Can we truly stop? (All responses welcomed)

[Marcelle]

Seriously...We need to stop denying all other forms just because it doesn't fit yours.. Definition..http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction

Hi Lucy,

I am assuming this is aimed at me? Firstly I am not denying anything or trying to make it "fit" my definition. I am providing a counter argument to RD's questions. Besides are you not doing the same thing? Here is my definition and it is right on? Funny thing about definitions, you can find a million of them on the internet. I will point out that your definition speaks to the addiction causing "trauma". I have never felt any trauma from CDing. This thread is not about "who is right or who is wrong" it is about discourse and discussion. You are more than welcome to express your POV "it is an addiction" and I would expect the same politeness of being able to counter that view with polite discussion.

First, I don't think one answer fits all. People crossdress for different reasons and the intensity varies among individuals . . . If IT is an integral part of a personality, then we have to define "IT". Is it a female identity (TS)? If so, then why is it acceptable to have a male body and a male life? Or is it a thing for clothes (for some) or for femininity (for others)? Wanting to be feminine is quite different than having a female gender identity . . . Or is it an identity not as a TS but as a crossdresser in its own right (a male who dresses)? If so, then again can we say there is a female gender identity involved? I mean, do crossdressers really have Gender Dysphoria (a conflict between physical sex and gender identity), if they do not wish to make any changes to their bodies and they are happy in their male lives?

And for the life of me I cannot understand the late bloomers, the ones who say they had no clue before their 40s, 50s, or even 60s, although I do understand having repressed this for years and perhaps having it come out only in fantasy until such point when it could no longer be repressed.

PS. Willpower plays no part in recovering from addictions to drugs or alcohol, and sex, porn, over-eating, gambling, shopping, or other compulsions if the compulsions are severe.

Hi Reine,

I agree that no one reason for CDing fits all people who do so and we each have our own reasons for starting and some can, may and will stop at some point in their lives. I think you are on the right path when you talk about identity. Do I identify as a "woman"? No, I identify as a male (my gender). But the other question is what is gender identity? Is it about your physical sex? How you present to world? How you act, talk, walk? I believe (and I cannot speak for any TS folk) that for them it is about not being the correct biological sex and having to correct that in order to be who they were meant to be. My identity is male, I was born male, am happy male and will die male. But identity is not a singularity and we all take on various identities in our life. There is "boy me", "military me", "husband me", "sports me" and "girl me" however the core of my identity is the same "me" and each of these identities make up who I am. Do I have some form of gender dysphoria? It is possible and my therapist tends to agree that I manifest some aspects of mild GD. Does it mean I need to transition or will transition? In my case no. Just because you have it does not mean you will immediately transition. For me, I have been able to find balance between the identities (including Isha) and bring them into harmony. I do like the concept of "dual gendered" and perhaps since all CDers are not alike it is plausible that some have a CD identity which is integral and hence the reason why some even though they may never transition, will suffer emotional distress if they give that part of themselves up.

As for late bloomers, you may not get it and to be honest is still baffles me However, don't discount repression for whatever reason. I may have always known at some deep level but chose to ignore it and quell it with life. it doesn't mean it wasn't there . . .it was just dormant waiting for a trigger event. My therapist believes that my own understanding of mortality due to combat probably was the trigger. Specifically, my probability of dying was very high (came close once five years ago) and my psyche had to wrestle with "have I really truly lived my life to the fullest should I depart this mortal coil tomorrow?" This may have been the catalyst to bring this identity to the forefront five years ago as a small flickering flame of emotion only to grow into a firestorm last year. The mind is a funny place

Hugs

Isha

[daviolin]

Only when I die. Daviolin

[Coping2014]

But if a sane and healthy approach to life is the goal, then the answer would be no.
How can you, in honesty to yourself and with no ill after affects, simply dismiss that which is intrinsically a part of you?
You cannot.
The repercussions, whether felt consciously or not, will be present in the form of personality issues. You cannot simply repress things without them jumping out to bite you (or someone else) at some unforeseen time and place, sometimes with dire consequences.
That way madness lies.
Are there not enough crazy people in the world, already? LOL

