Trying to live with this

[Rachael Leigh]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?
As I went through my purge I really wanted it to never be a part of me again I really wanted to show myself I could be a man without this other self, love my wife and make her as happy as she deserves.
Then it came back quicker than I expected but it came back.
I'm working much harder though to not allow this part of me to consume me the way it did before and Im still having trouble balancing that
I do want my wife happy I know she deserves it and Im not saying I should be unhappy but how can one balance such a difficult problem with one SO
Thanks for putting up with me
Leigh

[DonnaT]

Balance comes with compromise as well as sacrifice.

Not all marriages are a happy ever after fairy tell.

Just remember, although your wife didn't ask for this, neither did you.

[Teresa]

Leigh,
It's only hit me that Cding is for life since joining the forum. I've managed to put that over to my wife in one of our talks, it's hard to say how happy she is about it ! I'm still trying to lay all my cards on the table so we can be honest with each other, but at the same time I don't want to upset her .

[Julie Denier]

Oh, lord, life would be SO much simpler if I wasn't a crossdresser, especially since family circumstances dictate I keep it on the down low. It's certainly not a factory option I would have chosen for myself. I cope the best I can to satisfy my need to dress.

[NicoleScott]

It's not going away. You can wish for a cure but you won't get one, and in itself is an admission that something's wrong that needs fixing.
Many people find balance with far worse situations. We can CHOOSE to wallow in regret or make the best of the cards we were dealt.
If something is fixable, fix it. If it's not, don't worry about it.

[Katey888]

Leigh - first up, don't feel bad about coming back here to rant and vent - you do as much as you want or need...

God only knows that the recognition of this condition is both a blessing and a curse - this isn't just 'giving up' something; this would be like carving ten pounds of living flesh from somewhere on your body - and then finding out, actually, it's so integrated with one's soul and psyche, you can't eradicate it without damaging the personality itself.

I can't offer any wonderful advice to make this any better for you - I wish I could. I do wonder if I was in the same position whether I'd actually want to come back to this place, and I suspect not... but I can see that for others and probably you it is beneficial. There are just some things that we're helpless to affect however hard we try... All I can suggest is that you keep talking - at some point something may just trigger a tiny piece of understanding that will help...

Be calm - Be well...

Katey x

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Oh, lord, life would be SO much simpler if I wasn't a crossdresser, especially since family circumstances dictate I keep it on the down low. It's certainly not a factory option I would have chosen for myself. I cope the best I can to satisfy my need to dress.

Julie, I feel exactly the same way. While I enjoy much of it, if I had a choice I would opt out.

[Christen]

Leigh, I'm going to say what Katey said.

I can only think that for a while you are going to have to be the busiest person in the world and even then you're going to be dealing with the thoughts.

Take care,
Christen x

[Valerie]

I am gifted with being both masculine and feminine, it is one of my talents. Not always comfortable in our society, but this is who I am.
As if if I were too tall, or had excessive energy--I would not cut my legs of smother myself with purple pills.
I can't slice part of me, and a valuable part, away.
I welcome now who I am.
Admiring many of you, reading what you write, has helped get me here, from lost and lonely to belonging to a great community.

[Allison Chaynes]

I used to wish it would go away, but I've been seeing a new therapist about other issues and CDing came up. Apparently it's the one thing making me feel good about myself lately. I sympathize for you with the marital conflict it creates. I wish I could magically make my wife be 100% on board with who I am, but that's a pipe dream. It comes down to what compromises you can make together and live with.

[kimdl93]

wishing isn't going to get anyone anywhere. And while we might like to tell each other that it is sufficient just to "man up" (an expression I particularly dislike) that's about as useful as telling one of us to stop eating till you're no longer hunger or hold your breath until you no longer desire to breath. So, what then is the practical recourse? Well, there are a lot of alternatives. If you are seeking a balance, communicate with your partner to figure out what sort of "balance" might work. If communication is difficult, then work on improving communications. If your partner's attitudes are particularly rigid, well, good luck with that. In a sense, what I'm saying is you, each of us, needs to find the best alternative within our present reality, make whatever changes are possible and then reassess again. Life isn't static. We have to adapt to the circumstances, and do what we can to shape our circumstances.

Does that mean we will be totally happy, totally accepted, completely free...not necessarily, but at least you'll know you've tried.

[LelaK]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?

I only regret that I'm not as feminine as I could be. I only want a cure for the limitations that prevent me from being my ideal feminine self. However, it's not my main interest in life, just a side interest that I wouldn't want to do without, like breathing.

I'm working much harder though to not allow this part of me to consume me the way it did before and Im still having trouble balancing that []

Luckily, I've never been obsessed or consumed by my urges. Sounds like you experience a little more ecstatic happiness than you can stand en femme. It will probably calm down before long without needing to worry about it.

[Princess Grandpa]

It was only last year that I came to understand I am a cross dresser. I am at peace with myself over this. I made a conscious choice to embrace this part of me. Having an accepting, supportive, encouraging spouse it might not have been so easy to find peace so easily. I have thought about this question recently. If I could magically quit would I? I really don't know what I would do. Honestly I am happier today than maybe any other time in my life.

Hug
Rita

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leigh, Crossdressing is like the Mafia , You just can't quit.

