Beware What You Wish For

[StephanieC]

In 2010, I stood in front of the Trevi Fountains and wished the next time I was there I'd be fully transitioned. Many times, I've wondered about starting over again. I may have that chance.

Today, I received a job offer on the west coast, relocating me halfway across the continent. I alone would move. It would mean moving away from friends and family. And the climate (and culture) would be quite different.

On one hand, I am excited: I have a chance to be who I want to be without any history, without preconceptions. No one will be be seeing someone who "has changed".

On the other hand, I am fearful. In part because I have (at least the illusion of) security. People accept me here, both in and without the LBGT community. I think I understand what I should fear and what I should not.

I am conflicted because I know a choice into the unknown may finally set me free but that also means I can never come back.

I have 11 days to decide.

If you had such a choice, what would be your reasoning?

[STACY B]

-------------------------------------------- SLAM-------------------------CRANK--CRANK--------------ZOOM----------SEE YAAAAAAAAA

Hows that for an answer ?

[Rachel Smith]

Hey Stacy wait for me!

I can understand your dilemma though Steph. Leaving a familiar place for parts unknown is always difficult but hasn't each one of us already done that?

[samantha rogers]

I expect that is a very hard choice, Stephanie. As appealing as it would be to have that clean start, abandoning the support of those who know you and the familiarity of home must be difficult, too. I can't honestly answer. I hope you find the right answer for you. That, of course, is all that really matters.

[PretzelGirl]

Hmmm variables. If you don't have a job, having a job is big.

Then between pure stealth and being around the people you love and who support you? It would depend on what is important. I myself would stay with those I love. Stealth has a nice ring to it, but there never is total stealth. And stealth without your love ones means no one knows who you are and there aren't any who care. To me that is loneliness.

[Starling]

I understand your hesitation, Stephanie. It's hard to leave friends and family who know and love you--but what an opportunity this is to experience everything anew! You don't say exactly where on the West Coast, but if you're coming to Southern California, there are rich community resources available here for LGBTQ folk, and a general public quite accepting of us in every walk of life. Just bring some rain with you, please.

Whatever you decide, may it all evolve for the greatest happiness.

Lallie

[StephanieC]

Thanks for the comments guys. I have my choice between Sonoma area and LA area.

[Ineke Vashon]

In 2010,

On one hand, I am excited: I have a chance to be who I want to be without any history, without preconceptions. No one will be be seeing someone who "has changed".

If you had such a choice, what would be your reasoning?

Having known both Wisconsin and most of the West Coast my reasoning would be to go where I'd have a chance to be who I want to be. Even more so if the job offer was good and offered a future I'd like. But, at my senior age, my second motivation would be No-More-Snow and icy roads.

Ineke

[KellyJameson]

History is something that is difficult to entirely escape from. You make new friends but with friendship comes the questions as that getting a sense of who you are. The older you are at transitioning the more difficult it is to lose your history because it is so much more a part of you.

Starting over can be a great adventure if it is not running away from something but instead running toward something.

I love to travel and have seen most of North and South America along with large parts of Asia and Europe and people are pretty much the same everywhere even when they are very different.

Moving, similar to traveling alone, tests you because it forces you to rely on yourself. Both in my opinion are excellant at character building and in the end you will find and develop strengths you may not have now if you can push past the natural anxiety that building self reliance requires one to experience.

Our minds are like molten metal that must be heated and beaten into a more useful form by the life tests we are challenged by.

[CDAshleyAnne]

I would say that you should reach out to those in Sonoma and whichever part of LA you are considering. I know that there are many up in the WeHo, Hollywood and Long Beach areas who would tell you that you will be just fine in LA. In Orange County, it might be a tad less friendly, just because of the more conservative nature of OC. I don't know much about Sonoma but I have found larger cities to be more accepting, if only because no one has the time or energy to deal with someone else's decisions.

[I Am Paula]

AshleyAnne. I think you missed that Stephanie would be stealth. Accepting neighborhoods no longer matter when no one knows your history.

[Jamie2]

Having known both Wisconsin and most of the West Coast my reasoning would be to go where I'd have a chance to be who I want to be. Even more so if the job offer was good and offered a future I'd like. But, at my senior age, my second motivation would be No-More-Snow and icy roads.

Ineke

I would try to find out all I could about the job offer first !!!
Then make sure that it's true, and not all hype.
Starting over is hard enuff,,, Without any other curve ball thrown at you to make it harder to fit in.

Stay safe above ALL else !!!

[Inna]

if those you call friends and family love you with unconditional love, despite your departure to seek further the freedom of self, they will always welcome you back, always!
Those who wouldn't had never truly loved you at all......

[Jorja]

Flip a coin. Heads = Sonoma, tails = LA. Go and become the person you are. Those left behind will still love you no matter what. And if they don't, well, that is their problem.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Here's how you have to look at it..

You are a woman...you have an opportunity...you have a lot to leave behind but the opportunity is exciting... there is risk to go but there are reasons to leave...
but in the end...you are JUST A WOMAN making a choice..that choice is totally personal.

every second of trans this or acceptance that put into your decision has a big risk to come back and bite you... don't do this for "trans" reasons... do this because its right for StephanieC..

Don't get me wrong. I think the idea of meeting people that only know you as Steph is really exciting... but I just don't think that can be the reason to move..
if you find that your transness is upfront in your mind, and that you are thinking of this as a "trans" opportunity, I would suggest that you don't control what you find there...acceptance is not guaranteed...stealth is a fantasy..
(btw...this very thing happened to a friend of mine...she got an opportunity to move from a stable job she had years before transition ..when the offer came, she was told by all her buddies to go for it!! she thought that after FFS with Dr Oesterhaut she passed wonderfully....well she didn't...you need more than a new face for that....she went to Houston to start over and was fired on her second day..they said it wasn't discrimination but that she and her references "lied"......rather than fight, she left and ended up in another town because she didn't want to go back to Wash DC where she started.....she is doing great in her new town though, so it ended happily)

[Michelle789]

Steph,

A lot of things to consider. How do you really feel about leaving everyone you know behind? Do they generally accept you as a woman, or did they have trouble accepting you? Do you currently have a job and got offered a better job, or do you not have a job and desperately need a job? If you have a job, is it a long term stable job?

