Late transitioners

[Marleena]

Jorja raised a great question in another thread. There are many late transitioners here which begs the question, why? Why did it take you so long?

Here Is Jorja's original question: " I really cannot understand how many of you could wait so long. For me, it was a driving need, a must, I simply had to transition as soon as possible or die. How did you manage to put off the intense feelings for so long? I understand family obligations, career obligations etc... Was it that you just did not realize it at that time? "

I won't bore you with my story again other than to say I was going it alone thinking I was the only person dealing with it. It was pre-internet. I did not know where to get help and was afraid. I only knew I had gender issues. So it became "mind over matter" so to speak and suffering in silence.

I think for many of us we "hit the wall" later in life, possibly after a life changing event or the feeling we are running out of time.

I'm quite sure that had there been support groups and the information that's available today I would have transitioned in my twenties. I live in a city of about 200,000 and only in the last year has trans health care/help become available here.

[VanTG]

For one thing, and I am just taking a guess here, but I think the internet had a huge impact on it. I think it made things so much more accessible than ever before and allowed people to connect on other levels.

Just my guess and something I would like to study some more.

[Dianne S]

There are many reasons it took me so long. First, I thought I was "just" a crossdresser. I thought getting married would cure me, but of course it didn't.

Then we had three kids, which I thought would cure me. In a sense, it was a temporary cure: We were so busy raising our family that I pushed all transgender issues aside.

Then in 2013, I did have a life-changing event; my father passed away. My father had always been slightly eccentric and marched to his own beat. He always told us kids to be true to ourselves and not let others influence who we are. I guess when he died, I simultaneously realized I had a limited time on this earth, and that I really should follow my father's advice. The barriers of repression and denial fell away.

It is not a steady path. I started spironolactone and then stopped because I had severe doubts. I thought about things for 8 weeks and now I'm back on spiro. I'm slowly coming to peace with the fact that I need to transition.

[samantha rogers]

Marleena, your tale is exactly like my own. I grew up in an extremely macho and homophobic environment when there were zero examples, role models, or support groups. The denial and self repression was extreme and coupled with a strong ability to role play (Im an actor by profession) led to development of a male mask I still struggle with. The "running out of time" business resonates strongly with me.

[PretzelGirl]

I originally thought I was a late bloomer from the perspective of even having feelings. But once I started looking back and understanding that what I was seeing more clearly now, was a fog when I was younger and I just stuffed it because I didn't understand it. I benefited while I was young by it not being at the level that caused me stress. But once I started exploring and learning, the feelings took hold. It is an evolutionary thing in some "late bloomers" to me. Others try to hang on and it overcomes them. Either is the same result.

[becky77]

What age defines a late transitioner?
For me I would say the internet made a big difference, before that I felt like a freak all on my own. Also it didn't seem possible and I didn't want to live such a hard life. I tried everything to bury it, managed a spell of ten years being the proper guy and husband. Now that feels like such a waste of time, a time that I was living in total denial and keeping my mind in the present at all times.
Then it just became too unbearable being that person, I had zero self esteem, no confidence at all in the end I was desperate for therapy. The therapy helped strip away the denials and face the truth. After that a new fear took place, the fear of regret and not transitioning.
I don't want to be that person that is riven with bitterness, because they didn't have the courage to do what is necessary. Also once you open yourself up to transition, it feels like a natural process. You can't explain it as everything in your life is crazy, but you just know you are on the right path finally.
Should I have done it sooner? Probably, but then the time is right when the time is right.

[PaulaQ]

They murdered the one openly gay kid in my high school. That sends a message of conformity like no other.

It was illegal for part of my life here in Texas to even crossdress.

Alcohol and drugs are marvelous for surpressing these feelings, although rather quickly they become a problem in and of themselves.

After that, by that point I'd really screwed up and had a kid I had to take care of. I wasn't going to get work as trans in Texas.

So I immersed myself in being a workaholic. Software design for me was a wonderful way to distract myself from my feelings. Especially when I did it 12-14 hours a day.

And I really did love my second wife. I knew she'd never accept this, but losing her was unthinkable.

