Mixed Feelings-- Help!

[Jessicaa]

So i'll cut right to the chase, I think i'm having a really big problem with my self identity in direct correlation with cross dressing. Simply put, I am very confused. I feel like one half of me is pulling me towards being feminine and cross dressing etc. While the other side is tugging me back to my masculine side. I just dont know what to do about it.
I have fallen into this vicious cycle where every once in a while ill get the urge to cross dress again and ill go and buy clothes and a wig and makeup and a whole bunch of girly things to fuel this semi-recurring "addiction" but a few months later ill go and purge it all, only to restart cross dressing after im over this purge ( I am lucky enough to live alone, So I have alot more freedom with this compared to someone my age). I really want that to break the cycle but i find it so hard to accept myself for some reason, even though I really do enjoy cross dressing and getting all dressed up and looking like a beautiful girl (at least attempt to lol). So, here I am again. At this weird point in my life where I just don't know what to think of myself as a man or a cross dressing woman. Also i think its taken a while for me to admit this, but I do have homosexual thoughts when im cross dressing, but don't get me wrong i don't solely cross dress for the aspect of sexual activity because I do genuinely enjoy getting dressed up and trying to look pretty. It just exites me to think of doing things with another man while dressed....but i have not thought of the same sex the same way while in guy mode, its very odd to me. This is all very odd to me, i have never felt such strange emotions.

Anyway, I know my thought are all over the place on this thread and im sure I sound like a wreck but if you can help me or offer any kind of advice or even your own past experiences with a situation like im in I would greatly appreciate it....It would mean the world to me.

Thanks,
Jess

[Adriana Moretti]

jess...finding the balance between the two is a good place to start, accepting that you DO crossdress,and it's OK. enjoying BOTH sides of you. Maybe hide your clothes instead of purging all the time, cause as you know...its only going to come back. Have fun with it. Those sexual feelings are also completely normal...you sound like just about EVERYONE here at one time or another. We all have been there.

[Nadya]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I got through phases where I don't want to dress. It may have something to do with your self-acceptance and shame. Before I dated my girlfriend, I had went through a phase where I was lonely and didn't want to dress anymore. I purged hundreds of dollars worth of stuff, all to the thrift store. It worked for me for a while. I thought I could just will my urges away and play it "normal." After about year of dating my girlfriend, the urges started coming back. I tried to ignore it and after struggling with it for a while, I finally started to buy things for myself again behind my girlfriend's back. This was especially tough because we were living together at the time. We ended up going to a gender blender party where the profits supported gay marriage rights. I dressed up and had a wonderful time. It was at that point that I knew that this was a part of me that I couldn't get rid of so I finally told myself that I didn't want to hide it from her anymore. I came out to her and thankfully she accepted me. The shame has become less because I have someone that cares for me regardless of the clothing I'm wearing. The self-acceptance has grown. I'm almost to the point even that I don't care if others have a problem with it (almost). I hope that helps. It's fought going through this on your own. Some it takes a while to find out who you really are. I still do this a little bit. Just know that there are plenty of people here that know what you are going through.

[Tracii G]

Purging is never a good idea if only from the economic side of it.
The urges will not just go away so why fight it?
It took me a few years to find a balance so learn to accept what you do as being a part of your personality.
Its not bad or something to be ashamed of.

[Rachel Morley]

I think it's pretty normal to second guess ourselves. I used to tell myself (before I accepted that I am a CDer and it's ok to want to feel pretty sometimes) that my behavior was not "normal" and that I shouldn't "fan the flames" but then I came to realize that my true happiness came from expressing my feminine side.

Now ok, I know I am one of the rare ones regarding my marriage, but I swore to myself (in the past) that I would never ever tell a living sole because no matter how excepting they might be, they would never totally understand or really know how it was for me, because at the time, I didn't really know for myself. I figured it would be a source of confusion and a "thing" in a marriage that would cause conflict. Well, in my own case I turned out to be totally wrong on that. It's now a cornerstone in our marriage and there is never ever any misunderstandings, but that's only because my wife happens to think it's fun and she thinks I look cute when dressed. We talked for an eternity about it before we got married, and so now I'm totally accepting of myself with no hang ups about being who I am.

Once (if you can) you get to a place where you accept who you are you're CDig will make you happy and fulfilled, not confused. Good luck!

[Cara Lacey]

I used to purge and throw away hundreds of dollars worth of goodies, only to start over a few weeks later. Then I got the idea, when I felt like purging I would box all my things up and mail them back to myself. It would take a week or so, and the urge to purge would be gone.
Plus, it was like getting the best presents in the mail!


Once I hit my thirties, I no longer had the urge to purge nor the shame that I felt after cross dressing. I realized:
A. Its just clothes, and I am not involving anyone else, so what's the harm.
and
B. I am who I am and decided to just enjoy myself.
Life has been real good since then.
Cara

[Donnagirl]

Strange as it may sound, your feelings are normal as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure the greater majority of us here can all equate to some or all of your emotions, I doubt there are but a few who have not purged, tried to stop only to re- commence a short time later.

Purging is expensive!!! Denying the urges are stressful... You need to accept that this is an irremovable part of you. Find the positives. One way may be to find someone to actually talk to, one on one, face to face... That did help me (and the SO) to get a better understanding and understanding = acceptance....

[VickiTheGamer]

Have you looked to see if there are any support groups near you that you can visit. They can really help to at least learn about and discuss the "Purge" which can be both time consuming and expensive (no mind finding that "right outfit" or those shoes that finally fit well).

