Update on my life

[Erica Grace]

Hey Ladies,

Wow it’s been a long time since I wrote here or even visited the site. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and the reason I’m here now is to share my story so far and seek advice and help from some of the most supportive people I have ever interacted with.

Around mid-April I went to Raven 19 with some lovely people I met from this site, you may have seen some of the event pics way back then. It was a blast and I had a great time, but the night unfortunately ended with me getting a DUI on my way back home. At the time, I thought I had the most supportive girlfriend in the world. I was sure we were going to get married eventually, I had even told her about my desires to dress back in December 2013 and she responded saying how supportive she was and how she wanted to embrace this newly discovered side of me. Fast-forward to April, the day after the Raven event. I told her about my legal issues and she freaked, mainly because I had previously made a promise to never drink and drive. I could defend my side of the story (i.e. it obviously wasn’t intentional, I sincerely believe I was OK to drive, etc.) but clearly I made a mistake and needed her help. Anyway, she completely overreacted and treated me like a degenerate and had no faith in me. She didn’t want to speak for a week and then when we finally spoke, she dumped me. We broke up because of the crossdressing as it turns out, and I never saw it coming. Our relationship seemed better than ever and she was acting like everything was fine during the 4 months from when I told her to when we broke up. Basically she used the DUI as an excuse to get out of the relationship. So at a point in my life when I needed someone the most, I suddenly had no one.

I haven’t dressed since that night (the night of Raven) and I purged all of my clothes/makeup/shoes, everything. Honestly, it was easy to give up; all I had to do was think of the woman I loved that I lost because of my dressing. It turned me from the love of her life into someone she had absolutely no sexual attraction for anymore. This was unfathomable to me, how could something she knows nothing about, and something she hasn’t even seen yet (as she had yet to see me dressed) turn her off from me completely?

I have been making an effort to not dress at all, in an attempt to mitigate the complications in life (as there are so many), and to enable me to not go through another heartbreak in the future. Because truthfully (and I know you know this), this thing we do is not accepted by the majority and seriously does change people’s perceptions of us, despite how unfair it may be. I just don’t ever want to go through the same thing again (love a girl, tell her my secret, watch her fall out of love with me and out of my life).

So anyway I digress and sorry for the long post. I have been reclusive for the past 5 months, mainly trying to figure everything out with my legal problems and going to therapy to discover why I like to dress, what I get out of it, and if it is something I can live without. I honestly haven’t felt like myself for the past few months; I lost respect for myself for doing something so stupid, I lost the idea of where my future was heading, and I lost the love of my life (or so I thought…I know everyone is going to say, “she wasn’t the right one for you, she should have been there for you, you’ll find someone that loves you again” and you are right, but at the same time it still hurts being rejected by someone you cared for so deeply at one point).

I miss this part of me to a degree, but I also can’t stand the idea of possibly feeling this rejected and unloved again. I hope you all have been doing wonderfully.

~Erica Grace

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Erica, figuring yourself out is the best thing you can do before any more relationships. I won't lie and tell you that your ex was rare and secretly most women are attracted to crossdressers. I think you know the reality of heterosexual women is the same as heterosexual men - we're attracted to our sexual opposite. Men portraying women throw a difficult ingredient into this. I still struggle to keep my interest in my H after seeing him dressed only a couple of times. We're doing better, but it can be very hard for some GGs to bypass our basic biology and see the man below the female image. Your ex couldn't and that's not her fault. It's not yours either - it just wasn't meant to be.

If you do continue to dress, then finding a girl who is more accepting will mean telling her about Erica early on. You might suffer more rejection than not, but eventually you'll find the girl who will stick around, especially if you figure out who you are first and approach any future relationships with inner confidence. We girls love a guy who knows who he is and what he wants.

[Princess Grandpa]

When I was 17 I got pulled over for drinking and driving. They took me in to the police station and gave me a breath test. I passed. I was well below the legal limit and the officers drove me back to my vehicle. Bi vowed that night never to let this happen again. If I have to drive I will not allow the smell of alcohol on my breath. We go out a lot. Julie drinks I drive. I hope your legal situation resolves favorably and I'm glad you didn't get hurt.

If my wife were to one day decide "I just can't handle the dressing. I tried but..." (something I fear greatly) I don't know what I would do. I've come to understand this is a fundamental part of who I am.and I don't know that I could so easily put it away. Walking away I could do but staying away without it having consequences...

