Amy Finally Came Out!

[Amy Fakley]

What a surreal weekend.

Saturday morning, I got up early, got some coffee and checked my email. Amazon sent me some spam about a dress sale so I clicked through it and got lost for a an hour or so just browsing dresses, etc.

I hear my wife come up the stairs, and I start to panic. Disk is swapping out hard for some reason, and the browser will not give up the ghost. In desperation, I slam the lid shut on my laptop. She catches that, and asks what I'm hiding. I try to play it off, but she keeps prying. I refuse to let her see what's on it. Then she starts jumping to some very awful conclusions ... am I doing something illegal? am I cheating? why won't I show her?

At this point I snapped. I could not bear the thought of weaving a new web of lies, that I'm sure she wasn't going to believe anyhow. I got up, shut the door so we could have some privacy, and proceeded to spill my guts.

Three days later and I still can't believe I actually did it.

I've never admitted this to anyone who I know in real life, face to face before, ever. Add to that it was my wife, who I was terrified would be so hurt, and I didn't want that. I had a panic attack, at one point. The first few hours were rough (on me, it's not like she was the one freaking out at least).

Anyhow ... we talked and we cried and talked and cried, and well you know ... talked, and then cried. Cancelled all our plans for the weekend, got the kids to have a sleepover with some friends ... then talked and cried some more.

Those of you who know me here, know just how much I have been dreading this day for the last 17 years. I really and truly thought it was going to be the end of the world, but so far it hasn't been.

If I ever had any doubt, I certainly do not now. I married the one and only right woman for me ... somehow! She has been so unbelievably cool about this so far. Yes certainly hurt by my lies, but after talking about it, I think she understands why I did (even if she wishes I didn't). I know it'll take time for her to trust me again, and I'm fine with it. I have seriously never lied to her about any other thing (well possibly birthday presents, LOL) ... now that this one is gone, I have no interest whatsoever in building any new ones.

Then the forum went down, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it all weekend, except her!

And I swear to God (that I only kinda sorta believe in), that this must have been a miracle. It kept us talking. If the forum had been up, and I'd inevitably slinked off to a corner to share my story with you all got caught up in that, and I think that would have been the last thing that needed to happen. What needed to happen is for us to keep talking ... which we haven't stopped doing since I opened my stupid mouth three days ago.

I know this may very well turn nasty at some point. I'm going to do everything I can to prevent that, but if it does I'll just have to do the best I can and ride it out and hope for the best.

But for today, I just can't believe it. Everything is ok. My wife knows, and she still loves me. I still have my family, and I'm not being eaten alive by guilt and fear 24/7 for the first time in so long I can't even remember. I took a horrible risk, no doubt.

Today it seems like a brand new marriage, and a new lease on life. I've never been so happy (also a ball of nerves, but definitely happy), just by being able to be this close to my wife.

punchline:
my wife: "I'm glad you told me, but you could have just said one of the kids sent you a link to a dress they like on Amazon"
me: oh, yeah. that would've been a lot simpler, wouldn't it?

at least she can laugh about it. that's a good sign right :-)

[jenny_cd]

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience...sending prayers and happy vibes your way in hopes that it continues to go well for you!!

[Teresa]

Amy I'm so glad the outcome is OK for you ! I felt like a millstone had been taken off my shoulders, I bet you felt the same !
The problem is more questions keep coming to mind , at one point my wife asked is that all you think about ? I replied it's all I try not to think about !
You comment about the feeling like a new marriage backfired on me, my wife didn't see it like that and it left me feeling rejected and unloved !
I hope it goes better for you.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Amy, I am incredibly happy for you & your wife!!! You deserve happiness & peace. Please keep us updated as to your journey. Much peace to you both, mel

[hope springs]

Im very happy that burden is off your shoulders. Its a lot to heap on your wife however. You have been here long enough to know the path to follow from the initial discussion. Some stay ok with it, some get more resentful over time and some finally find they cant deal with it. Ive only been "out" a few months, so the wife and i are still adjusting. The one mistake i made was wanting to talk about clothes, dressing and all things CD related too much. I pumped the brakes and things are better. Go slow, establish boundaries and try to have fun with it.
Good luck girl, and please keep up updated. We are here for you

[Jenny Doolittle]

FANTASTIC! You and your wife were me and my wife 5-6 years ago. It is so wonderful not to hide from your wife.

[Jaylyn]

If you will let the dressing always take a back seat to your love for her she will accept it. Still be her man and let her absorb it all in small doses. I did and now mine shops for herself and Jaylyn, we have fun with the dressing. I know now that she is my best friend and I realize she really does love me more because I laid out my feelings for her and the dressing.

[Jenniferathome]

...I know this may very well turn nasty at some point. ....

Amy, you did the right thing. Coming out is scary, but I think you are wrong. It will not turn nasty. The truth is just that. Congratulations.

[Rachael Leigh]

Amy Im happy for you, telling a loved one especially your wife is extremely difficult. I told mine about my like for clothes before we were married and from that point on its still not been easy so hang in there be kind and gentile to her and yes by all means be completely open and honest with her. Our wives are very special to us all, we have a part of ourselves that Im sure most really dont want to deal with or be a part of be but we have to allow for that.
Not sure where you and yours will go with this but it is good you can talk about it.
have a blessed week
Leigh

[Bria]

Amy, I'm glad you were able to tell your wife. We tend to bottle it up inside us because we fear the outcome. That isn't good for the person holding the secret as well as for the one from whom the secret is kept. So, congrats on telling and I'm so glad that you dodged the lightning bolt and lived to tell the story!!

I will remember you and your wife in my prayers as you both work though this!!