Vic

[TinaZ]

Jessica, I would venture that most of us have highs and lows, and lots of confusion along the way. You're definitely not alone!

Now, on the lighter side, next time you have the urge to purge, I'll PM you my address. I'll pay for shipping and you can send everything my way. I'll keep it safe until you come to your senses!

[Beverley Sims]

Don't purge, stop thinking deep thoughts, give up self analysis, dress for fun and if possible go out and get a life.

[Katey888]

Bev's reading my mind this morning....

Jess - you're still very young - your life could go in all sorts of directions from here... but the only way to test that is to get out in the world and try different things.. It's probably not always a good thing that you live alone - too much freedom may give a false perspective on what life is about as you mature, as things tend to get a bit more serious and varied...

So don't purge again - but do please get out and get exposed to a bit more varied activities and people... you just might find it helps settle some of your other feelings...

Katey x

[mspaulasue]

All of the emotions you're dealing with are very familiar to most, if not all, of us girls. Take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone! As has been stated already, purging never works. How I wish I had kept every article of women's clothing that I have given to Goodwill over the years. Some of it has come back in style! Support groups and the understanding and advice of a therapist have helped me to come to terms with something I always really knew. You will never be a happy, "complete" human being until you embrace the feminine side of yourself. It feels great once you do.

[emma30]

Hi Jessica, i used to be in your shoes but i decided that i would enjoy both worlds. I am in and will always be in the closet. I dont purge anymore because the feelings come back too often. I love being Emma and she will never leave me. I cherish my family and love being a dad. I too feel attracted to men when im dressed, its natural as i have two personalities one male and one female. My body has to be one or the other and that i wont change because i have accepted my two personas. When i have an emma day like today it turns me into a more accepting man, a more submissive person and less agressive and i look at that as therapy for the man in me. With these thoughts i am complete.
Emmax

[devida]

Hi Jessica, like everyone else I agree the first thing you should do is stop purging. Lots of people with all kinds of different issues do something very similar to purging. Cross dressing can be a kind of obsession and people often deal with obsessions by swearing up and down that they are never ever going to do whatever it is again and, if there's an object involved, they throw out the object. Alcoholics sometimes ceremoniously pour their booze down the sink, shopaholics cut up their credit cards, back when pornography came in magazines people would trash all their magazines...you get the idea. What people doing this don't realize is that behavior like this is addictive. The emotional release that comes with purging, the momentary peace, the belief that you've finally got yourself under control, the beginning of craving, the raging obsession, buying the clothes again, dressing, feeling dejected, guilty and ashamed...every part of this cycle has a strong emotional charge. This emotional charge makes it very much less likely that you will ever be able to control your dressing, if that's what you want to do, and, even worse, it prevents you from looking calmly and compassionately at yourself, giving yourself enough of a break to find out what you really want to do. Also this behavior pattern is transferable. I have known quite a few alcoholics who stopped drinking only to become compulsive gamblers, or over eaters, or sex addicts.

I am not saying that cross dressing is actually like any of these other self harming behaviors. It is not. But the cycle of guilt, purging, craving and surrender to obsession is harmful. Stop doing this to yourself.

[RuthWilson]

You could be describing me Jessica.
I have purged several times and tried to go 'straight'. The Ruth in me comes and goes and just when I think I've got over it, she comes roaring back and can't get in to femme mode 'cos she has nothing to wear. Also, you are brave enough to admit to homosexual feelings.
Right now I am actually thinking of going to a paid TV escort as I can't yet admit to myself any attraction to male males.
It's just a tough life some times.
Keep well, and be safe..Ruth xx

[Jessicaa]

Hello again everyone, Thank you for reading and responding to me! I dont know what shocks me more...the fact that i received so many awesome responses or that a lot of you have been or are currently in the same boat as me. Its nice to feel not alone for once, it took a lot of courage for me to write this down and share it with you all so i think you for respecting that All of your guys advice was very helpful and it was great hearing fresh perspectives about all of this. I am definitely ready to break this cycle of purging and I think all of you are right in saying that purging and self acceptance are the first steps to becoming a better me. its easier said than done but i find comfort in knowing I at least have a support here on the forums. and for that, I thank you all.

[Stephanie47]

I checked your previous posts and I'm guessing you're twenty. You're at an age where you feel conflicted. You're doing something society frowns upon. I think that is the biggest hurdle for anyone person who is trying to figure out where you stand; gay, lesbian, transsexual, cross dresser, etc. This conflict may never go away. When I was twenty there was no material available for me to figure out what the heck I was doing. A virile girl loving guy interested in wearing women's clothing? I thought I was a "queer, a faggot." The term gay was not co opted yet. I knew I loved young women and some older starlets. Conflict. Conflict. Conflict.

Don't try to put yourself into a category. You can be a young guy, who likes to wear women's clothing on occasion. Don't push it. Don't force yourself to act exclusively one way or another. If you feel you don't want to cross dress for awhile, don't. Pack the clothes in a sealed box in the back of a closet. I guess you can throw the out of date cosmetics away.

Be yourself.

[Badwolf]

I've been following this for a few days, but I haven't really had much to say that wasn't said better before.

You came to the right place though for finding support. While I've never really been motivated to purge myself, I have had the nerves quite often.

Keep reading all the definitions of sexuality and sexual expression, and explore who you are, as only you can figure that out. Most of us are doing the same.

Never be ashamed of it, but feel free to make your important life decisions (work, love, etc) just as important if that's the way it works for you.