First therapy session to discover who I am

[KaraK]

My first therapy session is in two weeks and I'm scared to death with the idea of beginning this new part of my life and what would come out of it.

I still don't know what to do and who I really am. I mean, I love my family, my friends, my job, never wanted for nothing, but in my deepest self I never was happy as a boy.

It took me 24 years to talk about it with my parents, who are supportive in my search of ‘myself’, and I’m feeling like I wasted my young years in hiding, rejecting it, not enjoying this beautiful life as much as it could have been if I talk to them earlier.

Anyway, two weeks left before my first session. I hope it will help me find it out. I'm sure I'll be stronger than before and proud of myself, but just living between both gender or transitioning it's blowing my head constantly…

[MonicaJean]

Welcome to the 'scared to death' club! I had my first therapy session this past week, been living on adrenaline ever since as the constant tug of war between the want to move forward and the fear of losing so much battle against each other.

I'm VERY happy for you that your parents are supportive! That is fantastic!! Having them on board makes the entire process MUCH easier!!

And wow, I was thinking just before I read your thread a few minutes ago to myself: "For the first time I'm really letting go of any control of my future in my life and stopping fear from ruling that unknown future as a female. I won't know what's next, but that will surely be OK if God opens the door for me. I won't even know who I really am, but that's OK!"

As for knowing what to do, keep reading all the articles here on the Trans forums. They care chock-full of mature, real-life advice to help you prepare for the best possible outcomes. The women here are simply the best!

Are you able to sleep at night with all the thoughts and emotions running around in your heart & mind?

[Jorja]

Take a deep breath, exhale slowly. Calm yourself. There is nothing to be scared about. Spend some quality time and learn about yourself. You will discover new and wonderful things about you. Be open and honest with everything and you will be fine.

[KellyJameson]

I can deeply relate to that feeling of being scared to death but it does get better in time.

Admitting or even exploring the possibility that you are or may be transsexual is a huge step that I fought through my teens and early twenties and I would have panic attacks everytime I felt I was losing control over my "pretend gender presentation". I was incapacitated by anxiety because of my false gender presentation.

Therapy threatens to take away any control you may feel plus exposes you to feeling judged. In a way it feels like if the therapist concludes that yes you are a transsexual you lose and if they don't you lose.

I had to become comfortable with the idea that transitioning is an insane act done for sane reasons.

This was an acceptance of all my fears many of which were very rational such as death from using hormones or during surgery and God knows what could happen from all those that you know or don't know who don't approve or outright hate and dispise you and your very existence.

I lived in-between genders partly from being cursed by circumstances that made me not look like one or the other and partly by intention but living in a world where you are always making people uncomfortable or unsure exactly what you are is stressful all by itself.

Clarity really becomes valuable when you are always living ambiguously.

Loving your family, friends and job and other life satisfactions will not replace that big hole in the center of your life that gender fills.

It is extremely important that others see us as we know ourselves to be.

Follow your heart and look inward and you will find the answers.

[KaraK]

Thank you for your messages and advices!

Michelle: It was hard to sleep before telling to my family but now I'm less stressed and can focus on myself.

Jorja: I'll try my best

Kelly: It's a good resume of my life, in between genders or transsexual I got to fill this hole in my life. But the hardest is to accept that all I built during 24 years could be blown away by this new life

[MonicaJean]

Good to hear you can sleep better. There’s so many stresses with this stage that a lack of sleep could only make the stress load worse.

I’m in the same stage as you but about 2 decades older. More friends, more connections, kids, wife (read: divorce when I come out)… do it while you’re young, it’s vastly more difficult to transition when older. And when you’re older, you’ll look back and say “why did I waste 40+ years of worrying, I should have come out and transitioned in my 20s!” I thought I knew everything in my 20’s and 30’s (don’t we all! lol) but the thing I buried was transitioning out of immense fear.

You’re now there in your 20’s. The one thing not fear is not having any answers, it’s part of the process. It’s the letting-go of control in therapy that stokes the fear in us. Once we let go of that control, we are able to see and feel the new horizons that the future holds. Hard to see right now for you I’m sure. Live your life going forward and don’t look back. Enjoy being the woman you are and that science has caught up to make it happen.

[KaraK]

Well don't tell my mom I said that but 40 is quite young nowadays… I can understand this feeling because I'm telling myself why didn't I tell them when I was 14??
I think I wasn't enough strong to jump in this process, even today I still looking for the answer of why cding to feel good when I was younger changed in a struggle between letting go and begin a whole new woman life or deal with it.
Coming out to my parents was like an early present for my 25, like "ok I won't keep the secret for myself any longer". And God knowing that your parents,sister and best friends are beside you is the best thing I needed to start the therapy.

i'm way too far from each of you but if I could I would have hugged you all for your kindness and help.