Hugs, Bria

[PaulaQ]

Hi Amy, I'm really glad your wife accepted your coming out so well. Don't be alarmed if sometimes you have a bit of a rollercoaster ride over your CDing. It can take some time to process everything, and our emotions do not proceed in a straight line course.

It is nice to not feel you have to keep this awful secret from the one you love most, isn't it?

[Julie Denier]

So happy for you! You are very fortunate and so lucky

[Evana]

Great!

I wish I could post the same type of message. I have been cross dressing since I was a little boy and I am ssssssso deep in the closet. I just want to be accepted. Is that so wrong?

Good luck to you.

[LelaK]

Amy, tell your wife thanks for the idea of saying someone else sent us the links when we get caught looking at them. Just kidding.

[Amanda L.]

Hi Amy
What a wonderful,outcome for you. To have such quality time with your wife and to have the burden of your secret lifted must be a feeling of such elation. I admire and respect you for your courage.
I am too afraid to venture to dip my toe in those waters
Amanda
X

[Amy Fakley]

Thank you everyone for the kind and reassuring comments.
Certainly I'm taking it very slowly.

It's almost as much of a shock to me as it is to her ... in spite of the fact that she has been so unbelievably understanding and patient with me, my anxiety is running in high gear, and I just can't stop it. It's like subconsciously I'm just stuck in all-out panic mode ... It's starting to get better though, and I'm starting to get used to the idea that someone else in my life knows about this. I'm almost calm right now, LOL.

I've told her that I will not bring the subject up. If she wants to talk about it, she can ask me whatever she wants. So far she has asked a LOT of questions, and I've honestly and candidly answered all of them. She seems curious. One mistake I made on the first day, was that I gave her an encrypted USB key with pictures on it and said "when you're ready have a look".

Then I realized on day 1 there's no way she's ready ... an hour or so later she gave it back to me and said "I'm not ready yet, I didn't look". **whew* thank God. It's not like I'm that shocking to look at, but I do think that was just going too far too fast. I'm not even sure if I'm ready for her to see me in that way.

I will say this. In spite of the anxiety, I've had two of the best nights of sleep I've had in so long I can't remember.
I'm no longer going to bed terrified of being found out.

If when this finally settles out, I've still got my family, I've still got a happy wife who loves me, then I will have been the luckiest person in the world.
If I get a weekend to myself once and a while without having to stress over hiding each and every one of my tracks, well that'll just be icing on the cake :-)

[kimdl93]

Wow, Amy, what a way to come out! I admire you for taking the risk and coming clean, rather than coming up with some other excuse for your moment of embarrassment.

Who knows what the next few weeks may bring. Sure there may be ups and downs. Through whatever happens, remember that you are the person you always have been...every positive thing your wife loved about you before remains equally true today...all of those admirable qualities were part of the same person, maybe even in part because you are a cross dresser. Take a deep breath, relax and be proud of your honesty.

[Michelle (Oz)]

... and I'm not being eaten alive by guilt and fear 24/7 for the first time in so long I can't even remember.

... without having to stress over hiding each and every one of my tracks, well that'll just be icing on the cake :-)

Delighted for you Amy. I very much share the absolute relief in feeling honest and not having to hide plus the fear of being sprung. Makes life so much simpler nd enjoyable.

My wife survives by not thinking or seeing my dressing ... DADT as they say. That's fine and far less complicated. It is how she copes and I know that she loves me completely.

[Taylor Ray]

Hats off and congratulations!

[Diversity]

Believe it or not, the best thing you could have done was to share this with your wife. It takes a world of weight off your shoulders, and makes you feel good about being honest with her. Now things can move forward in a positive direction without the fear of you being 'outed'. I know there are many of us who have done what you finally did, and I am sure that the majority of us all are glad that we told our wives about our needs and our feelings. I wish you both well, and this forum will continue to be a great place to be.
Di

[JocelynRenee]

Amy, this story absolutely made my day. I am so happy for you and your wife. This is the start of a whole new chapter in your lives. Of course there will be ups and downs, but I have no doubt that there be far more ups!

[NZ_Dawn]

I (like many others I suspect here) can relate to this story well and truly. We know in the back of our minds that if we don't disclose to our wife or So we will inevitably get caught.
I wish you and your wife all the best. There's a lot to talk about! She will have many questions and it's a long journey.

[mariehart]

I told my wife recently and it went well at first. I really kept it low key and I understood her surprise etc.
But last night after a stressful day in her work she decided she wasn't comfortable with it at all. She also decided that our current arrangement where I stay at home and look after the children is something she isn't comfortable with either. Actually that was a bigger deal for her.

I pointed out that I could go back to work anytime but it would mean long hours and being gone for days at a time and it would mean very complicated child care arrangements. Plus the money won't be good.

But apparently that's ok.

So that's it. Most of the basis of my life swept away in a couple of minutes.

So be warned. It's not over yet. She may accept it initially but once she has time to think and then has a bad day. That might change.

That's fair enough of course. When we impose this on the person we are closest to. We lose all rights apparently. So every aspect of our lives is now up for reappraisal.

So be careful how things progress from here.

[Claire Cook]

What a big hurdle you have just gone over! She has so much to digest and absorb, not the least of which is that you have kept this from her for so long. She must sense how relieved and calmer you are .. let that work for a while. And by all means do let her take the lead in this. You have shared so much in your marriage, hopefully this will add to your sharing.

Give that girl some flowers and lots of attention!

[Marcelle]

Hi Amy,

That is a big step forward for you and one none who have come out to their wives take lightly. I am glad it is working out. My advice is keep the communication lines open and don't push (which you are not doing).

Hugs

Isha