Rejecting men

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'd prefer to think of it as "experienced"

hehe

[shawnsheila]

I have been hit on by men before
Now, while part of me feels validated that I pass as a woman enough for a dude to hit on me, most of the time I feel creeped out because of how the guys hit on me. Plus, I have no interest in men at all and I am married to a beautiful woman so no man would ever have a chance. It still feels icky with how some of these creepy dudes can be to a woman.

[becky77]

Ooh, what intrigue!

[whowhatwhen]

i'd prefer to think of it as "experienced"

hehe

I can only think of one time, then again I'm relatively new.

[Brooke Smith]

The last person to have a fake ID here spent a long, long, long time building it up.
Somehow I don't think circumventing that isn't going to be too hard for someone dedicated enough.

In defense of safe haven...

I have no idea who you are referring to,but after being a long time member of SH I was removed,after declaring,"I was not a woman." I guess that must be the final test.Whatever,I am what I am.

The point is,SH gives a questioning person a place to ask personal questions that they my not feel comfortable asking in front of the entire www. Anyone who stumbles in here for whatever purpose can read this forum. I find that kind of creepy.

What is the worst that can happen if someone doesn't quite pass the test? I hope no one suffered from my time spent there,I certainly enjoyed the company.

[DebbieL]

One of the things EVERY woman confronts at some point in her life is the reality that she will receive unwanted attention from some men.

If you could create "The Magic Dress" that made a woman invisible to all of the jerks and irresistable to the men she wanted to attract - you would be a billionaire in about a week.

Since there is no "Magic Dress" we have to rely on other tactics like learning to blend (women have to do it too). We have to look, dress, and act, age appropriate, weight appropriate, and situation appropriate. If we are so much more attractive than all of the other women in the mall, restaurant, or social gathering, then we will get a lot of attention we probably don't want. Too much attention increases the chances of getting read, and worse.

I dress appropriate to work, and I still find it very interesting that men behave radically different with me now that I occurr as a woman to them. They hold the door, help me with my cases at the airport, hold the elevator, and dozens of other polite acts, and in exchange they want to be acknowledged with a bit of innocent flirtation. I am married and have replaced my larger wedding ring with a band and Engagement Ring. i got my first ones at Claires for under $15 and was amazed at how many compliments I got on my "Diamonds". A good Jeweler can set you up with a nice gold band and solitaire with CZ for far less than you might think. Lee told me that if I got a real diamond bigger than her's, she'd break my fingers to take it off and keep it for herself. Even a smaller diamond would be upsetting.

The rings don't completely deterr the men, but it does help keep things polite. Also, my wife has a name that is often associated with men (Lee) so when I start talking about Lee and "my other half" they can get the message that I'm taken. Sometimes I slip and use a feminine pronoun and that can sometimes pique interest I don't really want.

After a decade of having boys being a form of terror, fear, and hardship, and then dealing with them as competitors and rivals at work, in romance, and in social environments, it was almost upsetting to see them suddenly become so helpful, kind, gentle, and patient. It took some getting used to. I also had concerns that maybe they were hoping to get lucky as well. It took almost a year to learn how to smile and giggle and acknowledge them as men without making it look like I was interested.

The one that's even stranger is when someone finds out that I'm transsexual and then wants to know if I've had the "bottom work" done. My usual comeback is "why, were you hoping to have sex with me?". On a very few rare occaisions, the answer was "yes, I think you're quite beautiful and I'd love to take you out". That's when I really do have to let them know I don't have what they are hoping for. If they were hoping for a girl they could penetrate - not able to do that. At the same time, I don't have anything capable of penetrating them either. I was never endowed, tiny in fact, and the HRT has made things down there even smaller.

In early transition, even I went too far to the "Sexy and Beautiful" side. The skirts were too short and too tight, the blouses too low cut, and the wigs too full and curly. I had guys coming on to me at really awkward times. One guy followed me all the way around Walgreens for almost an hour and started stroking my thighs and but. He had a gentle touch, but he was also overweight and a bit ugly, and I was still getting used to men being nice at all. I was frequently approached as if I was a hooker, and one guy even offered me $700 for a night (turned him down).

