I am The Exception. Or am I?

[Anne2345]

I was clueless when I first started down this path.

Completely freaking clueless.

Sure, as any reasonable person would do, I did my research, I read all that I could find, I talked to folk, and I did this, that, and the other thing.

Still. At the end of the day, I didn't have a damn clue about crap.

The funny thing is, even though I could see the carnage, see the casualties, and witness with my own eyes the ravages of war in all of its splendid dysphoric glory on the battlefronts, I thought I was special.

I thought I was The Exception.

And everyone's favorite, you have no idea what my life is all about, and here's why I'm the exception!

Yep.

I gotta laugh at this. I gotta laugh at me. And in hindsight, it is funny. Perhaps even precious, in some kind of sweet, innocent, naïve tranny newbie who is finally beginning to open her eyes from a life-long stay within the Matrix kinda way.

I mean, everyone that is anyone here has seen it a gazillion-million times over. I can picture it all quite easily, in fact: "Awwwwww! Look at the cute widdle baby twanny that thinks she knows better than all the west of us!! Isn't she just darling and the cutest li'l thing you've ever seen?!"

Double yep. Perhaps even triple yep.

As in yep, yep, and yep.

And just for good measure, lemme throw in a good "yup," as well. You know, for the sake of posterity and all.

Anyways, that was waaaaaaaaaay back in the day for me. Ancient history, no less. Or at least, it seems as if it's ancient history to me.

Regardless, flash forward to the here and now, many battle scars and war injuries later, I know different.

Oh how I know different!

I ain't The Exception.

Nope. Not me.

What's more is that I also know that none of you are The Exception, either.

Despite whatever color you believe the sky to be in your world, you're no different than me, you're no different than any who has preceded me, or you're no different than any who shall come after me.

It took me a long time to figure this out. Yeah, many of you tried to tell me. Many of you warned me. Many of you told me The Truth.

That was all fine and well and junk, and I did appreciate the effort y'all put into trying to pry my eyes open, but I was one stubborn ass chica. I had to learn this for myself. But really, isn't that true for almost all of us here? At least, on this front?

True, there are a small number of exceptions roaming the halls here. Less than a hand full, I would estimate. And perhaps just enough to give those like me hope that I, too, could be The Exception.

Except the thing about being an exception is that such slots are far and few in between. Otherwise, it wouldn't be much of an exception, would it?

Don't believe me? Then check out the definition of the word "exception" in the dictionary. Google it. Do whatever. Because the overwhelming chances are that you are not an exception, just as I am not.

But that's okay! Yeah, it can really, really, really, really suck, but it's not the death sentence that I once thought it was.

I mean, I thought I couldn't survive this if my life fell completely apart. I thought I couldn't make it if my ship started to sink. I thought a great deal many negative things, all of which were rooted deeply in much fear. A fear which, btw, I had to overcome before I could truly begin to move forward in earnest.

Here I sit, though, still plugging away, doing my thing, and trudging on.

I have lost damn near all of my friends, my marriage is a complete f'ing train wreck that is doomed to failure, my family thinks I am stark raving loony tunes, my career is missing-in-action, and I have no idea how I am going to make my future work.

I am not The Exception.

This stuff happens, and it happens everyday. Nothing quite like a day in the life of a transitioning tranny, huh?

Either way, though, the fact of the matter is that being the norm is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. It's simply a thing.

And like most everything else in life, it's what we make out of this thing that, at least in part, defines us and whatever meaning we may attribute to it.

For me, there is no other way, and I am willing to pay the price, whatever that may be.

I shall do so, though, not out of fear, not out of despair, or not out of some kind of twisted sense of misdirected self-loathing or anything, but rather, I shall do so in hope for a more authentic and real life. And I shall do so because I am really beginning to love myself for the first time in my life, and in a way that I never thought was possible before.

This stuff is hard, though. Really, really hard, and I would not wish this crap on anyone.

Even though I am not The Exception, I now know it to be doable. Doable because it's the right thing for me to do, and because there is no other way.

