Secrets

[patti1569]

Loooong story short. I remarried after my first marriage ended in divorce largely due to my dressing. I was very open about it back then. I have told my new wife about my dressing but told her I didn't anymore. At the time I wasn't and felt that I never would again. Recently she was away and the feelings came rushing back. I dressed and had so much fun! It felt so good. Even different than in the past. No shame or regret. Just a fun time by myself.

I want to dress again on occasions like this but I don't think I will ever share it with my new wife for fear of destroying the marriage. It is so perfect.

I once had a therapist tell me that it was ok to have certain secrets from our loves ones. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm looking for input from those who do keep the secret and how they deal with that.

Thanks for reading!!

Making an edit here because it think the point of this post has been lost. It wasn't to debate if keeping secrets was right or wrong. I think everyone would agree in a perfect world we wouldn't have to. I was more
Interested in those who do keep it a secret, as crossdressers I'm certain many of us do. I have from family ,friends and loved ones most of my life. I'm more interested in hearing how people cope with it. It's not an easy thing to do. But sometimes it is done out of necessity to maintain two parts of a life that otherwise wouldn't work together. Thanks for all of your comments so far. They do mean a lot to me.

[Raychel]

If the marriage is perfect and she knows that you have dressed in the past.
Then in my opinion, I would have a discussion with her.

personal experience, secrets are never good,
I have kept secrets from my wife in the past, and it almost always ended bad.
now I am totally open with her, sure there are things she does not like.
but in the end our relationship has grown for the better.

just my thoughts and opinion, I am not a therapist, marriage counselor, doctor, and
I don't sleep at Holiday Inn Express.

[SherriePall]

Let me start by saying that I kept my dressing a secret from my wife for nearly 25 years. Had facial hair for a lot of that time, so it was completely closeted and very little make-up UNTIL I told her. She was not happy. Would still rather I didn't. Hasn't seen me, but accommodates my dressing in small ways.
With that said, and knowing that you have been out and about and looking gorgeous doing so, I don't think you can keep it a secret for as long as I did.
That said, how did she react when you told her that you had dressed in the past? That would aid in the decision to tell or not.
Other than that I have no advice. I know others who faced the same situation will chime in.

[Jenniferathome]

Cross dressing is not one of the "ok" secrets. It's a big deal. If your marriage is "perfect" then it can survive this revelation. If you can be introspective about your divorce, try to think about how much of your problems were about the wearing of female clothing as opposed to your attitude about it and her comfort being trod upon.

Good luck

[Amanda1128]

That is very difficult. I keep mine secret. I can also understand why would want to. I also agree that it is not a bad thing to share. There is no cookie cutter answer. Every relatonship is different. You have to answer what would make you happier.

[patti1569]

Unfortunately, I told my wife (before we were married) because my ex was blackmailing me and threatening to out me publicly. I told my wife to take that power away from my ex. Her response was "that's weird, but ok. You don't do it anymore". We have never talked about it again.

[Jenniferathome]

... Her response was "that's weird, but ok. ...

An almost ideal scenario response. Here's the problem: you will slip up. She will find out. Then what do you do? Coming clean AFTER the fact is always worse.

[Cheryl T]

From personal experience...secrets have a way of coming back and biting you in the butt.

I hid it from my wife out of fear (having told a previous girl friend/fiancée and losing her because of it). Long story short, she discovered my secret and it caused a lot of heart ache. I'm one of the lucky ones and she eventually became fully accepting. It was the love we share that overcame all else.

[susannma]

Hi, Patti
I am single at the moment, but think it is only you who can tell if its right or wrong to tell your loved one. I think that holding a secret is ok.

But on the other side, I try to tell my girlfriends that I dress, early in relationship, to awoid situations that will stress me up, like what will happen if she find my clothes. To me not telling in the past, led to more lies, lies to be alone so I could dress.

You said that you told her that you did dress in the past, so I guess you have some idea about how youre loved one will react to it.

But my advice will be, try to awoid telling to many lies to your wife, if she at some point finds out, its often the lies that hurt them most.

Susann

[NicoleScott]

Of course those who told and had a good outcome would think that it always works that way. But it doesn't. Telling does lead to the end of some marriages, and the "tell her" advocates won't be there for you when that happens. Rather, they'll say it must have been something else (other than CDing) that was wrong.

Many CDers here have said their marriage was strengthened when they told their wives. Maybe so, and I'll take their word for it. But there's a bit of hipocracy to suggest that CDing can't threaten a marriage, and that there must have been other reasons for its failure. It seems that there is no way to predict the reaction. Some people are accepting, and some aren't.