Hug
Rita

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

Erica, I have never gotten a DUI but have deserved many though the years. I have now been sober for 20 years. that is/was the easy part. I have been crossdressing for the most part of 50 years. Been married 3 times, I came out to all 3 long before I proposed but the first one decided she couldn't be with a man that wasn't a man but she would try to stay with me if we had an open marriage (divorce was soon after) the second was with a younger gal that loved having Tammy around ( she could experiment with her bi-sexuality) both marriages were about 7 years each but after the second divorce I didn't purge like I had after every other breakup I had had over the years. ( way too many to count) shortly after I divorced my second wife, after I found her and my best friend in the swimming pool ( they were not swimming) I was introduced to my wife of 23 years. I told her about Tammy that night ( no sense wasting to much time on another lost relationship, may as well send her screaming into the night right away) We talked, took it slow and became friends then lovers.

I have realized that there are some that can quit dressing but I am NOT one of them. As was said above, you have to figure yourself out and go on from there. Get past your legal problems and get back in the ring. but when you feel the urge to purge... box it up and hide it away. Most of us here have purged many times then have to buy everything again.

Good luck to you and keep you chin up. You're a beautiful young lady and there is someone out there for you

[kimdl93]

Ok, let's not reduce everything to CDing. You made the same mistake many of us have made...driving after drinking. If she had problems with your CDing, she didn't need an excuse to call it off. Getting a DUI, while regrettable, doesn't make you a bad person...just human.

I haven't gotten one, but have certainly deserved one many times. I'm glad I haven't hurt anyone and have avoided the consequences.

So you got dumped. Hate to tell you, but, CD or not, this happens. And one can mistakenly assume that CDing was the cause, but that doesn't explain the other 95% of relationship failures, now does it. You've licked your wounds long enough. You're paying the societal price for DUI. So learn from the experience and move on

You are here. You are transgendered...it's not a crime and it's possible to have relationships, careers and otherwise fulfilling lives, all within the context of being transgendered. So, pick yourself up, dust yours off, get out there again and be open about yourself. And have an O'Douls or club soda instead of a drink if you have to drive.

[Roxie]

I'm on board with kim on this one ,You made a mistake and got a DWI not the smartest move in the world.However it's not the end of the world,you didn't kill anybody ,didn't wreck any cars.etc So pony up and do what you need to to get your license clean ,pay your fines and learn from your mistakes.EVERYBODY makes mistakes ,smart people learn from them.
Now for your girlfriend,take it from someone who has been there. If she left you because of your crossdressing,there where more issues than that. I was living with the "love of my life" Had it all nice. house,money etc.However she could not accept me being transgender,even though she knew up front.So I left ,we had more than just this issue like just everyone else.But I could never wrap my head around the fact I she didn't love the real me.I'm sorry for loss of your girlfriend it does suck.however she was gone when you needed her most.My advice would be to find out who you really are ,I have found out vary quickly that if people don't accept me for who I am .They can step off and get out of my life Always remember the only life you can live is yours
good luck and chin up
Roxie

[GretchenJ]

Hi Erica,

sorry to hear about your recent issues. I'm sorry about the loss of you girlfriend as well as your legal issues. I am glad that you are seeking counseling in order to figure out your possible issues. That's good.

You made a mistake, welcome to the human race. Based upon your reaction, I am pretty sure that you will refuse to be put in that situation again.

But while you are sorting things out, be very careful not to hold shiva. Time has passed, it's time to go live life again, to whatever capacity that makes YOU happy. This has superseded crossdressing, so time to venture outside (be it either in a dress or a pair of jeans and a beard).

I am no expert in anything, but I, as well as all here are good listeners. Feel free to PM anytime

Gretch

[candykowal]

I was close to being engaged twice when I was in my twenties, each time I told my girlfriend, I was dumped.
The first one was quick, the second, I told after a few date and she accepted it at first, then like you, found an excuse to leave.
So I purged, like you, but I never looked back, found my current wife and never CDed for 20 years.
But there is always something, a life event, middle age.....that always brings back your feminine nature to CD.
My current wife doesn't know due to my past history and I wished I told her 20 years ago.
It's too late for me due to various reasons...things in our marriage, etc.
Stick to your guns and your inner feelings or be like me and stay in the closet with your social circles for the rest of your life!

[Jenniferathome]

Ok, let's not reduce everything to CDing. .....

Kim goes yard on this reply! Agree 100%

[Rileyaz]

Hang in there. Get a good attorney if you haven't already. As far as relationships go tell her early on and let the chips fall as they may. Know that God doesn't make mistakes. Know that you are still loved.

