Hang 'em, or Hide 'em

[Coping2014]

If she is into jeans and tops, really casual, and, you're going to hang drop dead gorgeous LBD's and line up five inch pumps----well, I think you can envision some comments. Again, if she has been penny pinching due to family finances and your wardrobe represents a lot of $$$---well.

Also, a recent outing event without a blow up does not confer any degree of acceptance. I would not go over the top on this. A little caution will go along way.

Hey there - I was reading this thread and thought maybe you would like a GG's perspective but this comment above from Stephanie47 pretty much hits the nail on the head. My husband only recently came out to me (May 2014) and I can tell you that yes just because one day we are good with it doesn't mean that the next will be the same. It really fluctuates- I know that isn't fair, but it's the reality of it. I do WANT to be ok all the time with the CDing but to be honest sometimes it feels like a slap in the face. The comment above about the financial aspect is one example - I myself am a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal so seeing the money spent on this is hard. We are working on that but it is still a personal issue I have. He does have a few items in the closet and for the most part I don't mind but when it is front and center (on the edge of my stuff as to be hidden in plain sight from our kids) and I might be having a bad day or off with the whole CD thing it is kind of a hit to see staring back at me.

I would suggest talking about the fact of emotions fluctuating up front so you both know that it could happen and you're both ready for it. And not that I don't think that it is a slid back on our level of acceptance but more of a normal adjustment to our everyday emotions that tend to shift. I do think her offering is an olive branch of sorts but sometimes we love you all so much we may give a little more than we are ready for so don't be angry at us for shifting on our stance every now and again. We are trying but it's not always easy. Please remember that you have had a lifetime of trying to figure out and understand all of this and for most of it struggled with it and once you lay it out on the table for us we deserve time to soak it all in as well - it isn't gonna happen overnight - even thought we wish it would too. I so much wish that we were at a 'norm' so I knew what to expect everyday but he still doesn't know what is 'the norm' for him so it's a waiting game for us all I guess.

On a side note - I want to applaud many of you that can 'see' it from a GG's perspective. Sometimes I wonder if you even slow down enough to think of it sometimes. Always remember to use a little common courtesy - it goes a long ways ( and I will try to do the same!)

Coping2014

[CynthiaD]

Hang everything. Fewer wrinkles. Hiding stuff is a pain. Why do it if there's no reason to?

[Suzanne F]

Kristyn
I think hanging them all in the guest room closet is the right answer. It respects her space and feelings. It also says you are not ashamed. I think that is important for us also when dealing with our spouses. How can we ask them to be accepting if we can't ? We do need to go slow and communicate. We also need to communicate that we are beautiful loving people that have a wonderful twist! Remember the hiding is the wrong act not the dressing!
Suzanne

[Coping2014]

Kristyn, dear... I may still be in the closet, but I've been around women a while...

When your SO says "that's fine, I don't care..." you realise that's probably not what she means...?

I wouldn't come here to ask opinions on whether you should or shouldn't... (no offence, members.. ) go back to her and say: "No - there are some things that you get to make a call on - I don't want whether I do something or not to be a problem between us, so if you don't approve of something, we stay with the status quo..."

Let her know that she both has a stake and some control in how this works for both of you....

Katey x

Katey, I will give you credit, I do tend to do that. In my case though it's not because I have an issue but I may not KNOW that it will be (my testing the waters so to speak) But I REALLY do like your way of conversation - it leaves nothing to assume and we all need to take note of that and the not saying something when you want to as well. I have been a lot better about that - just saying or asking to be clear about something. I'm tired of waiting for the right moment to do it because sometimes as uncomfortable as some these conversations can be there really isn't a right time. Just do it - but do it with as much tact as you can. That can be tricky - my hubby and I have gotten better we tend to start our statements with "I'm sure I'm not saying this right but please hang with me for a minute until I get it out and together we can figure out HOW I should have said it." or "give me the benifit of the doubt I'm not trying to offend" But taking it slow and really listening helps.

Sometimes I wonder why some of you "you can't understand women" some of you sound like you may know us better than you think.


Coping2014

[bridget thronton]

Hang them - wife commented that it shows a healthy integration of both sides of my psyche (male and female clothes in the same place)

[JamieG]

go back to her and say: "No - there are some things that you get to make a call on - I don't want whether I do something or not to be a problem between us, so if you don't approve of something, we stay with the status quo..."

Love this! It's the right tone. It's not so much asking for permission as it is, "I really care what you think!"

Jamie

[joeb145]

Hang them up! Even put a pair of shoes in there! She might like your style and try them on!

[reb.femme]

I go with Katey (wise young owl), as your SO is interacting. She can at least dictate the pace (if that is the right phrase). Hanging them high straight off may bring about an unwanted response and invoke the Clint Eastwood quote from Dirty Harry, "You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well do ya girl?" ...........Minor change from the original.

Hope this acceptance continues to grow in strength for you both.

Rebecca

[Beverley Sims]

"That's fine".....
Means hang 'em for me.

