Rejecting men

[Michelle789]

Today, I had to go to Hollywood for a blood test - I have been on HRT for 18 days and was tested for my potassium levels. Afterwards, I decided to do some window shopping. I parked in a public parking lot, and the parking attendant starts hitting on me. He asked me my name, and he introduced himself. We were talking for like a minute, and he then asks me for my phone number. I told him, sorry I have a boyfriend. I really meant it too - I have a boyfriend that I've been seeing for almost two months. I was a bit scared too when he asked me for my number, because he meant business. I felt very mixed emotions when being approached by a strange guy for my phone number. He understood and was polite about it and I walked away and went about my own business.

I have mixed feelings like any other woman, especially a transwoman, about male attention. I like that it validates my identity as female, and I am flattered that men find me attractive, but it can also be annoying sometimes too especially when a guy gets too aggressive, like what happened to me last month when a guy followed me around for 10 minutes, and when I told him I had a boyfriend, he asked me if I wanted another one - he was that brazen.

Please keep in mind that for this story, that the aggressive guy incident happened last month. The guy in the parking lot took rejection like a gentleman.

Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me - to be hit on by, and to reject men.

Rejection must be hard on them, especially if it comes from a transwoman lol.

[celeste26]

Try wearing a ring on your finger and just point it out when a guy "asks." No words need even be spoken since for most guys that closes the discussion. The ones who are not stopped by merely pointing to that ring you need to run away from cus they probably wont take a no of any kind.

[Michelle.M]

Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me - to be hit on by, and to reject men.

Yup! Welcome to the sisterhood!

[Jorja]

Sounds like a normal day. Get used to it.

[Badtranny]

If I had a dollar for every time a strange man put the moves on me, ...I'd have just about a dollar.

I think you might be exaggerating a tiny bit. I can't help but notice you don't post many pics.

[Rhonda Jean]

If I had a dollar for every time a strange man put the moves on me, ...I'd have just about a dollar.

How about dinner and a movie?

A drink after work?

Lots of drinks after work?

[Michelle789]

In the "being hit upon contest", I am currently $7 ahead of Melissa.

Oh, and I don't go to bars or clubs. I also spend a lot of time around my boyfriend, so that probably curbs me getting hit on in public. All the times I have been hit on are when I am not with my boyfriend. I don't mean to brag, nor am I complaining. I simply accept it as fact of life.

The men that have hit on me have ranged from mid 20s to mid 40s.

[Martha G]

I dress as a woman at times for costume parties. And I do make an attractive and passable woman.

But I have never been hit upon.

People do actually think that I am a woman when dressed, but that is about far as it goes.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Michelle, I don't care how you feel about men, it's your own impression of them that counts for you. But how would your boyfriend feel about this? Are you disgusted by these aggressive advances towards you? Or do you really not want male attention?
Men hit on women all the time, how else can we find a mate? Some guys are just more aggressive than others.
As a woman, it is only you that can politely say no thank you, or say yes I'll have that drink.
I think what I'm saying is... Don't plan for a future of rejecting men, a 2 month relationship is great, the first months of a relationship are incredible! But if you condition yourself to deny men and their advances towards you, If this new relationship goes wrong, you may have trouble finding another.
Sure some of the asses need to be rejected, but don't think that way of all men.
I hope your boyfriend truly appreciates you, and rejecting men is more of an, I'm sorry I'm taken, than a get lost Boso!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Michelle789]

@Krystyn,

I am not disgusted. I accept that being hit on is fact of life for a woman. Since I have a boyfriend, I will reject men that ask me out. If we break up and I'm single again, than it might depend on the guy. Some guys I will reject, some guys I will accept the drink (non alcoholic since I don't drink) or date.

@Melissa

I don't post pictures because there is software that can recognize my image and link it to my male image, outing me to the world. I simply want to avoid any unnecessary means of outing myself. I have joined Safe Haven recently, and I might post some pics on there, since it requires membership to get in.

I think you might be exaggerating a tiny bit too - I don't believe you've been hit on only once in the past two years.

[Aprilrain]

I can't say I've ever had any random strangers hit on me. I see guys checking me out and if I don't see them my girlfriend does but they never approach me. The only times I've been hit on were really early on in my transition. One was at a bar where a lot of trans women hung out and one was at a gay night club. Both times I'm pretty sure that the guys knew I was trans and that is what they were after.

