I don't hate being a man

[GabbiSophia]

In response to the quote but I didn't want to highjack the thread.

That seems a very strange thing to say to me, I can't imagine considering transition without the unhappiness of being a man? If you can live content enough as a man never ever think of transition again.

Becky I do not hate being a man, I do not hate my life, and I actually do just fine in both. That doesn't mean I don't have this damn GD thing. I hate it and as far as I can tell you do not have to hate being a guy to transition. Though my therapist tells me that it would make it a whole hell of a lot easier. I have come to the place in my path where I understand things about myself and I have to deal with them just as Kaitlyn says "as a medical condition". Otherwise I would be in the life boat all by myself by now. This slow process has lead me to a ton of self understanding.

Lea also said in a post "You will reach the place where what you want has to give way to what you have to do" .. it's not exact but close enough. I have to do what I have to do and in fact about a week ago my brain is getting really tired of living this way. I am ready to move on and I will hear the I told you so 's but I understand the comment you will know when it's time. I am in the mist of driving it down just so I can get a plan together that is faster then the one I had.

So you see GD doesn't care if you hate yourself or like yourself and IMHO it doesn't make you any less of a transsexual either.

I have read others that have somewhat the same feelings.

[Rogina B]

In response to the quote but I didn't want to highjack the thread.



Becky I do not hate being a man, I do not hate my life, and I actually do just fine in both. That doesn't mean I don't have this damn GD thing. I hate it and as far as I can tell you do not have to hate being a guy to transition. Though my therapist tells me that it would make it a whole hell of a lot easier. I have come to the place in my path where I understand things about myself and I have to deal with them just as Kaitlyn says "as a medical condition". Otherwise I would be in the life boat all by myself by now. This slow process has lead me to a ton of self understanding.

With the risk of sounding mean..I think you should "curb your newfound enthusiasm"....Seems to me it is way too premature to draw conclusions.You need to actually do some real life exploring.. But that is just my opinion.

[Michelle789]

You don't need to hate being a man to be a woman, and hating being a man doesn't mean you are a woman. Yes it is true that lots of transwomen hate being men, but not all of us did.

Have you tried presenting out in the real world as a woman? This might help you to decide.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey of self-discovery.

[Bryn]

How do you define GD? Just going by a wiki definition I found it's "significant discontent with one'a assigned sex and/or the gender roles associated with that sex". I don't know how good that definition is but to me it would imply that you can't experience GD and at the same time not be, at the very least, unhappy with some aspect of being a male.

I also don't see how hating being a man necessarily equates to hating yourself, especially if you think that might not be your identity.

[becky77]

I wouldn't say I hated being a man as I didn't know anything other than being male, its not that simple, maybe I hated being a person that was at odds with the world.
For me I hated/hate anything masculine about my body, I didn't fit with the other boys at school, had only one friend who also bullied me, always felt uncomfortable and underconfident as a guy. My self esteem was zero.
I'm much more at ease in female company with female conversation.

For me the single worst environment is a stag do, so unbelievably uncomfortable in everyway, I managed to avoid most and my brothers one was away for a few days, the first night was so excruciatingly difficult for me. I said I was sick for the second night and stayed in bed listening to my iPod.

The fact you say your life is pretty good and you do just fine, added to the fact the hormones haven't helped, possibly made your GD worse? Better? Or no difference?
I don't know what the answer is for you but transition may makes things even worse.

It's easier for me, my life wasn't alright and I wasn't so so about being a guy. The HRT had a huge positive effect and the more I live as myself the happier and more confident I feel.
I have doubts of course, sometimes you have to switch all the noise off and listen to your heart, I swear this transition thing is all about feelings rather than rational thought. There is nothing rational about transitioning.

[GabbiSophia]

With the risk of sounding mean..I think you should "curb your newfound enthusiasm"....Seems to me it is way too premature to draw conclusions.You need to actually do some real life exploring.. But that is just my opinion.

I have done what I can to curb it Rogina and I stopped the hormones and the crap that came from doing that sucked. Since starting hormones I truly understand what I was going through daily because it took that away and when I stopped, even for a couple days, it was terrible. Real life exploring is an everyday thing that I think about. Always the same thoughts of what am I am doing and if I am just going to ruin my life all day everyday. Then I always come to the same conclusion.. I want to transition but I am just really good at burying it under my work load or some other coping mechanism. This is the part where it is me and no one else holding me back. I think all the time that this is some fantasy and that I need to stop before I ruin my life... yet I can't and do not want to.

