What does this say about me?

[sarahcsc]

Hi,

I was hoping to get some perspective on myself. I asked some questions in the "ask a transsexual" thread because I wanted some questions answered about them, but now I have some questions about myself that I hope answered.

I'm a biological male who started dressing at the age of 7 but remember feeling like I wanted to dress much earlier. I started to dress when I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and I thought the dressing was initially just a fetish except that it didn't remain that way. I began having fantasies about taking female hormones at the age of 14 during my biology class when I was first exposed to the concept of sexual reproductive hormones and has since been thinking about it. However, I was always able to cast it out of my head because there was always some distractions around. Furthermore, I didn't dare to ask for anything more as long as I was able to dress clandestinely. I was also holding out for the "one" woman whom I thought could "fix" me but they came and they went without changing anything for me. After numerous failed relationships, I began asking myself if I needed to be more open and honest about my crossdressing which I did but it cost me my last relationship and several friends too. I came to this forum seeking solace but it also helped me discover who I truly was.

I began experimenting with HRT almost 3 years ago without any professional help but again felt it was pointless and dangerous before I finally met with a therapist who diagnosed me with "gender dysphoria" and sent me to an endocrinologist. I wasn't surprised with the diagnosis and it didn't mean much to me except for a passport to HRT and further changes if necessary. I knew that I would've found other avenues to take HRT if I wasn't diagnosed with GD.

It has been almost 6 months now since I'm on formal HRT and I am loving the changes made to my body although I am still worried if this may affect my career or social circle hence I try my best to hide it although I didn't mind when people notice something about me. I am preparing myself every day for the eventual day of coming out in the open but I am still taking this at the slowest pace possible. So far, only a few colleagues and close friends know about my HRT.

There are parts of my body that I absolutely hate such as my masculine forehead and hairs on my legs and my face which I'm putting aside money for surgery and laser hair removal. I can tolerate my private male parts but tend not to look or pay too much attention to it. I am always dressed at home. I love the fact that I am developing breast tissue and growing my hair out(which became surprisingly soft and straight since going on HRT). I also love that my complexion has improved dramatically and cries easily over romantic comedies. I am NOT ready to live as a full time female and neither am I ready for surgical gender reassignment (except for the forehead recontouring perhaps) partly because I don't think I will be able to adjust to the changes myself and also not to my mother's reaction. She made me promise her that I wouldn't do anything "drastic" although we did not define what "drastic" meant. LOL.

I wasn't as distressed as some of TS folks before transitioning and knew that life would've been a lot less complicated if I did nothing. But like some of you, the question of authenticity keeps popping up in my head and the urge to take the hormones was growing every day and I found myself thinking about it almost every single minute of the day. I am still afraid of the changes my body is going through but would never want to go back to how I used to be. I don't regret any of my actions and I believed this was the right time to do it. I do wonder sometimes if I would have been better off doing this earlier but I knew I would've been overwhelmed or deprived myself of relationships with women.

I still identify myself as a man when people ask me but a patient and colleague said I looked very much like a girl the other day and I couldn't stop smiling the whole afternoon!

Who am I?

Am I a transsexual? or just a confused crossdresser? Or neither?

I don't normally define myself based on public consensus but I want to know if I'm alone in this...

Love,
Sarah

[jaleecd]

I have always only saw a lovely young woman, in all your postings. Be true to your inner vision of your real self.

[becky77]

Hi Sarah

I'm no therapist so I can't say one way or the other. But most of your post was about image alone?
I hate being a man in every way, most of my life it has been a struggle to try fit in and I failed most of the time, the best way I can describe it is that I felt wrong in my own body, awkward and displaced in society. My confidence and self esteem rarely ever peeked above rock bottom and thats aside form the fact I feel so horrible when I see myself in the mirror as a man.

Perhaps you could expand on your feeling inside rather than the physical, living as a woman is very different to living as a man and looking liking a woman doesn't make you one.
Have you got experience being out as a woman? If so how was it for you?

[noeleena]

Hi,

Remember body size shape and facial features for you with your background and race has a greater bearing on how you look and many are like you in that regard , so it would be far easyer for you to be seen as a woman .

and age is on your side, okay . now if you wont to live as a woman then only you can answer that , and that depends on many factors how strong is that desire in you to do that ,

I dont know what drives you , your makeup as a person and how you feel about your self ,

If i were to meet you then i would have a better idear you know body langauge and how we talk with each other ,
i dont think ill be up your way unless your down to the south isl any way thats open ended ,

The difference in my case is i was born different so the whole detail for myself was female to start with and my mix of my maleness, plus i dont pass = white pakeha = European descent or Kiwi,

Oh one other point is im hard wired female as well ,.

