Cold Feet about Transitioning

[GenderPunk]

I'm at a really scary place right now. I've been unhappy with my body my whole life, and 3 years ago I finally realized why. I came out as transgender to everyone. I was starting to make some progress, but after a few months I started a long relationship and basically went back in the closet. It just seemed more comfortable to go back. I started flat out denying everything that I felt, and tried to tell myself I was just a crossdresser. I told myself gender is arbitrary and irrelevant. I even had a pansexual phase, but none of this could change the fact that I struggle every single day with not being seen as the person I really am. This all went on until just recently.

So a few weeks ago, I started seeing a gender therapist. I went into my first session trying to be honest but conservative about how I felt. But everything came out, all the lies I told myself to stay in the closet quickly came undone. I was really hoping that she would tell me "I don't think you're trans, but here's some coping strategies to help you feel better". That didn't happen. Instead we made another appointment and she had me write a detailed history of my life. It was incredibly painful for me to finish, but I did. We talked about it during the next meeting (and a lot of other very uncomfortable topics). Finally she told me that I fit the criteria for Gender Dysphoria and that she would be willing to write me a letter of recommendation for HRT.

Now here I am, trying to retain some semblance of my normal life, vividly aware of my feelings but still in the closet to everyone else. I know I can't go back now, but the way forward is unbelievably scary. I know a lot of you have been here. Please please please, if anyone can give me some advice about coming out (again), staying strong, coping, not going crazy, or just some words of encouragement, that would help me tremendously!

P.S. If you're wondering about my screen name, that's from my 'pansexual' phase.

[Angela Campbell]

Ever thought "why didn't I take the blue pill"


Good luck to you. Best advice is do not transition unless you have to, and if you do have to don't let anything stop you.

[StephanieC]

Sometimes I think people think of this as black or white thing with the goal to get to one side as quickly as possible. Slow down, take each day at a time and periodically assess your position against your then-goal

[flatlander_48]

I hope that you sort this out as it is really important; whichever way it turns out. Sometimes it is very hard to find peace, but that is what needs to happen. But to get there, we often have to go through some very bumpy times. It's just how it is.

However, there are times when we have to literally fight for ourselves. It's hard to expect anyone else to help us and support us unless we think enough of ourselves to put the effort in, take the hits and struggle forward. It's not easy and it will never be, but it is the only thing we can do.

It is not, as they say, the work of a moment...

[candykowal]

Stephanie C has some great advice!!!
You don't have to jump "all In" at once!
Take a day or week or month at a time...when you have a doubt...wait...do it on your terms sister!
Break it down into steps, like taking classes to get your degree.
And don't let anyone try to "pier press you" into conforming to society standards either.
You'll get to when you wanna be on your terms...if it takes a lifetime, that's okay too...the experience is part of the fun.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Don't rush into anything. Even if the therapist says she'll write you the letter. Take your time and figure out what YOU need to do to be happy with yourself.

[Jorja]

First of all, move a little closer to the fire and warm those feet up a little. Second, relax! Nobody can make you do anything or be anything you don't want to do or be. So you might have Gender Dysphoria, it's not the end of the world. It's not like you are going to stand up from your chair one day and your leg is going to fall off. Believe me, there is life after being told something like that and a damn good life can be had at that. I won't bore you and tell you it will be easy because it's not. It's a hell of a lot of hard work on your part.

You must first be comfortable with yourself, before you can be comfortable in the world. I don't know who said that but it is true. Take some time and become comfortable with yourself. Then look at moving forward with things if you need too. Remember, one step, one day at a time.

