Getting the balance right

[KlaireLarnia]

When you look at your life and how you dress in male and female clothes day to day - do you think you have the balance right? Have to reached a point where life does not get in the way of dressing or cause issues and similarly your dressing has little/no impact on your daily life. Be it home, work, social etc?

When I read on here most people seem to see two distinct people in themselves. Their male and female sides/versions/whatever you wish to call it. You will see frequent references to lets say "Amy" coming out or being allowed to express herself when they are alone in their home for example. Or that Amy bought a new dress (but not Shaun). A lot of people who dress up as female (to the point of often wanting to pass as female) seem to become someone else - like the hulk but not as green. Are they taking off their male mask or putting on a female one rather than expressing a combined view of who they are?

For me it is different. I see my male and females like sides like a coin, they form part of the whole coin and one cannot exist without the other.Thus there is no separate person, just me. "Klaire" does not exist as such, I just recognise the female aspects/desires of my personality and bring them into myself so they form a whole with my male aspects. Thus my personality shows male and female traits and offers me say the calm, polite, friendly nature of a woman as well as the teeth of a dog when it comes to strong negotiating you would expect in a man - along with the ability to flip from one to the other as needs. I have a wife & 11 year old daughter who know I wear female clothes. I am able to and do wear female clothes both at home and at work without issues (but I never wear skirt, dresses or make-up but I can wear anything else). I am able to wear female clothes in public, including shoulder bags. But I do not present as female, just a male with a feminine look - similar to a few homosexual men I know who also have this air and look too them.

Last weekend I went to too car boot sales with my daughter, spent over 2 hours at each and I was in female jeans, trainers, t-shirts, jumpers with a large blue suede shopper bag and my Guess purse. No issues at all, daughter was happy as this is normal for dad, the people we dealt with had no issues with me. I speak like a man (i.e it's all "hi mate / cheers pal" etc), yet have feminine overtones in my presence. But everyone treats me and speaks to me as a man which is what I want. 3 weeks ago all three of us went clothes shopping for our daughter, whilst in the women's section of Primark my wife asked me if there was anything I wanted. Had I asked for the red collared blouse that caught my eye she would have let me buy it but in truth I did not need it so said no on that occasion. But the offer was there from her.

When I look at my dressing, my day-to-day life I think I have found my balance. I can (and do) wear female clothes daily. I am not trying to walk two paths because I see only one person in me. Yes there are days or places I need to tone it down (going to Church for example). But normally I know what I can and cannot do so balance exists. My wardrobe is 85% female clothes and 100% female shoes/boots. That to me is a success. I know my perspective on dressing
is fairly unusual but it works for me.

What about you? Have you found the balance that works for you or do you think it's possible at this time (and if so why?)

[PaulaQ]

Yeah, I have the balance right for me. I'm a woman. I wear women's clothing 100% of the time. What else would I wear? The male persona I had was a lie, created because society expected me to conform my behavior and identity to my body, rather than to my mind. I'm currently in transition, so now I'm making my body conform to my mind, instead. This is hard, but it's way less painful, surprisingly enough, than what I tried to do for all of my prior life.

[Marcelle]

Hi Klaire. Very interesting post.

For me I have found balance of sorts but not in the manner you have. While I may refer to my "girl self" as Isha it is because that is just one part of my identity the same way I am Major #### at work. I may outwardly present as a woman when dressed (well a close approximation in my case) but I am not fooling anyone However that part of my identity prefers to present fully "en femme" the same way you prefer to present as a guy in women's clothing (no make-up, wig, etc.). I don't consider myself two distinct personalities as I am the same person dressed en boy or en girl (the presentation is the only difference). I personally don't believe there are distinct "male and female" traits only human traits which both genders are capable of demonstrating. So when I am kind or considerate, nurturing, loving "en boy" that is not Isha's doing but mine. Likewise when I have to "bear teeth" when dressed as Isha that is not "boy me" it is just me.

Hugs

Isha

[AllieSF]

I am mostly in balance, though I do have some things I am trying to change. I see myself as one, a male who likes to occasionally dress as a woman and go out. Where you see yourself as your feminine side, Klaire, I only see my male side, which is my safe home base.

I do disagree with you that the majority here see themselves as to separate persona's. Yes, some do. However, referring to yourself as Klaire or me as Allie when on line here posting responses or when communicating with some of my TG/TS friends and I sign off as Allie, is just my and other members' way of communicating with others when referring to themselves here. I would guess that the vast majority of us do know that we are always still the one and same person underneath all the female trappings. I do notice some different outward mannerisms when en femme, but to me that is just me getting into my female role for the moment or evening.

