Is it Fear of Failure or Fear of Success?

[CynthiaD]

There've been a lot of posts about being afraid lately. Fear of being outed, fear of going out in public, and so forth, with many variations. This has caused me to examine my own motivations more carefully. We seem to articulate our fears as fears of failure. Being read, being ridiculed, being scorned. But sometimes I wonder if there isn't a deeper fear behind it all. The fear of being successful?

To explain what I mean let me share a story from one of my first outings. I was completely en femme, talking to a female convenience store clerk about not much of anything. I assumed from the start that it was obvious to her that I was a man in a dress. But then I inadvertently let my voice slip back into my male register. (I have a rather deep voice.) When that happened, she jumped about a foot. I quickly gathered my things and left.

After reflecting on this later, I thought, My gosh! I was passing.

I wasn't at all sure how I felt about this. I still don't. Does this mean I can be accepted as a woman whenever I want? Can I live as a woman all the time? I've often said that this is my dream. Now that the dream is within reach, what should I do?

When I thought I could never pass, I had an easy escape route. I could fall back into male mode, telling myself that this is how everyone perceives me anyway, so why not? Since that time I've had many more outings, and a lot more reinforcement that people really do perceive me as a woman. Its scary new territory, and I've only begun exploring it. But I'm definitely way out of my comfort zone. And so far, I'm loving it.

[2B Natasha]

Hi Cynthia

I think it's more fear of success. like you stated. While I have never tried to alter my voice, and I sound allot like Barry White. I rate my " Success " more by the stares and looks more then anything else. My height even in flats is 6'4" so I am much taller and broader shouldered then your average GG. So I doubt mostly there is any great surprise that I am who I am. I like to throw in how I feel when I step out the door to the success profile. How one feels reflects directly to how one carries themselves. But yes that does scare me more then failure. I have no desire to transition or live full time en femme. But At the same time. I find it harder each to to not WANT or DESIRE to dress en femme when I go out anywhere. Part of that is a comfort level with myself and who I am and part of that is because I have learned and refined my look to blend in while still retaining my unique style and verve. Failure is easy. Tuck your tail and head home. When I failed it drove me to try harder to look better to hold myself in a more proper posture. Failure drives me it doesn't scare me

[Eryn]

I can relate to your anxiety. When i started I thought that there was no way that I could pass. After all, I'm 6'2" and my face is far from feminine!

Now I've been going out for a few years and been able to experience a lot of things first-hand.

One thing is that there are actually 6'2" women. There are actually more of us than the statistics would indicate because of the magic of heels. To the majority of the population anyone over 5'10" is just plain tall and no further distinction is made.

Another thing I discovered is that there are a lot of women out there who aren't beautiful. Some of them have faces you would consider "manly." They don't worry about "passing" because they've never considered that they might not. Once you get north of 50 your face is no longer the center of attention anyway.

Even pitch of voice isn't a definite tell. Femininity of voice is determined not only by pitch but by resonance and speaking style.

The thing that does cause me fear is that, even with my experience, I don't know where this road is leading. I don't have the "transition or die" feeling described by some TS individuals, but at the same time I have no internal voice saying "This is enough." Going back to male mode is always more psychologically difficult for me than going to female world and I end up in a more-or-less androgynous state if circumstances allow.

[celeste26]

Eryn writes

The thing that does cause me fear is that, even with my experience, I don't know where this road is leading. I don't have the "transition or die" feeling described by some TS individuals, but at the same time I have no internal voice saying "This is enough." Going back to male mode is always more psychologically difficult for me than going to female world and I end up in a more-or-less androgynous state if circumstances allow.

that is where I am too no one is in my world screaming NO, and there is no internal voice screaming no either. But on the other hand there is no "transition or die" either.

[natalie edwards]

Fear of success without a doubt. I actually posted about this a few weeks ago in the genetic male forum. Fast forward to yesterday and embraced the best look yet and posted some pics in the I've never felt sexier thread. So yeah its definitely a fear of getting too good at it but at the same time such a beautiful, peaceful, enjoyable feeling that I wish would never have to end!

[Persephone]

What a meaningful post, Cynthia!

Was Alice's life better or worse after she fell down the rabbit hole?

I'm pretty far down the road. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't farther than I intended to go. But at the same time I'm having the best time of my life ever.

Reading your OP I've tried to figure out how to express it. Robert Frost's poem, Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening (click here), seems to express it, particularly the last stanza, but it is too dark.

I think Eryn has nailed it pretty well, especially in her concluding paragraph.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Dianne S]

I am on the same page as Eryn and celeste26. I really want to dress 24x7 but I don't have the transition or die voice either. If I were not married, I would probably transition, but now there's a lot more at stake. I am somewhat fearful of where this is leading.

[Rogina B]

I am very happy with my "social transition". "Non friends" have dropped away,new friends have replaced them,and "business associates" remain as just what they are.Caring whether they accept my personal life doesn't matter to me. My family is doing well. I have gotten a lot of personal satisfaction from putting myself out there as a Transgender rights activist and enjoy engaging and educating some of the people with the power to change things for the better in NE Florida..And I have met a lot of accepting and embracing people along my way. If living my life this way is my form of suppression,then for now it is working just fine!

[mariehart]

Cynthia, the saying 'Be careful what you wish for' comes to mind. I do think you have a good point. I remember when I finally got a shot at my dream job. For years I feared it would never happen but what was more terrifying was the day it was handed to me on a plate. But I needn't have worried. I succeeded but soon came to realise that it wasn't the dream I thought it was.

Maybe that's a source of anxiety too. What if I do achieve my dream and it turns out I was wrong? That little doubt niggles away at the back of your mind.

Sometimes failure is a preferable even desirable outcome.

On the other hand to use another cliché: 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'

I should take my own advice. The other day I was all dressed up. I opened the front door and said to myself: 'Just walk out there, just go' I didn't.