There are some men who see us and realize what we are, and they actually find it exciting and attractive. However, they often get us confused with drag queens, or she-male hookers who are in in for the cash.

Learning to blend, often with me pouting at Lee and even calling her "Mom" - acting a bit like a teen aged daughter because she insisted that I dress appropriately. However, once I finally took her coaching, and started dressing more like a "slightly above average woman", I found that I rarely got read, rarely even got noticed, by men or women, and even when men did show me simple courtesies, there was little or no expectation other than that I give them a smile and maybe a nice perky hello.

I hope that you reach the point where you are able to enjoy the attention of men without feeling that you must "reject" them. You don't have to go to bed with them just because you smile and say a sweet hello.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Brooke -- its not about passing a test...there is nothing to be defensive about.
We are talking about a person that purposefully lied about everything for many years and did it in all sections of the forum...including highly personal discussions that mattered a lot to people...!!!
It seems to me that you went there on a search and found what you were looking for (or what you are not looking for!!)..how could anyone have a problem with that?

[PretzelGirl]

I have only been hit on by Louie. That boxer sure had a good grip on my thigh, so rejection was tough.

I think we have a regular flow of "made up" members. Some aren't so obvious. The one that appears to be referenced used time to build a lie that absolutely would be seen as too good to be true in a shorter time frame. I believe the mods dump a lot of them behind the scenes, so we may not see them for long. It all comes down to the fact that we can only have faith that everyone here is real. Seeing them have interactions with others outside of the forum helps a lot to reach credibility.

[Badtranny]

wow

just wow. The TS forum is beginning to look pretty freaky these days. Pro tip kids: A solid 80% of what you read here is pure BS most likely made up on the spot. The rest of it is mostly BS that is a little better thought out. In the former category, I'm staying the hell out of Walgreens for sure.

Dudes who are into trannies are just like dudes who are into women. A good 3rd of them are creepy as ****. The rest of them are just dudes with a preference. Who cares if they like a pickle on the side? God bless 'em.

In regard to fakes and phonies and whatnot, I believe this whole forum is swarming with them. I mean seriously, the names are fake, and most of the pictures are fake, so how hard is it to believe that the stories are fake? but who cares right? This is all just a goof. dudes like to wear panties and make up some bullshit for the forum before they stroke the poke to some internet porn. What's the big deal? I certainly don't give a damn. any more.

In regard to Safe Haven (LOL) It is SUPPOSED to be a 'safe' place for transitioners to discuss some of the more serious transition issues privately without the creepy fakers interjecting ridiculous stories about their pretend transitions. I would personally never join something like that unless there was an actual identity check and since that is unlikely for a host of good reasons, (Tam doesn't need the grief for one) that "safe haven" will remain what it is; Exactly like the TS forum but with a LOT less people.

[whowhatwhen]

Okay then, what identity checks do you want anyway?
I doubt you can fake pictures as easily as you suggest though, all it takes is a reverse image search to tell if it's been somewhere else.

What do you count as real?
Completed transitions?
Do in progress ones count?

I'm curious :P

[Frances]

The fake photos thing has been done. There used to a forumite who posted photos of his "wife." I found tons more photos of his "wife" from a stock photo service on line. They came with a watermark, that was removed when you bought them. He showed one photo "he" took (and bought) on this forum. I saw the whole album elsewhere (with watermarks).

I see more misinterpretation of what I said earlier.

There is nothing wrong with men liking trans women. Men who like trans women hit on women they perceive as trans (that's their orientation). Therefore women who are trans-identifiable will get hit on by such men. These women can visibly trans or they can also be 100% passable, but announce themselves as trans.

Now here's the thing:

A lot of men who are trans-oriented treat trans women like prostitute who cannot deny them service.

Before SRS, I used to advertise myself on dating sites as trans. 9 out of 10 messages were not creepy, they were business-like. As in, "can you be here in 15 minutes?" or "Your fingernails and toenails have to be in perfect condition it's super important to me!"

[LeaP]

I'm sorry I raised the identity thing. While it's possible to implement a reasonable identity check, people would rather focus on why it won't work. It's irrelevant anyway. I have my own criteria for credibility, and it starts with only extending fully to those whose lives I can validate in the real world, either directly, or via people I know. Period. There are approximately a dozen active members here that fall in that category.

