Last night was my big night. I finally got the courage to come out to my AA home group, the one that meets on Friday nights. I currently alternate between my AA home group and my TG support group, since most meet on Friday night.
Up until August 15, I have been going to my home group in guy mode. I have been wanting to come out for the past two months, but never got the courage to do so. By August 15, my last time in guy mode, I went to my home group and I really felt out of place and like I just knew I couldn't take keeping up the male persona any longer. I started making phone calls since then, and I started coming out to my closest friends, my inner circle at AA. I also came out to a three guys that I knew through one of the guys from AA - they're not actually in AA, I just know them through an AA friend. I also came out to a female friend who lives in San Francisco, who I had previously spoken with about gender issues last year.
The plan was for me to come out to my closest friends first, and then to show up as Michelle and come out to the entire group. I was very nervous and very excited at the same time. I picked up one of the girls and we drove together from the meeting. She immediately commented on how pretty I looked, and I started feeling right at home. We got to the meeting 10 minutes before the start. We walked past this one guy, and my friend says hi, and then introduces me as Michelle, formerly [my guy name, which I am keeping private because it's an unusual name, and I am not yet out to my family]. He was very polite, and said "Hi Michelle." This gave me the courage to simply do the same thing with everyone else. As I did that, everyone was very welcoming, and lots of people were commenting on how pretty I looked, or they liked my dress, or how I had nice legs.
Then I see another guy, and he tells me "Wow, you look so gorgeous, and you look so real." I knew at that moment that he could tell that I was being authentic. I also saw some of my closest friends and they saw me for the first time as Michelle, and they were all happy to see me, and I was happy to see them.
One of the girls handed me a red gift bag. I didn't get a chance to open it immediately, but I thanked her for the gift.
The meeting started. I had my raffle ticket. The prize is you get to speak for 3 minutes. Of course, we also do burning desires at the end of the meeting, which are not by raffle. I was anxiously awaiting to see if my number would be called, and it wasn't. Then they asked if anyone had any burning desires. I raised my hand, and was called to the podium.
I walked up to the podium, and introduced myself as Michelle, alcoholic. Everyone said hi, Michelle. I then said "formerly [my guy name]." Immediately the entire room applauded. After the applause, I announced that I am transgender, and that I am in the process of transitioning from male to female. I talked briefly about how I have known this all my life, and fought it tooth and nail, and how my gender issues went out of control in the recent years, and how I felt really free to be myself at my home group. I felt really relaxed after coming out. It was as if me giving that speech was freeing me from some serious bondage.
My home group is usually the highlight of any week. Usually I feel at my best after going to my home group. In the recent months, my home group was the one place where showing up in guy mode was tolerable - otherwise being in drab was a freakin' miserable experience, especially since June 2. By August 15, I was noticing the magic of the meeting not working as well, and I knew at this point that I had no choice but to go full time, and not 165 as mentioned in earlier posts. I knew that presenting as male was making me really miserable on the inside, and I could no longer keep up the male persona even for a few hours. However, last night was truly the best night ever in my life. I felt like the magic of that meeting lifted my spirit even moreso than in the past because I was being my authentic self.
At the break, the guy who was the first person I saw when I walked into the room told me that when I was sharing that was the most relaxed he had ever seen me when sharing in the 7 years he knew me. The guy who commented that I seemed real told me that last night was the most relaxed he had ever seen me in the 7 years he knew me.
Lots of people, especially the women, lined up to give me a hug and congratulate me. Most of them told me how brave I was and they were really proud of me.
After the break, we have a main speaker for the remainder of the meeting. He also congratulated me and also talked about authenticity, which is not just a trans issue but also very much an AA issue as well.
I got a few more hugs and congrats after the meeting. I opened the gift bag and inside was a very exquisite shawl with a peacock embroidered in it. I also read the card which was very beautiful too.
We then headed over to the restaurant where we normally do fellowship. The girl that I gave a ride to also noticed that I seemed way more relaxed. So at least three people commented that they felt I was the most relaxed last night in the entire 7 years that they knew me, and that prior to coming out they felt as if I was very stiff, unrelaxed, and acted as if I was hiding something.
We had good crowd, about 15 people at fellowship, including my entire inner circle. I also came out to our waiter. He's a really nice guy who serves us most of the time. We had a good time as usual, and this time I got to talk about girl stuff - we talked about purses, scents, makeup. I also talked more about my gender journey in the past 6 months. Everyone there was instantly regendering me - they were calling me Michelle and using female pronouns, and it felt really natural to me.
Then I got one more surprise. Earlier yesterday, I came out to the very conservative Republican guy. He doesn't go to AA, but I know him through a friend in AA. I was nervous on how he might react, but you never can predict how someone is going to react. You can't make assumptions on whether or not they will accept you based on political views. The conservative Republican guy was actually very accepting, and immediately started calling me Michelle. He also was kind enough to go out of his way to come to fellowship last night to support me.
Finally, I wore the shawl as I walked out. One of the other girls also tried it on too. She took a couple of pictures of me, which I will post, probably on SH, once she emails them to me.
Anyways, it was a really uplifting and positive experience
Rachel Smith May 2017
