Why am I so scared?

[Donnagirl]

Recently I 'failed' shopping, again... I can plan, organise and prepare but I lose all confidence in the actual execution. The old 'I'm shopping for my wife' excuse is no good as I fail even when genuinely shopping for her and what I'm buying is obviously way to small for me. I just cannot follow through. If it wasn't for the internet and recently my wife, I would have nothing...

Now I'm out to practically everyone I know. I have no problems telling them, talking and joking about it and showing photos. Not one of them has actually seen me dressed. If the promised 'girls night out' eventuates this will change, but that would be a situation where fear of failure, especially to that group would overwhelm fear itself. Others would be in control and I will have no ability to 'back out'.

I have only ever been out dressed twice, both times to the local support group and both times took incredible amounts of will power just to walk out the door. Again fear of failure overcame the fear...

Boy me fears nothing, I'm an adrenalin junkie who's done just about everything in the 'Boys Own Adventure' handbook. For the past thirty years I've worked in areas where confrontation was normal, fight or flight situations were commonplace and almost always resulted in the former rather than the latter, a situation I was better than most at handling. I'm not scared of any confrontation, I'm not worried about dealing with people... This fear I feel is irrational and unexplainable.

I've realised I now have everything ready for the upcoming ball except for ME... The more I think about it the more I'm sure that, on the night fear will engulf me and I will not make it passed the hotel room door. I will get all dressed up, be all ready to play but I will baulk at the final hurdle. A few hours of indecision later and I see myself back in boy mode watching from the sidelines for a few minutes before heading out to the local club. Sorrows to be well and truly drowned!!!

After the event I will be beating my self up over this lack of confidence, embarrassed at my failures but even knowing this it will not change the fear I will feel just by opening that hotel room door and walking down the hall....

I don't know what will change this... There are only four weeks to go!!!

Why am I so scared????

[jacquie randall]

hi there Donna i am hearing and understanding you completely.I will be there as well and very nervous about walking in to that ballroom for the first time . Regards jacqui

[Amanda M]

Donna - think about the word fear. F. E. A. R. A False Expectation Appearing Real! That IS what it is, simply a false perception. Sit down with a pen and paper and write down what is the WORST that could happen. Then think about it. You might be embarrassed, terrified or whatever, but would you SURVIVE it?

If you have time, get yourself dome Cognitive Behavioral Therapy!

[Adriana Moretti]

I REALLY hope you make it past the hotel room door...

[Teresa]

Donna think about being dressed for the ball as a special undercover assignment ! You know you can handle that, so what so difficult about walking down a lobby and into a ballroom ! You'll get glances but more good then bad ! Go for it you know you'll regret not taking the chance !!

[Katey888]

Donna,

I think you might just be enjoying this...

Let me expand... as you say, you're an adrenaline junkie and you've worked in environments where stress and practical fear, good fear; fear based on the knowledge that there might be some actual bodily harm occurring, has given you something of a mental edge to help prepare you for those situations.

This is different.

There are no (or minimal) physical or actual threats in what you will (likely ) do in four weeks time, and your subconscious knows that. But you're used to having that feeling to give you an edge, so your imagination is playing games with you - to help you build that attitude, so that you can walk through the door and feel like you're really throwing yourself into the breach...

And you must be enjoying the anticipation... Isn't that half the fun and where the adrenaline is coming from...?

Of course, the very real changes may take some time to percolate through your friends and colleagues - that might also be in the back of your mind as every step forward may bring with it an unanticipated consequence...

Enjoy the build up!