I am good with this. As good with it as one can be, I suppose, for not being The Exception.

Writing this post, it's kinda weird, almost like I kinda feel as if I should be sitting in a metal folding back chair within a circle of folk sitting in similar chairs, each of whom have a story to tell. Not that I haven't done exactly that a million times before, but still . . . .

Hello. My name is Anne Kelly, and I am the norm. :-P

[Carlene]

Thank you Anne. Through all of your mis-adventures you still manage to provide a ray of hope to others.

Carlene...

[LeaP]

I *told* you there was nothing exceptional about you! (Except your height, but I digress ...)

You made a perverse point - that it's odd that those who so wish to be normal also want to the exception! I get it, but still ...

I am also not The Exception. That's OK. Life long ago taught me where I add planetary incremental value and where I do not. I have to tell you that there is precious little in the former category. There are some more-or-less common variations, such as life-long awareness vs suppression, but these have little impact on either psychological state or consequences, as Kaitlyn so capably pointed out.

"Hi. I'm Lea, and I need a drink ..."

[Frances]

As someone who was the target of your anger a few times, I am not suprised. Yup, you are not different. Not even the angry thing. Melissa got upset at me a few times, and switched positions later on. Going through transition is very similar to going through adolescence... again. This includes being emotional, refusing to believe other people's experience, and assuming that everyone is wrong.

Welcome to your trans-maturation.

[GabbiSophia]

You know .. Lea has said this also now and it doesn't matter who says it ..it doesn't make it any easier. Hell not one bit easier and the fact that yall say it makes me want to fight harder. I am fighting without even putting a ton of effort. I will exhaust myself to try and be the exception... and in the end post my post just like this...i hope not but what i "want" seems to not matter to the dysphoria anymore...and that makes me angry...

so i am glad that your normal... i don't want to be

though I am glad you have found some peace... that would be nice

[LeaP]

No. It doesn't make it easier. If you are TS, it's because your fundamental identity is seriously out of whack with the real-world persona you have built. It has a reality of its own. People don't change overnight. It's why we talk about discovery, emergence, then integration (first psychological, then social).

Oh, and Anne, I was massively clueless as well.

Great response,Frances.

[GabbiSophia]

Ok so we agree that we are all the same but different and that those who have come before us were correct. We also can say that those before us warned us.

So how then do yall propose that you mentally just let go and heed the words of those that came before you or us?

Is it not natural to question everything?


I ask because I find myself at this point, at the crossroad per say. Now i get and have been told that i will "know". That's not the point I am talking about. The one where you say "naaaa a Lea is crazy i am not like that", even though you know it's true. How do you let go of the rope and fall?

[LeaP]

So how then do yall propose that you mentally just let go and heed the words of those that came before you or us?

Is it not natural to question everything?

it is natural until it is not. I know that may sound a little ridiculous, but what that is about is finally having it dawn on you that you can't reason your way though this. You are trying to reason something down that can't be rationalized. This kind of questioning is symptomatic of trying to maintain control. You want to control what and where you are as well as what and where you are going, preferably before you get there. Gender identity isn't a matter of reason and, frankly, neither is what you do about it beyond a certain intensity level.

[Anne2345]

@Caroline - Yep. You pegged it. You nailed me. And you are right. I do really appreciate your understanding. Also, thank you for being there. Even through all of the BS, thank you.

So how then do yall propose that you mentally just let go and heed the words of those that came before you or us?

Is it not natural to question everything?

I ask because I find myself at this point, at the crossroad per say. Now i get and have been told that i will "know". That's not the point I am talking about. The one where you say "naaaa a Lea is crazy i am not like that", even though you know it's true. How do you let go of the rope and fall?

All of your questions and concerns are valid and legitimate. As many have said here in the past, this is a process. And like any other meaningful process, it takes much work, time, and dedication to figure things out and move forward. It also takes a freaking giant leap of faith that you are not wrong about yourself. Lol. Of course, you've been around here awhile, so these are all things you already know.