Melissa, you live in a saturated market. I don't remember the exact number but the percentage of women to men in the Bay Area is high. Not to mention the large number of gay men in SF. Have you considered a move to Alaska or North Dakota?

[noeleena]

Hi.

Well i wont say its not happened it has though it was far worse than that, though in the main men would not look at me because im not pretty , feminine or even a good looking female , so my disadvantages facial feature is my advantage, and thats being a female what i find strange is why would 3 men propistion me for friendship . marrage.

For goodness sake are they blind i mean come on the same photo you see here to the left. what do they see in me, Theres many lovely women out there i know and a 4 th one i thought was nice again though again i back away,

Just be carefull and be aware we do have to contend with males .

...noeleena...

[Nicole Erin]

The older you get, the less you will be hit on.

The invalidating thing though, it is not about men wanting to date us because we are trans, it is that guys who flirt (with me at least) are yuck-o.

Another fun part is when men do hit on us, it is hard to know if they know the deal. I know a lot of TS like to think they are all passable and stealth'ish and even their own mother doesn't know but for real, we don;t really know what people are thinking. We cannot really say, "hey would you have guessed...?"

If it is some chick hitting on us that is different cause either she is into that sort of thing or at the very least is understanding.

[DeeDee1974]

Also men are just wired differently. I once witnessed a guy go through a group of my friends at a bar and get rejected by each one. Then he turns to me and says how about you? Clearly there was one thing on this guys mind that night and coming in 5th place didn't feel all that good. My friend Diane put it best - he was a predator.

I'm the type who is wired to have one crush on a guy at a time.

[Amanda1128]

I agree with previous post. If your current relationship doesn't work out, you will want to be hit on.

[Kimberly Kael]

I don't post pictures because there is software that can recognize my image and link it to my male image, outing me to the world.

It's just as feasible to connect your writing style, and there's plenty of software to do just that. Nobody is under any obligation to share more of themselves than they're comfortable with, but nobody posts in a public forum with accepting at least some risk. Your ISP definitely knows where you've been spending time, should they care to check.

... but back to your original post. Yes, you'll get at least some male attention just by virtue of presenting as female. You'll get more by hanging out in bars, and more still by lingering in dark alleys. Every woman learns how to handle herself and be graceful but clear about rejection out of necessity. Be careful out there.

[Badtranny]

I have joined Safe Haven recently, and I might post some pics on there, since it requires membership to get in.

LOL

I don't know what makes it "safe" but it certainly isn't difficult to become a 'member'. I'd like to know how many 'members' have actually transitioned.

Melissa, you live in a saturated market. I don't remember the exact number but the percentage of women to men in the Bay Area is high. Not to mention the large number of gay men in SF. Have you considered a move to Alaska or North Dakota?

You're absolutely right April, but I'd rather be single here than live with Mr Right anywhere else. This is truly God's country here, and that's saying a lot considering I don't believe in a God or Gods. ;-)

I've lived in a few different states, but California and especially the SF Bay is a truly special place.

[LeaP]

LOL

I don't know what makes it "safe" but it certainly isn't difficult to become a 'member'.

Nope. I'd be in favor of vetting membership there. Identity disclosed and transitioned, in transition, on HRT, etc.

THAT might be safe. Not gonna hold my breath, though.

I've lived in a few different states, but California and especially the SF Bay is a truly special place.

Yeah, except for the cost of living, the taxes, the earthquakes, the CA economy, the corrupt politics, and a few other charms. Oh, and I froze my butt off the first time I went there. I lived in the Bay Area for a year in college and spent a lot of time in SF. SF is fun (and beats the living hell out of the East Bay and Hayward in particular), but not Nirvana. Glad you're happy with it, though!

[arbon]

a few weeks of hrt must really be doing wonders for you.

I've been on hrt for 4 yrs and your already $4 or $5 ahead of me. You must look pretty amazing to get hit on so often!

[Frances]

I get hit on often by creepy old men and not often enough by cute guys. I remain polite all the time. Men are only really aggressive with me on line, not so much in person.

This is going to sound bad, but the only trans women I know who get harassed by aggressive men are the ones who look trans. It's almost like men think of them as prostitutes or service providers and don't extend to them the right of choice to deny.

[whowhatwhen]

Nope. I'd be in favor of vetting membership there. Identity disclosed and transitioned, in transition, on HRT, etc.

