Divorced

[PaulaQ]

Over the past year, I guess I've posted a lot about my coming out, and the disintegration of my 18 year marriage to the love of my life.

I guess my story is kind of over today, because we finalized our divorce.

She wasn't there - we agreed on a settlement, signed off on it, and my attorney and I met with the presiding judge in his chambers. My attorney and I had made an appointment to get the judge to sign off on the divorce. We had to wait a little while, but perhaps half an hour after our appointment time, the judge called us in to his office.

He read the decree, citing my name, and my wife's name, and the case number. Looking at me, he asked "I take it you are Kim?" My attorney explained to him that "No, this is Scott - my client is transgender." The judge looked a little startled, and then he swore me in, my attorney asked me a bunch of questions under oath, and the judge signed off on the decree.

It took only a few minutes to legally dissolve the marriage, although for all real purposes, the marriage had been over for the year we've been separated.

We have a little bit of personal business to attend to. I will pay her some support for a while - I'll just wire the money to her. My attorney will arrange things so that closing on the home we're selling here in Dallas can be handled entirely by me. So I won't see her then. I don't expect to see her, or speak to her by phone while we finish up our business and unwind the last few details of our marriage. I haven't seen her since last November, and haven't spoken to her since March. Barring something happening to one of our kids, I don't really expect to see her again.

I had kind of hoped she'd send me a vacation photo of herself, she was in Hawaii last week. But instead she sent me a photo of the observatory in Hawaii. So I guess that will have to do.

Anyway, it's over. I ought to be relieved, and I guess I partly am because this really needed to be over for the both of us. We both need to move on, and heal up. But I'm also sad, because I really do still love her. But it's just an impossible situation. She can't love a woman, and I can't be a man anymore.

So I don't really know how much more I'll have to say about my life that's of any relevance here. I can't imagine that there will be much to say - I have written about the end of my marriage after coming out as transgender, and it's over. Really, what else is there to say?

I have some more transition stuff to do. I'll eventually get it done, although it'll be hard while I'm paying support. Or I won't. Who knows, really? I'll be OK though. There's just not much else to say about myself - there's about a zillion stories of transition out there. Mine isn't anything particularly special or interesting.

I do appreciate folks who've followed along through all of this, and sent me encouraging thoughts. Thanks!

[Amanda M]

Paula, maybe it is not an end, it's a new beginning. Or maybe you could make it that way.

Thinking od you,
Amanda

[susmitha]

Dear Paula,
Wish you and your ex-wife best of luck, either together (as just good friends, if there was no ill-feeling or sense of mutual anger at the time of divorce) or separately, whichever way future is going to unwind in front of you.

[PaulaQ]

@susmitha - I don't expect my ex-wife and I will ever be friends. I'm the ghost of her dead husband - it'll take a long time for her to get over that. I know her really well, and the sad fact is I'm the type of woman she wouldn't enjoy a friendship with.

It would be nice to get her back as a friend, we were always best friends, and I miss that. Realistically, though, it's probably not in the cards.

I'm hoping she meets someone soon, and finds a new life. One I couldn't give her.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Paula, I think you need to do what quite a few women do these days and throw a divorce party! Yes, it's bittersweet and in poor taste...but dang, it feels good to drink cocktails when you're feeling down!

And for the record, you're a much needed supportive and helpful voice here for GG's, too, as you've helped me and I know many others who've visited here. This journey is not just about the crossdresser, is it? You get this. It really helps to know at least one person here can understand the other side.

You might not talk much about your life anymore, but I hope you stay and help others anyway. xx

[Dolly Parton]

Look at it as the first day of the reset of your life. I really feel the same this painful situation.

[Amanda L.]

Paula thanks for sharing your story. It is very brave of you to wear your heart on your sleeve like that. I cant begin to imagine what you must be feeling or going through.
I sincerely wish you all the best for the road ahead.
Luv
Amanda

[Roxie]

Paula. Getting a divorced is a hard thing to go through no matter what the reasons are,as I've been down that road myself.I'll give you all the credit in the world for standing up for who you are. Time does heal a lot of issues ,but not all seeing how my x-wife still hates my guts. Good luck with your new life and Transition ,my only real advice would be stay in your kids life as much as possible.They are the ones that are most important in all of this.Please keep us up to date on your life.GOOD LUCK and may the wind always be on your back.
Roxie

[charlenesomeone]

Repeat what Roxie said, I divorced when my kids were young,
but tried to keep in touch with them. Each situation is unique,
all the best.
Char

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, It's like the old saying, When one door closes another door opens.

How old are your children and do you still see them ??

