Coming Out and Educating

[PretzelGirl]

Next Sunday is when I am going post on Facebook so that the rest of the world knows what is happening. Following that, I will tell my boss Monday morning and set a date of October 8th for work. October 7th is my 25th anniversary and I told my wife that she gets 25 with him and at least 25 with her. And the kicker will be the week after next, going to a business convention with my daughter and being reintroduced to all of them to include a formal event. What will help that is there is a BBQ being held for those hitting town early, so I can socialize early when there is time to talk more. It feels like everything before this has been the uphill and these two weeks and later the first day of work will be the two peaks and then it can go down hill from there until it levels out into life.

One thing I am committed to is that I believe that through education comes understanding. I have planned to be available for all reasonable questions and am fine with the education being a process. I had my time to absorb this and everyone else deserves theirs. If they are sticking around and talking, we are on a good path. One of the things I would like to do with my coming out letter is link to something that gives a good and basic overview of what transgender is so the letter doesn't have to be overly long to make up for that portion of information. Some articles or videos I have seen so far have something I don't agree with. I probably won't win there, but I am interested in seeing if others have some favorites. A recent outing post of a friend had two hours of videos linked in. While they are all good ones, people will be absorbing a lot, so bite size chunks can be good.

I did look at the stickies and there are a couple of medical type ones, which are probably too deep for something introductory. In the letters, there is one from Rachel that was current at the time linking to GID, but I want to talk Dysphoria over Disorder as that is a key thing to me.

This was one of those and isn't bad although the quality makes it feel older than it is. Interesting in that Laverne Cox is in it as a NY local. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXI9w0PbBXY

[Angela Campbell]

When I came out at work i opened up for questions at that time. Since then not a single question from anyone. It has been business as usual.

[I Am Paula]

Being self employed made coming out a little different for me, but I did have to tell my three hundred or so clients, and business contacts. In my coming out letter I invited questions, but none came. Just business as usual. The wonderful part...the three hundred or so letters of support I got back. Priceless.

[Kathryn Martin]

Hi Sue,

I would suggest to you that it might be better to tell your boss before you tell everyone on facebook. Work after all constitutes one third of our life. If you announce it to everyone except your boss he might feel that you don't even care to let him know before you create an irrevocable status quo. That might lessen his or her willingness to be supportive.

My two cents...

Kathryn

[I Am Paula]

I've gotta agree there. Facebook is VERY fast, and it might get to your boss before Monday.
When I started my female FB page, I invited about twenty friends the day I put up the page. In 24 hours I had over a hundred friend requests.

[PretzelGirl]

I would love to have three letters Paula. Three hundred had to feel very good.

On coming out before work. It is something I thought about a while on. I am an incessant planner and it showed on this (or overshowed). I only have one friend that is from work and he already knows and has been my work confidant. I wanted to wait on work because of a pending layoff and that I am about to hit my 10 year point, which has its benefits. I feel very comfortable in keeping my job, but you still stack things in your favor when you can. Then I had to balance that against the convention and my daughter's feelings going in. I really wanted some of that talk to die down a little before convention starts so she can enjoy it. So the further out I do it, the better. I know everyone will be going up to her and asking how she is doing and I can't stop that or own that. But getting it down to a dull roar will help I hope. The extra is that I am coming out on Facebook, so I would like it to be a non-work day so I don't post and disappear for hours.

I have a lot of respect for my manager and we get along great. I will see him first thing in the morning and if spreads like wildfire that much, I will be surprised since my work and personal worlds are so separate. It is a great thought and was one thing I considered, but my daughter coming in town drove some of this and I want it to be smoother for her as she means the world to me.

Now having said that, I have been tempted to go to my boss at the end of this week. I have tried hard to stick to plan so I am predictable which helps for people watching you (in my opinion). Thursday may not be such a bad deviation. I have worked hard to stick to plan as it is easy to vary when in the heat of the moment, but the plan was made when I wasn't as anxious. It makes for a great anchor. Just last week someone asked why I didn't go to HR first. Well I trust my manager immensely and that will be his first move too, so stick to the plan.....

[arbon]

I'm sure it will go well with all the coming out, you seem thoughtful about it all and somewhat prepared.

As for educating there are places for it but for the most part I found some people may initially be interested but that interest usually does not last long. Its just not something that most people really want to know much about, if they want to know anything about it at all. Sometimes the get irritated if to much trans stuff is coming at them.

[Michelle789]

Facebook is the last place I plan on coming out, it's public record and anyone can do a Google search on my male name and find out that I'm trans. I'm not out to my family yet, and I figure they can search the internet and find out that I'm transitioning if they see my Facebook page.

I hardly ever use Facebook these days anyways. Maybe when I'm out I'll use it more, but I don't know that for sure.

