If it's not genetic ...

[Marcelle]

. . . I am often surprised why there is so much interest in this forum on why we are the way we are. Are gay males, lesbians, bisexuals so interested in why they are the way they are or is it just the T in the LGBT that is so curious? And why? Are we reluctant to accept ourselves as who we are? Do we think if we could find out we could somehow fix ourselves and just be ordinary heteronormative cisgendered folk?

Funny you should mention this Devida. When I first started seeing a "gender identity therapist" this was central in my discussion. I wanted her to explain to me "why" . . . why should I want to dress like a girl when I am guy. She would never give me a direct reason (a few floating hypotheses) because there is no agreement in the literature or for that matter a true body of literature on what makes people crossdress. She did ask me why I was so fixated on finding out why and was it because I was hoping that by identifying the root cause I could somehow fix it. It was at that moment that I realized my inability to move forward and accept me (including Isha) was due to my incessant drive to find out why. So I gave up trying to explain it and accepted it. At that point I found true peace and was able to continue in my journey.

Hugs

Isha

[donnalee]

It is not at all important to know how we came about; the only thing that is is that we are as we are. I realize that we are curious as to why, but it is far more important that we cope with the situation as best we can.
The comparison to the imprinting of baby birds is assuming that humans (or any mammal, for that matter) are born the same way as chickens; obviously untrue. Then there is the matter of gestation; ours takes 9 months, birds 2 to 3 weeks, so our imprinting would have to take place in the womb.

[PaulaQ]

It's totally important that we know "why" - but it isn't so important for us as individuals. Our lives are set, and we live in a world that hates and fears us, depending on our degree of variance from the norm.

But look, it's very, very likely that the issues we face are naturally occurring developmental and genetic issues that are totally beyond our control, and that society's views of us are cruel. We aren't deviants, nor perverts. We aren't protesting our roles as men - at least that's not why we do what we do.

These are medical conditions that usually manifest to some degree in childhood. We are being punished for conditions we never asked for, that are beyond our control.

We need to make them understand "why", not for our sakes, but for the sakes of the children yet to be who'll be born with gender issues. They need to be able to live authentic lives - and I'm not just talking about transsexuals like me. Look - if CDs could really be free and accepted by our society, you'd be able to find spouses who accepted and loved you for who you are. And it would be easier to FIND them, because they wouldn't have to hide who THEY really are.

What society does to us all is wrong, cruel, and monstrous, and children will continue to suffer.

And that's the reason that "why" matters. They need to see their cruelty, and understand it for what it is.

[Krystenw]

As I have mentioned before, I didn't know little boys didn't wear frilly dresses and wear their hair in pigtails until I was six years old and started the first grade.

Try going from ringlets to a butch haircut at six years old.

Talk about a life changing experience.

[LelaK]

I believe in free will to a great extent and, even if I didn't put much thought into the matter, I think I did decide at an early age that I wanted to be much more like Mom than like Dad. I think that because I remember some of my thinking back then. I also identified with "feminine" back then, meaning how I should look, not so much how to act etc.

[Frédérique]

Do you think you may have "imprinted" on your Mom when you were very young? Did you like your Mom more than your Dad? Do you think you may have wanted to be like her at an early age? Does it seem very probable that your desire for femininity started in that way?

Not in my case, although I was close to my mother when I was young. For me, a desire for protection and shelter from the world, coupled with isolation, magnified my senses and made me seek out some sort of sensual expression that would make sense to me…

[Jaylyn]

I feel deep down that we don't know what might have been imprinted on our genetic makeup at birth. I know certain animals can be imprinted especially baby ducks, kittens, and even just maybe humans. I do know I had a problem of mom wanting a girl for her first kid to the point she had sewn home made dresses for me before I was born. She let my hair grow and dad finally put his foot down and made her cut my golden blond locks off. She secretly painted my toe nails till I was around three. She let me play in her makeup. She even took some of my baby pictures all black and white, shows how old I am now, while I was dressed in gowns and dresses she sewed. Dad finally imprinted me by making her stop around the age of three to four. He started me with being with him around the farm. In my teens I started back to playing with her nylons n girdles and panties and then her makeup again. This was when I was big enough for my parents to be gone and me by myself. I discovered guys could be aroused by the silky under garments, but that part is a whole other story... Lol

[devida]

It's totally important that we know "why" - but it isn't so important for us as individuals. ...