[Mollyanne]

Hi Paula, Yes, the divorce is a sad commentary on the finality of a marriage that didn't or couldn't work out. Being the person who we are ( transgendered, gay, lesbian or cd) is not an easy option for someone to accept and in most cases it ends this way. Look around at all "the family of friends and sisters" you have here. I can't speak for anyone except for myself so I am extending my hand in friendship should you ever need it.

Molly

[mykell]

hi paula,
this road you have traveled has had many ups and downs and has now come to wind down to its conclusion, on your new path do take time to put yourself first now and find the things that paula wants/needs. build yourself a new strong foundation and rise up. control what you can and dont fixate on what you cant. the other pieces may fall into place in the future or not at all.

seems you may have a new calling and im pretty sure you will still be relevant here,
after reading about hazels excursion you may have stumbled into a new position, personal shopper, CD Concierge, endless possibilities.
but if you can help someone have a "best day ever" you have a gift to share, has to make your heart tingle, its OK to feel good about yourself.....

tink may be right, a party , not for the end, for the new beginning, when your ready, you deserve it.....

[Lynn Marie]

I've been divorced for a number of years now. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I've seen it all along as not a loss, but a gaining of the whole world to play in! I realize that marriage is a biological necessity for raising children, but really unnecessary for living the good life! Once you divorce the idea that you must have a wife or even a girlfriend, you find the amazing joy of freedom to be who you want and to do as you like!

[Jorja]

Well, it is a shame it had to come down to divorce but all that nastiness is over now. Pick up and move on living your life.

[Andy66]

Sorry to hear that youre going through so much, Paula. Best of luck with your new beginning.

[CynthiaD]

There may be a zillion stories about transition out there, but yours is special to you. It's really good of you to share. I'm glad you've chosen to do so. I'm sad that you had to divorce and lose your best friend. It's a big world. You have a new life, and there will be new friends. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

[Megan b]

Hey Paula, I'm sorry for your loss. I got divorced last year after 24 years of marriage. It's the hardest thing I've ever lived threw. I still mourn the loss of my marriage. I loved my ex-wife but she could not deal with the cding any longer. All I can say is hang in there.

[Annaliese]

Hugs, hugs

[Bria]

Paula, I have followed your trials and tribulations over the last year and I glad that you now have this behind you. Divorce is always a two edged sword, Glad the process is over and you can quit banging your head against the wall and sad that it had to end this way.

I hope that you know that I always remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[marsha leanne]

paula, a divorce is like a death, the grieving is the same. That said, it is also a door to a new life. Don't dwell on it, but allow yourself a grieving time, then move on. When my divorce went through i swore i would never deal with a woman again. I was wrong! It took me about 6 months to close that door and discover that in fact there was another door that was bigger.
my son and I have both moved on and have a great relationship now. My ex did remarry but to her i am still an evil person.
Clear up the lingering details, while making plans to move on.

Lift your head up and look around. there is a whole world out there waiting for you, regardless of how you present.

[MatildaJ.]

Glad to hear this part of the process is over, Paula. Hope you'll stick around to share your experiences in the future.

[Sharon B.]

There a lot of fish in the sea so to speak it took me a while to get over my divorce and to start dating again. It is hard to do but we all learn to live with it. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex-wife for over twenty plus years. Lucky for me there were no kids but if there were I would have been part of the lives for sure. Whether she wanted me to be or not.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Paula. I can understand how you must feel. My wife wanted a divorce in 1984 and while it really stung for awhile and a few years, today I look at it as a blessing. It was all about me CDing. Today I have an awesome relationship with my daughters who know, thanks to the ex telling them why we divorced, and they're totally okay with it. I've had some trying times with my ex and while I took no prisoners I laid out some things she didn't like. Lately she's been more chummy. BUT! The finest things that have happened to me are a sense of being myself and meeting an angel a few years later in 1987 who is my loving wife today. We both strive to bring happiness to our relationship. Today I have all of liberties I wished for way back.

It'll happen for you Dear in some form! You can weather a storm of lonliness, maybe some guilt, and maybe some regret. I hope you, like me, will someday find the pure joy and happiness. Yes, this may be a dark time, but the darkness eventuaslly fades to light! I wish you the very best!

Cheryl

[NicoleScott]

My first wife couldn't be married to a CDer and we divorced. I haven't seen her since she drove off more than 30 years ago, and talked to her only once (small business matter). There is life after divorce.

[MissTee]

PaulaQ,
I have faced too many phenomenal tragedies in my life. Why I was picked to endure all this I'll probably never know. However, I have learned we don't get over it. Instead, we get through it.

So, with experience as my teacher I offer up that you should allow yourself adequate time to grieve. You feel what you feel no matter what wisdom someone wants to share to the contrary. It's okay to be sad, mad, confused, conflicted, or whatever. Just give yourself time to be genuine and work through the heart ache at your own pace. Hugs!