For some reason, though, I have been in a Matrix-y kind of mood the past week or so, and your post presents the perfect opportunity to offer some of the gospel and wisdom of The Matrix. Copied and pasted directly from the interwebs themselves even. Interestingly enough, Lana Wachowski (a co-director of the movie along with her brother) is trans. Regardless, I do not think it taxes the imagination too much to see the metaphors here . . . .


Neo: What is the Matrix?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

*******

Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Neo: You could say that.

Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Why not?

Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo: The Matrix.

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?

Neo: Yes.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind.

********

Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.

Morpheus: Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.



So, now that I have significantly upped the cheese factor by citing movie quotes (and probably stripping away what little, if any, remaining credibility I may have on this forum in so doing), I shall attempt to move on from here with absolutely no sense of grace, style, or dignity whatsoever . . . .

You know .. Lea has said this also now and it doesn't matter who says it ..it doesn't make it any easier. Hell not one bit easier and the fact that yall say it makes me want to fight harder. I am fighting without even putting a ton of effort. I will exhaust myself to try and be the exception... and in the end post my post just like this...i hope not but what i "want" seems to not matter to the dysphoria anymore...and that makes me angry...

Yep. Totally been there, done that. I so know your pain. I know your frustration. I know your anger. I know your defiance. And I definitely know your fight. For sure, and all too well. But so do many others here.

So fwiw, I get it. I understand it. And know that I hated every freaking minute of it, and I hated myself for all of it.

Going through this, going through the intensity of full-blown GD has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

But in the end, even though I still have much to do, the fight wasn't worth it. The fight damn near got the best of me. And knowing what it did to me - what I did and almost did to myself - I cannot ever, ever go back to those dark days again. I just can't, and I won't. I would rather you just shoot me in the head right now and put me out of my misery than to go back to who I was before. It's a non-option. It's untenable in the extreme. Thankfully, it's also a non-issue. But still, my point remains the same . . . .

[PretzelGirl]

None of us our exceptions. But we are exceptional. You have to believe that to love yourself. And isn't that the goal?

[SassySal]

"For me, there is no other way, and I am willing to pay the price, whatever that may be.

I shall do so, though, not out of fear, not out of despair, or not out of some kind of twisted sense of misdirected self-loathing or anything, but rather, I shall do so in hope for a more authentic and real life. And I shall do so because I am really beginning to love myself for the first time in my life, and in a way that I never thought was possible before.

This stuff is hard, though. Really, really hard, and I would not wish this crap on anyone.

Even though I am not The Exception, I now know it to be doable. Doable because it's the right thing for me to do, and because there is no other way. "

This is where you begin.

[Anne2345]

None of us our exceptions. But we are exceptional. You have to believe that to love yourself. And isn't that the goal?

Yes. Yes it is the goal.

A very dear friend of mine wrote to me earlier in the year the following:

Transitioning is the process of falling in love with yourself but it must be done in the right way and for the right reasons.

Although I knew these words to be true, and I had already begun to experience and begin the process of falling in love with myself, I had not been able to adequately articulate to myself or others exactly what it was that was going on in me.

But this was it. This was exactly it.

My friend's words, as simply presented as they are, are quite amazingly powerful and profound. I have kept her words in the forefront of my thoughts ever since, and shall not forget them . . . .

[GabbiSophia]

So then don't get mad when someone is fighting tooth and nail. I alos have come to the realization that i am fighting nature itself. This also doesn't make it any easier. I guess I am normal too...and i have have been drinking...it doesn't help either... i am to the point where I realize everything I am doing is just adding to my male built life.


So with that said what comes next? Not as a warning but as a guideline to what yall have experienced especially since it's fresh in yalls minds. Though we may not except it...lol

[I Am Paula]

Saying there are no exceptions (or Few) is kinda broad. Without using the word exception, cause it's almost stigmatic, let's say some people have a harder time than others, and it seems rare when a person's transition is smooth sailing.
Other than some physical finishing touches, my transition is done. Yet somehow-
-My house is just where I left it.
-I tried to retire, but business is booming, and I hate turning down clients.
-Still married.
-Bank acct. still active.
-All friends (barring one) still with me.
-I am NOT the neighborhood pariah.
-I am not the target of bigotry, hate, and violence. (I do use common sense tho', they are out there.)
-Family loves the new me, and says that I used to be very distant.

