I thought I could stop

[MatildaJ.]

I'm sorry that has been your experience, MelanieAnne.

[Stephanie47]

Moose, this is the same old response to women not signing on to whatever a husband throws her way. "Honey, if you love me, you have to love me for better or worse." It works the other way too! If the wife says, "Honey if you love me you will not wear that dress!" DADT can work well for a couple. As I have said numerous times this attitude of shoving something in the face of a wife or a husband and trying to cram it down her throat is nothing short of mental spousal abuse. Many couples can work it out. Some cannot. Personhood is not exclusive to one spouse.

[Katey888]

Susan,
There's some really good advice here for how to approach this if you desire some sort of rapprochement with your wife and Michelle and Katie have both offered a mature and reasonable perspective on compromise and what it could mean for you. Personally I think every relationship is about compromise, but sometimes one or other of the participants are just not willing (or able) to suppress their personal values as far as the other wants them to... I think this is one of the best ways I've heard our closeted conundrum described here on the forum for a while:

So here is the irresistible force paradox: Though I might, if I so chose (and I don’t so choose), be able to change my behavior it still wouldn’t change the ‘who I am’ (the irresistible force.) By the same token, she can’t change the way she was raised and the things she fundamentally believes (the immovable object.) So what does happen when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? “…Actually you can test this by breaking something. That is essentially what happens. The force causes the object to become deformed or to break.”

I think that is a really elegant and useful metaphor... For me, it perfectly describes a DADT relationship as something that has become 'deformed' (not necessarily in a pejorative sense - but as something that has changed, perhaps irrevocably). A closeted, secretive existence is also one of those relationships, but in our cases (as I speak from personal experience) the knowledge and weight of the deformation rests on the one who knows - and sometimes quite heavily... But the option to open up and potentially go beyond the elastic point through plastic deformation (sorry - some old materials science emerging.. ) or rather breakage and the end of a relationship, is something some of us are not prepared to risk.

I've always said and always will, that secrecy is a valid choice - but it carries a cost - only individuals can answer the question as to whether that cost is acceptable...

Deep stuff for a Monday morning... think I'd rather be baking brownies...

Katey x

[Beverley Sims]

Susan,
I do feel for you, I had a forced purge once, I was able to clear it up and it has not happened again.