[MelanieAnne]

I never wanted to be "cured"! I consider the crossdressing a blessing. It's like having two lives and two personalities. When I'm all shaved, and dressed and out walking, and enjoying the evening, I often wonder how many guys are sitting in some smokey bar, buying drinks for some woman, and hoping to get lucky.

[sometimes_miss]

How many of us out there after we finally figure out that this part of ourselves is not going away live to regret that? Do you wish there was a cure or something else that could keep you from being this person?

I knew it wasn't going away a very long time ago, but didn't feel the regret until I knew how many women don't want to date us. I really used to believe that it wasn't a big deal, that all the other good things about me would simply outweigh this 'little' gender thing. It wasn't until after my divorce that I came to realize how much this GID really screws up all the dynamics of attraction when it comes to how women feel about us, and then, that there was really nothing I could do about it. Crossdressing is the giant gorilla in the room that it seems very, very few women can ignore.
Edit. It's not a giant gorilla. It's King Kong.

[Badwolf]

I've always been very self driven, so for me I came to accept this was part of me from a young age. Exactly what it is for me is still a bit in development, but that's just fine.

My biggest regrets come from not having taken care of my skin and a few other things better, not growing my hair out sooner, and that I can't do more to change the world to make this much more acceptable.

[LelaK]

My biggest regrets [] and that I can't do more to change the world to make this much more acceptable.

We need to start or join a campaign to persuade women that CDs can be great companions or friends with benefits etc.

[Badwolf]

I'm hoping to see something like that. With Andre Pejic and other famous girlier men being in the public eye, it might not be too far off.

We need to start or join a campaign to persuade women that CDs can be great companions or friends with benefits etc.

[Confucius]

I suppose you are asking, "How can I have a happy wife and family, while cross-dressing, sometimes."

Well, there really isn't a cure, but you can live a happy, productive, fulfilling life while still having a cross-dressing condition. Here are a few suggestions that you may find helpful:
1. Communicate with your wife: Yes, she needs to know, otherwise she will feel deceived. She is your wife, and needs to know. Let her know that you struggle with this, and you have always thought that you could make it go away by force of will and self-control, but it won't go away.
2. Understand your wife's needs: Most women need to feel held and loved by a man. Most women need to feel secure and protected by a man. Women need to love a man they can respect and honor. You are her man.
3. Be willing to compromise: Every wife will respond differently to a cross-dressing partner. You need to understand the limits of her tolerance. Tell her that she can set the boundaries and you will do your best to live within her boundaries. She also needs to understand that you have tried to make it go away, and this is something that can't go away. She needs to understand that this makes you happy. You both have needs and you need to compromise to make your marriage work.
4. Value your male virtues: Most cross-dresser suffer from some degree of of female envy. We think that females are the lucky ones and we relish what they have. Relish what is good about manliness; Strength, courage, protecting those who are weaker than us, defending our communities, sacrificing ourselves for the love of our families, and teaching our sons to be self-sufficient, confident, and form bonds with those who share our values. The world needs more good men.
5. Recognize Misandry: Most cross-dressers have problems accepting themselves, and suffer from a low self esteem. However, hatred of men (misandry) is socially acceptable. Popular culture portrays husbands as being inept, stupid, and flawed. Whenever there is a media show where men compete against women, the women win.. 100% of the time. Evil is personified as male. The press constantly tries to give young women more self-esteem. What about saying a few words of encouragement to males with poor self-esteem?

Most likely your brain is hard-wired for cross-dressing. The neural connections just interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a woman, and it releases appropriate neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.), and these neurotransmitters are responsible for the sensations of well-being, pleasure, gratification and bonding that make us feel happy. You cannot stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters. However, you can still keep this under control, limited, and within your own self imposed boundaries. Many men before you have been cross-dressers and have succeeded in living productive, and happy married lives.

[Wildaboutheels]

Unless you are the rare exception, You are ADDICTED to it due to the release of all those chemicals all those times as a teenager. The SAME thing that happens with cigarettes, alcohol or all kinds of other drugs. Your Brain releases CHEMICALS to REinforce the behavior/consumption.

CDing as an addiction seems to be worst for those with SOs. Very rare is the GG who is going to be able to understand the VISUAL thing.

Many people have beaten all kinds of addictions but they are normally the ones that cause bodily harm and/or are illegal. CDing is neither of those.

[Cheryl T]

I'm happy being me. I was always miserable trying to hide this, trying to deny that part of me that gives me so many worthwhile facets.
Once I accepted myself and realized that this is who I am I began to truly be happy.

[Maria 60]

Well I believe we can't quit it but I think that we can control it. I feel as if it's in our blood, that's why it's so hard to stop. I really care and love my wife and through our thirty year of marriage we always found a way that we can both be happy, it's not only the dressing. For example, my wife loves to travel, I am more of a constructive person I could relax for a few days but that's about it, but I am getting better. She would love to go for two weeks but she knows how I am and will settle for one, and in return I respect her for that and I will be just as generous with something else. Its like a win, win situation you don't totally get what you want, but you do get something, which is better then nothing.

[Jacqueline Ersatz]

There are things we can change and we do in life. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and say I didn't ask to be born this way. Next thing you know, back to dressing again

[Eryn]

Accepting who you are does not exclude a desire to be different.