Hi all,
Last night I read a post in the "loved ones forum" about one ours who has decided to repress her desires rather than risk losing her SO to disclosure. Specifically she is boxing her female identity and is willing to risk the emotional trauma that goes with it. She wasn't saying that she is planning to continue dressing and not tell her SO . . . she is trying to quit, purge and so forth. She was honest in that she knows it will be hard but that is what she is willing to do for her relationship. Now for the most part the comments were supportive and/or benign but as always happens with this "tell / don't tell" polarized debate, some people latch on with hurtful and downright nasty comments. Really do terms like liar, coward, deceitful and so on do anyone but yourself any good? Is it cathartic to let loose with sniping comments without any understanding how those words can affect people's emotional being? You don't know where a person's mindset is when they post a thought or share an epiphany and the words you commit to posts can have consequences. Surely on some level you must understand that?
We all know and I am sure some of us have experienced the depths of emotional trauma this thing we do can bring us to and I am talking about a very bad place. You may be emotionally anchored in this world but not everyone is and your one misguided attempt to be snarky could throw a person off kilter and they could end up doing something very serious. However, you won't know will you? That person will just cease to exist on this forum and you'll just assume they decided to run and hide because you told them what for. Seriously, how many here wonder what happens to those who have a bad experience on this forum and just disappear. We may think about it for a second but then file it away. IMHO some here really need to learn how to take responsibility for the things they write. Before you submit words to post, try thinking of the post like an up close and personal conversation . . . Would you be that nasty and rude to someone in person? Hmm . . . I am thinking most likely not. It is easy to hide behind a keyboard and electronic devices when sending out snide comments it is a lot harder to temper your emotion with common sense and good judgement. Not to mention most people would be afraid of the other person unleashing right back at them. Here is an exercise to consider. Try writing your comments down, leave them for a period of twelve hours, reread them in the context of what spawned them, temper the emotion and then edit (BTW . . . this post looked a whole lot different 12 hours ago). I think you will find good judgment and common sense will prevail. Then and only then, press send.
Folks, when it comes to telling our SOs, that is a personal choice and each person's circumstances are different depending on when they found out themselves, how strong the relationship is, where they are emotionally and whole host of differences. CDing is not a shower cap "one size fits all" and what works for some may not work for others. So you came out to your SO on your first date . . . good for you and I applaud your strength of conviction. But that does not give you the right to call someone who has been in a committed relationship for 20 plus years, someone who is a good person, a loving and caring partner, a liar and coward. You know everything about your own life but you know nothing about that person and it is arrogant to assume you do. You are not the poster child for all things TG or a perfect example to hold up and say . . . "Hey this is the way it needs to be done because I am perfect".
Dispense advice by all means. But advice needs to be tempered with good judgment, understanding and politeness, not rude smarmy one liners. Some will say sometimes people need tough love to understand and I agree but tough love means understanding, caring, support with an underlying message of what you should do. Tough love is not rude, condescending comments. You can make your point by simply letting the person know from your own experience how you went about it, how it helped you and so on, that is tough love and good advice and for the most part that is what is found here and that is what makes this such a great place and beacon in all this chaos.
If you think others see you as a "hard nosed gal telling it like it is" . . . well perhaps others like yourself do but I dare say most don't. So next time before you let loose with rude comments, try turning that introspective lens inward and examining your own concept of perfection.
Hugs
Isha
I agree on all points 150%. 
well said Isha. How can someone make such commons without walking a mile in that person's heels?? The only information you have is what is in the post. That is extremely limited. We don't have the entire picture and even if we did, how are such comments helpful? People come here and post here because they find it helpful, to express their thoughts and feelings in what is typically a supportive environment. If someone asks for honest opinions, should that be what they receive? Sure, but there are ways to do this. Tact and diplomacy. The old saying "if you can't say something nice, then shut up" (okay, so I modified it a bit...). I do a lot of counselling in my job. Laura's comment on directive versus non directive is spot on. And, when you want to tell someone something, before you do, ask yourself this question: "Are my comments going to make me feel better, or make the other person feel better". The choice should be obvious. If not, delete, delete, delete....
No... Omnipotent retrospectively, yes - omniscient and prescient ["look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls.."] sadly, no...)