Does not matter i live as a normal female any way with in my disadvantages and advantages ,
...noeleena...

[Angela Campbell]

most of my life the problem was less on how I looked or my body parts, than it was about not really fitting in as a boy. I didn't think I was a boy and didn't really act much like one. Because of fear and social pressure I did play the part as best as I could but I always knew.....totally knew I was a girl.

[sarahcsc]

Hi Sarah

I'm no therapist so I can't say one way or the other. But most of your post was about image alone?

Perhaps you could expand on your feeling inside rather than the physical, living as a woman is very different to living as a man and looking liking a woman doesn't make you one.
Have you got experience being out as a woman? If so how was it for you?

Hi Becky, I would say most of my posts, at least the ones I devote a lot of time and effort to, were issues regarding identity rather than image. I stopped posting pictures since November because they weren't very important to me anymore. I can't say I love or hate being a man nor did I ever try to fit in because I generally try to blend into the background wherever possible.

The man is strong, stubborn, and invincible but at the same time anxious and suspicious. The woman is weak, yielding, and vulnerable but at the same time mellow and loving. There used to be a dichotomy inside me but these days they both blend together into one. I know looking like a woman doesn't make me one but I want to look like one nevertheless so I can be closer to being a woman. Am I wrong to think so?

I've been out as a woman many times, often with friends. I'm often terrified when out because I'm afraid people might find out and laugh at me. I think they might laugh at me because I'm wearing breast forms, body shapers and a wig so in other words, I'm worried that they will laugh at me because I'm a fake! I haven't been out as a woman without the wig and make up etc so I can't say how I will feel like then. I will probably worry about not passing and again have people laugh at me.

I have mastered my appearances which still leaves me unsatisfied because I still feel like a fraud. We talk about hating our bodies but I would never hate the body that has carried me all over this world and has given me so much pleasure. Looking pretty isn't as important as looking like "me" and I want to have my own female body even if it meant it won't be pretty. At least I know this body reflects how I feel on the inside. Must I "hate" my body in order to justify change? Can I be thankful to be blessed with a functional body but still still want to change it?

[kimdl93]

There's that old binary thinking raising it's ugly head again! We humans tend to think in terms of either or choices...all too often ignoring other options. Our brains may default to simple choices...eat/do not eat, fight/flight.

Of course reality is far more complex. All of us who have been around here long enough have witnessed the much more diverse array of gender identities present in this community. I suspect we mirror the diversity in society as a whole. While our brains seek out the either or, your observations confirm your feeling...that many of us don't belong in column a or column b.

You're certainly not alone...far from it. don't know if you can find any measure of comfort in that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You sound like me 8 years ago. Your actions and your inner dialog are very similar to mine prior to transition.

It took a long time for me to realize that i was transsexual.

What happened to me over time was that as I got older, the desperation grew... the more i thought about it, the more i couldn't stop ... and the gender distress just got worse and worse... i spent a lot of time considering myself a fetishist and a cd...i learned that many transsexuals fantasize as a coping mechanism...

Be very careful about what you think you know about yourself... lots of what you think in your mind is from coping...for sexuality was a big one... i said i loved women... i DID love women... but looking back i forced myself to love women because that's what guys do...and since i was a guy..... you get the picture... once i gave up on the whole "i'm a guy" thing, i realized i had been burying the sexual part of me too...

you are doing the right things... take your time...live day by day and be open to learning about yourself.. don't make any promises to your mom or anybody ...if you are transsexual, you won't keep them....and if you are not, they will get what they want anyway...

[PaulaQ]

Sarah, the fact that you ask the question "what am I?" tells me you really already know, and just don't want to say. Coming out to ourselves is the hardest thing most of us do.

My opinion is that you are trans. You certainly have plenty of symptoms, not the least of which is that you are on HRT, and a couple of professionals apparently agreed with that, or you wouldn't be on them.

What that all means only you can say. But I will say that at a certain point, you are going to have to make a decision about what your life looks like in the wake of transition, because that's most certainly what you are doing. It'll probably go better for you if you think about this some, rather than just letting it happen. Probably...

