How to tell my new girlfriend

[NatalieGirl]

Hello:

I wanted to see if any of you CDs have some ideas about how to approach this matter.

I have a new GG girlfriend. We have been dating for a couple of months now and have really hit it off. We are both in our fifties.

She knows that I have long coloured/striped hair in a girly hairdo. And that my earlobes are pierced and I often wear studs. But other than that, I have not told her about my crossdressing.

I suspect she may be ok with my dressing. And it is possible she may really love it. She said she really likes my hair. But I'm not at all certain she would be ok with me in a dress.

Any ideas on how to gently and gradually acquaint her with my occasional feminine wardrobe? I do not want to alienate her.

Thanks,

Natalie

[bridget thronton]

Be prepared for her questions, know what and where your dressing is going, and do your best to be truthful

[Jenniferathome]

Natalie, there is no "gradual" way to come out. None. Any partial attempt is a lie because it is not the whole truth.

"Sweetie, I have something I need to tell you. I feel like we are really hitting it off and there is something you should know. I am a cross dresser." Is where the truth starts. Then, "I'll bet you have a lot of questions but let me take a shot at the first two: I'm not gay and I do not want to be a woman. Would you like to talk about this?"

Bets of luck

[JocelynRenee]

Wow. Jennifer nailed it. The only thing I can add is to make sure your ember to support her as well as accepting her support. Good for you for taking this step early!

[LaurenS]

"Sweetie, I have something I need to tell you. I feel like we are really hitting it off and there is something you should know. I am a cross dresser." Is where the truth starts. Then, "I'll bet you have a lot of questions but let me take a shot at the first two: I'm not gay and I do not want to be a woman. Would you like to talk about this?"

WOW. could we put this on billboards and make it a national crusade?

[kimdl93]

It's always best to prepare your thoughts and expect surprises, even disappointments. Yes, your hair and piercings are a clue, but she may not have reached any conclusions. There are a couple of good links here that give hints or how to's for coming out...Jennifer's is as good as any. Check it out, then get down to business.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Natalie, Don't lead your new girlfriend into a long term relationship and them dump this on her, Do it early on
so she don't get hurt.

[Paula Siemen]

I hope your comming out to your GF ( now wife of 24 years) goes a little better than mine. We had been dating for several months and I guess I may have put out some clues (like wearing her bra during sex). So one evening we were at my place fixing dinner and I needed to go to the grocery store to fetch something we needed. Anyway when I returned and later that evening she popped out the question...Are you a crossdresser? I was shocked at her bluntness and the out of the bluewhere this camefrom. I learned early in my life that lying was not an appropriate option. I summed up all the courage I had and answered, Yes! At this point in time I don't recall all of the reaction but later she told me that she had consulted a councelor who helped her realize that CDing did not change the kind of person I am and we were able to move past this issue. It seems that while I was at the store she checked out my closet an saw all of my girl clothes (would keep my bras on the hangers like in the store). We currently have an open relationship regarding my dressing. I wear panties 24/7 and very often a bra under my shirt and even occasionly a dress or skirtaround the house. I do not do full fem in front of her unless there is a CD event that Im attendening by myself. I usually get to do the full fem gig when she is out of town. It works pretty wel for us.

[trishacd]

Yoy could lose her

[mykell]

never assume she knows or accepts, its a very emotional thing, be prepared for the worst and hope for the best,
she may not want to see you this way at first, offer a DADT relation if she is not totally comfortable with it, then it is her choice for how much or how little she will be involved/exposed to, build the relationship from there....

[MelanieAnne]

She knows that I have long coloured/striped hair in a girly hairdo. And that my earlobes are pierced and I often wear studs. But other than that, I have not told her about my crossdressing.

If she's OK with this, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

[Rachelakld]

For me, after I cooked her a meal, I told my GF that I have 1 slightly unusually hobby, as in I like to wear womens clothes.
She says "can I have a look"
I show her to my wardrobe which has classy (not sleazy) fem clothes and a wig - she then tried on a couple of items including the wig (just to see what she looked like as a brunette) we were both laughing hard for a long while.
With all the clothes changes, we at some point realized we were both closer to naked than clothed.

I still remember her smile from that evening.
She did a few days later, tell me she was expecting my secret interest to be a lot more violent or similar deal breaker, and was actually relieved it was only cross dressing.

I really got lucky and we have a wonderful combined family now.

While I expect your coming out will not be as easy, I hope it is.

[stefan37]

Just come out and say it. I have something to discuss. I have this need to wear woman's clothes. Then the ball is in her court. She may be OK with it or not. If she is not OK then you have saved both of you a ton of anguish and future emotional stress. There will be no need to hide and your relationship will be healthier and this is big, Honest and truthful.

Or you can hide your head in the sand and years later disclose and blow the while thing up.