What society does to us all is wrong, cruel, and monstrous, and children will continue to suffer.

And that's the reason that "why" matters. They need to see their cruelty, and understand it for what it is.

You might be right. I think that gays and lesbians achieved much more social acceptance and much more rapidly when the social consensus changed from homosexuality being seen as a lifestyle choice to same sex attraction being hard wired. Perhaps being transgender needs to be understood in the same way. Some commentators believe that society's general consensus on being trans has hit an inflection point based on this very understanding, that gender identity is no more a matter of lifestyle choice than same sex attraction is. I hope that this is true. I worry that (mostly) male hatred of transgender people (particularly mtf trans people) is so visceral that this might be difficult. But then I had gay friends 40 years ago who thought the same. I recall Dan Savage saying just a few years ago he didn't expect to see gay marriage in his lifetime. So maybe we should feel more positively about the decency of ordinary people.

[Nadya]

No, I don't think that "imprinting" -- in the sense that ducklings imprint on their parents -- would be a cause of crossdressing, or transgenderism. There are probably lots of guys who had similar experiences as an infant or toddler, but never have the urge to CD. I do think that most of us who are TG (CD thru TS) were probably born this way, perhaps through chemical influences in the womb. So we have the built-in responses there, and when we first feel that silken scarf, or put on our first pair of panties, it's reinforced.

Adding to what you said, Claire. I think that with so many that try to hide crossdressing but are still drawn to it, that is something innate or built into our personality. Otherwise, more people would be able to "will it away."

[sometimes_miss]

I do think that most of us who are TG (CD thru TS) were probably born this way, perhaps through chemical influences in the womb. So we have the built-in responses there, and when we first feel that silken scarf, or put on our first pair of panties, it's reinforced.

The problem with that is, genes don't predispose us to clothing or materials. They can, however, predispose us to behavior, but then that doesn't get addressed until that behavior is consciously acted upon the observations we make.

The male crossdresser, on the other hand, is an enigma as he desires straight women yet he presents as a woman. Trust me, that's NOT appealing. There's no logic behind it, hence the endless questions here. <snip> The crossdressers answer isn't so easy - so far, there isn't one!

Actually, that's correct, in a fractured sort of way; there isn't ONE. There are MANY different answers. It's kind of like standing at JFK airport, and pointing out to all the different vehicles; motorcycle, car, bus, truck, helicopter, boat, plane, and asking which one will get you from new york to philadelphia. The answer is, all of them; but they all get you there in a different way. Logic has nothing to do with it; clearly, if we consciously want to attract women; well, straight women, we should be dressing and behaving in masculine ways. So, something is getting screwed up while our personalities are developing and learning appropriate behavior according to the society in which we live. Then if the role pattern behavior we learn conflicts with who we are attracted to, and who we want to attract, you have a mismatch that won't be corrected subconsciously, so the conscious mind tries to resolve it, but the underlying feelings are still there, leading us to feel a need to behave and appear as females, yet also wanting to attract them. Then the dilemma because there's no way to resolve the mismatch.

The enigma exists only if you believe it is a choice to want to crossdresse, as opposed to making the choice to actually do it in response to that desire. Otherwise, reading these forums, there are many different paths that lead us to become crossdressers.

[JocelynRenee]

I empathize with the desire to know why we crossdress. I've spent more hours than I can count seeking the answer myself - still wonder occasionally. I think a far more interesting question, though, is: What would you do if you had the answer? Is there an answer that would allow you to hang up your heels and quit cold turkey? Is there an answer that we could point to and say, "See, it's not my fault!"

I suspect that deep down we hope that it's genetic so we can absolve ourselves of the guilt we feel and gain sympathy because we can't help it. Even if that's true what do we really gain. Are women the world over going to say, "I want me a genetically defective cross dressing guy."? Are half-wits going to stop verbally and physically assaulting us? I think we all know the answers.

I've heard it said that gays and lesbians have gained wider acceptance because society has come to believe they were born that way. I disagree. They enjoy wider acceptance because they put themselves out there. And as young people began to know their friends were gay it has become no big deal. In short, prejudice is dying out. We will only achieve that level of acceptance by leaving the closet and the first ones to do so are going to suffer.

