Although very much received as male by my family and friends I've always been considered a bit of a girl.

My family teased me, in jest never serious, as a kid, my brothers and sisters would call me by the girl version of my given name, not that i minded too much. It was a kind of running thing with friends i grew up with, they'd call me a girl in certain situations, i was closer to the girls in our group etc ... but always held back and never let my full self show through. I told the odd few about my CDing but wasn't really that well received. I grew up, met a girl. Continued CDing in secret occasionally approaching the subject, trying to get close and show the real me however when i did...well, lets just say it didn't work.

After many years that ended, before i was 30.

Strangely I haven't dressed much since, although i took a different approach. Rather than outright saying I am female! I decided to just stop trying to fit into any specific role and just be myself, just be natural, say what i want to say in the way i want to say it, do, act, sit, walk, talk, BE who I am. And for a time that was good.

Now i feel its not enough. Yes i portray myself naturally but i'm still cursed with a body coursing with testosterone, which is perceived everyday as male, albeit a bit of a girly one. I'm depressed, my work is suffering as i sit here sometimes with tons of things to do just thinking whats the point?. I need to take this further. so my step was to talk to family and friends.

Not going in full steam i have Indirectly tested the water with friends and family. I've sometimes steered conversations on the subject of sex or gender to a more serious debate to get their true view on the matter but each time has been met with views i would not have expected, especially from people who are so accepting of other things and also the same people that say things like "be who you want to be" "do what you want" etc. But i've discovered that when it comes down to it that they mean "do what you want, be who you are...but i have a few exceptions"

So basically to take this further at some point i am going to have to say goodbye to all of my family and friends, there is no way i am going to be 100% accepted and i have come to terms with that. Which wherein lays the problem.

Friends come and go, i know this, even tho i have some real close friends i can only say there will be one couple who would be fine...ish..at a long shot.

The problem is I love my family too much to lose them but they are such different people that if i told them then i would be ostracised anyway. So my options seem like this

A. Tell nobody and continue on, gradually becoming more femme/ambiguous anyway as i grow older.

B. Tell nobody, take hormones in secret and disappear to start a new life when i'm ready (altho the how financially and logistically still evades me)

WTF WORLD!!