Why passing matters. The dream and the reality.

[CarlaWestin]

Percentage Wise, I pass right by and practically no one notices. And when I'm presenting in femme-drab, flats, jeans, t-shirt, small boobs, age appropriate short gray wig, at the dollar store, I just blend in with the way most GG's are dressed. But, it's interesting here in Las Vegas. I've seen GG's in the grocery store wearing six inch platforms, giant hoop earrings, skin tight leather jeans and oversized bulging breasts in tops cut low to just above the nipples. Outfits that I would wear but, not without expecting to be clocked by everyone.

[Melanie B]

... how many women do you see who are 6'2" in bare feet and wear a size 26? ...- Amy

That describes me to a "T"! And no, I don't believe I can pass -- though I like to think I can blend.

But the "Mel" me has only just come back after a very long absence, and one of the things I have noticed is that GGs must have got a lot bigger while she was away!
10-15 years ago, it was difficult to find clothes and almost impossible to find shoes anywhere other than "specialist" shops, whose products seemed to be aimed mainly at fetishists.
Now, I know at least one high street chain store where I could buy a complete outfit - underwear, outerwear and shoes in one stop.
So now I don't feel I need to worry about the things I can't change (height, bra band size, shoe size) and can concentrate on things I can change -- makeup, mannerisms, voice, walk, etc.

[sometimes_miss]

Elevator etiquette is to look straight ahead and try not to make anyone uncomfortable, especially in a hotel at night with just myself and a single woman. But SHE was the one who started the conversation, and I had nowhere to hide.

I would bet my bottom dollar that she wouldn't have spoken to a strange guy in a hotel elevator on a Saturday night....So yeap, for 20 seconds, I passed up close and personal with a GG:-)

Easy. Often women won't initiate conversation or even look at an unknown male because it conveys even a miniscule amount of interest, and the guy starts hitting on them. However, she saw you as a crossdresser, assumed you were gay, and apparently 'safe' to open up to. Women feel comfortable around gay guys. Or haven't you noticed that? Well, you do now.

[NicoleScott]

I've been told by a few people that I "pass" really well;

Amy, I hope you're talking about people who know you, because if you aren't, when strangers tell you you pass really well, you didn't pass.

[Richelle]

I have no idea how well or often I pass. Worrying about it was a major impediment to my enjoying being myself and going out. I finally decided not to worry about it and to get on with life.

I am with Eryn on this. There are to many other issues to worry about. If they keep referring to me using female pronouns even after a longer conversation, I accept it as them either being polite or for them I pass as a GG. Either way I get on with my life

Richelle

[kimdl93]

I can't read minds, so I can never be certain how I'm perceived by others. I simply presume that I'm read, but conduct myself as though I haven't been. In most of my daytime encounters, people seem to quickly move past any doubts about my gender and treat me the same as any other woman. How I'm actually treated is much more important to me than speculations on how the perceive me.

[Michelle789]

I have no idea how well or often I pass. Worrying about it was a major impediment to my enjoying being myself and going out.

I think this happens to a lot of us, and to CDers, transwomen, and transmen. We can never tell if someone calls us ma'am or she if that means we pass, or we don't pass but they respect us enough to gender us properly. Being called sir or he doesn't automatically mean the person who misgendered you hates you either. Sometimes it's just the way the brain puts together gender cues and responds quickly.

There are some awfully masculine-looking GGs out there and they don't give a moment's notice to "passing." Yet they pass easily, because it is all about being confident in yourself

I agree 100% that confidence is the key to passing. If you look confident in yourself, most people won't try to clock you, and will gender you properly. You send out vibes that you belong here and are just being real. If you look nervous or fearful, you'll be clocked because you're sending out vibes that you don't belong here and that you're just an imposter.

I also believe that attitude is important too. Attitude includes confidence. But it also includes behaving as a likeable person. If you're always nervous, fidgety, cussing, threatening to beat people, talking out of turn, acting inappropriately, people will clock you and treat you as a freak. If you act cool, calm, confident, act with dignity, talk with dignity, smile, act pleasantly, be a friendly person, people won't clock you, and even if they do clock you they will most likely treat you as if you are just any other woman.