[celeste26]

Sorry but according to your post you are out to everyone even if you choose to hide in the closet. Cant unring that bell sister, they know because you told them. Coming out as trans does not automatically mean you are going to make any "transition", it does clearly place you in a field with multiple options. What you need to do is just get on with life in general. Go about doing those things you need to do on a daily basis because that is what all adults do. Hiding only hurts you and no one else. keep up the counseling. We all love you no matter what you choose , its going to be OK

[GenderPunk]

Thanks for all the advice! I know I've been moving rather quickly, but I'm in my early 20's and my body is still making a lot of horrifying unwanted changes. It's not as bad as puberty was, but I'm still getting more chest hair and (gasp) back hair and I hate it. I don't want to be trans. I hate that I feel this way. But I know that if I keep trying to be someone that I'm not, I won't live to be 30. I'm not rushing into HRT, but it's really hard to be calm about this.

I should clarify, my therapist didn't offer to write me a letter on the spot or anything. She just said she was willing to write a letter, and I told her that I needed some time to sort things out and come out to my significant other and family first. She referred me to some support groups and offered to ask some trans clients if they would like to talk with me.

I wish I could enjoy this. But I feel too jaded to expect wonders from transition and living in the closet looks far too bleak to even consider. Tough choices.

[Rianna Humble]

Building on Angela's advice, you also need to weigh up what is most important to you.

You will see time after time in these forums that we tell people they have to be prepared to lose everything and everyone if they transition. That does not mean that you definitely will lose all, but you need to be prepared for that possibility. Some of our members have been lucky and have not lost a lot, others have.

I can understand your concerns for your SO, but as long as they outweigh your need to be seen for who you really are, then you are probably not ready to transition.

[becky77]

I've been unhappy with my body my whole life, and 3 years ago I finally realized why. I came out as transgender to everyone. I was starting to make some progress, but after a few months I started a long relationship and basically went back in the closet.

Can I ask you a question, by coming out to everyone, who is everyone? and in what manner did you come out?
You sound very panicky right now and I understand that stage, it's a crazy time when you can't think straight. I would say slow down and go through some more therapy sessions, explore your feelings more, transition isn't the only option.

[Rachel Smith]

As has already been stated, take one step at a time. Go slowly perhaps you will find a place where you feel comfortable in yourself and the world around you and you won't need to fully transition. Transition is not the goal happiness and sanity are. Only go as far as you need to go.

One piece of advice and I speak from experience is get the job or career that you want before you transition as it becomes inherently more difficult post transition.

[I Am Paula]

It has often been said here, and there's some real truth to it:
The time to transition is when the fear of NOT transitioning becomes greater than the fear of transitioning.
That point may never come, so hang tight.

[sarahcsc]

Hi GP,

What Paula said certainly resonates with me, that is "you will know what to do with the fear of not transitioning becomes greater than the fear of transitioning".

I'd say that my tolerance for these "fears" fluctuates on a daily basis. Sometimes I wished I could snap my fingers and rid myself of my male body in exchange for a female body, other times I feel it is easier to just play it safe. It often is difficult, if not impossible to justify our actions (transitioning or not), in the face of such uncertainty and indecisiveness. I still can't justify my HRT to some of family and friends except maybe to myself, and I guess that is all that matters.

I know its silly... but I felt like our decisions have already been made and we're just going along for a ride. I believe anxiety comes from the illusion of free will. I'm guessing that we could perhaps see through this illusion when we separate ourselves from our problems and look at it from a detached position. For example, I realized how inevitable my actions were when I actually took a step back to look at the picture without having myself in the picture. I don't know how a person does that except maybe with support from others and patience with oneself.

Anyways GP, maybe the only thing that stands in your way of transitioning is "time". I firmly believe that there is a time for everything, a time to stay the same, a time to change, a time to feel anxious, and a time to do something about the anxiety, etc. Your anxiety is inevitable and perhaps necessary because it is the only way to validate your feelings. How would you know this is so important to you if you weren't anxious about it?

So I'd say, have your anxiety, and keep doing what you're doing. I think you are doing fine.

I know I'm going to be fine too because somebody will say the same to me when I'm starting to feel anxious again. lol.