Hello your comment leads me to ask a question that I have been wondering about - Short recap I'm new here - married almost 22 years and H came out to me in May and we are dealing with things. It started out rough and we have had a few issues but we seem to be ok for the moment. ANYWAY my question - early in the first few days he told me or well asked me to tell him my limits? I was VERY skeptical of this as I am one when they tell me not to I WANT TO even if I really didn't want to lol. Originally I refused to have any and after a bit of discussion and stating this is a way to show respect of the others feelings I allowed myself to make one - I only have one for him and that is in the bedroom I don't want it in our bed until we have a better handle on what it all is (if ever but I agreed to keep the door open to the conversation). But he has stated he wanted to me to set up how he could do this (or that is how I took the conversation) My concern with this is your comment "How can you, in honesty to yourself and with no ill after affects, simply dismiss that which is intrinsically a part of you? You cannot." I have seen many of the posts on here that the wife's do set the limits - if this comment is true than how can those husbands "truly be happy?"

I am curious of this because one I don't want my husband to resent me for anything but at the same time trying to balance his needs with my own - well it's a tricky thing. This has taken a LOT of talking and many more yet to come I'm sure of it. This forum is a great source of questions to ask that I didn't even think of it really aids us in putting words to our feelings when we can't - we can say here read this its IS or isn't me and what I'm feeling. My fear is if we can't balance things out - he claims he would never chose the CD over me, the kids, our marriage. But if what your saying is true then what he is saying isn't? I know all CDers are different and it is different things that motivate their needs and desires to it isn't a one size fits all answer but what I'm hearing is that a leopard can NOT change his spots? IF that is the case then there isn't a CDing husband out there that can compromise and truly be happy? I pray that is not the case while I don't want to shut the door on all his CDing ( I am loving this new him that he has become but the clothing things really has me baffled- he hasn't really revealed himself to me as of yet but we have purchased a bunch of stuff for him) I don't know how I will respond when he does, I think we are both scared of this. But I pray we can both find a compromise that we can both be HAPPY with - and your comment makes me wonder if this even exists?

Coping2014

[Alice Torn]

One thing is for sure! Each one is very complex, yet simple, and very simple, yet complex.

[Roxie]

Isha hope your feeling better and the answer to your question for Roxie is a simple NO can't and won't

[closetedcd60]

All I know is what is true for me. I am 60 years old and I have been dressing in lingerie since I was 7. I have tried to quit many times and my wife thought I did for a while, but, I think she has a pretty good Idea that I didn't. I can't pass and my wife hates the idea that I dress, so, there's no need for outerwear. I dress in just nylon panties, pantyhose, slips, bras, nighties and nightgowns when my wife is not here. If she is only going to be gone for the day, I have barely enough time to dress, enjoy the femininity of the lingerie for a short time, undress, clean things up if necessary and put things away Her stuff where and how I found it and my stuff gets hidden. Right now she is away visiting the grand-kids, so I get to dress as soon as I get out of the shower and dried off, stay dressed all day and decide whether or not to wear a baby-doll or a nightgown to bed. Right now, I am in absolute bliss! There is no rushing around to make sure things are put back quickly! The peacefulness within me is amazing. So, no, I will never quit dressing, this is my feminine side and how it's manifesting itself in me. I will never again try to stifle it except for when my wife is around.

[daphne g]

hi there
i don't think could stop or even want to
although this is a curse ,is a nice curse

i read the pervert cross dresser thread and thought how the might the others see us?
but what would they think if they knew how it was for us
i bet a lot of you feel the same way as i do, that this is not all fun and games
there are also a lot of aches and pains
if i had the the choice before ,i think id rather not be a cross dresser
but i didn't so let the games begin

[willow-the-wisp]

I have recently returned to c/dressing after 14 years. Not that I didn't think about it
but the circumstances were such that it would have been letting the secret out for sure.
Recently things have changed and I started again, with the same joy and contentment I
had before. Could I have Stopped entirely............I don't think so.

[Kate Simmons]

You have to have the will power of a Green Lantern to stop. Seriously though, these are very powerful urges to attempt to fight against. The only way I have found to truly manage them is to get totally in touch with my feelings and make it a total choice of whether to dress or not. This puts me in control and not the process. Of course, many may not want to control it as is sometimes evident here.