[abby054]

"A good heart is better than all the heads in the world. The easiest person to deceive is one's own self." ~Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Therein lies both the solution to the question of "passing" and the bane to assessing it. I can firmly believe that I pass when everyone else disagrees. Yet, if I am kind and wise, I can be accepted for what I present even when everyone fully understands who and what I am.

I went out most of yesterday. I did have long conversations with a church's pastor, a sales associate in a department store, and an attendant at a hotel fitness center. The sales attendant was a great actress. After working with me for over an hour, she read the obviously male name on the credit card and did not change her delivery in the slightest. (BTW, I bought five items, so her time was rewarded with commission.) The fitness center attendant engaged in the most interesting conversation. We discussed the availability of the facilities and the fee for using them. She could not find the fee schedule and the hotel desk clerks were no help. When I asked if there are changing facilities, she replied, "Yes, the locker room is right behind you." I looked and saw two locker room doors, the nearest being the guys' locker room. A few seconds later, she asked her male coworker about fees, saying, "This lady wants to know the fee for using the swimming pool." The conversation went on to other services of the hotel, when the busy hours are, and a bunch of other things. Did I pass? I don't know. Does it matter? I assure you that I will not try to find out by entering the ladies' locker room. Therefore, it probably does not matter.

[Kris Avery]

To each one of you beautiful ladies....
You are all wonderful and were created the way you are - for a specific reason.
Hold your head high and walk proud in your lovely clothes and shoes/boots.

While I don't go out in girl mode- as I really have no desire for others harshly judge me or my family...(no pass for sure)...I certainly have upmost respect for those who do and certainly wish them well. (Go girl!)

I'm going to be so amazed to meet one of us in real life someday .
I'm always on the lookout too BTW, especially when I'm shopping in the ladies sections...so watch out for me.

I just might arm wrestle you for that sz 14 dress..especially if it's satin...

[JayeLefaye]

....I just might arm wrestle you for that sz 14 dress..especially if it's satin...

I'll let ya have the dress, Wendy, if I can have the skirt and sweater...And then maybe we can team up and beat the daylights out of those who are size 10 and under....Jealous much Jaye? Oh, perhaps a tad:-)

Jaye

[Nadine Spirit]

Omg, this:

I also believe that attitude is important too. Attitude includes confidence. But it also includes behaving as a likeable person. If you're always nervous, fidgety, cussing, threatening to beat people, talking out of turn, acting inappropriately, people will clock you and treat you as a freak. If you act cool, calm, confident, act with dignity, talk with dignity, smile, act pleasantly, be a friendly person, people won't clock you, and even if they do clock you they will most likely treat you as if you are just any other woman.

I don't know if I pass, because I don't care. I know I don't pass when I wear just my bikini bottoms at the pool. But I am pretty confidnet about it and people just don't seem to care.

I do really think what Michelle wrote is spot on.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Easy. Often women won't initiate conversation or even look at an unknown male because it conveys even a miniscule amount of interest, and the guy starts hitting on them. However, she saw you as a crossdresser, assumed you were gay, and apparently 'safe' to open up to. Women feel comfortable around gay guys. Or haven't you noticed that? Well, you do now.

You are on the right track except for GGs assuming we are gay. After some time chatting with some ladies that have initiated conversation with me, I have asked when they picked me and (gently) tested their preconceptions. It is something that has interested me for some time. They have usually worked out I'm male some time before they initiate conversation and often because of my size (body, hands, etc). Yet they have still initiated conversation. I also wear traditional femme engagement and wedding rings to show that I'm married.

We have conditioned ourselves to expect that people will want to avoid CDers and will be aghast when realising their mistake. It was transformational for me understanding that many GGs still want to talk to me (male voice and all) and will initiate conversation with a crossdresser. I now have a number of good friendships that started that way. I strongly urge all CDers to be open to conversations initiated by others. They will likely have picked you before engaging with you.

I agree 100% that confidence is the key to passing.

I also believe that attitude is important too. Attitude includes confidence. But it also includes behaving as a likeable person.

