building on a the wrong block

[GabbiSophia]

Lea's post as humorous as it was is steeped in truth when it comes to not believing others who have walked the path. To be fair though do you blame those who do not? I for one read and understand what those people are saying and I still am fighting tooth and nail. I believe you have to experience in order to believe. Though I just had a meeting with the therapist and she told me I do not know how to be selfish. We had a good talk .. all 2hrs.. sheesh I am long winded. Which brings me

To the point .. I after working out of town came home with the thoughts of transition, not that I was going to do it but that it was going to happen. I was just taking it in as my boy called me dad and we played as a family and I realized that everything I am doing is further strengthening my roots as a male. I realized that this is fake or better yet they are learning me not as or who I am but rather the part I am playing. I see my wife living life and dealing with her husband. I see now that I am playing the part and not moving forward. This is the first time that I have noticed it or felt this way even though I have been told and read about this of a few hundred times.

I see the point that one sees when it makes sense.

I still plan to fight because I do not have a plan to transition today but I have a feeling that the feelings I am having are going to strengthen ... just like I was told they would. I will not admit your right Lea.... (but your right) .. hey it is a journey right?? and if you know the ending and the path then what fun is it??

the more I realize the more I notice depression

[Rogina B]

Please be very careful with your words and actions around your kids if you are truly planning to transition. I have a friend in transition here in NE Florida that is going through hell with her family.The root cause of the problem with her sons[age 19 and 21] is that she had "deceived them" by playing up the macho male role as Dad and encouraging them in their "maleness"...right up until she took steps in her transition.They are really angry.. My friend has told me that in retrospect,she wishes that she had never promoted the sense of maleness that she had because it is history and a memory forever burned into her son's brains...They can not accept that their "male role model Dad" is trying to be a woman,and maybe they never will. Her daughters are more concerned for their kids and don't want them exposed to "Gramp" becoming a "second Grammy"...My friend never let on to her kids ever that she had any feminine leanings,and with a religious wife in denial,she is in a mess...Mostly from deception...And I cast blame that had she not been so private in her thoughts as they were developing,she would have interacted with other Transpersons and learned perhaps what not to do from the mistakes of others..and she could have taken all the time needed[years] to teach her family about acceptance of diversity....Now she is paying the price.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yep...its all so complicated and mixed up..

Gabbi you said you ..."don't know how to be selfish"...this is a problem for many of us... the "type A" ts women don't have this issue...its always "get er done" for them and its a good quality if you want to transition...
I recall my therapist asking me when I can remember asking anyone for help...I laughed...and then couldn't come up with anything... I even tried to do everybody else's work at work (if they worked for me)...this is just something you must get over
and btw I still have issues with this.... transition didn't fix anything in my life except my gender problem.

Here is an analogy that illustrates what Rogina is saying...(...I know TWO 50ish ts people that both waited for their kids to go college...not only did the kids get very upset and focus on the deceit, they ran to their mom and fed the bitterness and betrayal that wives often feel when we transition)....

anyway,,, you are investing more and more in your male life...why?? to fight?? well be careful what you fight for...be careful how much energy you spend fighting because you will need it later..

you are digging a hole... every day you dig deeper.... you know you don't want to dig anymore, but you keep digging...and everytime you look up you are deeper in the hole....one day you will not be able to dig any longer...and when you look up it will be the deepest you have ever been and you will face climbing out of that hole..and you will be more tired than you ever have been...

so what's the good news? well if you buy that, you can first just stop digging...all that means is stop trying so hard to be a guy.. stop fighting and start living... i'm not saying do anything drastic...i'm saying give yourself a break from digging..

in my own world, I spent my entire inner dialog plotting my next feminine expression which was dressing.. over time I started realizing I was sitting differently, I was taking care of my nails...I was LITERALLY plucking one eyebrow a day...I was getting laser on my arms back and chest and it worked really well for me... ultimately I started HRT and it was then that I realized I had already started my transition... I was already digging out of the hole... altho I was still very very deep I was more relaxed and had more energy..

you don't have to transition or decide anything today, but you simply MUST express your female nature in whatever way makes sense for you...you don't have to say anything to anybody except your wife...you may find you are one of the lucky ones and you may have some kind of gender fluid identity that you have not considered.. the only way you will ever get out of the hole is to stop digging and at very minimum look up and come up with some kind of plan to climb out of there...

[GabbiSophia]

Rogina i know you are correct and i have started to stop my "male" push vocabulary with the older one. The younger ones will be fine. My wife is by my side so far and I tell her everything. What i find is THEY are building my male blocks. I am curious as to how to start switching so the is not a backlash from my oldest. He sees what he sees on his own and I am not even trying. I have learned this life well that it is ingrained.