[Lucy_Bella]

Hi Lucy, You are more than welcome to express your POV "it is an addiction" and I would expect the same politeness of being able to counter that view with polite discussion.

Hi Isha.

Sorry if my reply came across rude IT wasn't my intent .... I was in a hurry and splatter a hasty response and should have been a little more thoughtful... I am still confused rather this thread is about T.G. or the act of x-dressing , you mentioned earlier that those are two in the same ...I respectfully disagree that they are and I will gracefully bow out of this thread to prevent any hijacking from your topic ..

[Ressie]

I did it - I quit! I dressed this morning, but that was the last time… really!

[Melissa_59]

To me, saying that we can be "cured" implies that there is something defective in us. You cure cancer. You cure the flu. You cure a lot, but those are things that are wrong with us.

I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me. I'm just different.

~Mel

[Alice Torn]

Mel, The truth is, that many, many people believe it is something we need a cure for, and that real men don't put on women's clothes, and that we are deviants. The pressure to stop, quit, abstain, on some of us is very strong, and intense. Strong pressure can make some want to quit. It is easier said that done. Some can and some cannot.

[Gillian Gigs]

I agree that it is not possible to lump all CD'ers into one bunch. Is it possible to quit, I see the problem with that being similar to quiting in another arena. Sometimes when a person wants to quit smoking, they also have to quit, for awhile, some of the other things that they are doing while smoking. By example, if a smoker wants to quit, then if there past time is to smoke and have a coffee, it is easier to stop smoking if they give up drinking coffee for a season. Those of us who have a strong connection between CD'ing and sex have a difficult time because of the close connection between the two. I get the urge to have sex, I can resist for only so long, before I feel that I am going to burst. During this time my mind rev's up to the idea of dressing up also. I can live without cigarettes, liquor, drugs, but not food, and the sex urge is always there also. Why is it so hard to keep the weight off, because we still have to eat. Why is it so hard to stop CD'ing, I'm talking for myself, because the urge keeps coming back. I freely admit that CD'ing and sex are so intertwined that it may be damm near impossible to separate them after so many years.
Anything is possible to those who believe they can do it. The mind, will power, is powerful, but so to are the fantasies of the mind, but which is more powerful. After traveling the same path for almost 50 years the wagon ruts get really deep. Something that has brought so much enjoyment is not easy to give up, just ask anyone who has loathed what they have been doing, but still keep going back to it. Most addictions cause great damage, for the most part my indulgences have hurt no one, but I say that knowing that I have an accepting wife who in her words says,"it's only a fetish".

[Nadya]

Very interesting topic! I'm sure there's no set answer to this question. I know from my personal experience that I can't ignore the need to dress. I've learned from purging that I needed to accept this part of myself because it wasn't to go away. I could use will power to ignore it for a time but eventually, I'll have to do it again. Some people have a stronger urge than others. I needed to accept this part of myself because it wasn't to go away.

[MelanieAnne]

Short answer, NO, we can't stop. Save yourself a lot of soul searching and anguish, and just accept it, and enjoy it. It's a lifelong thing. Plan accordingly.

[MeDeanna]

I think if CD'ing was among the accepted social norms, you probably wouldn't even ask the question.

Love ya,

Deanna

[CarlaWestin]

Great topic. Try this on. As crossdressers, do you think that, starting right now, you could stop un-crossdressing? Say your financial and societal acceptance situations were intact, could you stop male dressing and only dress fully female from now on?
Or would that inner tomboy just have to go full on boy? Hey, transmen, could you go back to skirts and lipstick and never look back?

As for the original question, I've had way too much emotional investment over the years to arrive at this ultimate level of, matter of fact self acceptance.
And what exactly does one do after a life of crossdressing. Sit around and reminisce? I mean, is there a retirement home for former gender explorers?

[meghan_eclaire]

Hi all,
New member here ^_^

I was browsing the forum and found this very interesting post and had to read it all.
I got into a relationship last year with the most wonderful woman, after a couple of weeks I came out and told her that I crossdressed. Her reaction was awesome and understanding and wanted to even see me dress. Dream come true huh?
Well, for some bizarre reason, I haven't dressed since. I've been dying to, though; I get incredible urges and a weird sensation in my gut/chest that i HAVE to dress.