Wearing "different" clothes occasionally, in private, for personal satisfaction doesn't have to be a deal-breaker for a good marriage, and we all must individually weigh the risks and the rewards for telling or not telling.

My first wife couldn't be married to a CDer, and my wife now of over 20 years has no problem with it. Go figure.

[MissTee]

Unfortunately, there is no "step" program to get over CDing or to cure it. At least not that I know of. All of us here have likely experienced the on again, off again, on again calling you described. Also, by most accounts, one is not a "real" CD-er unless they've purged at least once in their life. I say this as it sounds like your girl is back on and perhaps you've found yourself frolicking in the fog. The pink fog.

I'm not a fan of keeping secrets, and I don't know that I really get it as I have a supporting spouse. You may have one as well. Deceiving and getting found will strain any relationship for certain. Only you have the knowledge to discern what your relationship will withstand. Good luck.

[patti1569]

Thanks Nicole! I think we have a similar perspective on this issue. What I'm really wondering is if I do maintain a secret, will I be ok with that. Fundamentally, I don't like it. The truth is, my marriage is more
Important to me.

Thanks! I'm all to familiar with the fog and purging!! Haha! I would agree that the pink fog snuck up on me!! Truth be told, I enjoy it . I don't fool myself anymore about being "cured". I'll always be a CDer. Its just a matter of whether I choose to dress or not.

[JocelynRenee]

I am firmly in the "tell" camp. I say this as someone who has experienced the ugliness that can follow revealing I am a cross dresser. I say this with full knowledge that cross dressing leads to divorce in many, perhaps even the majority, of cases. If that's the result I would not assume there had to be other causes, I would assume that you married the wrong person. You are a cross dresser; she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.

I find the notion that it is OK to keep secrets from our spouses to be very troubling. OK for who? Obviously it's great for us; probably not so great for our spouse, though. When we keep this a lifelong secret we rob our spouses of the opportunity to make fully informed decisions about their own lives.

Please don't mistake that statement for lack of empathy. I absolutely 100% understand the desire to keep this secret from the world. I've been there, done that, and have the scars that come from being discovered. I suppose one could even justify keeping the secret if their cross dressing activities are strictly limited to times when their spouse is absent AND that the activities have 0% impact on the spouse.

Is that possible, though? Do we impact our spouses by borrowing their clothes? What about spending family resources on our own stuff? Fantasizing about experiencing sex from a woman's perspective? Getting grumpy because our spouse won't leave the house long enough for us to dress?

We want the same things others want: a loving relationship, a stable income, friends, etc. None of us intend for our desires to impact others, but what happens when they do? You shared that a previous relationship ended, at least in part, due to cross dressing. You assumed (and we all identify with this) that you could control this desire. Now you've discovered, like most of us do, that you can't. The problem is that you told your current wife this was no longer an issue. I'm making an assumption here, but based on what you shared cross dressing appears to be more than a rare indulgence for you. What will the consequences be if your spouse discovers your secret? How likely is it that you will be able to maintain the secret?

Every single member of this forum knows the pain of keeping this secret. Each of us has to wrestle with the question of whether to stay or leave the closet. I'm so very grateful that we can gather together to support one another. But, please, let's not make the mistake of promoting keeping secrets as the recipe for a perfect marriage. We may very well have a perfect marriage, but until our spouse knows what we know all we really have is the illusion of perfection. Maybe that illusion is enough for you, and that's fine, for you. But, our partners absolutely have the right to make that decision for themselves.

And yes, if your marriage ends those urging you to come clean won't be there for you - at least not in the way an actual real life friend can be. We will tell you, however, that it is possible to survive and even thrive. We will tell you that it is possible to have a great relationship based on mutual compromise and respect. And we will tell you we understand and will continue to offer an ear or a shoulder to cry on no matter which way you decide.

[patti1569]

So just to be clear. I did tell my wife about my dressing, albeit in the past. There was no lying. I know I'm splitting hairs, but I think there is a difference between keeping a secret and telling lies. What I'm interested in are the opinions of those who do maintain any type of secret about their dressing from their spouse and how they deal with that. If I continue to dress, I truly feel like my wife would rather not know. She has never brought it up since our first conversation.

[Requal Jo]

Patti, in any perfect relationship, honesty is the best practice. Your wife knows that you dressed in the past. When you told her did you seek her personal views on the subject? If not ask her what they are. Approach it from a discussion point of view by asking "What are your views and feelings about cross dressing"?

The longer you wait the hard it will be and the more damage that could be done.

[Sandra]

I want to dress again on occasions like this but I don't think I will ever share it with my new wife for fear of destroying the marriage. It is so perfect.

