to their mom about going to our wedding and they all tip toe around her out of guilt.
So after all this, I am in limbo. I am waiting for him to continue therapy to make absolutely sure this is what he wants to do. He has told me more about his feelings when he was younger, how he just stopped thinking about it because he didn't have support or money for it. He said he never thought about it even in our relationship because he presented himself online always as female and that was fulfilling enough for him. Now apparently it's not and that has all changed. But he also discussed about his feelings of mortality and there not being enough time after his father passed. How he has this feeling of needing to do everything he ever wanted to do now because life is short (this also includes making his own game, which he always had sitting on the back burner and worked on at a slow leisurely pace, but now he's putting it on the front burner). So now I feel like maybe he is being really rash about all of this and this is not something he truly wants to commit to. But even then I worry, if he changes his mind now, it doesn't meant it won't come up later. I'm also feeling horrible because I'm staying for the wrong reason - I am staying with the little hope I have that he'll change his mind. I want everything to go back to how it used to be before all of this unraveled so quickly. I know we can stay in therapy and work on the other issues within our relationship. Those started out to be so big and now they seem so minor.
He told me last night he feels like he wishes he had never said anything about wanting to transition, that he would just work on the sex issue and hopefully become okay with not transitioning. But I know that's not right either. I can't ask him not go through with it. He would be suffering in silence. Everything just feels so surreal right now, like a really bad dream I can't wake up from. I don't want to lose him, but I feel like no matter what it's going to happen one way or another. I talked to my sister, so she knows what's going on and I'm most likely going to talk to my parents on Friday about all of this. Because the thought of divorce and separating is so overwhelming too. Unfortunately I don't really have any local friends to help me through this. If we really do divorce, I'm considering moving to San Diego to be near my closest friend so I'd at least have him with me, but then the thought of trying to find a new job and the process of moving across the country is overwhelming too. So many people online have told me that even if we separate, I should still support him as a friend. If we were always just friends, I would totally support him 100%. But because we have been together romantically for over 7 years and he is my husband, I can't just shut off those feelings and stand by him as a "friend only" and watch the love of my life disappear. And I hate feeling like that too.
I have talked to partners of transgender online, but most of them in that community stayed and supported their partners through the process, so it just makes me feel even more guilty for not being able to do that. They also tell me that I should not keep hoping this will go away, that if he feels like this now it's never going to go away and it's very real and it would be the absolutely worst thing for me to ask him not to transition (which deep down I know is true). He and I both feel a lot of guilt right now. I feel guilty for not being able to support him, for not being able to be okay with never having sex again. He feels guilty about not being able to be the husband I married. And even if something happens in therapy and he does change his mind about all of this, there's still the issue of the lack of sex and we could very well end up right back here anyway. And of course it doesn't mean he will never have these feelings of wanting to transition again. After everything that happened with his family, I always had this feeling of "if we got through that, we can get through anything". So now I just feel so naive. We used to be such a great team, and now I feel it all slipping away. I want to stay close to him while he tries to figure this all out, but I'm scared of building myself up only to be re-broken again. But then I selfishly worry that if I distance myself, it will give him more reason to go through with it. I know it's selfish, but as I keep saying, I don't want to lose him.
I guess now, I just want to know if any of you have had the feelings of wanting to transition completely to female? What brought on those feelings? What made them go away? Was it like a switch was flipped, like he says it was for him? Did it affect your interest in sex at all? I just want to hear from other cross dressers too. Right now I hear from my husband and my transgender friend (who also said the transition for female to male is vastly different from male to female), so I just want to hear experiences from other cross dressers too. But I feel like me coming here is also another way of me trying to find reasons that this isn't real again. But last night I read the below on a different forum, so I still keep having this tiny hope that maybe this is what's happening for him, especially since he brought up his feeling like "life is short" after his dad dying and that he has a very difficult time dealing with death and mortality.
"Transvestites generally regard themselves as fundamentally male, and most would be appalled by the idea of actually changing their sex. A few transvestites carry their fantasy 'female self' too far and delude themselves into thinking that they are transsexual. Rigorous psychiatric screening is used before allowing 'sex-change' treatment to minimize the possibility of such people embarking on a course of action that they would come to regret."
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read all of this.
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Originally Posted by Katey888
I'm very much a planner, so having everything open and uncertain is very difficult for me. Last year I had to wait for him to make a decision, he was either going to go through with the marriage or our relationship was going to be over. That was so difficult, but the ball was completely in his court. In this type of situation, it's in his court now, but it will bounce back and forth because it's not so one sided this time. Though my sister said something that was pretty helpful too: "But marriage isn't 100% guaranteed anyway. If you need that to continue, I don't know what to tell you. Hell, you could go through a life change that pushes HIM away. You only can rely on well-informed & discussed plans and gut feelings and love. Successful marriages, as I see it today, are ones that are half hard work and half luck-- luck in that the 2 people grow and follow parallel paths just by chance."
