To the grave and beyond??

[Krisi]

I have not told my children and see no need to tell them. When I die I will be dead and will not know or care what they think.

I do plan on being reincarnated as a "hot chick" though. A female human, not a fowl.

[Princess Grandpa]

I had no intentions of telling anyone. This was to be our little secret. However, about three weeks after I came to accept that I was a cross dresser, I was dressed up at home. My son not only dropped in unannounced, but since the front door was locked, went around to the back door and let himself in. There I was at my computer in dress, wig, and homemade forms. A month or so later, my daughter, who recently moved out but still comes home to work daily, was in my room chatting with my wife. Suddenly she notices a pair of shoes. "Those are cute. " *pause* their awfully big. Who's are they? I had a conversation with each of them about it as these incidents occurred. They both claim to be fine with it, while I still don't dress fully in front of them, my standard wardrobe is from the women's dept. All that's missing is the wig, forms and make up.

My son is comfortable enough that it occasionally comes up in our conversations. My daughter while professing to be fine, still appears uncomfortable if the conversation leans that way. We have gone shopping together and she tries really hard not to be bothered.

Not long ago my son and his family had to move in with us. I noticed a skype message on his computer from his wife. It said something like "Your mom and dad came home last night in costume while I was awake with the baby. It was quite shocking." I never intended for them to know. Sometimes I wish I had been more carefull. But it is nice not to have to be super secretive and to not have to worry about later.

Hug
Rita

[Dianne S]

I have three kids, aged 12, 16 and 20. I kept it a secret from them until a few months ago.

The reason I came out to them was that I reached a crisis point: I realized that cross-dressing for me was more than just about clothes and erotic impulses. I believe the feminine part of myself needs expression or I will become depressed.

My kids were completely accepting of me. My youngest critiques my fashion sense (rather harshly ) and all my kids have given me gifts of jewelry. My transgender status is a non-issue to everyone except my wife. Obviously, it causes her great distress because she married a man and wants a man. My greatest sadness is the pain I've inflicted on my wife. That's my only regret.

If your husband cross-dresses just for fun or as a fetish, then I agree it's not necessary to tell your kids. However, if you think there's a chance he'll be caught, then it's probably better to tell them so you can have more control over the disclosure. You have to weigh the risks. As for what happens if you both die, you need to try to anticipate how much distress it would cause your kids to find out while they're in shock and morning, and then decide whether or not to tell them beforehand. It's a very tough question.

[Sarah Doepner]

My wife was the only person in the family that I was out to about my crossdressing. She supported and even went out to meetings and on vacation with me, but about a year and a half ago she passed away. I have 4 adult children who may have knowledge of my crossdressing, but it isn't from me telling them, I just don't know. But since I have a closet full of clothing, wigs, shoes and cosmetics and since they all have keys to the house and drop by unannounced from time to time, they may accidently discover my secret. I'm planning to tell them eventually, but not right away. So in the meantime if I drive off a cliff or hike into the desert and dry to a crispy critter, I have an envelope taped to the dresser in the closet with an invitation to read the contained letter, that maybe it will explain a little of what they see in that room.

So until I do the sit down and tell them, it's the letter that will have to do. I'm thinking of revising it and putting some contact information in there so they could talk to some of my CD friends locally who could further explain anything they didn't understand and serve as a place to get things donated when the house had to be cleaned out.

[Confucius]

My wife and I both decided not to tell our kids about my cross-dressing. The reason was because kids face enough difficulties in life, and they need a father who they can respect and make them feel secure. Personally, I feared that one may become a cross-dresser too, and I would blame myself. So for 18 years my cross-dressing completely stopped. There was no wigs, forms, or stash for them to find. Instead I found some solace in substitutes: satin bed sheets and pillow cases, men's nylon pajamas, some nylon or satin boxers. When my little daughter wanted me to play house or with her Barbies, I gladly did. When she needed someone's nails to paint, or wanted to practice her make up skills, she had an accommodating dad. We would go to neighborhood garage sales and buy some fancy gowns to play dress up. (No, I didn't dress up with her, but I have to admit that I did try some on when everyone was away.)

The children left for college and never returned. I tried to make my cross-dressing go away. I desperately wanted to be the kind of man my family would respect and honor. When my children were safely away then the wife and I had a talk, and I found that she trusted me to keep my cross-dressing limited and private. It remains, but my wife sets the boundaries - no wig, no make-up, no female alter-ego, no heels, no pads, nothing fake, just a normal man in a skirt.

[Alice B]

All mine and my wife's children know and they are adults and fully OK with it. Also my granddaughter knows. Both she and my daughter want to go out with me as Alice. But they are in Oklahoma, so not much chance.

[RebeccaLynne]

Hi Tinkerbell, and I really like your question, 'cause I'd imagine there are those here that might be concerned with "what will they think?".

This question is for those with kids, and in particular adult kids.

Two daughters, ages 27 and 29. I believe that puts me in your target group of respondents...

Have you managed to keep your crossdressing a secret from your children? If they found out, how? (Did you tell them or did they discover it?)