THAT might be safe. Not gonna hold my breath, though.

I can put my HRT prescription between my boobs and take a pic if that would help but otherwise there is no such thing on the internet as a safe space.
Everything has a risk.

[mechamoose]

I can put my HRT prescription between my boobs and take a pic if that would help

It would start a meme, honey!

Go for it!

- MM

[Michelle.M]

I can put my HRT prescription between my boobs and take a pic if that would help but otherwise there is no such thing on the internet as a safe space.
Everything has a risk.

We can show pics of our boobs here? I'm in!

[LeaP]

...there is no such thing on the internet as a safe space.
Everything has a risk.

My concern with "safety" is credibility, not exposure or similar. You can get around any identity system, of course, but the number of frauds would dwindle.

[DebbieL]

One of the things EVERY woman confronts at some point in her life is the reality that she will receive unwanted attention from some men.

If you could create "The Magic Dress" that made a woman invisible to all of the jerks and irresistable to the men she wanted to attract - you would be a billionaire in about a week.

Since there is no "Magic Dress" we have to rely on other tactics like learning to blend (women have to do it too). We have to look, dress, and act, age appropriate, weight appropriate, and situation appropriate. If we are so much more attractive than all of the other women in the mall, restaurant, or social gathering, then we will get a lot of attention we probably don't want. Too much attention increases the chances of getting read, and worse.

I dress appropriate to work, and I still find it very interesting that men behave radically different with me now that I occurr as a woman to them. They hold the door, help me with my cases at the airport, hold the elevator, and dozens of other polite acts, and in exchange they want to be acknowledged with a bit of innocent flirtation. I am married and have replaced my larger wedding ring with a band and Engagement Ring. i got my first ones at Claires for under $15 and was amazed at how many compliments I got on my "Diamonds". A good Jeweler can set you up with a nice gold band and solitaire with CZ for far less than you might think. Lee told me that if I got a real diamond bigger than her's, she'd break my fingers to take it off and keep it for herself. Even a smaller diamond would be upsetting.

The rings don't completely deterr the men, but it does help keep things polite. Also, my wife has a name that is often associated with men (Lee) so when I start talking about Lee and "my other half" they can get the message that I'm taken. Sometimes I slip and use a feminine pronoun and that can sometimes pique interest I don't really want.

After a decade of having boys being a form of terror, fear, and hardship, and then dealing with them as competitors and rivals at work, in romance, and in social environments, it was almost upsetting to see them suddenly become so helpful, kind, gentle, and patient. It took some getting used to. I also had concerns that maybe they were hoping to get lucky as well. It took almost a year to learn how to smile and giggle and acknowledge them as men without making it look like I was interested.

The one that's even stranger is when someone finds out that I'm transsexual and then wants to know if I've had the "bottom work" done. My usual comeback is "why, were you hoping to have sex with me?". On a very few rare occaisions, the answer was "yes, I think you're quite beautiful and I'd love to take you out". That's when I really do have to let them know I don't have what they are hoping for. If they were hoping for a girl they could penetrate - not able to do that. At the same time, I don't have anything capable of penetrating them either. I was never endowed, tiny in fact, and the HRT has made things down there even smaller.

In early transition, even I went too far to the "Sexy and Beautiful" side. The skirts were too short and too tight, the blouses too low cut, and the wigs too full and curly. I had guys coming on to me at really awkward times. One guy followed me all the way around Walgreens for almost an hour and started stroking my thighs and but. He had a gentle touch, but he was also overweight and a bit ugly, and I was still getting used to men being nice at all. I was frequently approached as if I was a hooker, and one guy even offered me $700 for a night (turned him down).

There are some men who see us and realize what we are, and they actually find it exciting and attractive. However, they often get us confused with drag queens, or she-male hookers who are in in for the cash.

Learning to blend, often with me pouting at Lee and even calling her "Mom" - acting a bit like a teen aged daughter because she insisted that I dress appropriately. However, once I finally took her coaching, and started dressing more like a "slightly above average woman", I found that I rarely got read, rarely even got noticed, by men or women, and even when men did show me simple courtesies, there was little or no expectation other than that I give them a smile and maybe a nice perky hello.

I hope that you reach the point where you are able to enjoy the attention of men without feeling that you must "reject" them. You don't have to go to bed with them just because you smile and say a sweet hello.