To be honest I still want to know why. In absence of THE answer, though, I am happy with the simple truth of my life. I am transgendered. It's not my wife's dream come true, but she loves me and supports me to the best of her ability. My children support me. Sometimes it causes me strife, but I love myself. And I love being transgendered, even though I can't tell you why. The rest of the world doesn't have to understand, or even like it, but like it or not I'm real. How they deal with it is their business and I'm under no illusions that if CDing is genetic that haters are going to change.

[Krisi]

Yes. My mother used to dress me up as a girl before I was old enough to know it. She decided to tell everyone in the extended family about this in papers she wrote before she passed away. I'm not real thrilled about that but there's nothing I can do about it now.

I do remember her using me as a model for dresses she would sew for her brother's children. I was probably three or four at the time.

She really wanted a daughter but had only sons. I can probably put the blame on her for my crossdressing.

[CynthiaD]

When I was young, I spent more time with my mother, learning to cook and bake than I did with my father. My brothers preferred to learn woodworking from my father, while I preferred to bake cookies. It took me a while to realize that most boys didn't want to wear dresses and work in the kitchen. I still prefer feminine pursuits to male hobbies. My big regret is that I never learned to sew. My grandmother was an award winning embroiderer, and I have taught myself some embroidery, but I'll never be in her class.

[Dianne S]

I don't buy the imprinting theory. I think transgenderism (the whole spectrum from cross-dressing to transitioning) has biochemical origins.

I had a very good relationship with my mother and grandmother when I was young, but I also had a very good and close relationship with my father. As a young kid, I wasn't particularly "girly" in my everyday life and didn't enjoy stereotypically-female activities like cooking or playing with dolls.

[Dianne S]

But heterosexual crossdressers very rarely attract the partners they desire - heterosexual women.

I think heterosexual cross-dressers cross-dress despite wanting to be with women. IMO, there's some underlying biochemical cause in the brain of cross-dressers that makes them want to cross-dress.

[bimini1]

Again, you're looking for the one, true reason why we crossdress. And there doesn't appear to be one. Each person is the sum of our genetics as well as our experiences. Our brains aren't stamped complete when we are born, we continue to develop throughout our lives, and exactly when we develop the feeling that we should wear the clothes of the opposite gender will vary as well. You can argue until you're blue in the face about your own life, and how you believe it defines the condition for everyone, and I understand why you may feel that way, but really, it's different for everyone. What I have learned since coming here, is the huge desire to put the responsibility for crossdressing on someone, anything else but ourselves. And that is a result of our societies trememdous pressure on men to avoid ANYTHING feminine in our behavior at any cost, even to the death. To be feminine has always been the absolute worst thing a boy can be. So we look for anything to alleviate the concept that we are in any way responsible for this.

Exactly. If I can rest assured that I had no responsibility in this, did not ask for it. Then it eases some of the pain and guilt that comes with it. Lately I've been trying take responsibility. No one made me do it. I did it, although I don't feel I made a conscious decision to. I was compelled to it. Compelled by what I don't know but ultimately compelled by me.
But is society's take on it as bad as we make it out be? I was recently out in broad daylight earlier this summer. Went into family restaurants, malls, etc. Believe me when I say I was definitely gauging people's reactions to me. And you know what, they're weren't really that many reactions to gauge, if any. Now, what they said after I left is really none of my business.
What I am saying is until I really went out and saw for myself that I'd basically created this big bad bogeyman, I never would have known he was made of straw.

Sometimes I felt like wow, is the rest of society kind of moving forward on this and leaving me, the person who is affected by it, behind and shackled in my own guilt?
Don't get me wrong, there is a long way to go and you still can get fired, lose friends, etc.

[Melissa_59]

I can't really buy the "imprinting" idea, this gets into that whole "nature versus nurture" issue and the most obvious and famous case is the David Reimer case. Here is someone who was nurtured as a girl for almost all of his early years and yet never identified as a girl, not even remotely.

Does anyone know of any cases where someone was born male but nurtured female and they accepted that gender identity? I'd love to read about it.

~Mel