If you choose to move, I hope you come to L.A.

I agree that WeHo, Hollywood, NoHo/Studio City, and Long Beach are very accepting areas.

Even if people figure out you're trans, I think there's a difference between people knowing you're trans who only knew you as a woman, versus people who knew you as a man. If all they ever knew you as is a woman, even if they see you're trans, they're first impression of you is as a woman. People who knew you as a man have their first impression of you as a man, and that can be hard to change. First impressions really do mean a lot.

Sometimes, you can never second guess things. You could leave a stable job behind, and start a new job and get fired in a few days. You can stay with what was a stable job for the past 20 years, and suddenly get laid off. You really never know what's going to happen.

[Starling]

Stephanie, there is a big difference between Sonoma and SoCal. Sonoma--and Marin County--are semi-rural, expensive and somewhat Bohemian. Though it's within commute distance of SF, small-town attitudes can prevail, including a certain resistance to newcomers. Southern California is huge, sprawling and mostly indifferent to things which are outside their "normal." As has been said, nobody always passes perfectly, and in SoCal almost nobody will care, as long as it doesn't inconvenience them. You won't make friends right off the plane, but there are zillions of opportunities to meet; and West Hollywood, for instance, is like a big, accepting sponge that won't automatically brand you as trans. You can breathe easy there, without being pigeonholed.


Michelle, I couldn't agree more that "...there's a difference between people knowing you're trans who only knew you as a woman, versus people who knew you as a man. If all they ever knew you as is a woman, even if they see you're trans, they're first impression of you is as a woman..."

I'm not full time now, but there are people I know only as a woman, and I'm scrupulous about keeping those friendships "pure," even though they know I was born with male sex organs. It was actually amazing to discover how easily they related to me as a woman.

Lallie

[Eryn]

...I have my choice between Sonoma area and LA area.

Sonoma is a relatively small upscale town in the Wine Country. It is demographically more like Wisconsin than LA.

The LA (SoCal) area is huge and contains many different styles of communities. You can even find communities that are somewhat like Sonoma within the LA area.

I would say that you should reach out to those in Sonoma and whichever part of LA you are considering. I know that there are many up in the WeHo, Hollywood and Long Beach areas who would tell you that you will be just fine in LA. In Orange County, it might be a tad less friendly, just because of the more conservative nature of OC.

A lot of my TG friends live in OC! I live in a community that is just as conservative as OC but is in LA county!

I don't see a transitioned woman having any problems in SoCal, the Central Coast, or the Bay Area. I'm not nearly as passable or polished and I've had very few and very minor negative experiences in LA, Ventura, Orange, or Santa Barbara counties. There's even a lot to be said for living outside of the "LGBT-friendly" core as one is more likely to be pegged as TS in a core community.

My suggestion is to concentrate on the community and lifestyle that you want to lead.

Whether to go or not is another choice. All I can offer is the observation that people are more often sorry for something they didn't do than for something they did do. Wisconsin will still be there if you find California not to you liking.

[celeste26]

On the other hand the LA area will tend to stretch the budget. Even if you rent. Sonoma is the lower cost alternative with the bay area not that far away.

[Starling]

Cost of living is relative, Stephanie. Would you be earning the same in both areas? Would you be living in a basic house or apartment, or a nice, big one in a prime area? How far would you want to travel to shop, feed and entertain yourself with the greatest range of choices? If you want to live in a stimulating environment, that usually means more expense, but there are savings as well. We've got many, many ethnic markets and restaurants in LA that are inexpensive, and Trader Joe's and Costcos galore.

Do I sound like I'm with the LA Junior Transchamber of Commerce?

Lallie

[Eryn]

On the other hand the LA area will tend to stretch the budget. Even if you rent. Sonoma is the lower cost alternative with the bay area not that far away.

Sonoma may be lower cost than San Francisco, but it is about 10% more costly than LA!:

http://www.areavibes.com/cost-of-liv...s+angeles,+ca/

[Aprilrain]

I am conflicted because I know a choice into the unknown may finally set me free but that also means I can never come back.

I don't understand this statement.

First of all total stealth for late transitioners is a fantasy and secondly, why would you never be able to go back to Wisconsin?

Sure you will be "stealth" to everyone who is a casual acquaintance or less but if you want to be friends with someone or if you want a romantic partner your going to have the same issues in CA that you would have in WI. Unless you live in a really small town you could just as easily achieve this level of "stealth" in WI as you could in CA. You can't have a close relationship with another person without disclosing your past to them unless you plan on lying to people and then a 2 minute google search into your name will likely reveal the truth.

Again, why would you not be able to go back to WI if you move to CA??

[Michelle.M]

First of all total stealth for late transitioners is a fantasy

All generalities are false. Stealth is as one experiences it. Just because it ain't so for one doesn't mean it ain't so for any.

[Aprilrain]

Yeah, like I said if you don't want to have any intimate relationships like say, friends or a life partner then you can be as stealth as you please. If you choose not to share your past with a life partner (ie lie) your probably just a crumby person.

I'm not talking about passing I'm talking about interacting with people on more than just a superficial level.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"All generalities are false"....

False
This statement of course cannot be true..

And stealth for late transitioners is a fantasy.