[Kimberly Kael]

I like Kaitlyn's response a lot here. Nobody can tell you whether you're a transsexual or not. It doesn't matter whether it's a casual discussion here or a therapist working with you over a period of years, all anyone can do is help you come to your own conclusions. The big question is how you would choose to live your life if you weren't under the influence of society in general and the people close to you in specific. Finding out what feels relaxing and natural is surprisingly difficult when we're inundated with expectations from everyone around us.

You'll get there in time, whether it's a matter of giving yourself permission to try a different approach to your life that clicks, or building up irritation by going against your nature for so long that it becomes obviously unsustainable. The former is preferable, of course, but the latter is far from uncommon and it can also be a bit of both. I still felt like I had a choice when I transitioned, but I could easily see that it might not feel that way in another decade.

The important part isn't signing up for surgery, it's learning to embrace whatever identity suits you. Hormones can help that feeling of peace. Physical alterations are more a matter of achieving a congruent body image that suits the identity once you've established it, and simplifying interactions with others by aligning with expected social cues. If your avatar is a self-portrait, though, I don't think you'd have any trouble being perceived as female. So it's largely up to you to sift through your emotional baggage, try on some differenct ways of perceiving yourself, and forge a path that suits you.

[Nigella]

Sorry if this sounds blunt, why ask us?

AFAIK, no-one here knows you from Adam, few if any, are even qualified to answer your question. We can only respond from our own experiences, which for a forum of this size is vast and varied.

My response is You are who you are, don't ask others to define you.

[Kathryn Martin]

Who am I?

Am I a transsexual? or just a confused crossdresser? Or neither?

I don't normally define myself based on public consensus but I want to know if I'm alone in this...

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I think there is quite a bit of information about you in this one post. In fact you touched on a lot of subjects that are part of the inner landscape people who struggle with their sex and gender traverse. You have touched on your biological sex, on your need to shape your body to a closer approximation to a female one, you have touched the subject of your genitals and how you not perceive them acutely, you are concerned of what an authentic life would look like for you and last but not least you have touched on your being attracted to others.

I see much in your post that can be read between the lines and for those that have a perceptive eye and ear (inner eye and ear for what speaks through your words) there is content that even you may not be aware of. In this Kaitelyn is right, what we take from your post we compare to our own experiences and make a judgement about where we believe you may be in the landscape of your life. For instance I find the form of your post almost as interesting as the content, the way you use your words and how you construct your thoughts before you bring them to the screen.

Identity is not a matter of public consensus yet at the same time I am not in agreement with Nigella either. I think in the real world we are defined in our identity by so many things and influences that a simplistic "you are what you are" can be a very empty statement. We are after all also a product of our socialization and upbringing and often the question for transsexed people is whether the war between who we are and how we were raised and conditioned by our socialization is decided. Many wars are not determined as a head to head clash but the little actions often unnoticed, often seemingly innocuous that strip away that which is not authentic.

To me it is clear from your post that you have embraced that which has driven you to take hormones, in fact your need was strong enough that you tried without medical supervision, and when you got it that was just great for you. But then you went a step further in saying that even if you had not been diagnosed with GD (which would have surprised me from what you say about certain features of your body) you would still have found a way to make hormones happen for you. Not everyone experiences distress associated with being transsexed as hate or massive depression, at least not at your age, if your picture is any real indication of your age.

One other aspect of your post speaks to me, namely : "I do wonder sometimes if I would have been better off doing this earlier but I knew I would've been overwhelmed or deprived myself of relationships with women. " There is an astonishing melancholy in this sentence but also such a musical segue. The ritardando of your melancholy carries within itself the accelerando of transformation happening.

What I read between the lines of your post is that you have cultivated something in you that is now increasingly and slowly blooming into an authenticity of self. That I find very interesting. You have softness of voice about you which I like a lot. So, welcome.....

Warmest regards

Kathryn

[LeaP]

I like Kathryn's closing comment about the warmness of voice. I agree with that and didn't quite have the words for it until I read this description.

I asked my therapist – 15 minutes ago, in fact – whether I was typical of her gender clients. Part of her response was that, in my manifesting with depression and a significant level of dysphoria, I was "not atypical." But clearly not everyone experiences gender issues in the same way, and regardless of intensity. If life has figuratively taken you by the hand instead of using it to slap you, well and good! You sound balanced and thoughtful. Introspective in a good way.