I've never "outed" myself directly to my girls; as in "I dress in women's clothing every chance I get" sort of thing. They've seen me dressed to the nines on Halloween more than once, as I've accompanied them trick-or-treating totally done up; we're talking undergarments, forms, wigs (before I grew my hair past my bra strap), shaved legs and underarms, full make-up, and polished nails. I'm pretty sure they know I'm not the run of the mill male parent.

My oldest daughter once remarked on the length of my fingernails... "So Dad, are you gonna cut your nails, or polish them?" I replied that they grew so fast, that it was hard to keep up with 'em, and since she'd commented, I guessed I'd better cut 'em.

In the event the "worst case" scenario unfolded as you've described, I believe they'd come over to clean out my residence and not be surprised, other than that I had amassed such a large wardrobe of clothes they'd never seen before!

[Dianne S]

kids face enough difficulties in life, and they need a father who they can respect and make them feel secure.

See, that's something I don't understand. I think my children respect me much more for saying "This is who I am and this is what I do to live an authentic life" than if I'd snuck around hiding things. Now, I do live in a liberal city and country, so my kids are unlikely to be hassled if their peers ever find out. If you live in a less tolerant area, then yes... protecting your kids from their peers is one good reason to keep it a secret.

Regarding your fear that one of your kids may become a cross-dresser: I think it's possible. There is a statistically-significant genetic component to transgender behavior. But it's pretty mild... maybe your kid has a 1/950 chance instead of 1/1000 chance. So I wouldn't worry about it.

I certainly don't think that coming out to your kids will have any effect on whether or not they end up on the transgender spectrum.

[Sometimes Steffi]

As far as I know, my 30 y.o. daughter does not know.

And my wife doesn't want me to tell her. If my wife goes first, telling my daughter will be one of the first things on my to do list. I would hate to have her wonder what was going on when I won't be able to answer questions.

Since my dad died, I've had questions about his military service in WWII. From some of the stories he told growing up, I imagined that he had served in combat. From his discharge papers, it woulo seem that he didn't finish basic training until the war was over and he served in Army of Occupation, Japan, based in Yokohama.

Not really a big deal, but I would just like to know.

[Kate T]

Should we write a note and include it with his stash saying something like 'Daddy was kinky...we both loved you all very much.'?!?

Crossdressing sure brings some curious questions to life, doesn't it?

Love it If my kids didn't already know I think I'd be tempted to do exactly that!
If you want a slightly comedic variation of the above scenario watch the english movie "Death at a Funeral". VERY FUNNY!!! But in a typically understated english way also rather poignant. Won't spoil the ending for you.

On a related note my wife asked me a little while ago how would I like to be dressed for my funeral (don't worry, she hasn't got the arsenic ready yet). I'm not TS or anything and probably feel more Bigendered / Transgendered / run of the mill Crossdresser but her comment was well if that is how you feel true to yourself then wouldn't you want to go out that way? As you say though, to an extent it doesn't really affect me per se what I would be dressed in at my funeral but it could affect others including loved ones. Certainly curious questions

[Megan b]

Hey Tinkerbell, I have two young adult children, they both know. I kept this from everyone except my (ex)wife but after 22 years of marriage, she could not deal with this side of me anymore. She wanted to make sure the kids knew why she was leaving so instead of her telling my secret, I sat the kids down and told them myself. That was hard but they still loved me and stayed with me. My son even said,( that's it), they had been led to believe Daddy was doing something awful or terrible. My daughter now lives with her mother, she knows but has never seen Megan, that's ok. My son lives with me, he has seen Megan. I do not force this on him or do this when he's home but if he's home when I come in from a day of shopping, then I just say hello and go and change clothes. He doesn't understand why I do this and I really can't explain what I don't understand myself. It's just part of me. I don't know what they will do with my stuff but they'll more than likely donate it to Goodwill and then someone else can enjoy it.

[flatlander_48]

Still, that plane versus mountain will always scare me. I might invest in a mobile home, lol!!

You realize that you'll never know?

Anyway, to answer your question...

Daughter is 39 and the son is 32. Neither of them know that I dress. They both live in other states and moved out of the house many years before I started dressing. I don't really have a compelling reason to tell them. If they were to find out after the fact, I think they could deal with it. They know that they were loved and cared for regardless and that's all that is needed.

[Sophie Yang]

Tinkerbell -

I have two sons, 24 and 26. I told both of them shortly after they graduated from college. My wife home schooled them from pre-school through high school. During the pre-high school years, I usually made it home for lunch with the wife and kids. They both have joined my wife and I at some TG events. My oldest son and I go out quite often, mostly coffee shops to do a little work. He and I just got back from WalGreens. I needed an eyeliner pencil.

I also belong to a TG group, the Rose City T-Girls. One member passed a while ago and the children discovered the stash. Shocker to say the least, but they reached out to the group. The girls who knew their father wrote back some very touching letters which helped bring closure on a positive note.

For those who wish not to disclose to their children, you may want to just leave a note with instructions for your children to let one of the moderators know that you have passed. If possible, not sure what site security issues are raised, have the moderator send your posts and responses. What you reveal here will shed light on a side of you that they never knew about.