[Michelle.M]

Aside from actually meeting people (or doing an online video chat) there really isn’t much that can be done to verify anyone. According to the site stats there are 5,183 active members. I have personally met Misty and one other *, and a couple of other members have been verified by people I trust. Total of 5 verified members, including me.

No, the identity thing is important, but what’s more relevant is how you see this site rather than how you see the people who use it. To me, this is just words on a screen and not much more, and I treat my posts as I would if I were writing an article or an email that might be distributed in ways that I can’t control. As for divulging personal info, I do that face to face.

* Plus about 8 or so of the members who identify as crossdressers,

[Badtranny]

Before SRS, I used to advertise myself on dating sites as trans. 9 out of 10 messages were not creepy, they were business-like. As in, "can you be here in 15 minutes?" or "Your fingernails and toenails have to be in perfect condition it's super important to me!"

I used to have an ad on Match.com that explicitly stated I was a transsexual woman, right across the top because I didn't want to have that 'conversation' later. This was right about the time that I was beginning to take very natural looking pictures so I had quite a few in my profile. So I start chatting with this guy and he seemed really great. The next day I gave him my number and he called me. We were having a great conversation until he asked me what I like to do on the weekends. Well, it was about a year ago so my lifestyle was kind of in flux so I said, "well since the transition a lot of things have changed so..." he replied "what transition?" I said, "what? didn't you read my profile?" him "um a little bit, I mostly just looked at the pictures I guess", me "well I am a transgender woman and I say so right on the profile ", him "what do you mean?" "I mean I was born a dude, and I've transitioned and now I'm legally a woman", "holy shit I had no idea, have you had the surgery?" "now is that an appropriate question for somebody you just met (laugh)", "yeah I think so, send me a naked picture". "what? why would you ask that" "come on baby, I want to see your body, maybe we could still go out". "you can see my body in the profile pics and I'm not interested anymore anyway" "no I mean some naked pics, c'mon" "no thanks, please don't call me again"

Basically, this guy was super sweet and charming until he found out I was trans and then the gloves came off. (or should I say the pants)

Moral of the story? Guys don't read the profiles and they think that we're ****s. I might in fact be a **** under certain circumstances but at least I have self respect. ;-)

[Michelle.M]

Moral of the story? Guys don't read the profiles and they think that we're ****s.

Oh, same thing happened to me (minus the phone call). I've had more than a few email exchanges where guys approached me without reading a single word I had written, and the dialog went exactly like yours did.

It is true, men tend to think with their little heads instead of their big ones.

[Angela Campbell]

Yeah but it is easy to use the little head to completely confuse the big one.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's interesting Frances... and I can confirm it...

I have always said here that one real bummer about being transsexual is how "society" marginalizes/sexualizes/dehumanizes us... its a complicated thing because these things happen across many groups...races dehumanize races..religions do it to religions....men often do these things to genetic women as well but we are very low on the pecking order...pretty much everybody does it to us...its "common knowledge" to people that don't know a transsexual that we are all deluded she male hookers (exaggerate to make the point)...

When I dated men as a self identified CD..i did it for a very short time as I experimented with my sexuality... and I had the same treatment...Can you come over right now??? was the main question...one time when I said no (I always said no to this) the guy said "you are turning me down?? wtf?!!"and slammed down the phone. that really stuck with me..

that all being said, most of my current friends are cd's... I made a lot of great friends prior to transition and they are mostly still friends... i'm thinking of 5 i'm really close to and THREE of them act like *****s with multiple boyfriends that come by...
these are men...and part of their sexuality is to dress and be treated as woman...I have not problem with it...but it fits into this meme and although it actually has nothing to do with me..(I am not a man) its very difficult to explain that to a cisgender person..
they may hear me, but its not something where the easily "get it"

also I've counseled a 6 ts people that have not transitioned from a therapy group I used to attend.....FOUR of them asked me about working for sex.... its like a plague on us...

you can take the position "F the world, I know what I am" but you can't ignore this...your loved ones, your friends , your work colleagues are all subject to this thinking and media does everything it can to perpetuate the idea i'm talking about..

