When I first went to see my therapist I thought this would work differently.
I guess I had the idea that it would be more like a diagnosis: I'd see her for as long as needed, talk about how I "feel", and at some point she'd be able to tell me that I either have GID or I don't.
Obviously it doesn't really work that way. After 7 sessions I told her that I wanted to start hormones, and the next session she simply told me that she didn't see any reason not to give me my letter.
I know that HRT is far from a point of no return, but I still found myself going between joy and panic over the past week.
The thing is, I just don't feel like I am a woman. I've asked myself whether I am a man or a woman- psychologically, on the inside, or whatever- a thousand times and I have no answer. To me, it seems like such a ridiculous question. I'm myself and I feel like myself. I don't have a strong internal sense or an objective measure of being either, so I'll never know the answer. I'm frustrated because now I understand that no one can validate this for me. That concept might have come up a thousand times already here but it really is just now starting to sink in for me...
I really hate being a man. I don't want to be a man. But does that mean I'm a woman? I've believed before that I think like a woman, and do certain things like a woman, but even if those were verifiable facts and not beliefs they wouldn't mean that I'm a woman either. I know that I've gone most of my life pretending to be someone that I'm not, but I'm sure that's not something that's limited to the world of transsexuals and I've been pretty insecure too (did I mention that it doesn't mean I'm a woman?).
Last time I was talking to my therapist, a past relationship came up. She asked me how I felt about being in a relationship knowing that my body was "wrong". Huh? I have some strong feelings about having the body I have, but I'm not sure I can empathize with literally thinking "hmm this should be there and that shouldn't be here", if that's even what she meant. Honestly, if I was being myself all the time I'd stroll outside looking exactly as I do now- except with probably less hair, different clothes, and a little makeup on. But that's not really an option, is it? And that means that my reasons have to do with other people as much or more than any sense of my identity right?
So maybe I'm just a gender-confused crossdresser that hates being a man so much that I ended up here. I really don't know. It's just maddening to me to have gone off and gotten the best help I can get right now, only to realize that I'm back at square one with my thinking. I still have a very long ways to go I guess... I just don't know what I could do that could make me understand better. Or if I'll ever be able to identify myself to anyone else with any authority. I guess to sum it up I can't help thinking that these feelings (or lack thereof) indicate that I'm on the wrong path.