[Samantha Clark]

It seems as though you have been able to successfully synthesize your masculine and feminine personality. That sounds fantastic!

I get what you are saying about the self-described divided "selves." Some describe their experience as synthesized while others describe themselves in a compartmentalized manner. It is an individual adaptation to circumstances, I think.

So right now I have to compartmentalize in order to practice my profession and get along in my daily life.

I see myself as a mix of masculine and feminine, but I feel I'm still one person. To the extent I'm able to dress, I feel it's a recognition and celebration of my feminine aspects. I'm still working towards more of a balance and a synthesis.

[Nadine Spirit]

I think I have a good balance. Similar to you, but a few differences. I generally dress as a blend of both genders as well as having a blend of traditionally male and female behaviors. My wife knows, most of my family and friends know, and my work is accepting of my blending. But I do on occasion swing to either end of the dressing spectrum. Rarely, but sometimes I present as 100% male, and more often I will swing to the other end and present as 100% female but spend pretty much most of my time presenting as a mix. I do not change my voice, but in either mode people feel I speak in a somewhat feminine manner. People have asked my wife why it often sounds like I am asking a question even though I am not! Funny!

[KlaireLarnia]

Interesting things you say there. There are times when, like you, I have to look 100% male - such as when we have clients at work as I feel this looks better for them, although I have never been asked or requested to change my clothes or wear something specific for this reason. Within 2 weeks of starting there just under 2 years ago, I started to blend my clothes and whilst I am positioned out of the way to a degree I have had no issues with this mixed look. As I said in my original post I sometimes have to tone it down as well such as when we go round friends houses etc. Whilst I am sure my wife has told them what I do and why (because she is not British and nor are a majority of our friends I cannot be sure as I do not speak her language); not wearing bras, or lower cut t-shirts seems to put people more at ease and I respect this fully although I wish I could be more open in telling the, - but my wife has requested I do not at this time.

Using clothes to bring out a part of me that until 20 odd years ago I did not understand has helped me become a better person and blending them has made that person a nicer one. I am less stressed, aggressive and less prone to bouts of depression where I was before or when my dressing was restricted to snatched moments. There are times I wish I could push a little further, and I know I have pushed in the past - not always with good results. I would like to be able to wear skirts in the house or my nightdresses after a bath. But my wife/daughter is not in a position to agree to this yet. I can only wear nightdresses when my wife works late's and comes in at 11pm and goes to bed at 2-3am long after me. She obviously knows I wear them and this has now been accepted.

What I question with people here, and some of you have answered this for which I am grateful, is whether dressing helps you be whole or has split you lives more distinctly as you try and find a way to have both. Blending and merging styles is one way and works for me as it appears to for Nadine, transitioning to a full female is another but these are likely not the only ways.

Thank you for the answers so far, I hope more people would be kind enough to respond as well.

[JocelynRenee]

These days I feel very balanced, though my clothing choices are nearly always either 100% male or 100% female. When I present as female padding, makeup, etc. is always part of the equation. If I am knocking around the house you may sometimes find me wearing a female article of clothing or two in conjunction with a goatee, but the combination feels odd to me so it's rare.

Some typically feminine traits are part of my everyday look, though, such as shaved body, long nails, and shaped eyebrows. When I present as female I don't wear a wig or alter my voice, though I suppose I do change some of my mannerisms.

When writing or talking about my dual nature I may reference male and female separately, but that is just for clarity. I actually simply see myself as one person with one personality. I don't really feel like gender applies to me.

My company has exceptional LGBT policies, so transitioning at work would not be a problem. I don't suppose mixing clothing would be an issue either; I just don't have the desire to do so.

[LeslieSD]

Klaire,

That's a very interesting question you asked, and it got me thinking about it. I felt that people dress for many different reasons, and come in different part of the spectrum too. I can totally admire what you do, and at the same time can also see the value of doing it the other way too.

I am trying to make some sense of it and came up with an analogy (though it might not be a good analogy). Here it is, just for the fun of it and don't take that too seriously: Suppose one person came from a different culture and her native language is not English. Later she learned and became fluent in English (or at least can carry conversation fluently). Most people who had this background sometimes do tend to mix different languages in their family (especially when most family members are bilingual). Some other people, however, prefers to speak in the "proper" grammar and words of the language they are using at the moment (both native or learned). I can really see the value of both, and I knew people who did both ways.