I do believe I can say that I haven't done any of this to this point well. Denial is a bit$% but I can say that my thoughts have changed. I do not hate being a man. I hate the fake life that I am living right now and I recognize it finally. I feel like I am stalled out and just going through the motions. Everyday is the same thing and that by definition is insanity. So no being a guy I don't hate but I am starting to hate the male foundation building that goes with living each day like this. I find myself not wanting to be around those that cause me to not allow me time to be me and this scares me a lot. So there is hate... I hate what I am going through emotionally and as I understand it that is my GD.

Also I wouldn't call it enthusiasm at all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are running circles around yourself in your head... hating your day to day grind of an empty fake life (sound lovely !!) because you are a man is the same thing as hating being a man...

The perks around living a male life to me were all about not rocking the boat.. it wasn't that I liked my maleness...it was that I had resigned myself to it, and life wasn't so bad for many years... then it got bad, then it got worse

that was just the GID creeping in... and so like I always say...get out of your head... keep experimenting...be patient...it will all come around for you if you can't get there yourself.... any by "it" I mean that you will mitigate your GID enough to function or you won't...and if you won't, then you'll find yourself doing what it takes...

in this time period don't think that people around will not notice that you can't stand to be around them.

[LeaP]

...The fact you say your life is pretty good and you do just fine, added to the fact the hormones haven't helped, possibly made your GD worse? Better? Or no difference? ...

I don't know what the answer is for you but transition may makes things even worse.

... I swear this transition thing is all about feelings rather than rational thought. There is nothing rational about transitioning.

It's not clear to me if you (Gabbi) are on hormones or not at the moment. Did you stop temporarily, permanently, are back on again?? What was that about?

I agree that transition can make things worse. Aspects of my life are hell in a handbasket, but at least it's my basket.

I fully agree that the drive toward, and need for transition isn't rational. Over time this has only become more clear. It comes from a place within that's unreachable. Transition itself, though, ought to be rational. In this context, Gabbi, that means you haven't reached a point where need and action are one. That's OK, just recognize that you are spinning in circles, as Kaitlyn says. The way out of that, whatever your path or resolution, is experimentation for now. The risk in that is hurting or deluding yourself, so if you don't have a decent therapist, get one. The advice you'll get here on that isn't timely enough enough, probing enough, in-person, or sufficiently engaged to help to the degree needed.

... hating your day to day grind of an empty fake life (sound lovely !!) because you are a man is the same thing as hating being a man...

The perks around living a male life to me were all about not rocking the boat.. it wasn't that I liked my maleness...it was that I had resigned myself to it, and life wasn't so bad for many years... then it got bad, then it got worse

... you will mitigate your GID enough to function or you won't...and if you won't, then you'll find yourself doing what it takes...

... don't think that people around will not notice that you can't stand to be around them.

i have variously been described as aloof, distant, uncaring, intimidating, aggressive, and other equally unpleasant things. Not here and there - most of the time. The most frequent comment in my job reviews is that I intimidate people. I have had people I LIKE say to my face things like "I know you don't like me, but ..." It's not that I can't stand to be around them, it's that I can't stand to be "myself" (male me) around them.

Still, it's changed already in so many ways with hormones and ADs. People smile at me, seek me out, stop by, go out of their way to talk to me. I've become someone they WANT to have around. I was at another department's off-site meeting a few days ago. Turns out I was one of two, of the thirty-five in attendance, that was invited from outside. That is so foreign to my experience that it floored me.

So yes, they will notice you can't stand to be around them, and it can change dramatically. I still can't figure out why they smile at me so much. I don't think I'm DOING anything differently.

Watch out with the "not disliking" (such a lukewarm description!) your male life thing. That can turn to not only the resignation Kaitlyn described, but to fear of loss and desperation. You should be concerned about loss, of course, but it should not be allowed to grow to where it drowns you psychologically and traps you.

I tend to agree that you will find yourself doing what it takes, but only at a certain level of intensity. Short of that, people can and do become trapped, leading to the permanent resignation and sadness Anne Vitale describes in her stages of life.

[Anne2345]

Gabbi, first of all, my heart goes out to you. You have been around here for a while now, and have written much about your pain and struggle with your GD. Working through these issues is not an easy thing. Quite the opposite, as we all know. Doing these things is incredibly hard, difficult, and painful. And really, no matter where the pain comes from, pain is pain is pain, and pain just plain hurts.