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Donna . . . FEAR the great equalizer Been there when it comes to going out in the Vanilla World. As you say you have been out a few times but those have been to support group meetings and while it took great willpower to do so, you were just one CD face among many. Not sure if you have any para experience in your past but I equate this to the adrenaline rush of static line jumping versus free fall. Going to a support meeting is exhilarating because you are out and about "en femme" and getting there is the hardest thing and once you step inside all is calm because everyone is like you. Why the para analogy? Because static line jumps are like that . . . exciting, lots of fears but all you have to do is get close enough to the door to get sucked out to let gravity and your static line take care of the rest . . . a slight rush, a sudden jerk and you are under canopy. Stepping out in the real world is like a free fall descent from a lofty altitude. Not only do you have to force yourself down a ramp and physically jettison yourself out of the plane, once you are out that is it . . . no static line to help you out and you spend what seems like and eternity plummeting (heart in throat) until you can pull your drogue chute praying to the gods you packed your chute correctly. Entering the Vanilla World just to be/shop/whatever brings a lot of unknown variables which can be frightening to anyone irrespective of how manly man we think we are. You leave the relative safety of your car and now have to interact with everyday folks, counting the time until you drogue deploys and you see that canopy above you (i.e., you feel safe and comfortable)

IMHO you are feeling the fear of giving up control over the event. In your day job, much like mine you have contingencies built in for every COA which could go wrong. You have kit at your disposal and the protection of team members covering your arcs, in essence you have a relative amount of control over what is going to transpire. You have also spent years honing your skill and being comfortable in doing what you do. CDing is new for you and now you are at square one with fear nipping at your heels which is not uncommon. While you are fine letting people know about Donna, having them see you or letting the world see you, it the last step to admitting you like to dress like a woman . . . that can be hard and is likely one of the reasons so many of us beat ourselves up before going out. The other aspect is the unknown (which I alluded to earlier). Control is important to you in your job (I am the same way) and when I go out dressed I have to abandon a lot of control over the environment I enter and hope for the best. But you know what . . . with the exception of a few guffaws, rude comments (which I chalk up to ignorance) nothing happened, no gangs of torch wielding haters, no physical altercations . . . just me going about my business. The one constant is the more I do it the easier it gets and I begin to exercise a certain amount of control.

If it helps (and it did help me early in my journey) plan your outings like an operation; (1) Recce the venue "en boy" . . . time on recce is seldom wasted; (2) Insertion (getting to the venue); (3) Infiltration (getting in the venue of choice); (4) Actions on (interacting with others, what happens when something goes wrong, COA development); (5) Exfiltration (leaving the venue when finished); (6) Extraction Point (leaving . . . big smile on face )

I have no doubt you can do it . . . you just need to accept the fact that when you throw your drogue chute . . . your canopy will be there.

Hugs

Isha

[Pink Susan]

A quality reply from Isha (as usual)

Do something that isn't confronting , and creates confidence , like sitting on a bench in a Park while reading a book , or mucking about on your phone (even if its all fake). you soon realise nobody is bothered , nobody is looking at you , after an hour you'll smile and be confident to tackle bigger things ...like shopping .

[Sometimes Steffi]

I don't know if you're military or former military, but like Isha says, you can treat it like a op.

In an op, you would have thought of all contingencies and trained for them. It would deem that's the way to go into something that would make the average person fearful enough to run in the other direction.

So treat it like a mission, even one where it is more important for the mission to succeed than you getting hurt during the mission. In other words, think of it as a mission that you must complete.

Oh, and get rid of the negative thinking. Visualize yourself as successful in getting out the door, not freezing at the door stoop.

Oh, and friends help. I have a good CD friend, and she encourages me to push the envelope in one way where she has more experience and I encourage her to push the envelope in another way where I have more experience.

All easy for me to say, since I'm way past to door stoop.

[mariehart]

Oh yes I get that a lot. I plan it all and then take fright in the shop maybe because someone glanced at me or I hear a laugh somewhere nearby. Nothing to do with me at all. Even when I bought something for my wife I felt the woman behind the counter was judging me which was unlikely. It's not as if I'm new to this.

It's slightly better since I told my wife, now at least I can say I was buying for her and she'll back me up if for example someone who knew us saw me. My biggest difficulty though is that I'm broke at the moment so I can't even shop!

I am hoping my wife will eventually shop with me. That would be a reassuring back up.

I was amused by Isha's comment having been in the business for a few years:

I have no doubt you can do it . . . you just need to accept the fact that when you throw your drogue chute . . . your canopy will be there.

Not always! Sometimes it malfunctions and you have to cut away but remember there's always a reserve. So it's never as bad as it seems!