[PaulaQ]

I'd counsel some careful consideration and caution here. My wife, while trying to come to grips with my transness, made a number of attempts to try to be more accepting, to be able to deal with me a little better. And on many of those attempts, she really failed, the worst being her request to see me fully dressed. (We split up shortly after that.)

People don't always know how they'll react to the reality of having a trans spouse. But each time they see a little more, it tends to be a make or break moment.

If you do hang them up and she seems to not be in a very good mood after seeing them, talk to her about it, and maybe back off for a while at that point. Each time "stuff got real" - that is some small thing changed, my wife had a really hard time of it.

Of course, my wife is a pretty extreme case. At this point, we haven't seen each other in many months, and she won't see or speak with my mother or sister, as they remind her too much of me now. Or at least what she imagines I'm like now - she really has no way to know.

Best of luck Kristyn, I hope you and your wife can find a balance where you are both comfortable.

[Jenny Gurl]

Only you and your SO can make that call. As already posted, sometimes SO will till you they don't care to be kind, but it may bother them just the same. If you do decide to hang them and put your other things in the closet, don't take up so much room that it crowds her things. Above all, if you decide to hang them, let her know if it starts to bother her to just tell you and you will be glad to put them back away. That leaves an open option that she knows is always there.

[Emme]

I hang all my clothes in the shared closet. My side would look empty if I removed my collection. I wear my Emme clothes every day at home. My gripe is she take my shoes and puts them on the floor and she uses the shoe hanger for her tiny shoes. Some times I double up with her LOL

I have the wigs on my side and my jewelry cases. We get along in the closet very well.

[~Joanne~]

Before I told my SO about my CDing, my clothes were always hung in the closet, buried by my drab this. I have always hung my clothes and it was easier when we do not share a closet to beginvwith. After telling her, she actually suggested that I hang my things with hers but they are fine where they are at. They are just more visible now and there are a lot more items than what there were. I feel really bad for those that have to hide their things but we must do what we must I guess.

[Seana Summer]

Hi Kristyn

I am glad to hear you are ok and you and your wife are talking.

My suggestion is similar to others....go slow......and start by hanging up what you were wearing in the photo she saw.

[giuseppina]

... she calmly said "that's fine, I don't care, ...

This often means, "Proceed at your peril."

... I have told her that I have bought clothes. And makeup . She didn't comment.
Do you think she's ready to see Kristyn's things?
Much Love,
Kristyn

In a word, no. It sounds to me like you're pushing much too hard, especially given the way she found out.

It's time you asked for her honest opinion.

[Adriana Moretti]

you know me homegirl....I'm the WORST person to ask or give S/O advice.....but I would crawl before you ball .....some of these gals are DEAD ON in their response

[Jenniferathome]

Kristyn, from this recount, it's hard to judge, so I recommend a more direct question, "Honey, are you really ok with me hanging up my female clothes in our closet and putting my heels in there too?"

[Femdenise]

Kristyn--you know your lady better than any of us--better than all of us put together! Trust your head and heart. Caution is always good advice. Think in terms of, "the last straw", "this was just too much", The "spark", etc. A few items in the spare closet may be the wisest choice. Good Luck--and be flexible.

[CarlaWestin]

I say hang'em. It's the clothes that belong in a closet, right? And all of your bras and panties in a drawer. Shoes neatly lined up around the closet wall. Of course, your collection of dresses and stuff will start growing, and growing. All by itself! Right?

[MssHyde]

I'd pull back and really be sure, women change their minds too much.. may put out some things she has seen in pictures.

Cheyenne

[JocelynJames]

We have a shoe rack of which I have 5 random spots. I can pick them out as can my SO, but anyone else would have to really look.our feet only differ by a full size. Clothing on the other hand.... I have two different styles going, and I'm more a 10-12, where the SO is a 2 so it is slightly out of sight. We just play it all by ear.

[visualkei]

Love this! It's the right tone. It's not so much asking for permission as it is, "I really care what you think!"

Jamie

Me too. Definitely see if you can open her up about it. You wouldn't want to mistake her "I don't care" attitude for being how she really feels. I doubt it is how she really feels.
You ought to talk about it more, establish some temporary boundaries and reassess as time goes on.

P.S. I thought this thread was about tucking from the title, hahaha.

[Kris Avery]

Sadly, I have no choice but to hide almost all of them as I live with 1 pre-teen and two other teenaged children (all girls).
They are very observant that my SO has exactly 1 (one) dress and she only wore it one time to church and had a bad experience falling down in it.

That said, there are a few dresses in the shared space of the closet... however I really hate to put any of them there - as the last time a new dress got hung, it was quickly identified and worn by a teenage daughter - thinking it was 'moms'. "now that's some MAJOR awkward"

[Angie G]

I have my own closet all my girl things are hanging in it and I out of room.
Angie

[Isabella Ross]

Everything...and I mean everything...out of the closet (the secret one with your clothes in boxes) and into the closet (the big one, where everything can hang). Seems to me you've been given a green light. Proceed cautiously through this important intersection.