[Kate Simmons]

My kids found my "stash" years ago when they were teenagers. it didn't alter their perception of me as their Dad except for maybe thinking it was a little "off beat". Once again it depends on the people making the discovery as to how it will affect them. Each person has to anticipate and handle their own situation in this regard.

[DonnaT]

My son found out by what was on my computer. He's fine with it.

I told my daughter. She hasn't said anything good or bad about it.

My son lives with us, and see's me everyday, my daughter does not, so I don't see a need to discuss it with her any further.

[MissTee]

We, too, are in the "haven't told" camp. Have a mid 30's and a mid 20's daughter, as well as an almost 20 son. No plans to share, although I think the very snoopy mid-20's daughter suspects. Wife and I have talked about the stash, and even though we keep most of it at a 2nd home, should we meet that mountain the kids inherit the properties. I'm sure they will do the math. How they may deal with it we have discussed, but can see no comfortable way for us to deal with it in this life. We've chosen to capture that as a risk and move on.

[JocelynRenee]

For those who cross dress as a fetish or strictly in private I don't see a compelling reason to share that information with their children. For that situation I love the letter idea. Honestly, I think the world would be a better place if everyone would start accepting that they are responsible for their own feelings. If I was a good parent to my children in life, then I think I'm gonna go ahead and not accept responsibility for their feelings over my private business after I'm dead.

As I was a fairly public CD when our children were young, we shared the information with them when they were in grade school. We wanted the news to come from us; not a stranger. It never entered my mind that my children would not respect me. Why? Because I earned their respect by committing to being a father, friend, and mentor to them from birth to death. We also never required them to keep it a secret and their friends thought it was awesome. Our daughter's friends, in particular, often bought me small femme gifts at Christmas.

Our children are now happy, well-adjusted adults. Neither of our sons grew up to be cross dressers, but if they did we would love and support them. Was their life made more difficult? According to them, not at all. But even if it was why would I want to teach them that it's OK to tolerate bigotry as long as it makes our own lives more comfortable?

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Tink, do you think that they cd in heaven???

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Tink, do you think that they cd in heaven???

Ha, good question. I personally hope heaven is much simpler than all that and we all wear the same thing..like Star Trek! Then, whoever you are internally, is all that matters. That, or we all look like shiny coloured orbs or something.

Would a crossdresser then covet the pink orb??

[Teresa]

Tink I don't know where Scotty beamed me to , but I didn't come back looking the same way !!

[natcrys]

I don't plan on having any kids.. but if it does happen, it will be with an SO who fully accepts Tassia in our day-to-day life. And thus, my hypothetical kids will all know.. just like how now all the little (and not so little) children of my friends know me both in boy and girl mode.

And you know.. those little munchkins couldn't care less!

Some of them asked.. "why is he wearing high heels, a dress and lipstick?" and then my friends will say something like "because he feels like it.. and because he want to look pretty."

The kids go "well.. okay then!".. they don't make a big deal about it, their parents don't make a big deal about it, I don't make a big deal about it!

[Samantha_Smile]

I wouldn't worry about it unless you family is openly and actively bigoted/prejudiced towards the TG community.

In my job, I stand shoulder to shoulder with the reaper on an all too frequent basis, and as such you gain some comforting insight into mortality.
The honest truth is, when you're gone, people remember you for the person you were whilst on earth. How you interacted with others, how you influenced their lives.
The messages you brought and the lessons you taught. The love you gave and the world you were a part of to the individual person.
Finding your 'stash' while shocking/funny/whatever the discoverer feels, it wont change their memories of you.
You will always be you, and just because you have secrets, doesn't mean people will lose respect for you when you're buried/burned.

As long as your secrets were of no harm to anyone, nobody will be hurt when they find out.

There is of course the tails side of this coin. They may discover it and be upset by the fact you never shared this side of yourself with them while you had the chance.
To allow them to support you, to allow them into your life completely. A mark of full trust and love.
I'm not trying to push you into coming out against your better judgement,
Just giving you a snack for though.

x

[Teresa]

Smile I may well be in my box before that happens! Interesting slant on coming out !!

[JustAlex]

Have you managed to keep your crossdressing a secret from your children?

Yes... at least I think I have...

If not and you plan on keeping things this way, do you have a plan for the dreaded worst case scenario...

No plan at all, what's the point?

I only ask because my H and I both agree there's no purpose to our kids knowing of his dressing

I would agree. If he hasn't make it public, I mean dressing in public, it's private. It's like going to your children and telling all about your sexual life in graphic detail. You don't want that, they don't want that.

what about the clothing and forms and wigs? What would they think if we both died and they found these?

They'll remember the parents they had and most likely respect your privacy and your secret even not knowing exactly what it was.

Should we write a note and include it with his stash saying something like 'Daddy was kinky...we both loved you all very much.'?!?

Why leave a note for this? Why not a note to let they know how much you loved them? How about showing them how much you love them now so no note is ever needed?

Crossdressing sure brings some curious questions to life, doesn't it?

Well, yes, indeed! But I wouldn't worry much about this question.

[Tina G]

My kids know and have dealt with it well, their older sister has a friend of hers that is transgender and wanting to be a guy so they have had experience with this.

Tina