[Donnagirl]

Thanks guys...

But I fear you're trying to rationalise the irrational... 10 static lines, 8 free falls - two operational. Rational fears addressed rationally - no worries... I know there is no reason to worry in the manner I do but I worry none the less... How to you address irrational fears in a logical, rational way? I must admit I fear spiders in the same irrational manner....

Operations I can plan, written appreciations - dead simple. OPORDS - in my sleep!!!! Again rational, logical simple appreciations of a situation, deductions of probable courses and the selection of the best option...

I think I need a massive ice breaker, a huge 'I'm not in control' situation to break this subconscious conditioning... I'm going to work on such an enterprise. But please, you comments are so incredibly valuable, I'm listening to everything you say.

[Rhonda Darling]

When you get there, find a good friend. Have that friend come by your room around the time you would begin your prep. Hand them, out the door your suitcase with all your guy stuff, your car keys, and your hotel room keys - both of them. Tell them you'll meet them en femme at the event. Tell them that under no circumstances are they to bring your stuff back - that you'll collect it from them later that night after the event, or they can leave it under your guy name with the hotel front desk in the morning.

One way or the other, you're getting out of that room dressed.

Enjoy.
Rhonda

[Princess Grandpa]

This is a question I ask myself frequently. Why am I so scared? Going into the mainstream venues freak me out. The looks I get out in public I'm my weird hybrid self are no different than I get when I'm fully dressed as Rita. The looks I get daily don't bother me so why does it bother me when I get those same looks when fully presenting? I try on clothing or shoes anytime I want with little to no discomfort but the prospect of being seen...

They say "fake it until you make it. Act confident and comfortable and eventually you will feel confident and comfortable. I'm working on this. My wife would really like to be able to go just wherever. Not only places tailored for me. She is so cool with all of this that I would really like her to get what she wants.

In the end it makes no sense. As you said " trying to rationalize the irrational. There is no logical explanation to why I can go out I every day dressed as I , but hide in terror if I complete the look. It's a strange thing huh? It's ok to let people know. But letting them see is a whole different can of worms.

I hope you make it to this event!

Hug
Rita

[Amanda L.]

Well girlfriend you know what I think. Just wish I could be there with you to share the anxiety. It WILL be an amazing event and you will not regret attending, you may regret not attending and I know you will be p@#$$%d with yourself if you chicken out.
Remember, like the awesome people on this forum, I am there for if you need support.
Amanda
x

[jenny_cd]

Don't feel bad dear, many of us are/were scared. My story is that I chatted online about it for a year before getting up the courage to actually just go out and do it. I was out of town on business, so I figured no one would know me, so I dressed and went to a mall. I was so nervous, and just walked the length of the mall, never even stopping in a store! I just knew everyone was staring at me, and my heart was pounding. I went out the door, practically ran (in 4" heels) to my car, and I giggled the whole way home! In retrospect, I doubt many people even noticed or cared. My opinion is that you are beautiful, and that if you can overcome your own fear, you will feel the same elation and exhilaration that many of us feel when out, and it will be worth it! Good luck!!

[Tracii G]

How can it be a failure if you actually walk out the door?

[Alice Torn]

Theresa, has a good point, and another said, to meet someone first, I am having the same problem- too much fear to go out again. Like you, have done things that took bravery, but this thing? Maybe meeting another dresser first is the best thing. I have always gone solo anywhere, few and not often. There are some deeply personal reasons one may let fear keep them inside too. Some good are good reasons. Not everyone is emotionally built for going out.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Donna,
I think I can help if you can believe what I say. I had the same exact fears as you, and everyone else, who reach the door and freeze. You even have an advantage over me in that your friends and family are aware.
Truly the only way to overcome that fear is to open that door and step out and face it.
Just remember to have a smile on your face, and anyone you may encounter will see your friendly, happy face, realize you are no threat, and greet you with acceptance.
I know it's hard to believe at the door, but its true the world isn't out there waiting to beat you down for enjoying life. Most people will get a kick out of meeting you, and relish in your sense of freedom!
Just go!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Gardener]

One thought I have is that it is not clear what you are scared off as most of the things we might imagine, you have already faced. As I read what you wrote I wondered how much you really believe in yourself. I wondered whether this cycle of doubt has become rather fixed inside you so that it automatically comes into play. The other thought I had was about approaching things gradually. Retuning your thoughts by just doing what you can a manage at the time and over time, extending.

