Tonight I choose to be weak . . . .

[Anne2345]

Today has been a completely sucky day.

Today I lost another close, longtime friend to collateral damage.

Today I was reminded again just how hard, serious, life-altering, and crappy this tranny shit can really be.

Still, I am stronger than I have ever been before in my life. By far.

And I will become much more stronger yet in the future.

But I shall not do so this night.

Instead, I am taking a break from being strong this night.

This night I am giving in to the weakness.

This night I am allowing myself to cry it all out as I have done in the past.

This time, though, it is different.

This time, though, I am different.

Because this time I am okay with it.

Because this time I do not hate myself for being a tranny.

Because this time I do not wish to run away from it all.

Because this time I do not want to crawl under some rock and die.

Because this time I am not disgusted by myself or ashamed of my weakness.

And because this time I am weak under my own terms and conditions.

This time, in fact, I forgive myself for allowing myself to be weak.

And really, it's all okay, because tomorrow is a new day.

And when my alarm goes off in the morning, when I wake to greet the fresh, new day, I will go back to being strong again then.

I will do so because I now know I can do so, and I know I will do so.

But until then, I still have some more crying to do.

It's all good, though, and I get that.

Good night, y'all. Love you. <3

[PretzelGirl]

It is totally okay Anne. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Jorja]

All that just to be made even stronger. Life is funny like that sometimes.

[mechamoose]

"pain is weakness leaving the body"

You may experience losses, but those are things which are not traveling on the same path you are.

I'm sorry you are hurting, but it sounds like you have good perspective on yourself. Believe in yourself (as I hear you do) and things will be ok.

<3

- MM

[Ddannie]

Anne,
I too am sorry for your loss. Tears can help with the grieving. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Danielle

[docrobbysherry]

Anne, do u know what it was, or what u did, that allowed u to turn that corner?

[kimdl93]

Sorry for the loss of the friend. But the sun will rise again tomorrow and you'll persevere.

[Anne2345]

Anne, do u know what it was, or what u did, that allowed u to turn that corner?

Yes. Yes I do. It's all relatively simple, actually - I have begun to truly love myself for me and the person I am.

Sounds totally cheesy and like really bad script from a really poorly written low budget B-movie, doesn't it? But there it is, in all of its overly simplified and cheesy glory.

The thing is, I no longer need my friends or family to validate me or accept me, because I now do these things for myself. Don't get me wrong, though - I would much, much, much prefer to have their acceptance, blessing, and love (who wouldn't?), but I no longer need it to justify, validate, or make bearable my existence.

In this, I am now chock full of hard-fought-for conviction and resolve. I need this. But unlike before, because I was unwilling and unable to do so because of all the internal conflict and fighting, I desperately *want* this, too. And also unlike before, I now believe in myself and no longer let my fear control (read also as "ruin" and "destroy") my life.

And although my friends can still hurt and sadden me, they cannot stop me. Because in the end, I know I will still have my day (with or without them), and I will move on and do my thing (whatever that may be) either way.

All inartfully and inelegantly drafted words of bravado aside, this is my life, damn it!! It is MY life. And I am going to live it the way I need to, I am going to make the most out of it, and I am going to keep moving forward. So if they have a problem with it, then that is on THEM, not me!!

It's all good, though, because the world has yet to end, and I'm still here.

Tomorrow is now today, and I welcome it. Bring it on. :-)

[Donna Joanne]

Anne,

I feel your pain, but also see the growth in your personality and psyche. Our lives are sometimes like a vine. There has to be pruning in order to encourage growth. Look at it this way, that person had to leave you life in order to make room for a totally awesome new friend. Your tears were necessary to water the fertile field that is your life.

When people ask me "how are you today?" I always answer "wonderful;today is a little bit better than yesterday, and not quite as as good as tomorrow can be" Go out and find that new friend, and keep on loving life!

[Angela Campbell]

sounds like you choose to be you rather than who someone else wants you to be. It is good.

[I Am Paula]

Sometimes a night of surrender to your emotions, and the crying that goes with it, can be a great cleanser. You start the new day emotionally refreshed.
Still, nobody like to lose a close friend.
As you said, a new day.

[LeaP]

Sometimes I think what passes for acceptance is more like growing up and leaving the nest. It takes a certain maturity and courage to become self-responsible, no longer relying on others as your standard of reference, behavior, and acceptability.

Well-expressed.

[becky77]

Sorry to hear about your loss Anne.

[Suzanne F]

Anne
I am so moved by your self acceptance. No one can take that away from us!
Suzanne

[Rachel Smith]

Yes. Yes I do. It's all relatively simple, actually - I have begun to truly love myself for me and the person I am.

Sounds totally cheesy and like really bad script from a really poorly written low budget B-movie, doesn't it? But there it is, in all of its overly simplified and cheesy glory.

The thing is, I no longer need my friends or family to validate me or accept me, because I now do these things for myself. Don't get me wrong, though - I would much, much, much prefer to have their acceptance, blessing, and love (who wouldn't?), but I no longer need it to justify, validate, or make bearable my existence.

Anne the day I came to realize these same things I felt a great relief. I hope you do as well. When we realize these things I think that is the moment we have arrived safely to where we need/want to be.