I do not consider myself the exception. I looked at transition logically, and said 'Git er done', and did.

[Anne2345]

So then don't get mad when someone is fighting tooth and nail.

If you have taken anything I have written to be a show of anger at you, I apologize. That was not my intent. Not one bit.

and i have have been drinking...it doesn't help either...

No, it doesn't help. Not at all. And this is something I know lots about. All of it based on personal alcohol abuse experience. Except that you at least recognize now that it doesn't help. So you are already much farther ahead in the game than I was when I was where you currently are. It took me really until this year to figure out and understand just how detrimental to the process alcohol can be. It can undermine everything. And for me, I couldn't see that until I removed it from the equation.

I do not consider myself the exception. I looked at transition logically, and said 'Git er done', and did.

That is awesome for you, Paula. I couldn't be happier for you. I suppose my mistake this entire time has been my complete and total failure to look at this logically and adopt a "git er done" philosophy. Hmmm. Totally my bad. Drats.

[I Am Paula]

That is awesome for you, Paula. I couldn't be happier for you. I suppose my mistake this entire time has been my complete and total failure to look at this logically and adopt a "git er done" philosophy. Hmmm. Totally my bad. Drats.

Sorry, sarcasm is my middle name too. Perhaps I didn't phrase it too well. In a nutshell, everybody's transition is different. That is all. There are no exceptions, just differences. Not everybody's transition leaves a wake of destruction, and despair. I see all too often (and perhaps rightly) about how awful transition is, and I was trying to point out that there are easy ones. I DID look at transition logically, and as a timeline, and approach it as a task. Whatever your approach, it is equally valid.

[GabbiSophia]

Anne i wasn't saying that to you.i was making general statement to those that get mad at those who fight. I have enjoyed this thread and it fits me.

puala that's awesome that it has gone well

[Valerie]

Exceptionally powerful and moving writing, Anne2345 and I Am Paula. Thanks to you both!

[LeaP]

....i was making general statement to those that get mad at those who fight. ...

Who? When? What I have seen, over and over again, is people taking exception to responses they get. That is, those with an issue getting angry at those responding. I can't readily recall an angry TS response along your lines (and I'm not going there as regards others). It is common for people to explode at the advice they get and to project that into something about the advice-giver. I've done it (and been on the receiving end.) Anne acknowledged it in this thread.

You can't simply stop fighting and there is no wand to wave to make it so. Even so, it ends for most. It's not sustainable.

As for the future, though the identity fight will hopefully end, that's not the end for GD. Far from it, unfortunately. It may change character and crop up in unexpected ways. Although not GD per se, other things may become more obvious. Many of us find ourselves facing the depths of our own transphobia, for example. If you suffer depression, it might recur, but with different patterns and triggers. You may discover hypocrisies and contradictions that are uncomfortable. And as you face yourself squarely, you are going to find truth in some of the accusations that people fling at you.

Even further out, I've found that, as I feel more and more normal, the sense of discovery, newness, and ultimately, "trans-ness" dissipates. The lines between decisions and simply living, between need and want, become blurrier. You can think GD gone ... until you try jumping off the path. If you are very lucky indeed, you may find a stopping point where you can live happily ever after. Hop off when that's not the case and you'll find out just how quickly and ferociously things can go South again. The meaning of having to transition or being driven to it assumes different faces over time.

[Kimberly Kael]

In some respects we're all exceptional and in others none of us are because transsexualism covers a wide range of experiences like just about every descriptive phrase. We are not all fated to make the same mistakes nor to face identical obstacles. It is important to listen to the experiences of others but it's equally important to find our own way. I think there's value in aiming for extraordinary so long as you accept that it's going to take preparation and hard work and that no outcome is ever guaranteed.

