Thursday (18th September 2014) I had a thought about dressing which I would like to share with everyone. Before I do it is important for you to understand my position. Some of you may already know this but it is important to understand where I am going with this.
• I have been dressing since I was 16 (a total of 25 years).
• I have no desires to transition or change my sex, I am happy being male it feels right and correct. I am 100% male at heart and body. I do NOT under any circumstances ever dress to or because I want to pass as female. I do not understand this “en femme” or letting “xxx” out thing at all.
• I DO wear female clothes in public and I do so every day, without exception. Whether I wear casual clothes at home, out and about or smart clothes to work – they are 99% of the time female. About 95% of my wardrobe is female clothes. I own absolutely no male underwear, jeans/trousers, jumpers, nightclothes, shoes or socks.
• My aim/goal is to be able to wear what I want, where I want, when I want. But again I know there are things I cannot wear because they either look wrong on me, or socially it would be going too far at present.
• I try to wear women’s /female versions of the male clothes I would normally be expected to wear, sometimes I push this a little further but the essence is there.
• I am married, I have a teenage daughter – both my wife and daughter obviously know how I dress and I am always mind full of them and how they be treated because of how I dress which helps reign it in at times.
Okay, I wear female clothes on a daily basis which is a conscious decision and as such I have to be aware of a couple of things when choosing items: 1) Does the item appeal to me in terms of design, colour, style etc – same as you would normally. 2) Can I WEAR the item? It is a practical choice, and does it need something “extra” to make it work – or just courage? If I think I can make an item work, then I will consider buying it. Sometimes I change my mind when I try it on and on those cases I return the items accordingly.
At work I wear a lot of satin blouses/shirts (all with collars). These are obviously female in their design and looks but I wear them as I would any other shirt. My trousers are women’s and don’t always have pockets and most have slightly flared trouser legs. I carry a handbag every day due to my lack of pockets and having a large purse on me at all times. If it is cold I wear women’s jumpers (mostly black or single colour). I wear bras most days, often with silicone breast enhancers in them to define the upper shape of my chest (but depending on what I am wearing will dictate if I leave them in at work). I do not hide the femininity of what I wear is the nutshell and I have never been asked to change or not wear something nor have I been told an item is not suitable/appropriate/acceptable.
Recently I bought a sheer shirt recently (you can see an image attached at the end) but realised that I needed an undershirt or vest to wear it successfully – the same a woman would have to – but I could not wear a strappy vest but could wear a more standard one. So I bought a satin sleeveless blouse which matched this requirement. The neckline is not too low; the design is simple and should work well under the shirt. There is also a practical use in the top as well as a separate item.
Now fast forward to the 18th... I had the items, I was happy with the look I was happy and ready to wear them but something niggled me. Because it was something I had not worn before in terms of style and design – the only sheer items I have worn where panel blouses where the arms/shoulders where made of a sheer material but the main blouse/shirt body was solid – I felt nervous. This is crazy given what I do and wear. So I ended up putting a black jumper to cover most of the shirt and vest top. All that remained on show was the collar, part of the upper shirt that was visible through the jumper’s v-neck and the cuffs.
When I look back I understand why I would not wear the satin vest top on its own, it is not something I could presently wear separately maybe one day, but not yet., . But the shirt/satin vest combination annoyed me yesterday because I know I could wear it, I know I have the confidence to wear it, I know it looked fine – so why did I bottle out at the last moment? I get the jumper initially, I had to drop my daughter to school and there a jumper covers me and massively lowers the risk of other kids seeing something they should not and my daughter being teased or picked on for it. That’s fine, that is what I should always do and I have no issue there.
But in just 2 years at this job, my firm know what I am like and what I wear. I am not treated badly or anything; people just deal with me as they need too. Some are better than others and I understand that. So where my actions, initially guided to protect my daughter also used to protect me or my work colleagues? How do I move forward from there and do I need to move forward, or just pull back and wait?
The hardest part of my dressing is just that. Where is the line drawn? Where do push and move a barrier and where do I stop and not try and move that barrier? If I overstep a mark; I risk looking stupid because I could look a mess and not someone who is happy, comfortable, and doing something natural. Going “En Femme” maybe an easier answer at this point because it allows that step into the female, but I cannot take that step because for me, it would be wrong and incorrect. I cannot be something or someone I am not, so that balance is sought between Femininity and masculinity.
I am considering trying again Monday but taking a second blouse with me which I have worn before – this way if I feel uncomfortable I can change, like having a safety net to catch me if I feel unstable about what I am wearing. So I ask myself how can someone roar like a lion and then when it comes to something small and simple, go and hide like a timid mouse - and how do I stand like the lion again?
but I am still curious.. 