I know language is a little different. So I am just putting this up for the sake of "fun". After all, nobody is offended if you "pass" as a native English speaker, and later they found that your native language is something else. Anyway, people are different and there are different paths they like to take.

[Katey888]

I think I have an acceptable balance at present - I would like the opportunity for Katey to get out socially (there's that 3rd person view again - more about that later...) but that's a social thing, I think, and probably some affirmation and validation of my feminine aspect.

Couple of perspectives on the points you raised - like Allie I also don't see too many people here with 'dual personalities'. Most of the replies to threads that specifically ask this question confirm that folk here just see this as an aspect or facet of their core identity - the feminine presentation allows that suppressed or repressed part to be revealed; many others just do it because it's 'fun'. I also don't see this as a separate part of me, just a way of expressing an inexplicable need to look girly... the reason I will sometime refer to 'Katey time' or myself in the 3rd person is purely a linguistic gimmick for this forum and in emails... I can't really say 'me' because legally I'm not Katey I'm Kxxxx -and I suppose I have a conditioned response to that.

As to you and your mixed presentation - I think if this suits your personality that's a nice balance to have - it doesn't suit me, principally because I'm too lazy... I know, that's a terrible thing to say. I know that I do express some of these sub-surface, feminine aspects and always have done - my wife thinks I dance like a girl (I do..) and I know that in my career I have had to work on my business persona to project a more hard-nosed, macho attitude in specific circumstances, but I'm naturally very laid back and people-centric... but it wouldn't be boy me to wear earrings (I do have a neck chain and have worn bracelets) or carry a man-bag - but obviously it works for you and others here. It is stereotypical to think of this as a 'gay' look - but because of that it has also become more accepted by the muggles whereas full-on-male-dressed-as-and-shaped-as-female-with-makeup-wig-and-heels isn't a look that is as readily accepted... nor probably will be. I think that is why most of us (that adopt the full-on female replicant look) pursue being good enough to 'pass' or simply be 'passed over' at a glance... particularly by folk with pitchforks... (still have them in Hampshire... )

I have a balance today - even if it is typified and partitioned by the two entirely different forms of presentation..

Katey x

[WendyMoore502]

I believe that we all have to "Balance" so many different aspects every day that most of us are able to approach Balance very well with our dressing / Persona / Presentation.

For example: How we act (and I mean beyond presentation / attire) differs between situations like Work / Social Life / Church / Family / School. I mean most people change their actions based on the situation. One would hardly go into work or church swilling a beer and discussing a wild party that was happening. Or in a family situation if I start talking about some detailed aspect of my work then I start seeing eyes glaze over, so I tend to tone it down some.

What I am getting at is we must find a "Balance" between all these situations. I think that most of us here are very good at finding this Balance as we gradually learn to blend the various aspects of our Male/Female, Dress/Underdress, Presentation, etc.


And of course there are some situations where Personality Disorders come into play. But I think that is more of a case where the individual can't control the personality based on the situation.

-Wendy

[UNDERDRESSER]

I am getting there, not fully "out" yet. To me, being out, is wearing skirts, and hosiery some times. I do wear ladies shorts and pants at work, more or less openly, as I buy them there.

I am still exploring exactly how I want to wear them, starting to define a "look" in my own head that works for me.

[Eringirl]

Thanks Klaire for starting an interesting thread. For me, I think I have a pretty good balance, but still a work in progress. I am Erin. Trying to mix the best of both genders is ongoing, but I think I am making headway. Yes, for my profession, I present mostly male on the outside, especially with respect to clothing. However, I have always worn "brackets" for as long as I remember, and necklace/chain of some sort. They are more for sentimental reasons though, having initially purchased them from various locations from around the world on my travels. My nails are long(isn) and always 100% of the time with clear polish. I were female underwear (not bras though - not at work anyway), and hose, as I am not comfortable in thick mens socks. Also, for years, I have used a "Man Bag" (as Katey put it).

So, yes, two sides of the same coin, but I always have Erin with me (there's that third person again), as that is who I am. Completely presenting as the real me - Erin - when time/occasions permit, just solidifies who I really am.

Sometimes it feels more like Erin presenting as male vs the male me presenting as Erin???

Anywho.....just my thoughts.

[Anna H]

I have a great balance. I don't wear any guys stuff anymore.

It doesn't have to be obviously girly things to still feel right.....so if I feel
good and am happy always, then it works for me.

[Jenniferathome]

...

When I read on here most people seem to see two distinct people in themselves. ...

rather than expressing a combined view of who they are? ...