Love,
Sarah

[becky77]

I'd say that my tolerance for these "fears" fluctuates on a daily basis. Sometimes I wished I could snap my fingers and rid myself of my male body in exchange for a female body, other times I feel it is easier to just play it safe. It often is difficult, if not impossible to justify our actions (transitioning or not), in the face of such uncertainty and indecisiveness. I still can't justify my HRT to some of family and friends except maybe to myself, and I guess that is all that matters.

Only you know whats right for you in the end, lol no matter how old or clever we still all just wish, wish it could be otherwise.

I know its silly... but I felt like our decisions have already been made and we're just going along for a ride. I believe anxiety comes from the illusion of free will.

Does feel like that doesn't it, likes it's a one way stream you either struggle against it or let go.

I know I'm going to be fine too because somebody will say the same to me when I'm starting to feel anxious again. lol.

We all need that, the anxiety comes out of nowhere sometimes.

[Badtranny]

Nobody "wants to be trans".

Well, I guess that's not true. I have encountered a few people on this forum who apparently have some need to join the club, but as a trans woman who lives in the beautiful SF Bay, I have personally known one or two other trans women and I feel qualified to say that NOBODY wants to be trans.

Having said that, perhaps someone can elaborate on the "cold feet" comment. I don't think transition is one of those things that should be done unless you're absolutely sure. I mean, it's a rough road, and to be completely honest, I would have turned back a dozen times already if what I was doing didn't somehow feel completely natural. (weird way to put it I know)

If you're not sure about it than by all means, don't do it. What's the purpose? Hell, if you can find a doctor to supervise the HRT for awhile and not transition, then do that. The main thing is don't do anything you don't feel absolutely driven to do.

[Nigella]

You are getting some of the best advice possible, the majority have, "been there, done that" some are going through the process now, others are at the same point you are, and as Melissa has pointed out some "wannabe" there.

We will all give you our own experience on coping mechanisms to help you through, but it is still a lonely journey, simply because you have to travel it, the best way you see fit. Moral support is always available here, 24/7, unfortunately RL support is not that readily available and there will be times when you feel so alone, you will not know what to do, that is when this board is best, there will always be someone here who can offer advice or just a sounding board for you to vent.

You are not alone, but then again you are.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

just chiming in...

live day by day

... you seem like you have your head on straight..that is huge.

you can do a lot of groundwork before making a decision... for one, you could start hair removal..its expensive, it hurts, it takes a lot of time... well guess what... that describes all of transition LOL...

I like what Melissa said...get more certainty..try to relax while you do that..

the issue is real...the distress is getting to you... focus on the distress and getting rid of it.. you know that in the end, its very possible you head towards a transition but that the future...what can you do to feel better now?? present more? learn more? HRT? work on your voice??hair removal? all of the above? and then take steps to do some of it and see what happens.. really at this point its all you can do..

don't make any promises, don't overtalk about it to people...spend the time quietly trying to make progress in getting rid of the feelings that are driving you nuts.. the benefit of this is that if you try everything, and nothing works, you kind of know what you need to do and at least for me it helped me sleep nights to know I left no stone unturned in my quest to not transition.

[Brianna_H]

I'm a complete newb to being trans-anything, but problem solving is one of my interests. You've gotten great advice here for your overall situation. What I wonder is where you are located and what kinds of challenges are most distressing to you? It may require a different thread or many discussions over time, but perhaps it will help to break the overall problem of transition into smaller issues and looking at each of those to eventually craft a plan for them.

Building on what Kaitlyn and others have said, most overwhelming tasks are made of many many smaller pieces. The whole project seems impossible, but is manageable when broken up. I don't mean to diminish the fear or magnitude of your issues at all. The fear is definitely setting in for me, too. But "one day at a time" and "one step at a time" are good strategies. Perhaps talking with this group about particular challenges will help you face them.

Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

Hugs,

Brianna

[becky77]

I would have turned back a dozen times already if what I was doing didn't somehow feel completely natural. (weird way to put it I know)

Makes perfect sense actually, cause nothing else makes sense lol.

