Just another rant....

[Teresa]

Danielle,
You should post more often if you can come with threads liks this !
Yes we are all imperfect human beings male or female, most women would hate to be stuck on a pedestal, very few think they're perfect ! Something is either too big or too small ! Guy mode for us is far easier, sometimes I do feel I was only put here for target practice but usually it's my own fault !
It does take some of us a while to get over Cding as an affliction, hiding in the closet because men aren't suppose to wear dresses and being totally screwed up by the guilt and shame of it ! Then someone comes along and tells you to man up and tell the world and to hell with the consequences ! Then they wonder why your facing a divorce but your partner flipped their lid and ended up in therapy !

[DanielleLee]

Oh gawd, if anyone here thinks most GGs like being on a pedestal, they're WRONG! In a hundred thousand ways, it just accentuates this whole thing. It's unsettling to feel men are watching, studying, learning and worshiping you. Yes, it can also be flattering on some carnal level, but disturbing on so many others. Not to mention, we have the same thoughts y'all do so we're on any given day angry, relaxed, annoyed or content the same as anyone here. We're HUMAN. Nothing more. No pedestals in sight!

But then, this is a MTF crossdressing forum and the general idea is men emulating women, so surely the 'pedestal' is to be expected? It would be even weirder to have a man put hours of effort into looking like a GG, only to tell everyone that he doesn't really like women very much. I suspect part of the allure is that they like women VERY MUCH. So I take this 'pedestal' part as just another cog in the crossdressing wheel. It makes sense in context. ( <<<< Interesting)

Otherwise, I agree with Danielle that everyone should decide their own path when it comes to telling/not telling/becoming bestie shopping buddies etc. I personally have come from being general accepting of what I was told was a small fetish (always how it starts) to disgust when the full truth is revealed, to denial and divorce talk and now slow acceptance after joining here. I'll never love it so my honest and slightly negative perspective will always show in my posts, but I'm learning and growing and my marriage is better for it. I also respect the need for venting and ranting here, and I understand those who are hurt needing to share with those who might understand. It can take a lifetime and beyond to have the clarity to say your opinion without hurting others, and it's not always possible to write as well as we think. But we should all try a little harder, myself included. x

Wow.... coming from Tinkerbell, who I know has been to hell and back with this... she gets it.

Two clarifications...

I did not say that GGs should not be valued or that they were undeserving of sympathy. My God... I'm not a fool and I'm not going to even attempt to understand what goes on inside a female's brain... let alone a female's brain that just was just shocked to discover her husband is a cross dresser. Shock, Anger, Disbelief, maybe even guilt... am I getting close? A wife/SO is entitled to feel all that she does and more.

I did not say or insinuate that I was trying to justify myself keeping it a secret. In fact... my disclaimer clearly had my background. My wife knows. End of story. It's nobody else's business unless I decide to share with friends and family. (which yes, there are) I also stated that we should be honest and disclose in new relationships. We (as a CD collective) know so much more than we ever have in the past. We know it's the right thing to tell a prospective SO and that its not going to go away. WE may be able to suppress, but at our core beings.... we will always be cross dressers.

Now... did I try to justify keeping it a secret for those who may be closeted... yes I did, because that's my opinion. There is risk of course, but at the end of the day... only each one of us knows our situation, when to tell or what path to take. There may be consequences for this to be sure, but that's on the individual.

And again... thank you for taking the time to reply.

[natcrys]

I dont even know what to say. Kind of scared to voice a difference of opinion now, or any opinion in case someone will get upset.

Oh come on.. there is a huge difference between

1) a person saying someone's is a coward for not telling their SO...

and

2) a person stating his/her belief that telling a SO is always the preferable option and that keeping it from the SO is not a good idea.

Words do matter.. especially on the Internet where there is no way of giving proper nuance to the written text with tone of voice, inflexion, gestures and facial expressions.

I think that 1) is uncalled for .. and 2) is a better way of conveying the same idea without name-calling. Especially in a place which is also considered a sort of safe-haven.

[Stephanie47]

Danielle, I am in total agreement with your post. I have stated my opinion concerning their nastiness on the particular threads. There is absolutely no reason for someone to call another a liar and espouse vile words because of a posters beliefs. One may take exception to another person's opinion, but, there is no reason to be vile. I've noticed over the past year an absence of some participants, whose comments I enjoyed. When I see the vile language on this forum, it is no wonder those person's have moved on.

One of the things I do before I post a response is to go back and read some of the poster's comments. It gives me some idea where the person is coming from and his or her mindset. Sometimes going back gives me some insight of why the person espouses vile words.

[Donna June]

Being single I can't address the marriage part, Danielle, but I agree with you so much on the nastiness to those closeted comment you made. I can't say anyone has been really nasty to me, but many who have seen my photos get so annoyed at me when they find out I don't go out as Donna. Maybe I will soon, but until then I have my reasons and it's my business.

[Michelle789]

Danielle, thank you for your post. This is a well thought out, well-written post.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Just remember there are two sides to every story. No judgment here...I lied for 20 + years...I ended up transitioning...I caused a lot of grief.

In relationships, telling lies and keeping secrets causes damage. Withholding information is control...

All the points in the OP are well taken and valid... But there is a big element of self justification ..I get that there are jerky judgmental people that make it out to be a horrible crime when its a basic relationship issue...
and I know the outcome of telling the truth is most often, lets just say, not good.

Unfortunately gender variance is not acceptable to many, and if it does come to light who can say what's right or wrong about telling your wife..

however, you can't just ignore the other side of it, which is non controversial...keeping secrets is not good for relationships...and the person keeping the secret has power over the other person..

often times the cost of the secret is at least one blast of anger or frustration from the person that realizes something has been kept from them
...its human nature to feel anger when you have no control over something you don't like

[JulieMcKie]

I agree 100% with Danielle on this. I too am a seldom poster and this thread really struck a nerve in me. I came out to my wife before marriage and was met with a very firm DADT. That was over 10 years ago and we haven't discussed it since. In that time my dysphoria has grown to the point where I want to dress daily and am planning to start seeing a therapist. I know my wife well enough to know that bringing Julie into day to day life will end in divorce.

So there in lies the battle I and most of us face. We all have to decide which is worse, staying and hiding, or coming out and losing everything. This is just a reality for some of us.

Should you tell you SO about your other side - it depends on you and your situation. Those here that shout for full disclosure from the mountain tops seem to, for the most part, have a fully supportive spouse. To me, thats like a millionaire telling a homeless person that money doesn't buy happiness.