Even here we talk about life and death situations, families breaking up, and jobs being lost with folks that post pictures of their painted toenails, panty hosed legs and profile shots of gigantic boobs..

pls don't get me wrong... to each their own, and I am all for sexual freedom and we should all pursue our sexuality in a positive way ..and that includes fetishes of any safe variety... but it does impact the transsexual people who suffer from a condition that is totally different than all this stuff and we sometimes have rough discussions here but you can't deny its helpful to be crystal clear that lots of folks that post here are not here because they are transsexual or even support transsexuals..

I think the best defense against all this is to transition well and thrive..the people around will see it and it will inoculate them against this "common wisdom"...and it can create allies for us in the inevitable prurient conversations that go on behind our backs all the time...i'm not the preachy type but this stuff is just prevalent and ignoring it ignores reality..

[becky77]

I have my own criteria for credibility, and it starts with only extending fully to those whose lives I can validate in the real world, either directly, or via people I know. Period. There are approximately a dozen active members here that fall in that category.

So unless I fly to America and personally meet you, I have no credibility. Charming!

[whowhatwhen]

There's a difference between being weary of people online and assuming 90% of people here just faking everything, the latter seems pointless.
If you've got proof, use it. Otherwise it's just white noise.

[Kimberly Kael]

There's a difference between being weary of people online and assuming 90% of people here just faking everything, the latter seems pointless.

There's a lot of grey area between the extremes you're listed. Some healthy skepiticsm is generally warranted when dealing with people when you don't have personal history. I distrust most advertisers for the same reason I remain skeptical of people here describing their too-good-to-be-true experiences (others seeing signs of breast growth through clothing days after starting HRT? Please.)

If you've got proof, use it. Otherwise it's just white noise.

It's nobody's job to convince you one way or another. That doesn't stop anyone here from being reasonably wary of claims made. I'm sure I trigger a few alarms for people, myself, which is part of why I've gone out of my way to meet a few people from the forum who can vouch for me.

[Kathryn Martin]

So unless I fly to America and personally meet you, I have no credibility. Charming!

No there are a lot of things that speak to the authenticity of a person.

I have skyped with people, I have met some of the people here, I have linked with some on Linked In, I have given some my email address, some have my facebook id and thus have had a chance to check out my professional website etc.

And last but not least, there are things that can be read between the lines of peoples comments that support their authenticity.

[Marleena]

Not spot the fake again! I've only met one other TS member from here (we go to the same endo) in her city.

I decided not to join Safe Haven even though I think I belong there. I didn't want to scare others off. I get bad vibes from a few of the TS members ( maybe it's just me) but there also some that I would love to meet in person.

As far as getting hit on by men, I imagine it goes with the territory and consider yourself lucky.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i can actually understand some people fearing to let themselves be less anonymous..at least as they work things out...and kathryn we both agree a huge part of a good transition is control of information...it can make a person seem shady when all they are is nervous

i think your last sentence says it all
i can tell almost every time..i bet you can too....i don't need proof...you just need time to let things sink in...after a bit you can just tell because there are lots "tells" that people say...and it makes sense to challenge a person and see what they say...how else can you learn to communicate with somebody you just met?

... i will go out on a limb and say everybody on this particular thread is relatively(heh) genuine.....maybe somebody thinks i'm not genuine, oh well!!!...

also i meet people in person too and sometimes they were total fakers...we all make mistakes and bad judgements about people..its not just an internet forum thing...however it is like online poker...who the hell knows whats going at that other computer and what color panties they are wearing ..

so all you can do is make your best judgement and decide who you believe and who you don't... and act accordingly..

[LeaP]

So unless I fly to America and personally meet you, I have no credibility. Charming!

Well ... Ummm ... Hmmm ... Maybe?

LOL! I like Kathryn's answer.

I decided not to join Safe Haven even though I think I belong there. ... I get bad vibes from a few of the TS members ...)

I'm frightening - it's true. And I have the performance reviews to prove it. Be very afraid!

[Marleena]

Lol.. no you're fine Lea, you still put up with me.