Need some advice

[Aubrey lee]

Close to three years ago I went through a messy break up and shortly thereafter came out to my family as been transgender. I then sought out therapy which helped but did not lead to any definitive answers regarding my gender identity(therapist did not really help). I felt as though I was letting my family down. I felt ashamed that I experienced these feelings my entire life. I must be wrong right. I tried to put all of it behind me and move on with my life. I am now 28 years old in a stable relationship with a successful career. I feel empty. my partner accepts me for who I am but I feel as though I am lying to her every day. I don't even know where to begin with my current situation.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have to find another therapist. It's not just that simple, but its a first step that will help you "frame" your thoughts and hopefully get your mind into a place where you can think rationally and constructively about your situation.

[Jorja]

I totally agree find a new therapist. When looking for this therapist tell them exactly what you told us. "I am now 28 years old in a stable relationship with a successful career. I feel empty. my partner accepts me for who I am but I feel as though I am lying to her every day. I don't even know where to begin with my current situation."

All therapist are not created equal. Make sure to explore their background. Make sure they have experience with Trans issues. Think of it like you are hiring a contractor to renovate your kitchen for example. The more experience and actual work they have done the better they are going to be and more likely more able to help you.

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts! Add to that, IMO you need to admit and accept all of the many facets of who you are before you can really move on with your life. Perhaps the new therapist will guide you onto a better path. Enjoy.

[sandra-leigh]

The gender therapist should not really be telling you what your gender identity is, but rather should help you explore what it is and what you want to do about it. When you get to the point where you say, "I am going to be this whether the world likes it or not", then you will know what your gender identity is.

[Nigella]

I have to agree with Sandra. YOU need to find yourself first. I am not able to really comment on the benefits of therapy as in the UK, the system is very much different in that we are automatically directed to a gender therapist once the initial screening has been done. Having said that Jorja's advice is very sound, your country still has it's cowboys, make sure your therapist is not one of them.

[sandra-leigh]

Aubrey, imagine a situation in which you were able to choose how you would live and your family was okay with it. In such a situation, what would be the varieties of identities that you currently suspect might well "work" for your internal self, that you would be in a state where you did not feel you were "living a lie" ? I say "varieties" knowing that you might possibly have a fairly firm idea of what you need, but that possibly instead you might currently think "Oh, I don't know that I would need <such and such>, but I might change my mind about that as time goes on" ?

For example, I don't know that surgeries beyond implants would mean anything to me internally. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't, and I don't have the feeling of "living a lie" without them. It would be different if I had the feeling that there was a beautiful woman hiding inside an ugly male shell, or perhaps if I had grown up knowing that I was female and calling upon God every night to fix the mistake in my body. You will have a different feeling than I about what you need to be yourself, and about what you would like to do but would not feel to be "living a lie" without.

[danielleb]

Clearly you already know why you feel "empty" or you wouldn't be here asking about it. I'd suggest that you take whatever big leaps you think you can at this point. If you risk nothing you'll gain nothing. Every day makes a difference at your age. If you feel like you can go to a support group that would be my suggestion. For the group I attended you didn't have to come dressed if you weren't comfortable with that yet, it was just a good forum to open up and talk about things that you otherwise would not with people that could understand where you are coming from. Meeting other people who have or are wrestling with gender identity like yourself is going to move you a lot faster than simply contemplating the idea in your head. They likely would be able to point you in the direction of a reputable therapist who can provide you what you need. I've seen a number of therapists over the last couple of years (more than 10) and in every case I had to be a teacher of some variety because they just don't have the experience. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what is going to work for you!

[becky77]

My brother recently was off work for stress, five weeks it took him.
About a month later he left his wife saying maybe it wasn't work (even though he hated it still), but life at home, perhaps he could cope better at work if he was happy at home.
He says he hasn't been happy for ages, he feels empty inside like something is missing and he doesn't know what it is. His self esteem is at a low and he has put on a lot of weight. Also he described how he has been playing a role most of his life, where often he is being the person he thinks he should be rather than just himself.

Many of the feelings he described I understood they sound so very similar. I couldn't help wonder had he been at all interested in crossdressing would he be questioning his gender identity?

I have no idea what is wrong with my brother he has had a lot of therapy. But I wanted to point out that the emptiness doesn't have to be gender related.
We are not unique to these feelings, sometimes I think we might blame too much on our GD.

[Brianna_H]

Aubrey, thank you for opening up and sharing your struggle. If that is you in your avatar, it makes such a strong contrast with the despair in your post. I have felt that emptiness, but also felt it melt away when I dress up and smile. There are some other things in life that make me that happy, playing music and roleplaying games.

From the vantage point of someone in their 40s, can I just tell you that the longer you wait to find your happiness, the more miserable you will be. I know it seems like such a mountain of stress and struggle, but I want to encourage you to be you and love yourself. What good is money, a job, and a relationship, if you are hurting and hiding who you really are?

There's been a lot of great advice here. A good therapist will help for sure. But at some point you've got to give yourself permission to be you. Where are you located, generally? If your lady really loves you for who you are, she will at least try to understand. The bottom line, is that at some point you have to live your life in a way that you can accept and embrace. Don't waste time being miserable. Life is too short.

I'm not saying throw it all away overnight, just that you give yourself permission to find your joy. There will be challenges, but you will also find new relationships, and open up new vistas of experience, if you can learn to love and accept yourself.

All the best to you. I wish I'd understood myself so well at 28. Please keep us posted and reach out any time you need some support.