[savannaxdrsser]

I understand all the different feelings expressed. For me, wearing my sisters and mothers things when I was young was about getting aroused. I did feel like a girl somewhat, but could never share that, always thought I was just weird. Now I think that maybe inside I had those gender issues and dressing was a way to express it at the time. In other words, I dressed because I felt like a girl, not I felt like a girl when I dressed. Of course those feelings came and went, but were always there, just got pushed back with other life issues. The internet certainly made a big difference, suddenly there were others just like myself, with very similar stories and it felt just natural. I am still very much in the closet, but at least there are outlets, like here, to express and explore all these feelings.

[Thea Pauline]

Most of what has been said here applies to me as well. I was never satisfied with myself but I didn't know why; cross dressing off and on, preferring the company of girls, all since age three should have been an indicator, but as I grew up, openly transgender didn't exist in society.

I did the same things as many, military, marriage, divorce. Tried to conform and figured this was my lot in life. Then the million to one survival of a medical event caused by stress; therapy, realization, self acceptance, transition. And on life goes.

[Nigella]

I'm a late transitioner, but then again, I'm not.

My transition started when I was young, when I first looked in a mirror and thought, you're a girl. However, the gender dysphoria did not kick in till my late 40s. I was able to lead the life of a GM, doing all the things that were "normal" for a male. Dated girls, joined the military, got married, had kids, none of it felt wrong. I don't know why the GD kicked in when it did, but all it did was bring back the thoughts and feelings of first looking in the mirror.

I don't regret my past, any of it, it has made me the person I am today, if I had transitioned early, I would not be the same.

[Angela Campbell]

For me it was a little different from that Nigella. I also knew from early childhood but I was tought quite young to never let anyone know. I never liked playing with the boys and never fit in. I tried very hard to seem like a normal boy but everyone could tell i was different. I did what I had to do,
over the years it was always on my mind, along with the fear that someone would find out. In a small town in south Georgia the results of someone finding out would have resulted in similar circumstances as Paula described in Texas. Not good.

So I blundered along trying to survive until the pain was more than the fear. At that point i began to transition whether i wanted to or not.

Wish I had so much earlier but looking back it would have been impossible.

[GabbiSophia]

I really relate to you Nigella. I have no idea why mine has come on but I do not hate my past. I am not late per say as i was 35 but i have always felt like I haven't fit in. I came to grips with it and my gd took over. As i grew up i always wondered what was wrong with me. It was a story of a ts that made me realize that I wasn't alone in the world and it wasn't a jerry springer type. Once I knew that then it really come on hard ever since.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I was 48 ..I transitioned early hehe

[Marleena]

Hmmm.. it a appears somebody did not define what a late transitioner is. Cute..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

to be less silly if you've invested a lot of time and energy in a male life, your transition will be impacted by certain issues ...unwinding the investments can be brutal and some frankly just can't do it..
isn't that all that really matters?

the specific age seems irrelevant to me...

and rather than use the idea as a club to disbelieve and bash us, how about realizing its pretty much proof that its real... the upheaval of later transition can't really be understated...its hard enough to do it young..
but it gets incredibly difficult ...and yet we do it...and we universally say it was worth it... (Assuming being ts as a given...Charles kane et al doesn't count)

[Marleena]

No bashing was intended when I posted this Kaitlyn, nor should there be.

We'll be seeing less late transitioners due to the fact there is help readily available. The youngsters are being believed and getting help at an early age.

[Jenessa]

I think for many of us we "hit the wall" later in life, possibly after a life changing event or the feeling we are running out of time.

This sums it up for me, there was an event in my life and it made me realize I had to stop living for everyone else and do what was right for me before I got to old.

[GabbiSophia]

No bashing was intended when I posted this Kaitlyn, nor should there be.

We'll be seeing less late transitioners due to the fact there is help readily available. The youngsters are being believed and getting help at an early age.

I am not sure about this. I never thought I was ts or tg or anything till my mid 30. Yes I knew I was different but that wasn't a path I had looked for. If as Nigella also indicated it just hits you. I know it smacked me. I bee I've you are correct and that it will help some.

[Marleena]

Fair enough Gabbi, I'm sure not judging anybody here. I'm struggling with all of this myself.

[LeaP]

Here's the deal: There was an implication – or at least a question – in Jorja's original comment that implies that intensity wasn't sufficient to drive transition at an earlier age in the (now) late transitioning population. Her comment carried special weight in this regard, I think, because she transitioned during a period in which it was extraordinarily difficult TO transition. I.e. she is a contemporary of the current crop of late transitioners (especially the really old ones ... ). And so if she transitioned, had to transition, then… um, how can you possibly say, late transitioners, that your situation is equivalent?