[Brianna_H]

Hi! If you've never done therapy before, it is exciting and interesting, but also much more banal than everyone makes it out to be. Expect to spend a few sessions just getting to know your therapist and letting her know about you.

I just started therapy myself, at 44, to get this all sorted. There's a huge variety of gender expressions. The important thing is figuring out where you feel comfortable.

Not wanting to blow up your life is totally understandable. It's certainly possible to do ok for yourself without therapy/transition/etc. but you will be much more confident and happy if you figure out who you really are first. Sounds like you are on the right track.

Keep us posted.

Hugs,

Brianna

[KaraK]

Well I've done a therapy when I was younger but she made me draw pigs and forests… don't know what she found in these

For sure I'll give you an update after my session

[KaraK]

The first appointment was more like a "knowing each other" appointment but the therapist was sweet and friendly with me. I hope the next one in december would be a good start in my search of myself.

[Aubrey Skye]

Hey Kara, awesome that you got to start therapy! Hopefully you get a lot out of your next session! Honestly jealous you have got to start therapy. I desperately need it right now and am looking for one as we speak. Awesome you have your parents on your side. I'm a little confused as to if I do or not. They didn't disown me or kick me out, so that was a good sign, and they said they'd always love me. But it seems that all I am getting is ways to find to heal me of it with God. So I sort of have support but its the support of finding a way to "cure me" and not to help me find myself. I hope your transition goes well, we are about the same age, so looking forward to seeing how you progress as well

[Annaliese]

Do not be afraid to find your self, if you don't find your self now, when you are in your 60 and look back you will have wasted a live time not just a few years.

[KaraK]

Annaliese: That what my therapist told me. Even if I don't go on transition, looking for myself now is better than later.

Aubrey: It's a good start if they said that. Maybe they have questions and don't really understand what that means. Let's keep in touch to see how it goes for each of us.

[MarieTS]

Kara, remember you, like her, must listen. Keep an open mind and process everything. There is nothing wrong with asking for time to process and revisiting a topic at the next session. Lastly, honesty is everything. You are paying for this so get your full value by being truthful.
Congratulations for taking this first very big step. That took trust and courage. We are all proud of you.
Hugs!

[Aubrey lee]

Hey Kara,

I hope all went well with your first appointment. I am currently in therapy and have a appointment with a local dr to discuss hrt. I felt so trapped before I made these steps forward and every day is getting better. I was not out to my gf about being trans, she knew I dressed but didn't think anything more of it. I opened up to her and after much discussion we are working through things together. A HUGE weight off my shoulders knowing she supports and loves me for who I am and not how I present. I also work in a very public setting and plan to take steps forward at my own pace. It is no ones business what's under my uniform except my own. Take things slow, take the necessary steps to feel better and more comfortable about yourself as a person, and don't have regrets. I'm now 28 and wish I had the confidence and knowledge to start this process when I was 18. We should skype!! Message me if you need anything.

[DebbieL]

Your next appointment is in December? 2-3 months seems like an awfully long time between sessions?

Was there a reason for such a long wait? Are you looking at alternatives?

[Leah Lynn]

Hopefully you'll have a good therapist; it took me three tries to find the right one.

Good luck,

Leah

[KaraK]

Marie: Thanks!!!

Aubrey: Same here, but when I was 18, things were different and I guess we weren't strong enough to take this step. We're not really in the same time zone but it might be helpful to talk about it with someone walking on the same path.

Debbie: Well I could have done this with a different therapist, have one or two appointments a month… But it's a particular "program" in France for transgender people. They are therapists, surgeons, endocrinologists who work together on it for years. It's 1 appointment every 3 month, and I'm free to see a psychologist between each appointment if I need to. There are advantages and disavtanges in this process but I can work on myself and take my time.

Leah Lynn: Thanks! Good luck to you.

[DebbieL]

That makes more sense. The 3 months is a minimum, but if you want more coaching and support during RLE, you can get it. Good approach.

Have you been doing Real Life Experience yet? How often?
That's what really separates the boys from the girls :-D

[KaraK]

Sadly, it took me lot of strength to begin this therapy but didn't really find enough to try a RLE. Only lived as myself in my home and began to progressively adopt an androgynous style in order to help the transition.

Yes I think this is a good approach even if I'm a bit lost until december. But I can talk to my parents, sister and two friends now when some bad feelings show up.