not sure of next move

[cdtraveler]

I have been married for more than 12 years SO knows that I dress is mostly accepting provided I do it when she's not around but she's quite reluctant to talk about it. Mostly she is consumed by the idea I wish to transition which I don't and despite reassuring her frequently of this her fear is like a wall to us. Frankly I'd love it if she'd simply find a way to say hey if you keep it in these boundaries I can even be a little supportive but that simply hasn't transpired. We both come from disfunction a families and this has made it hard to form the type of close bond we both want. She also carries. so much past hurt and anger from childhood that it's gotten to the point I'm not sure it can change for the better and am considering divorce which I do not take lightly. So am seeking feedback hear. The divorce wouldn't be because of my dressing but since we're at the decision point, to what extent do I seek to reset where we are at with my dressing as part of staying together? While this is by far a secondary matter to her need to seek her with her emotional scaring Would this be unfair of me to try and address the dressing aspect now? She doesn't want a divorce so in some ways I want to make sure I'm not taking advantage of her and getting concessions she agrees to now but really doesn't live up to regarding my dressing so was looking for so feedback. Yet if I risk staying would I not be better off addressing and airing everything that's at issue in the relationship as part of the equation?

Thanks

Amanda

[Kylee-Blackstad]

I've never been married myself, but I suppose if I put myself in the situation where divorce seemed like an option not cross-dressing related, and the relationship was still very much meaningful to me, I'd consider marriage counseling.

I'm a step-wise take it day by day kind of person. If there's a bigger issue at had other than the one I'm considering, I would tackle those before I even thought tackling the smaller fry.

[Brianna_H]

I'm married to a lady and we both have a lot of baggage from the past. If your ideal would be a healthy, loving relationship with your wife and more acceptance of your crossdressing, I cannot recommend therapy strongly enough. Sounds like you both could use some counseling and a marriage counselor.

I know it may seem like the end of the world to share your problems in person with a stranger, but it's not. It's the beginning of a new life. Of course situations vary with location and insurance, etc. But really, before you go to the expense and trauma of a divorce, you should try counseling.

My lady was very reluctant to seek help for years. But she started having panic attacks at work and missing work and there was nothing to do except seek counseling get on some meds for her depression. However, things are so much better now. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, if you can commit to loving each other and doing whatever it takes (swallowing pride, seeking help) to make it work.

[cdtraveler]

Have been with counselor with and without her for years she knows there are issues but just can't seem to find the courage to face them head on including my dressing.
Amanda

[Katey888]

Amanda, my heart goes out to you but I don't think anyone here is really qualified to help with your issues...

You've been through counselling, you at least have an SO that partially accepts this weird thing we do, although it's also not surprising she doesn't totally accept the 'why' and the 'where is it all heading'... You have to do some real soul-searching on whether or not this is the person you want to be with - if that's positive, then you should address the dressing issues. So much seems out in the open already, it sounds to me like you need to act to bring everything to a conclusion... which I know is hard (been there...) but is for the best for both of you.

Get through talking about everything - Decide - Act... Hard to do but necessary...

Good luck!

Katey x

[AKADonna]

It seems like a matter of priorities to me. How important is your marriage to you. From my perspective, my dressing would rank way down from my relationship with my wife, our marriage and our family, but each of us has our own priorities. I, too, would get time with a good counselor who is qualified on these issues and work through it. As long as there is some communication, I would encourage you to work on it.

[DonnaT]

First, bringing up divorce will seem like you are playing with her emotions to get what you want. Any discussion about CDing should not include one about divorce, period.

I have been married for more than 12 years SO knows that I dress is mostly accepting provided I do it when she's not around but she's quite reluctant to talk about it. . . . Frankly I'd love it if she'd simply find a way to say hey if you keep it in these boundaries I can even be a little supportive but that simply hasn't transpired.

Sounds like she has accepted it within boundaries, i.e., when she's not around.

Sounds like you want to move the boundary.

So, what is it you want exactly? To be able to simply wear a skirt, no wig, no makeup, or do you want much more that you know in your heart your wife won't accept?

[UNDERDRESSER]

I disagree Donna, if it was just about the CD then yeah, but from the OP there is a lot of damage to both parties, and counselling both together and separately is strongly recommended. if she won't, then try for yourself, cdtraveller, and see if the counsellor can recommend a way forward.

If they can't, then presenting divorce as an option may show your determination to get yourself out of a situation that is becoming intolerable. Don't say it unless you mean it.

Push strongly for joint counselling, if not accepted, go alone. Talk to the therapist/counsellor, see what they say.

[devida]

I have to agree that it is not likely that the main issue here is cross dressing but it is certainly a handy little way of avoiding whatever the real issue or issues actually are. The OP says that fear from the SO of transitioning is like a wall between them. The OP states he has no interest in transitioning. So what is going on?

Obviously we cannot know, not being there and not being their therapists. But the OP asks a particular question. Amanda asks if she should cut back on her dressing in order to help the problems in the marriage. But Amanda's dressing does not seem to be the actual problem. According to her the SO is carrying around childhood trauma that prevents the development of a close bond that both want, or say they want.

Dressing is not the solution or the problem. It is a useful sideshow, but not useful in the sense that negotiations over it will have any lasting effect on the real problems in the marriage. The SO dealing with childhood trauma might and relationship counselling might but this does not seem to be an issue that has much to do with the power dynamics between them or which compromising over the OP's gender issues will have much effect.

[MsVal]

In therapy my wife and I learned that the cross dressing was not the only, and not the most significant issue. It was just the thing that bought things to a head. Subsequent sessions have addressed both issues.

Best wishes
MsVal

[kimdl93]

Put the dressing aside and work on the emotional issues that are undermining your relationship. But do this with an appropriately skilled counselor, together and separately. Once you both have been able to heal those old wounds and set aside the emotional baggage, then you can face the matter of your CDing in a clear eyed and constructive manner.

[Marcelle]

Hi Amanda,

From what I read your rumination over discussing divorce has more to do with other issues than your dressing. If you are considering divorce, I would not recommend trying to address your dressing right now as she might see that as an attempt to get concessions by threatening divorce. If you feel you are at an impasse relationship wise I highly recommend discussing this with your wife both as a couple and through counselling. It sounds like you are both carrying some baggage (not CD related) which should be addressed. IMHO, work on your relationship first . . . if you can move forward to a happier place, then you can look at revisiting your dressing boundaries.

Hugs

Isha

[Krisi]

Asking strangers on the Internet for relationship advice is not a good plan. If you can't figure this out on your own, get professional help for both of you.

[Teresa]

Amanda I would agree with most of the other replies, the only point is do you have children ? Obviously this would make a big difference if you are considering divorce.
Many of us carry baggage from our childhood and hope marriage with the right person may bring us happiness, if you feel you can't work it out then it may be on the cards. Your CDing is a separate issue so you need to get you basic marriage problems sorted before complicating it with CDing. Your wife may then be able to deal with it knowing you both are happy to stay married.

[CynthiaD]

I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do. It doesn't hurt to ask for input, but ultimately the decision is yours alone. I've contemplated divorce many times, but the thought that stops me is this:

I can divorce my wife, but I can't divorce myself. If I'm the problem, then divorce isn't the answer.

[Annaliese]

At this point, be up front and tell her how you feel and that things can't go on the way they are, something has to change, it not health for both of you. Dressing is a part of who you are so it has to be part of the equation.