I honestly don't think I can last much longer in "guy mode", so my answer to Isha's intriguing question; NO, i can't truly stop. Even when I'm not sure why I stopped in the first place, It's a part of me and one that is eager to escape when i cage it up.

Thankyou for reading my ramblings :P

Meg x

[Lacey New]

I hate to get too deep on this because there are a lot of theories about why people crossdress. Heck, I don't know the answer. I know I crossdress because I like to do it. It excites me and it is my guilty pleasure. But I also know that I have been cross dressing for a long, long time and I have purged many times only to build a secret wardrobe over and over and to sneak my pleasure whenever I can. So, despite many years of being in the closet and going through the hassle of hiding my CDing, no, I don't see myself quitting anytime soon. So, can I quit? I doubt it. Can "we" quit? As a member of "we", I don't think so.

[natcrys]

Ever since I moved out to go to university, I have crossdressed. There were periods with lots of occassions (usually during the lecture periods) and periods where I didn't dress at all (usually during the exams ). I never purged, because a) I didn't and still don't think I'm doing anything wrong and b) because I like my pretty things! So, I don't know what it's like to quit the act of crossdressing.

Could I quit the act of crossdressing for a considerable amount of time? Like in the order of months to a couple of years? Probably, if there was a good enough enough reason... stranded on an island, no money, war, stuff like that.

Would I be thoroughly unhappy? Yes.. like I would in any circumstance where I was not able to be who I intrinsically am. Just like I would be unhappy if I couldn't express myself in a musical way, if couldn't use my body in sportive manner or if I was not allowed to be a critical thinker (1984 anyone?). I can't explain wanting to pluck a few strings causing electric signals being distorted by an overdriven amplifier leading to oscillations in the air... or tapping beats with my hands on the table.. but it's something that's part of me.

And no, I don't think being a crossdresser is an addiction, unless above-mentioned things are addictions as well.

Being a crossdresser is who I am,... always.. forever.

[Melissa_59]

Mel, The truth is, that many, many people believe it is something we need a cure for, and that real men don't put on women's clothes, and that we are deviants.

Many people in the US today also believe that the Sun revolves around the Earth (which I thought was disproved many times but leave it to the ignorant).

At one time people believed that there were sea monsters that ate ships, and they thought the Moon was made of green cheese. There is a huge portion of the population that thinks that the Great Wall of China is visible from space (even though the reality of it is that without a HUGE camera you can't see it even from LEO). There are folks that believe that old hooey that we were taught that different parts of your tongue respond to different tastes (sugar on the front, salt on the sides, etc - and it's hooey!).

There is also a huge following of "the Earth was flat until Columbus proved it was round" - again, utter balderdash. The ancient Greeks knew it was round, and one of them (can't remember his name off the top of my head) actually computed the Earth's circumference by using a shadow stick, two measurements in Egypt and mathematics and came to within a couple hundred miles of the real distance!

People used to think the Earth was the center of the universe - almost everyone on this planet was absolutely convinced that was right, and when someone spoke up about how wrong they all were he was excommunicated from his church.

Should we just kowtow to "common knowledge" then? After all, if so many people are convinced of it...

Sorry, but I won't give in to them. They're wrong - they have no idea what I feel or how I feel, they're not in my mind or body. There is nothing broken in me that needs to be cured. The mass of people are wrong all the time. And they're wrong about this too.

I'm just different.

~Mel

[paulaprimo]

i'll quit when they pry my purse from my cold dead hands...

[ArleneRaquel]

I have stopped and started up again inthe past. Now that it is 10 years that I have attired as a lady 24/7 I see no return to stop & starting. I love living this way.

[Tina_gm]

If it is purely a matter of dressing, than yes, anyone can quit. I mean, its just clothing. Maybe we won't feel how we want to feel, or look how we want to look, but yes certainly we can quit. And maybe the circumstances in our lives at a given point do not make it good for us to dress. And we don't during those times, so further proof that we can quit. Will the desires quit? the feelings of femininity or our wish to express it quit, no. Those are a part of us.