I am currently out to everyone that is I am actively involved with in life. That is friends, both in and out of AA, and work. I have no active involvement with relatives. My family lives far away, so they don't need to know right now. I am planning on telling my family in two months, and sometime after that I will come out on Facebook.

[PretzelGirl]

Yes, I have been very careful about not being pushy. I let them know I will answer questions and leave it. I came out to my two best friends from the last place I lived last night. I told them they are like family and any question is on the table. He instantly jumped in and said that he would ask about surgery and genitals as that would just be rude. First time I have heard a non-TG make that comment.

But not wanting to push has made updating my family a little awkward, so that is one of the reasons I will be glad I am past coming out. Then I just talk about whatever instead of feeling like I am pushing this on them. Of course they are interesting, we are close. But it feels like that is most of what I have to say and no one has any real comments.

Facebook is intended my final step Michelle. This way everyone I am talking with in any way will know.

[I Am Paula]

Facebook is the last place I plan on coming out, it's public record and anyone can do a Google search on my male name and find out that I'm trans. I'm not out to my family yet, and I figure they can search the internet and find out that I'm transitioning if they see my Facebook page.

You said it perfectly. Facebook is the LAST place you come out. As soon as it hits FB, you are 100% out and public. All the filters, and privacy setting will not help, you sold your soul, and privacy, to FB.
I have a Facebook page, and I enjoy it, but I am not hiding from anybody.

[Rachel Smith]

I too offered to answer ANY questions anyone had both at work and with my family. I got only one from my daughter and that question was if I could still have traditional sex. When I said no that was the end of any and all questions from anyone so don't be surprised if you don't have any.

This is from my coming out letter perhaps it will help http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder I referenced this article because to me it is the GID that leads to the GD and this discusses it the same way.

The official classification of gender dysphoria as a disorder in the DSM-5 may help resolve some of these issues, because the term "gender dysphoria" applies only to the discontent experienced by some persons resulting from gender identity issues.[7]

It is very detailed but I felt this way everyone could find as much or as little information as they needed or wanted in order to help them understand what my life was like.

[Jorja]

As much as we all want to educate, I would suggest concentrating on what it is you are doing. By all means answer questions unless you find them too personal. Educating others can come later. Right now you need to worry about yourself.

As for having and following a plan, I commend you for putting so much thought and time into making a plan. However, do not be afraid to deviate from your plan as life dictates. Hopefully you did not write your plan in blood or carve it in stone. A plan is only a guide to get to the path you need to be on. There will be detours and roadblocks along the way.

[PretzelGirl]

Jorja, I have always had the personality to where I get comfort from having a plan instead of going moment to moment. I used to get thrown by having to deviate from plans, but those days are long past. I am nearing the end, so it is feeling good and I could just pull the trigger on everything else right now, but that wouldn't do me any good.

[Rianna Humble]

It's good to plan ahead whilst bearing in mind the the immortal words of John Lennon "Life is what happens to you whilst you're busy making other plans..." I sense from your writings that this is your approach.

[Jorja]

Jorja, I have always had the personality to where I get comfort from having a plan instead of going moment to moment. I used to get thrown by having to deviate from plans, but those days are long past. I am nearing the end, so it is feeling good and I could just pull the trigger on everything else right now, but that wouldn't do me any good.

I am just trying to say continue to follow your plan but learn to be flexible in your approach. Once you do pull that trigger and go full time, you will be taking it to another level.

[stefan37]

That is an understatement.

[Kimberly Kael]

While I agree that it's useful to make it clear that you're comfortwble answering questions, and to provide links to worthwhile resources, don't make the mistake of assuming that everyone will find the subject as interesting as you do. For most acquaintances all they'll want to know is how you expect your transition to affect them. The simple answer "use my new name and feminine pronouns when referring to me, and otherwise nothing much changes" is more reassuring than a reading list, a bunch of theory, and personal medical insights.

[Nigella]

I think Kimberly has said the right thing. Prior to, during and even now, after transition, I have made it clear that if people want to know, ask, if you don't ask, I won't tell. Some will be afraid to ask directly, it has happened to me. Having said that, just because people don't ask, don't assume they are not interested. During a recent conversation with some colleagues I found out that some of them had taken the time to watch a SRS video on you tube.

[PretzelGirl]

Oh, I agree. I do believe that many people out there don't even really know what transgender is. That is certainly basic and a good thing to get everyone on board with...if they ask. I am not saying I want to shove things down anyone's throat. But I want them to know I am available if they want to ask anything. I know there will be people that don't want it "shoved down their throats".

[mechamoose]

Good for you that you are putting yourself out there and taking those risks!

It makes it better for those who follow after us.

Stay strong!

<3

- MM