I purged.

[CarmenSkye]

I haven't posted on here in a long time and I've deleted my phot since. I'm going through a hard time. I need friends to take to. I feel alone. I don't know what to do. After almost 2 years of not dressing, I was able to finally retrieve my things (wig, clothes, make up) from a storage locker. I had the best time dressing up and chatting online with people. However, that is all because I was living in my apartment alone, my roommate has been out of town all summer. Recently he told me he was returning this week so out of haste and fear I threw out my stuff and donated what I could to Goodwill. I just got off the phone with him earlier today and told me he was actually returning in 2 weeks.. I feel so dumb and angry at myself. I feel like a part of me is missing right now. But I guess it's for the best as I am rooming with 2 people next year and the chance of being able to sneak around both of them is going to be difficult. I just wanted to vent I guess. Thanks for reading my whining and complaining. I just hate where I'm at right now.

[CynthiaD]

My condolences. I'm sorry you lost all your stuff.

Of course the real problem is your need (or perceived need, which is the same thing) to hide something that is, at worst, perfectly harmless. But, I know how you feel. My condolences.

[Jenny Gurl]

Sad you lost your things, but only you can decide what the results would be. Although feminine cloths can seem harmless to some who are in a position that someone discovering they are transgender is not a big deal, but others live in a more conservative area where it could be devastating. Sad in this modern age that a persons choice in cloths could cost them family, friends, a job, etc., but it is the case sometimes. Only you can make that decision. You can always buy more cloths and makeup, you can't unring the bell of being outed. Hopefully you will cope with it alright and get a chance to enjoy your new things when you are living in an environment that you feel more comfortable.

[Connie.Marie]

Carmen,
First welcome back! I'm guessing that we have all been where you are, having purged & kicking ourselves for doing it. There are times in life when this is easy & other times when this is harder. Realize that the easy time will come.

If you hate where you are, do something about it. You're the only one who can... Find a different place, different roommates, don't plan for life to be miserable.. I'm sure there are lots of ladies in WI that might be able to help..

Your signature says to "Purge in your direction" but nothing about the sizes that you need, nor where to send them...

Remember, You are NOT alone,,,,

Hugs, Connie Marie

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Carmen, You just got it out of storage, Why didn't you put it back in storage ??

[Stephanie47]

I went back and checked your introduction. I figure you are 2w1 now. That's an awkward age to have any degree of privacy. If you just entered the job market or you're at school, I assume you are not flush with cash. If you are at a college try to find a support group that would enable you to make friends who may be more established than you.

[Adriana Moretti]

ouch...throwing your stuff out is a bad look....lesson learned I guess ( we all have done it) ....good thing is you live...you learn..and you grow...now IF and when you decide to dress again ( probably) ...you can start over from the bottom...consider it a fresh start. with a new look, and a new attitude .i think we have all purged once or twice in our lives...not to mention you are young...and having a roommate definately puts a damper on things....next time I bet those things will go into storage again...and maybe think about options to get yourself some privacy to do what makes you happy ...like your own apt...or treat yourself to a hotel room once in a while to spoil yourself...or make local cd friends to hang with who are genuinely into dressing for the sake of dressing.........
Started from the bottom now we're here...........

[kimdl93]

Never do anything...anything...on impulse. 99.58% of the time you will regret impulsive actions.

[ArleneRaquel]

In the distance passed I purged on an impulse i gtreetted it and now I live 24/7 attired in female cloths & makeup.

[tammie]

HI Honey: Dont feel bad , i did it before I knew what it was called .

Ive done it since then and , once a crazy GF threw out all of my things in the yard and set them on fire .

Worse yet she left me and told all of my friends I was gay .

No one ever asked me if i was a CD or gay so i dont know if anyone believed her .

Ultimately I guess it didnt matter , just keep going to work , paying yor bills and no one will care .

Last of all shopping either online or catalogs or in person , it is the world of women to put up with hardship and still look good so .....

take time to decide what you want first , what will go together and as a bonus you get all new things that fit better and look great

Good Luck Honey

Where you are we have all been or we will be there someday

[Charla McBee]

Common experience says this isn't going to go away and the longer you do without, the worse you are going to feel. I only had to deal with room mates for the five years I lived on a college campus and managed to get my own lockable room for all but my first semester. When I was home on breaks I dressed up every chance I got but it wasn't enough. By the third year my family had moved to another state which forced a near total purge and I found myself smuggling a few items into my dorm and hiding them in my closet. I was a frat guy sharing a campus apartment with other frat guys so I was taking a massive risk but I really couldn't help myself.

After that my family moved again and I moved back in with them which began my only total purge. I tried to go cold turkey, I really did but in a manner of months I completely lost it, went out on an anxiety-laden public shopping spree and wound up on this site looking for support and answers. A few years later I've gone through another CD-related crisis that led to a ton of introspection. I finally allowed myself to ask why I had to do this, what was the driving force behind these intense desires? At 27 I've finally accepted that I am to some extent transgender and probably much further along the scale than I was ever willing to entertain.

I think that if you are the sort who like me, gets immensely depressed when you find yourself unable to dress, you owe it to yourself to do some honest soul-searching. You might not like what you find but you will feel better understanding the truth about yourself. You should also try and find someone in your life you can open up to about your struggle. I think doing that saved my life.