I bet it won't be so perfect if she finds out. IMHO I suggest that you have a chat with her again about how you feel, better coming from you than her just finding out that you've been dressing behind her back.

EDIT

Keeping secrets will only bring heartache for both parties.

[Anna H]

Well, mine knew from the start (25 years now)...so my opinion won't be
worth much. But, our 25 years has been that long because we don't lie
-or- keep secrets from each other.

I'd say if you plan to be together for a long time, sooner or later there
may be a situation where you have to outright *lie*. Then it's
never right from then on....but that does assume someone is
honestly bothered by telling little white lies. It's not just a secret
then...lies can get complicated quick.

Dressing up a few times and *being* a CDer are two different things.
Does she know that you are one. Again...assuming you are. lol

Anyway...I couldn't tell you what you should do, you're the only one
who knows how she may react, but I can say that once the secret
becomes a lie...it's not a good thing.

I Do wish you the best of luck! ♥

[Kris Avery]

I thoroughly recommend no secrets in a marriage.
My wife and wonderful SO would tend to agree.

VERY happy together - even if having no secrets is sometimes hard.

[patti1569]

When you told her did you seek her personal views on the ?

I didn't. The conversation happened so fast and then was immediately dropped. She handled it very well, but again, at the time I had said that it was behind me. I just know based on her upbringing and casual remarks that she isn't very open to it as "normal". I know that she loves me and wants me to be happy, but I'm just terrified that it will end badly likely my last relationship.

When you told her did you seek her personal views on the subject? If not ask her what they are. Approach it from a discussion point of view by asking "What are your views and feelings about cross dressing"?

I didn't. The conversation happened so fast. I just just feel that from her upbringing and casual comments that she isn't open to it. I know that she loves me and wants me to be happy, but im just terrified that she would not be ok with it.

[Jean 103]

I been there and been caught. No matter now careful you are odds are you will slip up or something beyond your control will happen. The way I see it you have three choices , first purge and stop dressing, Second hide everything and keep the secret, or three talk. to her about it. I went with one and then the second choice. For me number three would not work. We have now been separated about two weeks. , this is after 26year's together . Which ever choice you make. I know it will not be easy. ♡ jean

[patti1569]

Thx Jean for that very honest post. That's more of what I was seeking. It's never really easy.

[Dani0948]

Patti
My situation is similar to yours. My first wife was accepting, but our marriage ended for reasons not related to cd. My ex's threat to tell my current wife caused me to tell her I dressed. Like you I told her I would not be dressing again. Of course I was wrong because after 22 years of not dressing, I started again. During those 22 years I fantasized about dressing, but didn't actually dress. I am pretty sure she does not know or even suspect. Before joining the forum, I never considered telling. I am still conflicted and want to tell, but don't know if I will. I'm not sure if this helps, but I understand and sympathize with your situation.

[patti1569]

Wow Dani. It does help knowing that I'm not the only one! Thanx for sharing. Pls message me if you want. I think our situations are very similar.

[LelaK]

Hi Patti. You're worried that keeping the secret may cause inner difficulty for you and that sharing the secret may be unbearable for your wife?

(PS, if you reply, I'll probably see it tomorrow sometime.)

[noeleena]

Hi,

Keeping secrets is really not having confidence in your self in other words why should you have any in the first place you enter in to a friendship or parnershipe = marrage then your not total open are you, i know others will say its allright yeap and look where it gets them ,

If i enter in to a relatonship i wont / need to know every thing because i will find out if theres something being hidden .

Trust me i,v been through this okay Jos keeped something from me it was for a few weeks , i knew she had , Now there was no signs nothing was any different nothing said , nothing like every thing was normal for us , one evening as i walked out to our gate i stood there for a bit

and i just knew im very perceptive and i thought oh dear Jos what have you done i knew what she had done so later a few days later Jos came to me and said i,v got something to tell you, so i said you dont need to i know , its okay i know why and with whom , its okay

Jos said ill pack my bags and leave, i said no way your not to leave here ill still love you and look after you, you dont have to go , i did, Of cause she has remarried tov a lovely man , its all great okay ,

yes i may be a dumb female may be weird, i am = any way , what im saying is please dont try and hide any thing be open be up front just dont do it, please,

I,d rather be told and take the hurt first off the bat than give my all and be hit later on and be crushed .
............. you know i just dont understand men........... its like you dont dam well care a toss for us ...why . oh why do you keep on doing the same thing over and over ,you treat us like we mean nothing to you . .....

I....HATE.....IT .....................yes it really does get to me .........................if you were in front of me youd see it youd understand what its like ..... i know and yes it hurts like hell.


...noeleena...