[PretzelGirl]

I like saying it feels completely natural. Outside of that, things like stress levels vary among us. But it seems it should feel like the natural thing to do.

[Patty B.]

Bad tranny and Nigella said it best, good advice, kind of hard to turn back when it feels completely natural. Went through the summer denying myself and nothing was right or normal, and now being myself is so natural.

[Kathryn Martin]

Now here I am, trying to retain some semblance of my normal life, vividly aware of my feelings but still in the closet to everyone else. I know I can't go back now, but the way forward is unbelievably scary. I know a lot of you have been here. Please please please, if anyone can give me some advice about coming out (again), staying strong, coping, not going crazy, or just some words of encouragement, that would help me tremendously!

What you have written about makes me want to ask a number of questions. You say that you came out as transgender to everyone - what does that mean?

You write about a lengthy relationship and that you went back into the closet. How did you explain to "everyone" that you are no longer transgender or did you? You also say that you flat out denied everything that you felt - what was it that you felt and later denied? During your pansexual phase did you reject the gender binary to ameliorate your struggle not to have to define yourself? And who are you really, that you want witnessed?

The feelings that you have and of which you are vividly aware, do they interfere with your normal life? What is a normal life for you or what do you believe it to be? And what is it that scares you about your perceived way forward? Finally, in the face of what do you have to cope, not go crazy?

I find it difficult to give you any advice at this point. It seems clear from your description that within you there is a war between a need that you have and the fear of what might happen if you let the need take priority over everything else. From your description it would seem that the fear is related to what your social environment might think of you if you reveal yourself. Is that correct?

[Michelle789]

Jorja and Celeste said it best. Once you have come out, there is no going back in the closet. Coming out is one thing you cannot undo, ever. You can choose to repress yourself and try to keep up the male persona, but as far as you being out once you're out you're always out.

Having cold feet about transitioning is perfectly normal. No one wants to be trans, and no one wants to face a MAJOR change in their life, and re-gendering yourself is the biggest change you can possibly make. I had lots of fears about transitioning, and I tried to talk myself out of transitioning. I tried to convince myself that I was just a crossdresser. In fact I was convinced up until two years ago that I was a closet crossdresser, and since then I was unsure if I am a CD or a TS, although I was leaning more TS each day. In hindsight, I see that I was always TS and I just tried to deny it and lie to myself. I told myself lies that I was a closet case crossdresser, and no one knew my secret. I told myself the lie that I am a man, and I tried to keep up a male persona that really sucked, both to me and to everyone else.

I realized that I had no choice but to transition back in May, and by July I realized that I needed to go full-time, and that 165 wasn't enough.

As scary as it sounds, and with all the things that could happen if you transition, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My experience has been very positive. Most people I came out to accept me as a woman, and have started calling me Michelle and referring to me by female pronouns. The one guy that wasn't accepting was a liberal Harvard graduate who tried to talk me out of transition by claiming that I should explore life as a gay man and get treated for Asperger's. He also claimed that gender and sexual orientation are closely linked, which is obvious bullshit. He also asked me why can't I express my femininity in the body that God made. Hint: this is a MAJOR red flag that he is being transphobic. He obviously feels that me transitioning is threatening his masculinity and his fragile male ego.

We definitely can live a good quality of life as a result of transition. Even a better quality one than the one we had before. Yes, you have to be prepared to lose everything, and you might, but you likely won't lose everything either. It depends on a lot of things. Your mileage may vary when it comes to how much you lose.

I do however understand your doubts about being trans and I have been there too, and probably most of us have. And I still have yet to come out to my family, who lives 3000 miles away so I don't see them and they don't see me. They had no reason to know since they don't see me, and it made it easier for me to transition without them knowing. But the reality is I will need to come out to them by early November, because I will probably be visiting them for Christmas. I want to give them two months to let this sink in. And believe me I am terrified as hell about how they're going to react.

Please feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk