What a surreal weekend.
Saturday morning, I got up early, got some coffee and checked my email. Amazon sent me some spam about a dress sale so I clicked through it and got lost for a an hour or so just browsing dresses, etc.
I hear my wife come up the stairs, and I start to panic. Disk is swapping out hard for some reason, and the browser will not give up the ghost. In desperation, I slam the lid shut on my laptop. She catches that, and asks what I'm hiding. I try to play it off, but she keeps prying. I refuse to let her see what's on it. Then she starts jumping to some very awful conclusions ... am I doing something illegal? am I cheating? why won't I show her?
At this point I snapped. I could not bear the thought of weaving a new web of lies, that I'm sure she wasn't going to believe anyhow. I got up, shut the door so we could have some privacy, and proceeded to spill my guts.
Three days later and I still can't believe I actually did it.
I've never admitted this to anyone who I know in real life, face to face before, ever. Add to that it was my wife, who I was terrified would be so hurt, and I didn't want that. I had a panic attack, at one point. The first few hours were rough (on me, it's not like she was the one freaking out at least).
Anyhow ... we talked and we cried and talked and cried, and well you know ... talked, and then cried. Cancelled all our plans for the weekend, got the kids to have a sleepover with some friends ... then talked and cried some more.
Those of you who know me here, know just how much I have been dreading this day for the last 17 years. I really and truly thought it was going to be the end of the world, but so far it hasn't been.
If I ever had any doubt, I certainly do not now. I married the one and only right woman for me ... somehow! She has been so unbelievably cool about this so far. Yes certainly hurt by my lies, but after talking about it, I think she understands why I did (even if she wishes I didn't). I know it'll take time for her to trust me again, and I'm fine with it. I have seriously never lied to her about any other thing (well possibly birthday presents, LOL) ... now that this one is gone, I have no interest whatsoever in building any new ones.
Then the forum went down, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it all weekend, except her!
And I swear to God (that I only kinda sorta believe in), that this must have been a miracle. It kept us talking. If the forum had been up, and I'd inevitably slinked off to a corner to share my story with you all got caught up in that, and I think that would have been the last thing that needed to happen. What needed to happen is for us to keep talking ... which we haven't stopped doing since I opened my stupid mouth three days ago.
I know this may very well turn nasty at some point. I'm going to do everything I can to prevent that, but if it does I'll just have to do the best I can and ride it out and hope for the best.
But for today, I just can't believe it. Everything is ok. My wife knows, and she still loves me. I still have my family, and I'm not being eaten alive by guilt and fear 24/7 for the first time in so long I can't even remember. I took a horrible risk, no doubt.
Today it seems like a brand new marriage, and a new lease on life. I've never been so happy (also a ball of nerves, but definitely happy), just by being able to be this close to my wife.
punchline:
my wife: "I'm glad you told me, but you could have just said one of the kids sent you a link to a dress they like on Amazon"
me: oh, yeah. that would've been a lot simpler, wouldn't it?
at least she can laugh about it. that's a good sign right :-)