Michelle I agree with your post except for "confidence is the key to passing". Confidence helps us not to care whether we pass or not - it is the key to enjoying social interaction in the real world knowing and accepting that we don't pass.

[docrobbysherry]

I must disagree with Michelle based on my experiences out. "Confidence" is a key to being accepted. But, it has nothing to do with really "Passing". And, that's NOT what the OP is about anyway.

It was supposed to be about dressers who were treated quite differently when people thot they were female without a doubt. As opposed to the way they r treated when people aren't sure or know u r a confident CD/TS.

As I have noticed on the few brief moments when I "passed".

[AmyGaleRT]

Amy, I hope you're talking about people who know you, because if you aren't, when strangers tell you you pass really well, you didn't pass.

Nicole, this was a girl from my support group who knows me who said it most recently. But, you know, if it's a stranger saying that to me, indicating that they've read me, so what? As long as they treat me as a woman and with all the respect that they would give a woman, does it matter? I certainly would tell them about myself if they asked politely; it would help me in my belief that if more people knew ladies like us and knew about what makes us be who we are, fewer people would hate and fear us.

- Amy

[BillieAnneJean]

I do not know if I pass, probably not. But who gets enough time to examine me? Most people are just passing by. If I do a good enough job on my presentation, if I behave and look like what I want them to believe, unless they have more than a glance as they go by, they will either see what I want them to see, or by the time they decide that something may be amiss, I am already gone. I do not stare at them as I go by. If close by, that gives them only a short time to diagnose. If I am further away I an hope that they are not wearing their glasses. They likely just don't care, compared to their phone.

For wait staff, sales staff, and others that involve more face time, mostly they seem to get the concept that addressing me as I present myself will likely have a better result for customer satisfaction. Or a better tip. Certainly staff that address us as we present causes us to go there again.

And if I do a good enough job, wear appropriate clothing, although I tend to dress better than the usual GGs, behave in a manner consistent to a female, then perhaps I create enough doubt that they decide the potential negative results do not justify their effort to "out" me.

But I am having so much fun with this, I just don't care. I have been out maybe 74 times in the last two years. I have been made aware of my shortcomings by someone who considered themselves to be the gender determining professional. If calling me sir or staring pleases them, then so be it. It does not diminish my enjoyment either before or after. This is just too much fun.

Such Fun!

Besides I do not dress for anyone but myself. It is purely for my own amusement that I do this.

[Megan70]

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck then it must be... [a passing]crossdresser

[Eryn]

This evening I had an entire bar full of trivia buffs sing me "Happy Birthday." Some of them may have "made" me, but to most of them I'm just the tall woman who usually sits at cuch and such table. All of them seem to be perfectly OK with me and that is what is important.

[MariaA]

I suppose at least for me is that it isn't so much passing and being a girl. It is more that well being presentable. I am hispanic and in the hispanic culture we are raised to always look our best, even if it is to the grocery store. So that spills over into my cd. I know I don't pass as a real woman but looking my very best is all that matters in the end. A compliment on how I look goes way further then passing.

[kkaye]

You look wonderful. You got the reaction, I always want in public.

[kkaye]

You look mavalous. Keep the confidence.

[kkaye]

I feel the same way. I dress for me. I dress mature so not to attract young or interested men. I blend in and enjoy being me. You luke mavalous!

[SamanthaSometimes]

...Wow, Bam, Bazinga! Yes read it again ladies: “There, I at least want the people to know that I am a woman!”...The hair, the makeup, clothes, lingerie, voice lessons, and of course, shoes are all gestures to the world that we are women. Just like the jean skirt and scalloped top that was nowhere near as practical for clearing brush that morning, they served a vital purpose for my wife; they signaled the world that she was a woman and validated her identity. It brought her appearance more in line with who she felt she was.

This is a very well written and though provoking reply Paula_56. It is so true that sometimes what we adorn is what we identify with. This is true for the guy wearing his favorite football's team jersey, your wife in a jean skirt and scalloped linen top, or the CD in or out of their house. For me, CDing is a matter of gender identity congruence.