On the whole experience versus qualifications thing, I will say this: Experience is priceless. Nothing else replace it. It is possible to overgeneralize it, extend its implications inappropriately, and project. At its best, it assists with keeping the resolution of problems rooted in reality and shortening learning and adaptation cycles. At its worst, qualifications are empty credentials. A means of coercing and biasing, if not actually deliberately misrepresenting reality. Their highest use is to structure, support, and build on not only your own experiences, but the experience of others.

The combination of experience and qualifications is usually what you want. When it comes to the topic of transsexuality, however, I'm not so sure. Qualifications, as represented by the state of psychological practice, research, therapeutic approaches, politics, and just about anything else you can think about has served transsexuals very poorly. Most of the gains in the lives of transsexuals that have been made were through the efforts of transsexuals, along with the efforts of a very, very few others. Some creating the worst havoc are among those who are nominally the most qualified, such as Ray Blanchard and Paul McHugh. We regularly read about the experiences people have with obviously ill-educated therapists.

So give both experience and qualifications their due – but tread carefully! This is an area in which you must guide your own care more than is usually the case. Much more. My guess is that you will have no problem doing so.

[sarahcsc]

On the whole experience versus qualifications thing, I will say this: Experience is priceless. Nothing else replace it. It is possible to overgeneralize it, extend its implications inappropriately, and project. At its best, it assists with keeping the resolution of problems rooted in reality and shortening learning and adaptation cycles. At its worst, qualifications are empty credentials. A means of coercing and biasing, if not actually deliberately misrepresenting reality. Their highest use is to structure, support, and build on not only your own experiences, but the experience of others.

The combination of experience and qualifications is usually what you want. When it comes to the topic of transsexuality, however, I'm not so sure. Qualifications, as represented by the state of psychological practice, research, therapeutic approaches, politics, and just about anything else you can think about has served transsexuals very poorly. Most of the gains in the lives of transsexuals that have been made were through the efforts of transsexuals, along with the efforts of a very, very few others. Some creating the worst havoc are among those who are nominally the most qualified, such as Ray Blanchard and Paul McHugh. We regularly read about the experiences people have with obviously ill-educated therapists.

Hi LeaP, this may sound awkward... but I'm actually a doctor. And I will become a psychiatrist in a couple years so I hope I won't become one of the "ill-educated therapists". Colleagues who know about my HRT and partial transitioning have referred several gender curious individuals to me but I refuse to see them until I am finished with my training (to be a psychiatrist) so I can have both the "experience" and "qualification" to diagnose and treat. It is an odd combination and I certainly didn't plan it out this way. I wanted to become a doctor to ease the suffering of others but only realized later that by doing that meant I can distract myself from my own sufferings. I don't see this as anything wrong as long as I am aware that I am doing this. I also mentioned that in my post "ask a transsexual" that having experienced what we experienced can sometimes be seen as a very rewarding adventure and I still believe so.

Like you said, experience is priceless, but it only serves as a tool for generating understanding and empathy because every individual's experience is unique and couldn't or shouldn't be generalized. I imagine my future patients would have a lot of questions for me if they found out I was indeed a transsexual. I still don't know what I would say to them at this stage but I imagine like me, they might want some perspective and probably sense of belonging instead of feeling all alone.

So with your help today, hopefully one day I will grow into a more mature and qualified therapist, with both the experience and qualifications to treat, and with any luck, I can remain as pretty as my avatar portrays me to be.

Dear Sarah,

One other aspect of your post speaks to me, namely : "I do wonder sometimes if I would have been better off doing this earlier but I knew I would've been overwhelmed or deprived myself of relationships with women. " There is an astonishing melancholy in this sentence but also such a musical segue. The ritardando of your melancholy carries within itself the accelerando of transformation happening.

Hi Kathryn, there is much I wish to say to you (good things) but could only come up with "thank you". I sound so shallow in comparison to you! >_<

Sorry if this sounds blunt, why ask us?

AFAIK, no-one here knows you from Adam, few if any, are even qualified to answer your question. We can only respond from our own experiences, which for a forum of this size is vast and varied.

My response is You are who you are, don't ask others to define you.