Throughout this process, though, as evidenced by your previous postings, you have been conscientious about trying to get to the root of its cause, and figure this stuff (and yourself) out. All of which constitute very positive and necessary steps. As you know, and as is true across the board with life in general, it is necessary to put in the hard work and dedication required to achieve goals and an end. Nothing comes easy in life, and nothing is for free.

And nothing is coming easy for you right now. But I do not think it is from a lack of work or dedication to the resolving the issues in your case, because you are quite clearly dedicated to "fixing" this, whatever *this* may be.

I have to do what I have to do and in fact about a week ago my brain is getting really tired of living this way. I am ready to move on and I will hear the I told you so 's but I understand the comment you will know when it's time. I am in the mist of driving it down just so I can get a plan together that is faster then the one I had.

I know you didn't mean it the way it sounds, but really, a week is not that long. It's great, though, that you at least have the foresight right now to recognize that you *need* a plan. When I was flailing around out of control a few years ago in the chaos of my own GD, I had absolutely no plan whatsoever. Instead, I would come here to this forum and fill this section up with pain-filled post after pain-filled post.

Members advised that I should develop a plan. It was funny, though, because I thought I had a plan. I was in therapy, I was taking meds for my GD related depression, I was writing about these things here, and I was researching the crap out of anything and everything I could get my hands on. Well, as it turned out, and as members told me back then, then wasn't much of a "plan." Hell, it wasn't a plan at all. What I was doing basically was the absolute bare minimum possible to keep my ship floating. Except that my ship kept sinking, faster and faster and faster.

The thing is, though, that it wasn't because I wasn't dedicated to the hard work necessary to see this through. Rather, it was because I was utilizing all of my time, attention, and energy all in the wrong places.

You have written recently in the past about HRT, laser, going out, and other such things. However, these posts from you appear to come out of the blue, just randomly. Almost as if you are simply just desperate to try something, anything, which I am sure you are. But it doesn't really pay off to just throw a bunch of random stuff up against a wall and hope something sticks. Believe me, I have been there, done that, and am soooooooo guilty of doing such things myself. Lol.

From what I have seen from your posts, my biggest take away is that you are afraid, and that you are completely full of fear. Which is okay, because we ALL have been there, done that, and can easily relate to the fear I believe you feel.

Fear, however, can be absolutely debilitating. It can cloud the issues, twist your thoughts, and strip you of all rationality and reason. Under the influence of fear, it can have you believe that up is down and left is right. Fear is the top dog school yard bully out on the playground. And for me, it was not until I began to address my fear, and to address it earnestly and begin the process of standing up to it and defeating it, that I was able to move forward and make progress.

For you, for example, you wrote a few months ago about how you had your house to yourself for an entire week, and that you wanted to go out as "you." In the end, you wrote that you "chickened out," and did not go out. In this, you caved in to your fear, and in so doing, you fed into it even further, thereby unintentionally making it all the more stronger.

Just a question, but have you over come that particular fear? Have you actually gone out yet as "you?" But please do not confuse my question. It relates more to your fear in general than it does the actual exercise of going out in public for the mere sake of going out in public.

But to *that* point, as Kaitlyn (who you cited in the OP) has said time and time again - it's all about collecting data. So these things ARE necessary for reasons other than just getting past your fear. You need to KNOW and EXPERIENCE these things.

And this is where planning comes into it all. For me, and at the urging of some of the members here, I started going out more and more. I joined and began attending in person TS support group meetings. I met and have forged meaningful friendships with other TSs. I began HRT, laser, and a serious weight loss program designed to further feminize my body as I transition. I am working on my voice, working on family issues, and so on and so forth. But all of these things I do, and that others here do, is the result of planning. There is little that is random or spur of the moment about these things.

Sure, my planning is anything but perfect. And there are some serious holes in some of my planning. But the further I go, the more data I collect and analyze and apply, the better I become at adapting my plans to fit my needs.

None of this, however, would be possible for me had I not first addressed my fear, and gotten control of it. Which is not to say I am not still afraid, or do not have fear, because I am, and I do have it.

But make no mistake - you WILL FAIL if you allow your fear to control you. Get your fear under control, and then you're completely in the game . . . .

FWIW, there's my two cents worth. I could be completely off base, I may be completely wrong, who knows?

Just keep your head in the moment. This is not an exercise in speed and quickness. It's about getting it right, and sometimes it's beneficial to slow down, take some time, and really get into the nitty gritty dirt and mud of it all . . . . .

[becky77]

From what I have seen from your posts, my biggest take away is that you are afraid, and that you are completely full of fear. Which is okay, because we ALL have been there, done that, and can easily relate to the fear I believe you feel.