[Andy66]

Okay, lovely Miss Donna. Heres my theory, and of course I could be quite wrong here...
When you jump out of a plane, swim with sharks, go on a spy mission, barbecue in the nude, or whatever dangerous adventure you may decide to go on, your danger is physical. But when you dare do anything crossdressing related in public, it is a very different type of danger, one that reaches into the primal depths of your mind and spirit, the danger of being shamed. Maybe when you were a small child, you were shamed for doing something the adults didnt want you to do, however unintentionally. It shattered your illusion of safety and unconditional acceptance, and you were too young to know how to defend yourself against it, so you were a powerless victim. Try as you might to prove to yourself how much power you have now, there are still a few things that can trigger feelings of fear and powerlessness, things that you never quite learned to defend yourself against.
... but then again, I could be completely off.

[Beverley Sims]

Donna,
As a guy I flit in and buy lingerie, as a girl I feel and touch everything.
If I am asked I will even have a bra fitting.
Done that as a guy too.

[Eryn]

I really can't offer anything to overcome that initial fear other than to adopt a "Let's do this" attitude.

My first experience out in public was initially solo, but I was meeting a group at a restaurant. After driving 60 miles through LA freeways I sat in the car for a few minutes screwing up my courage. I'd already invested a lot of energy learning how to get myself presentable, so there was quite a lot to lose! I finally pulled up to the restaurant, the parking attendant opened my door and said "Good Evening Ma'am" and at that point I felt that I had exited the plane and there was no turning back. This same sort of feeling pervaded subsequent outings but for those I usually had Mimi along and she is a wonderful wing-girl. After a while, and many successful experiences, there's now nothing to it and I find being out and about very fulfilling.

I think that Andy66's analysis is spot-on when he points out the difference between facing physical and psychological danger. Males have a lot of experience with the former and know that it only hurts if we don't win. Psychological danger is harder to deal with as we don't really know if we win or not, and often we misinterpret signs and think that we have lost even if we haven't.

Example: I'm at Menchie's, enjoying frozen yogurt. Group of young women on other side of room suddenly emits a burst of giggling. My initial though was "have they made me?" After many such experiences I finally came to the conclusion that young women giggle a lot over many things. Most likely it isn't me, but even if it is why is that a terrible thing? Let the person who hasn't made a silly crack about a random stranger throw the first stone! At the worst, I've made their day more interesting and I've also brought an awareness to them that TG people exist in society. To laugh at me they first have to acknowledge me.

[stefan37]

There is only way way to conquer fear. You need to confront it head on and push through it. You have talked in the past about possibly transitioning. Whether you do or don't, this life is a constant exercise in pushing through our comfort zones only to be confronted by many more. The first is the hardest. As you do it many times it will be second nature. Just like exercise. " The hardest part of doing it, Is doing It".

[CynthiaD]

I'm not sure what to say. There isn't anything to be afraid of. When I set out to do something scary, I take it in steps. Try this. Once you're all ready to go, tell yourself that you're just going to open the door, and then close it again right away. Well, once you've got the door open, you might as well take a step outside. Tell yourself you're just going to take one step outside, and then run back inside and close the door. Well, once you've taken one step outside, a few more wouldn't hurt, so walk down the hall, or sidewalk a few steps, and then run back inside and shut the door. Well, once you've taken a few steps, a few more wouldn't hurt ...

You get the idea. Pretty soon you're off doing whatever you planned to do, and nothing bad has happened!

[Donnagirl]

It's 24 hours before I have to walk out that door... I'm terrified already!!!!!!

I have everything ready.... Preparation is at military standards... Rehursals complete, but....

I'll let everyone know how it goes... I have a 'date' who will help me out of the door. I'm gonna need her!

What a whimp I am!!!!