People argue different constraints. A murder is a pretty strong one! But you know, people transition in the face of that anyway. You think people didn't get murdered back in the day? They argue acceptance. But things were even worse in that regard back in the day. They argue the difficulty of unwinding ever-accumulating investments. That carries a lot of weight as regards the difficulty of transitioning now, but it doesn't address why someone didn't transition early at all. Some are talking about what they knew as opposed to what they did. All that does is lead to weight to Jorja's question, frankly. Illegalities. Really? Do you know that in some jurisdictions doctors could be prosecuted for mayhem for performing SRS in years past. And if one doesn't like the situation where they are, it is always possible to move. (Possible, not necessarily practical. I hope no one is going to hang their hat on the necessity of practicality given the subject matter.).

My cut at it is a little different. And that is that intensity can manifest in different forms, the drive toward transition being just one.

The second part of my response is on the concept of late transition itself. I think anything short of growing up in your true gender is a late transition! If you accept, as I do, that it is possible for transsexuals of the same level of intensity to transition at different points in their lives, then the differences are in the details, not in kind.

[Rianna Humble]

My story is a matter of global public record. I knew I was meant to be a girl from a very early age, got mixed up with a group that persuaded me that Gender was a matter of choice, Was unable to marry the woman I loved when I was in my twenties as I knew I could not play the role of a husband but tried everything to sublimate the knowledge that I was living a lie. Told myself that I could never transition and later told myself that in any case I would be a lonely, ugly, woman and that no-one wants to know someone like that. Got to a certain point in my life where my depression was such that I had to choose to act or kill myself. Began transition at the ripe young age of 54.

I have occasionally wished that I had had the strength and the financial resources to transition when I was younger, but such regrets serve no useful purpose.

[Marleena]

Here's the deal: There was an implication – or at least a question – in Jorja's original comment that implies that intensity wasn't sufficient to drive transition at an earlier age in the (now) late transitioning population. Her comment carried special weight in this regard, I think, because she transitioned during a period in which it was extraordinarily difficult TO transition. I.e. she is a contemporary of the current crop of late transitioners (especially the really old ones ... ). And so if she transitioned, had to transition, then… um, how can you possibly say, late transitioners, that your situation is equivalent?

Interesting... I saw/see her question as harmless since she is a member of our own community. I see it as her just wondering out loud how we managed to hold off for so long. In fact I was happy that she managed to transition at an early age.

[PaulaQ]

Although it will be hard for some here to believe, I'm quite good at ignoring even rather intense personal pain, both physical and emotional. It stems from my early childhood in the hospital. I spent 5 if my first seven birthdays in a children's orthopedic hospital, and expressing fear, sadness, and pain were VERY strongly discouraged back then.

So at one point, they tested me to see if I felt pain. I did. I just didn't express it.

I shoved this stuff down until I simply couldn't live any longer. It was stupid - I waited too long and attempted my own life.

I could've died.

Look, I thought about transition when I was younger. Frankly, at the time it seemed impossible, like I'd need to be a millionaire. I had NO idea where to find out even how to begin in Texas in the 80's. It just seemed hopeless - an impossible dream. The therapist I see now wasn't even in practice yet - she worked in a local lesbian bar.

I dunno, I guess I was weak. I couldn't even imagine what else to do but shove these feelings down with as much alcohol as I could swallow. Others managed to do it. I didn't. Once I had a kid, I felt obligated to take care of him.

Anyway, it's water under the bridge. There's no changing the past.

[BOBBI G.]

By all standards, I am a late transitioner. I'm 71 now and was 70 when I took my first medication. I always felt different and knew I didn't fit in, but I just thought they weren't happy around me. Never called names or made more fun of than most. Just your normal screwed up kid. All I knew is I wasn't happy. Tried to be the male and had a child in 1972, and hid myself until in the late 90's. Found the internet and and a magical word "transgender". I now knew who I was but kept it under covers until my wife and I divorced in 2010. Then I came out as a crossdresser and in February of 2013 I started living full time as a woman. Started therapy in Sept and in October started HRT. And here I am today, living the life I always should have. This is just a synopsis, but pretty concise.

Bobbi

["BRANDY"]

Bobbi, I am so proud of you, I am at 57 years old........and people like you inspire , me , thankyou from the heart

lol Brandy