Kaitlyn i am trying not to dig but like I said abovethere are other people digging with me. We all are in it and i am trying how to get myself out and not leave them behind. That is my new goal as i move forward. Also i am trying to express but this has become the hardest thing to do. I did laser 3 weeks ago on my face and I do not even have a black or dark hair ...Tons and tons of blonde though. .. so i am tying to head the words but it is a new and learning experience

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm sure it is a learning experience... if you take it day by day it may help you a lot.

[Rachel Smith]

Gabbi I was told the same thing by 2 out of my 3 therapists about being selfish. My daughter told me the same thing even to go as far as to tell me it's OK to be selfish sometimes. Of course now she won't see me and has cut off contact between my granddaughter and me. Sometimes being selfish doesn't turn out quite the way we had hoped even from those that gave us permission to do so. It's OK though I still feel better and I am much happier and I don't regret my "selfish" decision one iota.

[becky77]

The hole analogy makes a lot of sense and is sadly very, very common. I spoke of a friend in a previous thread with a young family. That friend as a man is outgoing, confident, self assured, sporty, into very masculine interests and generally portrays the man's man kind of image. But inside a storm brews, I can only imagine how massive a contradiction it will be if she ever decided to come out.
I have never been able to hide certain aspects of mine, never been confident always awkward in my own skin, always groomed and not interested in typical manly interests. Many have thought I might be gay, I do think this has made a big difference to how I have been accepted, as most people have not been surprised.
But my friend, I just think her friends and family won't be able to compute the two very different people.
Most of the hardest transitions I have seen are those where either the person has over compensated most of their life, so much so family and friends now see a complete stranger. Or those that just suddenly go fulltime one day without giving anyone time to register the information, "I changed my name i'm Brenda now deal with it" those kind tend to lead lonely, bitter lives where it's everyone elses fault.
If you want your family and friends to stay in your life (be always prepared they may all walk away at any time) then you need to give them time to adapt.
You have known this for years, had therapy. They know nothing and if you are playing the manly guy role, then they are set up for an even bigger fall.
Is it possible to tell them you are having therapy? That you are having some difficulties. Let them in, so they are being prepared that your not quite happy?
Give then time to absorb that something is amiss, they don't have to know what it is just now.
It's like people who overfeed their cats out of love, one day the vet says your cat could die if he doesn't lose weight fast. Suddenly you have to halve his portions overnight. You've gone from a content fat cat to one that is now unhappy and feeling hunger. Now when you bring his food he is pissed off with you and at some point he may go off to look for food elsewhere. When you first recognised the cat was putting on weight, you could have reduced his food down so he wasn't aware. Sometimes we do the wrong things for the right reasons.

[LeaP]

... when it comes to not believing others who have walked the path ... do you blame those who do not? ...

... I realized that everything I am doing is further strengthening my roots as a male. ...

... hey it is a journey right?? and if you know the ending and the path then what fun is it??

the more I realize the more I notice depression

"Blame" is too strong a word. But yes, I do. While there are always differences between us (e.g., between Kathryn and me as it relates to awareness, as pointed up in the thread you referenced), to reject and fight the advice of others on SUCH a well-worn path is poor judgment. At a minimum, take it under strong advisement.

One way I have hurt myself as well as others is by tending to reassure when, in reality, I was not in a position to do so. (This is also an instance in which I was foolish in ignoring advice.) On this path, you cannot promise anything.

The interesting thing about the journey analogy is that the further I go, the more I realize how little it has to do with the end state. In many respects the journey is far more about what you are leaving than where you are going.

Think about that in light of depression for a minute. Most of us start experiencing depression relief as we take steps. That you have not supports your description of trying to hold out. Basically, you're seeing loss potential associated with things you value highly. And by that, I don't mean things like parenthood so much as parenthood AS MALE.

[Marleena]

Gabbi keep working with your therapist and try not to let this consume you. You're young so take your time with decisions. Give the hormones time to work.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I would add one thing
Stop saying you are fighting.

It's a waste of time and energy and it implies that if you transition you "lose" and it will only serve to make you feel worse when you run out room to run.

You are not fighting anyway. You are running away from reality because as of now that reality is too painful to deal with.
It might make you feel better today but it won't tomorrow.

If you think you are fighting "for your family", you are not. Gender dysphoria will bleed into your life regardless of whether your transition

If you try to not transition then your best bet is stop obsessing and whining. Stop the drama and just live your life.
Express your true gender as best you can and then HOPE that there is a part of you that is a man. Hope that in reality yiu are not transsexual and that the intensity of your distress does not get worse. I'm telling you flat out there is nothing you can do to have less distress outside of expressing your femaleness more ...and if you are lucky the distress won't get worse as you live day by day.

If it doesn't get worse it's not because you fought. It's because you are blessed to not be transsexual

[SassySal]

If it doesn't get worse it's not because you fought. It's because you are blessed to not be transsexual

Emphasis added by moi

These words are sad but true.