I can (and do) wear female clothes daily. I am not trying to walk two paths because I see only one person in me. ...

What about you? Have you found the balance that works for you or do you think it's possible at this time (and if so why?)

I picked out a few thoughts that I wanted to address:

1) It is not "most" it is "some." And like your last comment, I have read enough posts and responses where the cross dresser sees only one person that I would argue the opposite of your premise. In my case, I am me, at all times.

2) A "combined view' falsely assumes that there is two selves to combine. Being a cross dresser does not mean that one wants to cross dress daily or that it is something one needs to "show externally" all the time.

3) I am perfectly balanced. I dress when I feel the need but never to the exclusion of my obligations as a father, husband, friend, whatever. I enjoy life as a dude. Sometimes, I enjoy life as a dude in a dress. The two never blend because they need not. But I am always me.

[kimdl93]

I'm not where I want to be quite yet. Still too many situations where I'm expected to be male. But I'm ok with the status quo....only slightly annoyed or irritable might adequately address how I feel when I must adopt a male mode.

On the point of identities, I am one person...certainly with a blend of gender attributes...but I don't pretend to be a different person depending on how I'm dressed.

[Judith96a]

I picked out a few thoughts that I wanted to address:

1) It is not "most" it is "some." And like your last comment, I have read enough posts and responses where the cross dresser sees only one person that I would argue the opposite of your premise. In my case, I am me, at all times.

2) A "combined view' falsely assumes that there is two selves to combine. Being a cross dresser does not mean that one wants to cross dress daily or that it is something one needs to "show externally" all the time.

3) I am perfectly balanced. I dress when I feel the need but never to the exclusion of my obligations as a father, husband, friend, whatever. I enjoy life as a dude. Sometimes, I enjoy life as a dude in a dress. The two never blend because they need not. But I am always me.

Thanks Jennifer, these were the points that I wanted to address too, so ...
1) I'm me, all of the time - whether I'm presenting as a man or as a woman. Like Katey, I sometimes talk about Judith in the third person but that's a shorthand or linguistic gimmick - nothing more.

2)agree with Jennifer. Crossdressing is something that I do when my desire to do so coincides with the opportunity to do so. Currently I have more desire than opportunity but I think that I can truthfully say that if I had unlimited opportunity I wouldn't crossdress 24/7/365 (possibly 24/7/"duration of initial pink fog"!) There are certain situations where, even if it were perfectly acceptable to do so, I wouldn't have the slightest inclination to crossdress.

3)in my case, nowhere close to balanced. Don't get anywhere near as much opportunity to CD as I'd like. The probability of that changing is small, not least because of the impact of past choices and the consequent cost (mostly emotional) of change. I accept that so maybe that's a form of 'balance'.

[KlaireLarnia]

Thanks Jennifer, these were the points that I wanted to address too, so ...
1) I'm me, all of the time - whether I'm presenting as a man or as a woman. Like Katey, I sometimes talk about Judith in the third person but that's a shorthand or linguistic gimmick - nothing more.

2)agree with Jennifer. Crossdressing is something that I do when my desire to do so coincides with the opportunity to do so. Currently I have more desire than opportunity but I think that I can truthfully say that if I had unlimited opportunity I wouldn't crossdress 24/7/365 (possibly 24/7/"duration of initial pink fog"!) There are certain situations where, even if it were perfectly acceptable to do so, I wouldn't have the slightest inclination to crossdress.

3)in my case, nowhere close to balanced. Don't get anywhere near as much opportunity to CD as I'd like. The probability of that changing is small, not least because of the impact of past choices and the consequent cost (mostly emotional) of change. I accept that so maybe that's a form of 'balance'.

1) Thank you for your reply as it offers something I cannot see. The split and how you perceive it or not as the case is. I always see someone speaking about "Katey" to use you as an example as a split, not a third person view because I cannot see how you can speak about yourself in the third person. To me, you are you and thus you did x y & z and not Katey. I am not going to push that further as I know it will lead to this topic going off track which I do not want to.

2&3) This again shows something I cannot see. Because my combined view has led me to where I am, I cannot seperate the dressing from normality or social requirements as such. Thus I queried if people have found a balance that I have achieved. Not because I am right - because I am only right for me, but because I wanted to understand if there is an internal conflict between the two aspects or if they achieve a balance. Doesn't matter if it is an uneasy or fragile one, balance achieved can be worked on to make it more stable.

