when is a good time?

[nacracat]

Pretty sure this has been covered many many times before but......

I'm in a relationship and I would love to come out but she knows all my family etc etc and I have nobody (apart from you lot) that knows what/who I really am.

I see posts and am quite envious about CD's that have an accepting SO.

Question is, how do I do this this or do I live my secret life by myself? I really want to share this secret with somebody else, it may help.

Maybe someone knows of a CD club in Kent, UK that I could try and meet some people that understand as I need to get this in the open, going crazy....... help

[Teresa]

I can't help you in the Kent area because I'm a hundred miles further north but I'm sure you'll find support groups on the net for your area .

Do you have any idea what your partner thinks about CDing and other associated issues ? Have you had any conversations that touch on these issues to get an idea of her thoughts and acceptance level ?
My CDing is sexual, so I wanted to share with my wife, she wasn't interested but being in the closet for me was like being in solitary confinement ! For CDers that do enjoy it more as a hobby ( I can't personally accept it as such because of what I've suffered with it ! ) being in the closet is not ideal but acceptable !
Don't forget GGs will only have a base line between tolerance and acceptance but will never fully understand it, it's not part of their makeup !

Good luck with your relationship I hope it goes well for you !

[nacracat]

thanks for that, it is like being in solitary confinement

[JayeLefaye]

Oh Nacracat, I'm rooting for ya!!

As to when is a "good" time, I can't answer that for you at this point. I can only speak for myself though, when I say that, when it comes to a relationship, the "best" time is before you ever have sex, at least if it's a serious relationship and not a one night stand. GG's have told me(not all of them, but enough to get the general idea), that there's an emotional commitment level, some have even claimed that it's biological, that they reach before making love for the first time with a partner...So, not knowing the stage of your relationship, I don't know if that boat has sailed or not.

How she accepts your coming out is anybody's guess, but if this is long-term, then she deserves to know...And you deserve to have her know, you really do, and THEN you can both deal with whatever the consequences are and work out whether you need to work on boundaries, or on breaking up. But solitary confinement isn't fair when you've done nothing wrong to deserve the punishment.

A couple of questions, if I may?

Did she know your family before you got together, or have you introduced her since?

In other words, how close of a relationship does she have with them?

If you tell her, and she freaks out, do you have a fear that she'll "out" you to everyone?

Closets are very survivable. I once had an 18 year marriage to a woman who my brother described as "pure evil". I sincerely believe that if I'd opened up to her, she would have handled it very well, and it wouldn't have been much of a problem...But I also believe, that once I ran screaming into the night because I couldn't handle the "pure evil" anymore, that she WOULD have outed me to each and every person I knew just for the revenge factor....Shivers....:-)

In the seven years or so that followed my marriage break-up, had relationships with 4 women, and I told each and every one, and my CDing was never an issue...My choice of women had obviously gotten better, because their hearts and basic kindness overrode everything else...I married the 4th woman, and it took four years of finding our true comfort zone, but I've already written about that elsewhere.

So let me just restate: I'm pulling for you....Both of you!!!

Oh, and go to the "Loved Ones" Forum and read the thread titled "The price of not telling your wife", and you'll get a wealth of excellent perspectives. I think this is the link: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ling-your-wife

Jaye

[nacracat]

thanks you again

[JayeLefaye]

Hi again Nacracat...I just edited my first response to add a link to a Loved Ones" thread....I don't know if you noticed it yet, but trust me, check out that thread.

Best

Jaye

[kimdl93]

If there is anyone you should consider coming out to, it would be the person your in a relationship with. If so, then, she obviously needs to know and better you confide in her than have her discover for herself so time down the road. It's a matter of trust at this point. I'm presuming you want this to be a long term relationship. Such relationships are built on trust. Your revelation means you've decided to trust her with this knowledge and by the same gesture shown her that she can trust you to be honest with her, even when it's risky or embarrassing.

[im-sparkles]

I found that dropping small hints of a possible interest worked for me in both my bi-sexuality and crossdressing. It up to you to figure out the correct hints because you know her. However even a facial gesture reaction can give you some clues as to where to go from here.Anyway it helped me. Best of luck to ya!

[Shelly Preston]

Read the link in my signature

It has a lot of great advice and it was written by a GG member.

[Badwolf]

When? Never? That's the only safe answer. Safe doesn't mean the right way though, and earlier is better since it means there's less emotions involved (for both). Normally there's less connections to other people you know as well, which makes it easier to not see it get out of control.

Either way doing this at all, you risk getting outted at anytime. Be ready for it as much as possible.

In that light whether or not you should, or how is entirely personal. There are situations where it really would hinder people's lives, and while I keep my advice relatively consistent, I don't see anyone who can't do it as any less of a person.

[Kris Avery]

I sincerely think there are reasons ex-wives are 'ex'es

I would tell the truth over a few drinks. Just a discussion.
If there is a bad reaction, you have your answer.

I think Sparkle and Shelly both have good ideas.
You can read a lot more from a woman's eyes than they would like.

[BLUE ORCHID]

I would say the sooner the better but that's easier said than done.

[Jenniferathome]

In my signature is how I did it. The hardest speech you will ever memorize. Keep it short and let the questions come. The 16 ton wight that falls off your shoulders is a remarkable feeling.

[sometimes_miss]

I really want to share this secret with somebody else, it may help.

This is a universal feeling; for, we all want to be loved, and accepted, for who we REALLY are. However, we have to face the reality of what coming out to someone can do to our lives. So before you make what amounts to a final step, think it through and consider what is the worst possible outcome that can result from telling someone else that you are a crossdresser; you know, such as them telling your friends, family and coworkers that they think you're a crossdresser, gay, or even TS. It can potentially cost you your job, your friends, your marriage, if you live somewhere that is not 100% accepting of alternative lifestyles, it can even get you killed. And if you can accept the results of that worst case scenario, then you're good to go, and tell your secret to someone else. Because remember the number of people it takes to keep a secret. and that number, is ONE.

[Krisi]

There's never a good time, but that said, the sooner the better in a relationship. When you finally tell her or she finds out, it's like you've been hiding this from her all this time.

[Tanya+]

i fessed up as soon as it felt like it was getting very serious. I trusted her. That trust also made me vulnerable which she understood and honoured. I was determined to be upfront because i wanted the rest of our lives to be based on reality, not forever wondering and concealing and deceiving. If it was going to fail, i wanted it to fail upfront. What i didn't expect is how much her acceptance made me cry. i think i never truly accepted myself until she did. Opening up is an risk and opportunity. But it all comes down to trust.