[Paula_Femme]

"Sweetie, I have something I need to tell you. I feel like we are really hitting it off and there is something you should know. I am a cross dresser." Is where the truth starts. Then, "I'll bet you have a lot of questions but let me take a shot at the first two: I'm not gay and I do not want to be a woman. Would you like to talk about this?"

Yup, Jen pretty much nailed it! Tell your girlfriend now, before you both get more involved and invested in the relationship, and be prepared to be as open and as honest as is humanly possible!

Good luck to you BOTH!!!
Paula

[prene]

I agree with Jen's response. She is right on.
Be prepared for some questions. I have lost a few gf's when I came out but it is the right thing to do.

But for me a part of me wants to be a girl.

[Marcelle]

Hi Natalie,

If you are prepared to let your GF know (as you seem to be) then I would follow Jen's advice . . . out front and honest. Trying to integrate femme clothing or other aspects of CDing slowly will most likely not work. Now, not to be all doom and gloom, you state that your hair is more girly and you have pierced ears so you believe your GF will be into your CDing. IMHO that is a big leap as she may not even equate your hair to being girly and lots of men have both ears pierced these days.

So, be very sure this is what you want to share as once that bell is rung it cannot be silenced and her response may not be "cool . . . let's have a look" it may be the exact opposite. Not trying to scare you but sharing this information goes only two ways (acceptance on some level or departure).

Now before others pile on with " Isha, you are telling her to lie" . . . that is not my intent. We all know when it is the right time to tell our SOs (if ever) and that is a personal choice particular to each of our circumstances. If the OP is ready, she is ready . . . her choice. I just find there is a lot of "tell her and all will be well, a few questions and no biggie" sentiment here. We all know that is not always the way it goes. So I am providing both sides of the coin here, that is all.

Hugs

[Ressie]

Rather than coming out and saying, "I'm a crossdresser!", I prefer to have the topic of CDing (or something related to it) come up (somehow) to see the prospective GF's reaction to it. If the reaction is one of disgust, maybe she isn't the girl for you. If she reacts in a positive way, telling her will be pretty easy.

Since she likes your hairstyle and earings I would think she will be accepting of crossdressing too. Those two things have already broken the ice a bit.

[NatalieGirl]

Thanks to all of you for the helpfull advice.

Now that I think about it, I have already given her at least a couple more clues. I often tie back my long hair with a feminine scrunchy, and wear it on my wrist when its not in use. She has seen that lots of times. I also have a girly Vera Bradley wallet.

So, I know some of you don't like this idea, but I think what I will do is take things a step further and maybe carry a purse the next time I see her. I have several.

One thing I have to bear in mind is that my GG friend might soon find out on her own, without any further assistance from me.

[stefan37]

Stop beating around the bush and tell her. You want the relationship to last if it's to be. You have to be honest and communicate. Yeah it can be hard, but life is hard. If you don't tell her and she discovers later, in many cases it does not go well. Better she gets to make her decision early her own and save you both a ton of time and negative emotions. If she is accepting, and many are in the beginning. You can then dress without guilt.

[Teresa]

Natalie it sounds as if she doesn't mind feminine guys so she may be OK with your CDing . One slight problem is she may like you enough to see it through in the hope she might be able to change you ! So be ready for that one, maybe you will have to change a few things if you like her enough, if you end up with a good relationship maybe it will be worth it !

[sometimes_miss]

"Sweetie, I have something I need to tell you. I feel like we are really hitting it off and there is something you should know. I am a cross dresser."

If you want more success, it's better to admit to the action, rather than the being. If you tell someone that you crossdress, it's something you do, but hopefully in their mind doesn't define WHAT YOU ARE. You can move forward if that works. If not, you can always say it's something left over from a halloween event and you did it for kicks, and hope to distance yourself from the action. Example: you can kill someone, but not be a murderer, as it could be a one time event where you were pushed over the limit of control. But if you admit to being a murderer, you admit that you not only killed, but will kill again. I don't even know why I'm writing this, but it may help someone here. I know it's just semantics, but anything that might help.

[Beverley Sims]

Try the corny approach of I could wear that and look good.
Try a pair of her pierced dangly ear rings and check out her reaction from that.

[MelanieAnne]

I have this need to wear woman's clothes.

If you must come out, and I don't recommend it, I would not frame it as a "need". I would simply say you like to crossdress from time to time, but you aren't gay. You can downplay it to some extent, without being dishonest. I think it's the wrong approach to frame it as a big dark secret that you need to get out in the open. Then the girlfriend and potential SO sees it as a major need that she will have to compete with forever. You might even watch some porn together, and bring up some crossdressing videos, just to get her reaction before revealing anything.

[CynthiaD]

If you stay together it will almost certainly come out sooner or later. If things are getting serious, it's best to bite the bullet.