If as a CD, you could take one pill and wake up the next morning and all traces of your "other" self, your clothing, others knowing about your "hobby" (if they do) and your urge and desire and any memory of ever experimenting with the CD issue had vanished from your mind (and from your closets), and every problem or predicament had suddenly vanished, would you take that pill? In chatting with others about this I always get a vast majority of "yes" answers!
The reality of it is personally, after 40+ years in the game that started with one pair of nylons and has progressed to the "total look," it's pretty much over for me now, I'm set in my ways. I live with it because that's just the way it is, the way "I" am and for the most part the way it has always been. There isn't time anymore to start fresh if I could and get married and start a family, not really.
It is sad to hear from other CD's about their problems because I understand. Transgenderists have their own problems to an even greater degree but the CD aspect ruins so many marriages and lives because 90% of GG women don't want a feminine SO for the most part and then adding kids to the mix makes it worse for all involved and I am not even delving into close friends or family matters either!. The "I can quit once I get married" idea is a nice try but a total fantasy and even if a CD puts the idea into practice, like a cocaine, heroin or nicotine addiction, the urge always returns with a vengeance! You can no more change who you are than you can change your blood type!
And getting shunned by girlfriends, loosing friends, being shunned by family, being under the constant threat of losing a job or taking a physical beating because "regular" guys fear what they don't "understand" all adds to the stress of a dual lifestyle. And that stress is always, always there in the back of your mind pulling at you like an anchor on a chain! "Hey Bob!? Let's go hunting or fishing or check out some of those new hot-rod motorcycles down at the shop!" Then it's "naw, can't make it this weekend pal, sorry." Then you walk away. You'd love to go have some fun but you just got that new black satin corset and those glassy, seamed nylons you've been waiting for,forever and can't wait to "hit the silk!" You know?? I can get my waist small enough to get into this dress or that skirt now, and those 6 inch heels will look great with those shiny seams, and on and on and on it goes.
Then there's buying that additional wardrobe, purging, rebuying and adding still more to that wardrobe gaining back weight like a lifelong dieter and getting heavier still and then squirrling it all away convincing yourself "that's just mom's old stuff or the stuff the ex left behind." That's it, nothing wrong with me! That stuff in the attic, or the basement, or under the bed or in the tree house or at the bus station or in the crawl space or buried in the back yard isn't really mine, no, it's out of sight, out of mind baby! Yeah! Because I'm a macho man! Yeah, that is, until you dig everything else out to "play" once again.
It's a self consuming life style that fosters a near total lonliness and isolation because no matter how far society goes, we will never be accepted because we are seen as weak, gay or just plain weird! That "3rd" sex that there just isn't room for in the "real" world where bar and restaurant owners just won't build that 3rd restroom.
And let's face it 99% of us get read if we go out anyway! That's the culmination of the CD experience, the real fantasy, going out and passing, but we never will and we know it, not really unless we can blend in with a woman's basketball team that comes to town or it's just dark and foggy and crowded enough to not attract attention. You get the point.
It started with experimentation but I knew it was far more than that, and that there would be no satiating this new hobby. It's what you all know and realize as well if you give it some reflection! I know that I could have had a better life without all the deception and the sneaking around and could have devoted all the time and energy and money I wasted on my hobby and done something far more constructive. $20 bucks for one pair of nylons from Secrets in Lace? You kidding!?!?!? Nope!
But, I'm hooked on what I do, it's a part of me I don't like and don't understand because nobody really does. There's nothing like it, there's no "higher" high when you release your alter-ego, not really, unless it's true love. And I watched that walk out the door more than once and that's a real shame! It's nice to read all your comments and issues and I realize I'm one of you and I understand. And It's nice to know I am not alone.
But in retrospect, if I could have taken that pill in my early teenaged years when I saw that first pair of nylons hanging over the shower rod and before I put them on for the first time? Yeah, Yeah I think I would have! Just a thought!
Originally Posted by GypsyKaren