I spent 5 years going through a roller coster of hell as I tried to find a way to combine my disjointed self. If you know Babylon 5, I effectively went on walkabout like Stephen Franklin to meet myself and workout how to get on. I did, and now I am where I am now. I know this will not work for many, you won't have the inclination, need, space, will or whatever to do it.

Where I see my result as balanced I am trying to understand how others see themselves and how they deal with the social conflict between what we do and what society tells us to do/wear, because I am out of kilter with the (at least the vocal) majority because I do not go the full hog. Understanding how people feel can help those who do feel uneasy, unsure, not at ease, to try and find some inner peace to make our dressing what it should be. Natural and enjoyable.

I guess I assumed (perhaps wrongly) that people perhaps had more internal conflicts between their outside social persona and appearance to their feminine aspects and dressing. In that respect I am happy to be wrong if I am.

[roxiecd]

As for me, I have not found a balance between the girl within my heart, mind and soul, and the guy I have to be day to day here in TRW. What I have done, is, learned to make peace with that. For Now. I know who I am on the inside, so if things aren't going as I'd like them to right now, perhaps the future will bring pinker skies.

[suchacutie]

I'm definitely in the "two person" mode. My masculine and feminine selves are remarkably different and we (my wife and I) really like it that way...isn't it great that we agree!

As to a balance, I can't say that we've found that balance. External forces have played havoc with Tina's life in the last 3 years. She's hung on in the background with momentary appearances, but we are really in a holding stage until our next life-thread starts. So much of Tina's life has been placed on hold, and it will be fascinating to revisit all that she started! Ask again in a couple of years

tina

[Sarah Doepner]

I think I'm balanced, however my friends and family aren't. There are those who just have part of the story about me, but it has considerable depth and history. There are others who know more about some of my specialized interests, but dont' know a lot of the backstory. I can associate with my CD friends and be the same person I am with my non-CD friends and family, just not wearing the same clothes and face. My personality is the same in either case, just the appearance changing from time to time and situation to situation. Now if we can find a way for me to get the friends and family balanced, that will be a treat. But I understand that one is on my shoulders, so for the meantime balance is in the eye of the person on the tightrope.

[Richelle]

I believe I have found my balance. Unless it is a business meeting, I wear the cloths I want to where. Some are from men's side others are from the women's side of the store. 90% of the time I am wearing long dangling earrings and have nail polish on. I do not care if I am greeted as male for female. I just respond make by saying hello and going about my business.

Richelle

[Judith96a]

1) Thank you for your reply as it offers something I cannot see. The split and how you perceive it or not as the case is. I always see someone speaking about "Katey" to use you as an example as a split, not a third person view because I cannot see how you can speak about yourself in the third person. To me, you are you and thus you did x y & z and not Katey. I am not going to push that further as I know it will lead to this topic going off track which I do not want to.

Klaire, I don't want to stray off track but just to explain my use of third person references... For instance, "Judith time" is shorthand for time spent crossdressed. I might talk about Judith going places that "the other fellow" wouldn't (and vice versa) but again it's a shorthand for "there are things I will/won't do and places that I will/won't go when I'm crossdressed/'normally' attired". It's a comfortable shorthand, nothing more, nothing less.

[Marsha My Dear]

Thanks for opening this thread Claire. The implied duality of having two names does beg the question of a split personality. For my wife and me it's a shorthand way of saying whether I'm dressed up or not. I am still the same person with the same personality- considerate, cooperative, compassionate. I'm hardnosed and demanding as the situation requires, but the alpha role is something I'd rather not have to do.
During one of the 'long talks', I characterized myself to her as simply having a complex personality- one not easily defined by mainstream social norms. With her permission I'm allowed to wear earrings, necklaces, bracelets, anklets, and several rings, some with jewels. There's no problem with underdressing. I've never been one to conform. We're both happy with it like this. She insists on being married to a Man, but loves me more because I have some facets of being a woman.

[Tina_gm]

At home I am pretty much free to be who I am. That is so wonderful. Not because I am really all so different, but that I let go and just be. Well, accept for dressing the part I feel. But what is more important than the clothes I wear is being who I am. (My wife can be a weird bird) of course, then again, I am still masculine a lot as well... but as far as the dressing part, I am dressing 95% of the time male clothing, so there is a disparity there. I feel that I am close to a 50-50 split masculine/feminine. That is the life I have created. I have to deal with that life. I like the life I have created in so many ways. I could give it up or a lot of it for a dressing balance I suppose, but as I see it, I stand more to lose than I go gain by doing so.