[stefan37]

Exactly Lea. Once I was able to accept myself, I allowed her to emerge. Yes there are setbacks, but as long as the course is stayed it is bearable. Moving forward is the only way I've found to keep the GD at bay.

As Paula mentioned we all transition with different challenge, losses. My business so far has experienced tremendous success since I have come out. My clients, employees, family, friends are accepting. I have lost my marriage, however we will remain friends and business partners.

I also face challenges others may not . And others face challenge do not. We all have our own specific challenges to face. As Sue stated "we are exceptional, not the exception".

I can only offer my experience as advice. The challenge I encountered and my response to them.

[Kathryn Martin]

I am not The Exception.

Hello. My name is Anne Kelly, and I am the norm. :-P

After you have heard all the stories, after the circle around the fire is done and the chairs have been folded up, after everyone has gone back to their life you realize, where it counts, everyone tells the same story. Whether you struggle or you struggle it is still a struggle, and what flavor it has is irrelevant. Whether you succeed or not the fears before you start are all the same. It is like the fear of the goalie before the penalty kick.

Our experiences are the same too where it counts. People always tell me that I cannot project from one to another, yet I listen to everyone over and over and over again and are always left with the question: "how are you different?"

I don't take exception to being told that I don't understand, or that I am mean or that my speaker says they are exceptional. I just smile and alas, carve another notch into the door post for the 287th time I have heard the same story. It's like collecting grief.......

And I am Kathryn and I am the norm....

[Rachel Smith]

I am not the exception either and have the battle scars to prove it. I too asked the advice of those that had tread this sometimes troublesome yet liberating path before me. The only thing I will say is I took the advice of those willing to share their experience with a new whittle twanny baby to heart. Why would you inquire of their knowledge if you are not going to heed their wisdom? Heeding this advice did not make my transition easy but it did make it much less difficult. They, the ladies here, prepared me in a way that I didn't get from any of my 3 therapists. However, many of the comments were fodder for some great soul searching and discussing what may or may not happen and how both I and they thought the best way to deal with some of the situations before they arose. No matter what came good or bad I was prepared. When I stumbled or felt like giving up they were always here to let me bend their ears, cry on their shoulders, or celebrate another milestone on my path, well to me they were milestones, lol.

Take a small step if or when you feel better take another, feel better take another and continue down the path until you have found YOUR happy place as I have found mine. Don't wait until you have fewer tomorrows then you have yesterdays as I did. Stop the fight and internal struggle and set yourself free.

Hugs
Rachel

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, you are my new goal. I love it!

[becky77]

I love the Matrix quote.

Another interesting thread! Each time I read one of these I learn a little more.

Can I ask, what is the exception? It's not a concept I have ever considered before.

So how then do yall propose that you mentally just let go and heed the words of those that came before you or us?

Is it not natural to question everything?

I think you misunderstand Gabbi, it's not heeding their words, you still appear to be waiting for some defining speech that will light your way.
You need to accept yourself first, only you can do this and no one can help you. If you get past that point then you will begin to not heed, but understand the wisdom that has been gained from experience. 'Learning to love yourself' isn't some thrown out statement, nor is it an instruction. It's a development from hard work, guts, self acceptance and time spent. I'm starting to understand the meaning as I feel for the first time, a chance that this can happen. There are times when i'm happy in myself and despite everything I can see this getting better over time. In my limited experience the more you let your true self grow and just be, the better it all gets.
What's worse a life with little in it where you feel happy in yourself, or a life with ample in it but inside you are miserable.

Moving forward is the only way I've found to keep the GD at bay.

Another comment that only becomes understandable when you act upon it.

You can't teach someone to drive a car until they actually get behind the wheel, standing by the car and asking for instruction or too scared to get in achieves nothing. All the theory still doesn't teach you how to drive a car.

My life changed the day I accepted who and what I was and that there was nothing wrong with me for being this way. Before then I didn't want to listen, even to myself.