[Amanda_Robinson]

I have done it more than once and I have a supportive wife. I had the urge to throw out all my stuff again just recently because I had not used it in quite a while. But I know after two purges that 1) It didn't make me feel any better 2) I regretted it later.

The members of this forum have helped me a lot. I hope you find comfort in whatever you ultimately decide to do.
~Amanda

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Carmen, sorry to hear you have been going through hard times.
So you purged, nearly all of us have done it! don't feel badly about it.
What you did may be hard to realize, but it was true for me, the things I purged were not who I wanted to be. I didn't place enough value in those things to say that they were.
Of course there were other things going on that caused an irrational purge, but regardless those things didn't mean enough to me to hold on to them.
I'll bet you will rebuild your wardrobe at some point, and it will more than likely be more fitting to the real you.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Andrea Payer]

sorry to hear that carmen. i know how you feel. some years ago i moved back to my home town getting rid of all my female stuff. it's a small town and i thought i could never crossdress again but it didn't take long a i started to buy female stuff again. i keep my items in the trunk of my car or hide it in the basement because i'm also not living alone.

don't give up. you will find a way

[Amanda L.]

What an absolute catastrophe Carmen. I guess hindsight always has 20/20 vision but to get rid of the lot? I am at a loss for words. Only you know what was going through your head and why you made the choice you did, so I can respect your decision even if I don't agree with it. After reading all the horror stories about purging and the reasons for doing it I have learnt the 10 Commandments of Purging
1. If you are going to get rid of your gear don't throw it out, store it
2. Never purge
3. CDing is a part of our being so getting rid of the gear is not going to make the desire go away
4. Never purge
5. Panic purging may not be the best decision
6. Never Purge
7. Talk to others here before rash decisions are made
8. You'll regret getting rid of your clothes so..........Never purge
9. You end up repurchasing all your items anyway
and lucky last
10. Never purge
But don't beat yourself up over it, try and get back on the horse and do your best if it makes you happy

Seriously though never purge
Cheers
Amanda

[Alice_2014_B]

I purged about a dozen pairs of high heels way before I started fully cross-dressing.
Huge regret; there was one particular sexy pair that is no longer in production. Sounds odd, but I miss that pair a lot.

[Donnagirl]

Oh how many times have I throw out the most lovely, irreplaceable and so deeply missed items... Never again!!! That must be the catch phrase...

[Tina B.]

Miss Skye, you must explain, you just took it out of storage, and your first reaction was to throw everything out, instead of returning it to storage? Being young, and having to share an apt. does make it hard, but throwing away your stash is never a good answer. Sorry for your loss, but even sadder that you have had to give it all up so soon after rediscovering your feminine side. Hope you find time for yourself, I know how hard it can be to give it up.

[Chiana]

Like many, I shared an apartment in the past. And it is tough to enjoy absolute freedom under the circumstances. But I always kept everything hidden away when necessary. I've never purged. As a matter of fact, the other day I found the first lipstick I ever owned. Jeez, it has to be close to 60 years old now. I got it when I was just a youngster living at home. Living at home with your parents is truly limiting. I am surprised that you just didn't put it back in storage. Hopefully, with your friends on this forum you will start to feel better and get to enjoy yourself in the near future.

[MelanieAnne]

Rule number one! NEVER PURGE! Gets expensive replacing all that stuff. This is a lifelong thing. Plan accordingly.

[Nadya]

Many of us have purged before (I've only done it once) but we soon realize that it is a huge waste of money and time. When we purge, we aren't thinking clearly, we either panic or think we can just stop doing it and never go back to it. It's not easy to do this type of stuff in college or with roommates that don't know about it. Maybe things would be easier if you lived with someone that would accept you if you told them. Anway, I'm sure any of us understand and would be happy to chat with you if you needed to vent.

[Miss Interpretation]

Sorry to hear about your purge. Hopefully you are able to restore your clothes over time! I've purged twice and, like many of the other members have said, have always returned. Now, I occasionally throw away or donate clothes I no longer wear, but I keep the majority of my clothes in two neatly packed boxes!

Sorry to hear that you hate where you're at . Hopefully you get to a place where you love where you are soon!

[natcrys]

I'm sorry for the fact that you lost your pretty and nice stuff in the purge.

I just wonder why got rid of it in such a hurry.. instead of putting it back in storage??

I've never thought about purging, but even during those very rare moments of doubt.. it was the fact that stories like these (plus the inevitable regret) have been on the internet as early as 1993.. stopped me from doing anything drastic and irreversible.

Hope you find a way!

[Jodeeuk]

I put all my stuff in a few flight Cases, there for musical instruments and amps etc, but after the 10 years they were in there they didnt look to good and anything you use or your face etc, is well past usable, Purging isnt good, Take your time and build back what you need, Wear some discrete, undies, to get you through, and maybe have a talk to the people you share your living space with, most people to be honest dont care, and as long as your not hopping arround the house dressed as a cartoon princess, and rubbing it in there faces, Its not a problem

[Kitty215]

Sorry Carmen, as so many others have said I have been there too. Then regret sets in and you feel worse. I haven't been here long, but it seems like I found the place to come and be able to discuss these things. There are many members here that would be willing to listen and offer support, myself included. Best of luck in your situation and I hope it improves.