Hi Nigella, I am acutely aware of the limitations on this forum and I've highlighted several times in my posts in the "loved ones" thread. On the other hand, I am asking exactly that you "respond for your own experience" and let me be the one to filter whatever information I receive. I know that I am who I am, but we sometimes define ourselves in relation to others as well. I use the analogy of the GPS, where a person's position is determined by calculating the distance between him and 3 - 4 other GPS satellites. I know where I stand if I can know where you stood. So although I understand that it is ultimately up to me for forge my own identity, your experience gives me the confidence to explore and relate. Don't you think that is important enough?

The important part isn't signing up for surgery, it's learning to embrace whatever identity suits you. Hormones can help that feeling of peace. Physical alterations are more a matter of achieving a congruent body image that suits the identity once you've established it, and simplifying interactions with others by aligning with expected social cues. If your avatar is a self-portrait, though, I don't think you'd have any trouble being perceived as female. So it's largely up to you to sift through your emotional baggage, try on some differenct ways of perceiving yourself, and forge a path that suits you.

Thanks Kimberly, and I agree with you on the part of learning to embrace an identity which suits me. I do think every thing I do (or don't) takes me one step closer to finding out who I am and that includes physical alterations. I never knew this was so entrenched until I started dressing en femme and found that there was something still missing. You spoke about my avatar but I'm starting to have second thoughts about it because although that is me, it is also me with a wig, heavy makeup, breast forms and body shapers. I do look pretty and passable but its still not "me". I don't put up other pictures of myself not dressed because I know I still look like a male so I went with whatever I've got. I think forging a path is difficult but I wondered if I have been doing that all along anyways. Thank you for your perspective though.

You sound like me 8 years ago. Your actions and your inner dialog are very similar to mine prior to transition.

you are doing the right things... take your time...live day by day and be open to learning about yourself.. don't make any promises to your mom or anybody ...if you are transsexual, you won't keep them....and if you are not, they will get what they want anyway...

Its comforting to know that I'm not alone, and you are right about not promising anybody anything. I mainly promised her because she won't let the subject go and was probably on the verge of breaking down. Lets just say I was being kind to ourselves during that moment without thinking too much of future consequences.

You're certainly not alone...far from it. don't know if you can find any measure of comfort in that.

Kim, there's a huge amount of comfort I derive from that statement alone. Thank you.

[Brianna_H]

What all this says to me about you is that you are an extremely thoughtful and caring person. When you are done with training, any patient who has you for a physician or psychiatrist is very lucky. You are going to help a lot of people.

Just judging by your pics and posts, you are a lovely person, especially on the inside.

[Kimberly Kael]

You spoke about my avatar but I'm starting to have second thoughts about it because although that is me, it is also me with a wig, heavy makeup, breast forms and body shapers. I do look pretty and passable but its still not "me". I don't put up other pictures of myself not dressed because I know I still look like a male so I went with whatever I've got.

It's definitely still you. We're heavily conditioned to expect women to be carefully exaggerated by makeup and clothing then styled and posed. My avatar comes from a professional photography session a friend had planned for a few of her friends who are makeup artists, hair colorists, stylists, and so forth. Most of them were using their photographs to promote their services while mine were just for fun. Trust me, none of us looked like we'd just rolled out of bed!

A lot of what you describe as "not you" is correctable in a non-invasive fashion if you do wind up embracing a female identity. Hair grows. Laser hair removal does wonders for reducing the amount of makeup it takes to create any given look. Hormones will eventually help create some curves, and over time you'll learn what clothing works with your body shape. I slowly graduated from forms, to pad inserts, to simple flattering bras, but I've gone out without a bra occasionally with an open-backed dress that pretty much demands an au naturel look. I may not have large breasts, but I'm in good company with many other women on that front.

[LeaP]

Hi LeaP, this may sound awkward... but I'm actually a doctor. And I will become a psychiatrist in a couple years so I hope I won't become one of the "ill-educated therapists".

There's nothing awkward about it at all. I think the generalization valid and I also think you are positioned to be one of the best case examples.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sarah once again you are rewriting my script...lol..

I did makeovers, I kept the best pics and I thought of them as "me"... it was very nice for a while... I always say go day by day because your own inner dialog will tell you the truth if you are willing to listen...are pictures, outings, en femme time etc going to be enough to make you feel ok with your life?? you deserve to find that out...

and if you are not ok, then you have a responsibility to yourself to find out what will make it ok

[Maria in heels]

Sarah...I think that you are just yourself. We all have that inner part that makes up our persona, and some of us tend to show it more than others. Your on your journey, and only you can decide which paths to turn on and when to continue walking straight

love
Maria