Fear, however, can be absolutely debilitating. It can cloud the issues, twist your thoughts, and strip you of all rationality and reason. Under the influence of fear, it can have you believe that up is down and left is right. Fear is the top dog school yard bully out on the playground. And for me, it was not until I began to address my fear, and to address it earnestly and begin the process of standing up to it and defeating it, that I was able to move forward and make progress.

So true, fear is the biggest enemy to face. I remember those first times out, the anxiety, fear, feeling that the world is staring at you, it was like you just want to hide away for ever! It wasn't fun it was punishing mentally, but at some point like a lightswitch going on you just lose it, it rears it's head from time to time but once conquered your confidence flourishes. As you show more confidence and belonging you blend in easier.
I had to make myself get to that point, stare fear in the face and carry on regardless.
I remember clearly the turning point I went to a shopping mall on my own, took me some time to get out of the car. Once inside I tried to concentrate on shopping but it's very hard, feels like every eye is on you. After a while I went back to my car to get my head together, I wanted to just drive away but I made myself stay and feel the moment, soak in the fear and experience. Then I went back in, this time it was different something had changed.

Fear works like this, I clearly remember many years ago going rock climbing, I was halfway up when the vertico hit me hard. I just sat the on a ledge my anxiety suddenly through the roof.
I had two options let them get me down somehow and taste defeat or sort myself out. I made myself look at where I was, made myself look down, up, assess the situation, analyse what was happening, dicover just what it was that I feared and it was nothing?
I was very much safe from harm, then suddenly 'pop' my adrenaline depleted and my fear subsided. I came down on my own and my fear of heights was never able to control me again.

[GabbiSophia]

Anne you kinda cross checked me and i thank you. Yeah its fear i am not sure how to make it just go away but will try a step at a time. I didn't realize how frozen i am. I am going to make a small step as i have a 3 month check up and i will go as me. I have talked myself out of it at least 100 times already but I am trying to face the fear. I see what i need to do to try and understand my fear and it's scary but hell life is short lol..

starting to understand the circle i am keeping nyself in and i know I need to do
something about it.

i didn't realize how frozen with fear i am. I t h ought i faced them and after some alone time i realize how frozen i am.

[Rachel Smith]

in this time period don't think that people around will not notice that you can't stand to be around them.

Do you think it's because they realize we don't like being around them or that we don't like being around ourselves?

I mean really do you like being around people that are sad, depressed and at most times distant? What transition has done for me is made me a happy, outgoing, and more of a social person. Now people are happy to spend time with me because I am no longer a downer. Pre-HRT and transition I was not like that. I think they would have liked me just fine before if I had liked myself.

[Michelle789]

As you show more confidence and belonging you blend in easier.

Exactly. I had heard this from another transwoman who goes to my church. She described blending is exuding confidence and being able to interact with the world in a normal manner.

[Randi_TGFM]

For me, being male has always been role playing. I didn't mind the role, but it feels much better to be female. Some day I will be able to let go of the need to play the male role, then I will be just me.

[Badtranny]

Just for the record, I'm going to openly challenge the concept that transitioners must hate their birth gender.

I didn't and I don't. My name changed on 7/12/12 so I've been living full-time (legally and permanently) since then and last year I got a new job at a place who never knew the old me. I would say, my social transition is complete and at the 2 year mark, I can also say that it was the right thing for me to do.

I am happy now, but I COULD have continued living as a dude with no real problems outside of a vague dissatisfaction with life. My life as a straight man was intolerable, but my life as an openly gay man was much better by every measure and would have been easily tolerable if I had never discovered what my 'real' issue was. For me, it was not a 'life or death' decision. I hadn't seriously considered suicide since I was an adolescent and clearly it was a half hearted attempt because I'm still here. The idea that a transitioner MUST get to the point of manic desperation before they get 'the blessing' is not just a wrong one, it's a dangerous one.

I still think a gender transition should be approached with a clear head and even though it's a completely irrational thing to do, one must not make these decisions irrationally.

[SassySal]

I am happy now, but I COULD have continued living as a dude with no real problems outside of a vague dissatisfaction with life. My life as a straight man was intolerable, but my life as an openly gay man was much better by every measure and would have been easily tolerable if I had never discovered what my 'real' issue was. For me, it was not a 'life or death' decision.

I am curious if you would allow for a difference between 'an openly gay man', who has altered their gender presentation, and what has often been referred to as a "classic" or "true" transsexual, for whom a complete and total physical transformation, (IE: SRS), is in fact, a matter of 'life or death'.