[Wildaboutheels]

"and she freaked, mainly because I had previously made a promise to never drink and drive."

Do you know if maybe her mother or father or any siblings or best friends MAY have been killed by a drunk driver? And/or killed themselves? Sorry but I got ZERO sympathy for anyone who drinks and drives and obviously has ZERO respect for other people's lives. And no, I NEVER took up drinking or smoking as I never had the need to do dumb stuff in an attempt to be accepted. However, I know how "normal" AND accepted alcohol consumption is. I mean if EVERYone drinks and drives and some/most get away with it it must be OK, right?

I suggest you find and watch a video or two of what happens to most people's driving reflexes long before they reach the legal limit. Even PROfessional drivers suffer.

You should have swore off/given up alcohol. It's not like air, water or food.

You look young enough that you have "many" years to figure your "dressing" self out but don't let anyone here tell you that dressing alone can't ruin a Relationship. That's Sheer bullpoop, WELL DOCUMENTED here for people who take the time to read other people's responses. In your case, it looks like your dressing had little or nothing to do with your breakup.

If I were you I would try to figure out just what you want out of/expect from your dressing before getting involved again.

[Jodi]

When I go out dressed, I drink no alcohol.

Jodi

[paulaprimo]

erica,

first off, i'm so happy to hear from you. it broke my heart when you said that you had no one.
even though i only met you that one time at raven we do share a "sisterhood" and only wished
you reached out to me or any of the other girls. i've thought of you many times and constantly
asked sami if she had heard from you.

i am truly sorry for the loss of your gf and you certainly don't need to be lectured about drinking
and driving. we were all young at one time and have all made mistakes.

i've probably had more wives than you have had gf's so i think that i can say, before you can find
true happiness with someone, you have to find true happiness within yourself. whatever you decide
to do in the future, once you are happy and content you will find someone to love and accept you!
you are very young and have a whole lifetime ahead of you. i know that you are hurting, but its
time to move forward.

please don't ever feel like you are alone. there are many girls here that miss, love and worry about you!
big hugs
paula

[Katey888]

Erica, dear - like most others here I think it's so nice to hear from you...

Having read what you've gone through I don't blame you one bit for focusing on what you have decided is the right thing for you to do through that time... Nobody else has to live your life for you - you have to do that on your own and to your own set of values, no-one else's...

I'm so sorry to hear what has transpired following the DUI thing - you were clearly unfortunate with that and to reinforce what Paula said, you don't need lecturing on something you clearly must deeply regret now - rather let this be a salutary lesson for others reading your story. We are none of us destined for sainthood here...

And FWIW, I think you're right in one way to be considering and deeply thinking about what this part of your life means to you - I'm sure I would if I were your age and in your situation. And I'd offer a note of caution and balance as always for what you'll read here and may have picked up in the past - there are some here who have been fortunate enough to be open to their SOs from the very outset and have been accepted; there are others who have written of a string of failed or stalled relationships related to their dressing - both are true; both are real examples, I believe, but it's difficult to know the real proportion as the ones who post here are more likely to be the 'good news' examples, imho...

The cautionary part is two-fold. The first relates to the condition that we undoubtedly all share - whatever we choose to call it - CD/TG/GD... You clearly need to express this part of you, and that for me says that while you may be able to suppress this feeling over time, it will likely come back, and the process of trying to hold back will ultimately not be good for you as a complete person. How you find a way to deal with that is the biggest challenge many of us will face in life... But I think there's little doubt it will resurface sometime, somehow - and you'll need to find an outlet for it...

The second part is to recognise that many, many folk here who have successfully come out to their SO, did so ONLY after a long time of establishing a relationship where the weirdness was very carefully submerged. However duplicitous it may be - and it may irk some folk here but then this is reality, however much they may deny it - you do have a choice to not reveal this part of you to any prospective SOs..
I'm not saying it's ideal by any means, but there are many relationships here that have been founded on that pragmatic principle - only you can answer that from your own ethical viewpoint. I hold up my hand and accept that I have had two long term relationships where the other party had no inkling of this side of me... well, perhaps until the last couple of years - but nothing overt. I choose to live that way even now - yes it's a compromise, but one that I and a whole lot of other folk also chose to make in order to eliminate one radical objection to being an eligible partner... Just my on that - it was, is and will always remain a viable option for anyone... Don't let anyone moralise you into values that are not your own...

Good luck with your legal probs and the counselling may help too - I hope you can find a way through this short term and then a good life approach for yourself ultimately... Take care of yourself - take it easy...

Katey x